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tron another day another million - Subscribe
And the jury has returned with their verdict: yesterday sucked.

I'm so disappointed with myself. Its because there's a deep dark cruel part of me which has been unwillingly dredged up lately and I hate seeing it get used.

I'm tired of trying to bury hatchets in other people's heads so I'm going to put them deep deep deep in the ground for now.

There are people that I know that bring out the worst in me. These people know who they are and they know that I'm angry with them.

Anger is such a frustrating emotion for me. I've never been able to veil contempt. Perhaps I've enjoyed letting it out too much. I've become a poisonous viper, and now I'm threatening to bite my own tail.

My head is a mess, and words have been exchanged that can't be taken back. They ring in my ears and bring tears to the back of my eyes, but I refuse to believe that I'm what you, what you both insist I am...

There's a deep discontent in me. A deep irreconcilable void between the people that I love dearly and those that I can't love, who stand with those I'm ambivalent to. I'm so full of rage. I'm so full of rage.

I'm not making sense.





Medowie is the same as it was before, but the talk we had about not being so aggressive when talking to me seems to have stuck and despite yesterday's isolation, things have been resolved.

How can one person make me feel like I'm even getting better when the other one makes me feel like a monster? Maybe I am a monster, and if I am what does it matter?

Slowly the blocks fall into place
then spin away again
because you're re writing history
and I'm not allowed to take
my red pen to your sanctimonious new tale.

Slowly the blocks are whizzing closer
and closer to my face
as you redefine the chase
and tell me how I felt and made you feel
and how your version is the real deal,
but mine, mine is a forgery.

Slowly the blocks are making contact
and they sting
and they burn with cold fire
and they hurt deep inside where only memories should live.

Slowly the information falls into place
that you and I have been hurling the blocks...
1 Comments
Mood: grouchy

tron I need to breathe. Oct 9th, 2007 1:39:15 am - Subscribe
Been back one day and the negative spiral starts again. At the smallest and slightest chance, he's into me. I feel like he's putting me down, waiting for me to fuck up. I hate living here. I hate this house, I hate the way it makes me feel. And I hate the way he can't see his own selfishness.

Been back one day and i'm crying my eyes out again feeling like noone on the fucking face of the planet gives a shit or can understand.

When we were away, everything was all smiley and rosey. But now we're back and straight away all he's doing is focusing on the things I'm getting wrong. Its like he can't wait for me to fail. He pushes and pushes me. He doesn't attempt to understand what it must be like for me to face yet another mental health team in a different fucking city based on my post code. Based on the post code that he chose and I have to assimilate with. I don't like medowie.

I don't like being dictated to either. Just do this, just do that. Don't do this! You're not allowed to do that.

I can be humble. I can eat all the fucking humble pie you want, but not unless your voice is soft and your looks are kind. I'm just too tired of that hard look in your eyes and if you don't get rid of it, we've got big fucking problems. I want the us that we had when we were away back. I want the couple that went for walks together. Not the arsehole that yells at me for checking emails.

I can't live with someone who's always looking for me to fail. Who takes that negative tone with me when he feels like it. Perhaps we both need a little space from each other, so I'm going to organise to go away for a little bit. To get out of your hair and away from all the pressure.

You're choking me.
0 Comments
Mood: sad
something in the real to share: I wish I were back on the south coast far away from all this.

tron confessions Sep 30th, 2007 11:26:36 pm - Subscribe
For those that know who I am and that I can be found here, this is my confession. This is something that shame would have made me hold back in the past, but perhaps the truth is the best way to setting myself free...

The night before last, I attempted suicide. My partner had to hold me down forcibly to make sure that I didn't eat enough pills to actually do the job. I was taken to the hospital, and there bloods were taken and things were ok. They didn't pump my stomach. Tim's intervention meant that I couldn't swallow a fatal dose.

I had been out drinking, and I knew lately that alcohol fueled my suicidal tendencies. I knew that after a few drinks I would play chicken with myself, practically dare myself to do what I couldn't do when I was sober.

