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impatient1
I just have this undeniable urge to type - Subscribe
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I feel like a burden. This last weekend on Saturday was my girlfriend's prom. I worked the two weekends before so I could go. I ended up getting one check so I only had half the money, I asked my dad if I could do something for him to earn the rest and he gave me something to do. I didn't get my check cashed because we were busy moving all day. So my dad's partner while taking in me to go get the corsage for my girlfriend stopped at the bank and got out $60 and gave it to me. I have to go in to his work and fold napkins and then give him my check when I get it. I have no problem doing that, I feel it's exactly what I should do. It's the rest of the lecture that I got on the way home that makes me feel like shit. I was told that I absolutly have to go get a 'real' job, which I've been trying to do, because they can't keep paying for things for me. That I shouldn't be their responsibility. The arugements about how I don't do anything and I sit and am lazy happen a lot. I've even had my dad's partner tell that I'd have probably been better off staying in Idaho. I moved up here almost two years ago, and the last thing I wanted was to be a burden. I almost didn't come because I didn't want my dad to feel like he HAD to do anything for me. I hate that they spend money on me. I feel guilty every time we go out to dinner or when I need new clothes for school. My dad's partner doesn't have to do anything for me, he's not my parent (I don't feel like my dad has to do anything for me either) but he does and then he tells me that they can't keep doing it. I know they don't do it on purpose but, sometime I feel like such a big hasstle, like I put them out, and that they'd have it a lot easier if I hadn't wanted to come here. I'm just whining I guess, no real point. I know I need to get a job, before school starts again next year. I want to have money for my class ring. This was pointless; I apologize. |
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impatient1
It's about time May 22nd, 2006 2:12:17 pm - Subscribe
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| I think I need to let myself fall apart or blow up, just something. Every little thing is starting to get to me again. I am one of those people that doesn't really like to talk about the things that are bothering or upsetting them. I also hate to ask for help and often refuse to do so even when I need to. I'm just so tired of expectations and problems that I've cause and issues that I'm probably just imagining are there, and stupid little things that make me uncomfortable. My self rezentment. I can't wait for the summer and the 10 dollar an hour job I've got lined up. I can't wait for next year, to be out, to be me fully and completly and not have to pretend. Then there's the other part of me that knows I'm all talk and that I'll do what's easier and what scared me less. I'm afraid of change, yet sometimes I crave it (at least for the past two years). I just need to explode or fall apart and then I'll be just fine again, but I feel like I don't have a a good enough reason anymore, and therefore a right to. |
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Impatient1
Sometimes I hate indecisive women May 26th, 2006 8:56:23 pm - Subscribe
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GRRRRR! GROWL! ROAR! FUCK!! Fuck it!! |