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impatient1
Birhtdays are supposed to be happy right? - Subscribe
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So generally people are happy when their birthdays come around, I mean with all the gifts and the focus being on you and whatnot. I just can't seem to be happy though. I've been really depressed the past few days, like I haven't been in a long time. I can't think of anything else that could be making me feel like this except my birhtday, because of the fact that it's such a big deal this year and the two people who are responsible for me being the man I am today aren't going to be here for it. I know that sounds rather selfish, and I know they are probably much better off, but I still wish they could be here. Maybe it's just a combination of all of it, it being my senior year and taking three more classes outside a full school day, being on the speech team and having to write several speeches, working, and my birthday coming up. I figure graduation's going to be even worse for depression. I guess what bothers me is that I've done so well in dealing with it. Ignoring it, and going and doing something when I feel it start, but it's back to being a constant thing again. Like it was in Idaho, it's no where near as serious as it was, but it's still constant. I hope it will pass, after my birthday has come and gone. Sometimes I don't think I'd know who I was if I didn't have that depression deep down and all my anger. I like that my friends call me asshole 7 times a day minimum. I know I'll be okay and I just need to keep busy for awhile, but sometimes I want to slip a little, and then I make myself think about what life used to be like and I wake myself the fuck up. What do I have to be upset about anymore I got myself the hell out of there, I don't have to take care of everyone anymore, I don't have to worry, I don't have to be scared and hide that I'm scared, I don't have to be the man of the house, I don't have to take the abuse, I got my little brother out of there finally, and she's in jail where she fucking belongs. You're not getting stoned everyday anymore, you're not drinking every other night, you're not making frequent trips to principals offices, and no one's trying to put you in anger management classes anymore. What the hell do you have to be depressed about, you have a stable life finally. That usually helps, but the only thing that I can't seem to get rid of is, what if you had stayed? Would they still be alive? Is it your fault? I try to ignore that. I'll just continue to rant and get things off my chest to people I don't really know in person, and I'll work it out. Thank you. -bows- |