I'm now in a position where I can no longer drink. My relationship is hanging by a thread, because who would really want to make a life with someone intent on shortening their own?

My partner is shaken, in fact, he's disturbed. I'm left thinking that perhaps the best thing would be for me to leave in case I disappoint him again. I'm terrified that in some perverse way, if I don't leave first, he'll leave me.

So this is my confession. I'm here, just trying to make sense of it all....
0 Comments
Mood: reserved

tron morning story Sep 4th, 2007 6:58:37 pm - Subscribe
Its early, and raining. Skinny leg boots, small buttocks and bad haircuts abound at the only open coffee location on camus. People sho up with "I just woke up" hair do's and "I'm late for class" walks. People order coffees with the urgency of "I've got to get back I might miss something". People sit alone, or together and discuss things.

Im sitting alone. I'm wondering what I can do to make myself more comfortable, to make the rain stop, to make the sun shine.

I am trying to convince the wind to stop blowing, the trees to grow faster, the climate to renig on its pan to destroy me, because it is too early.

Suddenly I notice, over the pop radio rubbish, that the coffee cart has resorted to its false sincerity by calling the names of the people who it serves. I despise this, and although I have some ideas why I'm not 100 percent sure they are the root of the matter. In intend to talk about this with my therapist.

I type without looking at the screen. I pretend to be fascinated with the rain swirls and this generates a real fascination with the apparently cross directional down pour.

I've created myself into a character. I've made myself into a morning story.
0 Comments
Mood: charming

tron sleeping with the past Sep 1st, 2007 11:33:03 pm - Subscribe
Last night I went to a birthday party. It was a gathering of old school friends. We have known each other for more than 10 years. That feels kind of strange.

Looking around them all. They're so straight laced really. They're not perfect, but they seem to get through life ok. I was the only one in the group without a job, Still at university. Of course, on paper I can tell them that I'm doing my second degree. It doesn't matter that I don't mention that I didn't complete the first one.

It felt strange reminiscing. And now I've got a partner who fits their mold better than I ever did. I can't pretend to be some arty farty type anymore can I?

I dislike looking back on the past, but I'm still around. I'm still seeing the same group of friends. I'm still doing the same old things. I'm still stuck at uni... I'm so ready to move into the future.

I see my future as having a job, working hard, having a great relationship with my partner, who has been absolutely adorable lately, and as being safe, secure and comfortable enough that I can exppress myself in my free time. I don't want to end up a shell of my old self.

I'm still frightened of things, but I'm not going to let that be a problem for me anymore.

Motivate me.
0 Comments
Mood: spirited

tron hello kitty rocks your world Aug 30th, 2007 7:43:59 am - Subscribe


This is me. I am the hello kitty. I am not going to resize this image for you.

Ok this isn't me. But recently in a discussion with a friend of mine, I was being so darned cute that there was mention of the throwing of hello kitties and this became the notion that I was the hello kitty... and since I so rarely post pictures on this blog, I really wanted to do this to you aLL!!

THANX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111111111

PS I have NO idea who the woman is standing next to me. I'm just a big overly cute white cat in a dumb pose minding my own business and she's all touching my arm and stuff! AND taking pictures. I swear I can't go anywhere! :|
0 Comments
Mood: incredible

tron random jibberish Aug 29th, 2007 12:16:59 am - Subscribe
I keep hearing phones that sound like mine, which reminds me that I haven't got a clue where my phone is. This is so fucking frustrating. I'm tired, alienated, unable to talk to anyone and friggen over this whole uni thing. I wish that there was something else I could do...

Every guy that I see that fits my 'hot' criteria reminds me that I'm not really attractive by my own standards any more. I'm such a vain oersin, but its easy to be when you're surrounded by people who obviously spend their whole morning getting the,selves dressed up.

I like to type while I'm looking around the roo. I don't need to look at the keys or the screen to type, although I will need to edit this later, but if all I'm doing it typing out my thoughts and I don't have to read at the same time 'll be pretty successful.

Damn I love that this blog is all mine to write whatever inane shit comes into my head.

If you can't tell I'm pretty scattered today and don't really know what the hell I'm going on about. I'm just sitting here in the info common wishing that I could take a nap.

Naps are nice.

Sleeping is wonderful. I need to find a quiet place to take a nap. Adieu
0 Comments
Mood: wise

tron over my dead body Aug 28th, 2007 12:14:08 am - Subscribe
I'm scared. I'm scared that there might be too much work to catch up on and not enough time. I was thinking and I thought I had a great tutorial attendance record, but if I was there the last couple of weeks in this one particular tute, I'm really unaware of what had happened. How did I miss so many?

time to take the reins back.

I'm not going back to that for anyone... there's too much to lose...
0 Comments
Mood: reclusive

tron another mind melt. Aug 27th, 2007 6:47:54 am - Subscribe
Its not that late, but I feel weary.

I always seem to write when I'm in a down mood. Is it an exorcism or is it a catharsis? Or is it just another indulgence.

The net is an indulging place. Step right this way, sir/madam. We have you scheduled for comfortable pigeon holing at any time you desire. Seek, seek I say! Hide, Hide, I insist.

I'm not sure what I want to be writing. It should be so easy to sit down and work. I should take my meds on time. I shouldn't resist... resistance is futile.

What is wrong with me?? What isn't wrong with me? I'm NOT sick. I have NO excuse. Face it, accept it and get the hell on with it. You're only procrastinating with your life little girl and now you're all grown up.

So shit... or get off the pot.
2 Comments
Mood: wretched

tron stuck in the middle with myself. Aug 27th, 2007 4:18:17 am - Subscribe
My head is a mess again and my heart still doesn't trust me.
There are so many changes happening in my world at the moment bloggosphere... and the further I go down the road, the further it will be to walk back if I lose confidence and scream STOP! FOR FUCK SAKE LET ME OFF THIS RIDE!

But I don't want to use the safe word just yet, do I?

In the garage is a car. In the car are my things. The immediate possessions I need to get through my life. In the car are the boxes and in the boxes are these things.

I'm worried about so many things, uni, lifestyle. God I am packing on the pounds. I'd love to lose a good 15 pounds... I need to lose that much. I'm disgusting now. And not so long ago I had my body exactly the way I wanted it... and now it feels like all is lost.

I feel like I'm constantly sick. My head spins, my fingers tingle and for no good reason my muscles clench on me. Its like dying slowly. All I want to do is sleep.

And all around me the world keeps on turning like its not a big deal, and to be honest it shouldn't be... So why am I so desperately clinging to the idea that it is?

Commitment, if you're serious, takes away your options. Its selfish to commit to someone if you don't intend to be here for very long. And the longer I commit for the more that grates on my spine... the more it gets under my fingernails... I'm promising never to do it... I feel trapped, kept, uncomfortable...

Here is the hand out of the top of the hole! But where are the dressings for my hands when I get there? I want a pat on the back and a 'job well done'... Perhaps I need to keep climbing...
0 Comments
Mood: jaded

tron cog dis Aug 14th, 2007 7:43:59 pm - Subscribe
I miss my anonymity blog world. There's a difference between being anonymous and being ignored. I'm not sure what you want from me bloggosphere but I'm dying to give it to you and have you return the favour to me. But I don't have what you want right now it would seem. I don't have what you need and so you're not coming to me to find it.

The world keeps spinning and every day I get more and more complacent. More and more selfish. Yeah, have babies, breed dogs, eat shitty junk food, get fatter, exercise less. Take time to smoke. Drink coffee which comes from the labor of people who can't afford to take so much for granted.

Breathe deeply your own filthy air and push aside all feelings of futility. The world is not corroding. The world can go on like this forever and so can I. The problems facing us will be exciting new developments in the span of our short-in-comparison-to-the-planet history.

So everyone... drive more, walk less. Eat meat. Wear fur. Don't stop at intersections and bring on th anarchy.

Tron
1 Comments
Mood: reserved
something in the real to share: shy shy shy

tron its all ok Aug 13th, 2007 4:14:39 am - Subscribe
I'm so tired. But I'm good. I had a great birthday weekend. Now its monday and I feel dreggy. Its cold. I don't want to go outside. I'm heading out for dinner. I've got a sleepy throat... you know that feeling you get when you're well tired. I don't want to be snappy with anyone. Maybe a hot shower will make me feel better. I don't know. I'm grasping at straws.

So hey there blog world! You wonderful world you!! Pizza reflux burps and I'm definately putting on weight, and I'm kinda okay with it. I'm going to have to work to get fit again but for now its all ok.

I'm young, in love, grown up, surrounded by good friends and family.

In fact, fuck. Everything is ok. I'm always a little bit worried about uni but for now everything is ok. Its nothing that hard work and determination can't fix. So g'night blog world, hot shower, comfy clothes and uni work time!
0 Comments
Mood: content

tron la familia Aug 6th, 2007 4:09:00 pm - Subscribe
Someone spoke to me this week about sleeping forever. And it stuck with me. When I was younger I used to like the thought of sleeping through bad or undesirable or painful things unitl they were over. I used that technique a little bit when I broke up with Sam, but it didn't work. I just slept and every time I woke up, I had to remind myself what had happened and relived that fresh pain all over again.

Tonight I'm not sleeping. I haven't slept a wink. I took a nap earlier on in the day so I couldn't doze off when I went to bed at 2am. Now it's nearly 6am and i still can't sleep. So forgive me if I don't make a coherent point. There are just some things that I feel I need to get off my chest right now.

I'm also awake right now because I'd like to see the sun come up. I'm sure I've got massive bags under my eyes and when I finish writing this the sun will either be already up or I'll be pillow ready.

I found myself thinking about my mum again tonight. And I found myself fucking missing her like hell. I miss so many things about her that it seems that only a sleep deprived delusion can unlock from within my mind. I think I've finally gotten to a point where I'm not embarrased of the person that she is. I have thought in the past that who she is, how she physically is and everything about her rather crude manner was something to be ashamed of. Yeah thats right. I admit it ashamed. Thats a huge part of the reason I've kept her at arms length.

When I was a kid, I always used to think my mum was cool. She was a fun mum. A strict mum but a fun mum. We always used to get along. It helped to have a common enemy. But as I got older she scared me. She wasn't a fun mum, she was a dangerous mum with friends who smelled bad and a host of bad habits. I used to think I was old and wise because I'd realised that I didn't have to like my mum. But now I think I'm old and wise for a different reason. I think that whatever I feel about her as a person, doesn't stop the fact that she's my mum. And that means when I feel like a chat at 6am she's the person that I should be able to call. Whenever I'm lonely or unsure she's the one I should be able to get in touch with.

I know this is a little childish, but I've got this big lonely hole in my heart where my mum should be. I lost the chance with my dad, and I used to think that it would be easier for me if my mum were dead. But she's not and I think that I'm depriving myself of something I've always wanted and needed. I really miss having a 'family'. I've tried to make other people part of my family, but there isn't that mutual obligation with people who you select as a family member. There isn't that guilt free feeling.

I know that this like all my realisations won't last. I'll forget about it, get afraid of it or shy away. I'll distance myself again like I always do. Its not great but its me. The one thing you can always rely on about me is that I'm generally unrealiable.

I guess what sparked all this thinking about families was some news that someone shared with me and watching other people and their families getting along in the world. Its so easy to see that and want that for yourself. It is so easy to crave that attention, that sense of belonging. One day I want my children to have a big family to be involved in. I want them to know that there's always one place where they will be unconditionally accepted.

God. Damn. Don't we have the rose coloured glasses on this morning tron? You think its that fucking easy do you? You think any other family is that happy?

Yeah, I do actually. And I think that I can have that for myself.

I think I'm going to take a step and get in touch with my mother for my birthday this weekend... I miss her.

And speaking of birthdays guess what world! I'm turning 23 this coming weekend. YAY for me. I don't know what to think about birthdays at the moment. Its not like they're that special something that you had when you were a kid (unless you're kate lol). I miss party hats and goodie bags.

Now my birthday is just another reminder that I should be finished uni and out getting a degree and having a life. I've pushed myself away from my own life I think.

Well tiredness is finally winning and i think I may be able to shut those lids and go to sleep...

night/morning.
Tron
0 Comments
Mood: fatigued
something in the real to share: i'm about to watch the sunrise.

tron pillow mints Aug 5th, 2007 4:13:46 am - Subscribe
Today was another great triumph for the pharmaceutical sector of society once again proving that humans on drugs are far superior to sober humans.

"a gram is better than a damn"

I've caught up on much of the work I've been missing out on due to illness and begun a new course of mood stabilising goodness which should hurtle me into the coming weeks with a calm faced momentum.

The strange feeling of standing outside a crowded room and not being able to make out what people are saying has mostly faded for now and the feeling of social paranoia, while still there, is at least manageable for now... you all love me right?

Things in my relationship are good and the gnawing longing for the past has faded. I'm getting tired of dreaming things that seem real, so real that when you wake up, you almost relive the fresh feeling of grief that realigning yourself with the waking world brings. Its a pristine grief that I turn to on my pillow when my eyes open.

it can be overcome

This butterfly effect of waking and sleeping is probably the single most destabilising feeling that anyone could experience. Its a ground hog day of pain.

But Life is so much more than these emo rantings and while I'm up up up and away on pseudoeffadrine, the world looks so pretty between the clouds.

Loving you all... loving myself... loving life... not thinking about dying.

Tron
0 Comments
Mood: magical

tron neurochem alignment Aug 3rd, 2007 8:09:25 am - Subscribe
I went to the doctors today for some shots and a check up. Had to get a letter of support for my scholarship. Talked about how things have been in a decline lately. I've been confused. I've felt like a spectator watching a madman... like a rich woman in bedlam watching the festivities, but with the sudden and pervasive discomfort that you'd get if you suddenly realised that one of the patients was a close family member.

So i've been privy to my own debilitation. Argumentative, unstable, more 'difficult'. So the solution for now is new meds. I know that seems like the easy way out, and thats because it is. Thats because I know I can get that sorted. I don't have to worry about appointments with people I don't feel comfortable seeing.

To make matters really wonderful tonight I've got a dripping nose. Literally... Its fucked. It's gross.

I'm all kinds of messed up today. Here's hoping that these new meds can join forces with my old meds and together they can stabilise my fucking moods finally.

I just want to be happy...


Tron
0 Comments
Mood: nasty

tron morning madness Aug 2nd, 2007 7:16:34 pm - Subscribe
Its early in the morning. Well, early as far as I'm concerned. its 9:10 in the am.

I'm not interested in being asleep although sleep would probably do me a world of good. I can feel the bags underneath my eyes.

I should get up and get myself a coffee, step outside and actually enjoy this overcast but still beautiful morning. But I'm not.

I'm sitting here compelled once more to write my sweet nothings to you world. Sitting here not saying so very much that I would like to. Sometimes its best not to pen a confession.

I'm now starting to feel like "the drugs don't work, they just make it worse still i know I'll see your face again".

I'm starting to look into my mind and see corridors where there were wals. All these fucking dorrs and windows. I don't dare open or peer out.

Ctrl Alt Esc.

I think something is happening in my neurochem again. Its doing things that I thought it had well and truly given up on. I'm becoming a person I don't want to be again.

There are so many things that I wish I could change...

for fuck sake tron: hold your cards a little closer to your chest honey.

I'm not a very good writer. I'm cliche and unimaginative at the moment and its eating me. I'm trying my best to come up with things that I can hold up and say: excellent, this was done by me. When you read this you're going to see something that you are going to remember for the rest of your life. But it isn't happening. I'm not making that. I'm not being that person...

I'm falling so far from the person that I want to be...

"I'll see you on level six, I'll stop in and say hello on my way through"

Tron
0 Comments
Mood: quiet

tron pick a hat any hat... any hat will do Aug 1st, 2007 6:54:19 am - Subscribe
A friend told me something today that I just found really hard to swallow. He told me that he'd considered and got a referral to go to a psych and have himself checked out just in case there was something about him that just might show up in a personality test for a job or something somewhere along the line.

I couldn't get my head around it. I told him that if he were really worried about his mental health and he was finding that there was some kind of impairment or some kind of distress in his life that he felt he could attribute to psychological reasons then yes, he should get treated. But he seemed to think that psychologists are the only people who can accurately and reliably tell you about little things to do with your own person that you won't be able to recognise yourself.

I tried to explain to him that this wouldn't be any use anyway. You can lie on personality tests and you can lie to a psych. They aren't some kind of soul percieving machine that's going to suddenly be able to diagnose you so that you can look out for other situations like that in the future. I tried to explain that there are certain stigmas around mental illness (maybe even rightfully so? Subject for another blog) that he could do without. I tried to explain that when you get involved in all of this you can quite easily manifest symptoms. You can go in a normal healthy person and you can come out a jibbering wreck!

He still seemed to think that there was some method to his 'madness'.

Its a tell tale sign of society that my friend can sit there and over diagnose himself and his family and be okay with that. Perhaps they are a little dysfunctional, but it doesn't mean that they have mental illness. I mean, to some degree we all have illnesses in our body. Very few people get through the day without any kind of ache or pain. Without any kind of imperfection in their body and I think that a person's mind is just the same. We all can find symptoms that will match the diagnosis if we look hard enough.

I just think that its a bees hive and should be left alone unless it interferes with your life.

There are so many people out there struggling with mental illness. Its a pandemic. But we don't seem to be able to stem the flow of the disease. We don't seem to be able to stop the cause of the illness. We don't seem to be able to make people really better. And at the same time we don't want to let them be sick because they remind us that society as a whole generally seems to fail most people...

fuck its a head spin isn't it.

Well I hope you're all brave enough out there to just accept yourselves for who you are, without needing that fucking diagnosis of what you are.

Night bloggosphere.

Tron
0 Comments
Mood: catatonic

tron prepare the bandage, my hearts about to bleed a little... Jul 31st, 2007 6:13:02 am - Subscribe
So another day another university lecture. But it feels good to be engaging with the subject matter. It feels good also to be talking through my fingers again...

"why are they called fingers? I've never seen them fing."

I'm feeling distinctly more positive and more and more relaxed and focused. Maybe its staring at this screen and watching words form. Maybe its getting out of my own head. Being sick really fucked me over.

I'm really pissed off at the moment. This is a slightly political whine specific to Australia, so feel free to tune out.

Gunns Ltd a big nasty logging company based in tassie has been chopping down the old growth forrests for ages. They used to just chip the whole load of wood and send it overseas to make nice fat profits. But they had a little bit of a think about that and it turns out if they pulp the chip first and send the pulp overseas they make more money. So they petitioned the government to get this big filthy pulp mill through. Well it had to go through an independant commission and it was taking too long. This was starting to put Gunns off the project and they were apparently thinking of pulling out. So the government stood in, wrote special one off legistlation for gunns and then pushed past the independant commission and got the fucking thing passed. There are multiple negative environmental issues associated with the plant as well as the fact that the rate payers in the proposed area don't want the damn thing to go ahead.

What pisses me off most is that the fucking government is blatantly flaunting the one rule for you and another rule for us policy they have going with big business. It's fucked. We live in one of the driest environments in the world and they want to use our water to pulp wood? They want to cut down the fucking trees which are a staple in the rain cycle. They wonder why we have climate chaos at the moment????

Its gotten under my skin. I'm sure if you had a little look you'd find shit loads of simmilar things floating around the world. I mean, what kind of world is it when we just fucking bypass the independent commissions to make rules for big business at the expense of people who are trying to live and enjoy their hard earned homes and lifestyles? It just fucked.

Its as bad as the idea they have up in the town that I grew up in called Dungog to dam one of the valleys and create a huge dam to pump water down to the central coast miles and miles away because all the rich people with waterfront homes at gosford etc can't maintain their way of living because there isn't enough water down there. They want to sink lots of good farm land and push people out of their homes so that they can keep the richer more lucrative cunts in their lap of waterside luxury. Well i say that if you can't live there or you want to live there your water should cost heaps or you should abandon the place all together.

I'm just tired of governments fucking around with the people that they are supposed to represent rather than doing their jobs. Promises promises and no fucking action.

Tron
0 Comments
Mood: cranky and crampy
something in the real to share: i have NO hair :P

tron step two three ten hut! Jul 30th, 2007 6:46:26 am - Subscribe
I'm restless. I'm restless. I am without rest.
There is so much undone, not commenced, not considered.
I am restless.
There is not enough time. The time is going, leaving it is flitting out of my hands.
My hands fidget.
I am restless.
I am listening to music and its letting me know one track at a time the speed of my life's departure.
And I am restless.

There's something I can't quite put my finger on. I think I've been picking old old scabs in my mind again and managed to wriggle one of my filthy chipped fingernails under it... I've lifted a little bit and it turns out the wound is still alive, there's still a little blood flowing there. I've tried. Fuck. I've fucking tired to cauterise this wound. I've heated it up to red hot and stuck that thing in there trying to burn, blister and heal.

Illusions all of it.
Now I'm restless.
Illusions all of it.

I dreamed last night that I was harry fucking potter trying to save the universe. Riding animals around. Pinching other people's magic wands and running amok trying to gain the acceptance of other people.

Just try to focus on your new family and for your own sake; don't feel restless...

"i think a semi colon should go here"...

Don't hold on. Let that go.
But I feel...
Stop feeling.

I'm pleading with myself to make this all fucking stop. Tomorrow will be another day and I feel like I'm slipping backward into something that I don't want to be in. I feel like i'm sliding into somewhere I'd rather not be.

What I wouldn't give for a cigarette... quitting is for quitters.

Fuck this shit. Fuck my shit. Fuck this restlessness....

I just want to write. A thousand words. I don't care what they mean or they don't. I want to hold my own exorcism because here is my vomit and my head is fucking spinning.

I shouldn't swear so much.

I'd rather type than write these days. I'd rather scream than speak. I'd rather cry than sleep. I'd rather smoke than eat.

I'd rather punch than kiss. I'd rather bite you than touch your lips. I'd rather breathe than break... but I'm breaking. Just for a moment.

I'm restless. My mind is restless. My brain is restless. My life is restless... my head is spinning...

My insides rebel against the picket fence. The dichotomy arises and I become a diptych inside myself... a trichotomy when you count the objective observer inside...

"don't ask me kid, I just work here"

Fuckers. ALL OF ME AND ALL OF YOU ARE FUCKERS!!!!!!!!

The whole world is full of assholes and I'm just one shit away from flushing myself for good. Don't you think? Reflexive question. Let it all out baby. Let the words flow out.

Fuck you've been spewing for four or five days now whats one bout of verbal diarrhea in the mix of all these mind numbing symptoms.

Don't measure your words, lest they prove the measure of your mind.

Tron
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Mood: distressed

tron sick sick sick Jul 29th, 2007 1:10:41 am - Subscribe
Four days of throwing my hole up. Its been fun. Of course throwing up means either not taking my meds because its a waste to throw them up or heaving them. So I feel just fucking dandy at the moment. Sick and now depressed. WOOOO.

So trying to study would be a great idea if I wasn't so tired. I think I'll just suck it up and try anyway.

take care.
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Mood: deranged