Birhtdays are supposed to be happy right?
Date: Oct 17th, 2006 12:03:45 am - Subscribe
Mood: Really fucking out of it and down
What do you want?: A smoke and sex
So generally people are happy when their birthdays come around, I mean with all the gifts and the focus being on you and whatnot. I just can't seem to be happy though. I've been really depressed the past few days, like I haven't been in a long time. I can't think of anything else that could be making me feel like this except my birhtday, because of the fact that it's such a big deal this year and the two people who are responsible for me being the man I am today aren't going to be here for it. I know that sounds rather selfish, and I know they are probably much better off, but I still wish they could be here. Maybe it's just a combination of all of it, it being my senior year and taking three more classes outside a full school day, being on the speech team and having to write several speeches, working, and my birthday coming up. I figure graduation's going to be even worse for depression.
I guess what bothers me is that I've done so well in dealing with it. Ignoring it, and going and doing something when I feel it start, but it's back to being a constant thing again. Like it was in Idaho, it's no where near as serious as it was, but it's still constant. I hope it will pass, after my birthday has come and gone. Sometimes I don't think I'd know who I was if I didn't have that depression deep down and all my anger. I like that my friends call me asshole 7 times a day minimum.
I know I'll be okay and I just need to keep busy for awhile, but sometimes I want to slip a little, and then I make myself think about what life used to be like and I wake myself the fuck up. What do I have to be upset about anymore I got myself the hell out of there, I don't have to take care of everyone anymore, I don't have to worry, I don't have to be scared and hide that I'm scared, I don't have to be the man of the house, I don't have to take the abuse, I got my little brother out of there finally, and she's in jail where she fucking belongs. You're not getting stoned everyday anymore, you're not drinking every other night, you're not making frequent trips to principals offices, and no one's trying to put you in anger management classes anymore. What the hell do you have to be depressed about, you have a stable life finally. That usually helps, but the only thing that I can't seem to get rid of is, what if you had stayed? Would they still be alive? Is it your fault? I try to ignore that. I'll just continue to rant and get things off my chest to people I don't really know in person, and I'll work it out.
Date: Aug 12th, 2006 10:54:36 pm - Subscribe
What do you want?: life, money, and love
So yesterday was my last day of work, and I'm going to miss it. At the graduation dinner for the program on Thursday my dad was talking to someone and he told them he could tell that I was hooked. He said coming home from work at the end of each day I was the most content he had ever seen me. He's right, I loved my job this summer. Jarid, the foreman I worked for, offered me a job once I'm in the apprenticeship program. I've decided that construction is what I'm going to do as a career. Thirty dollars an hour, retirement, and full benefits is too good to pass up, plus I enjoy the work. I know it's not exactly the easiest thing to do, but I want to do it. I know what I'm doing after high school, all I have to do now is manage to graduate. One thing that made this program even more of a great experience is that for the first time, at least that I can remember, My dad told me that he's proud of me. I smiled all the way home from the dinner.
The trip that Ashley and I wanted to go on isn't really seeming to work out too well, she got a no for driving to Newport. It's too dangerous apparently. Bullshit. So I think we're going to try for Seattle. I went to Seattle once when I was like 5 or 6, when my dad lived there, but I don't really remember anything. So we'll both get to experience it for the first time together. I really hope this one works out, I want to take this trip before I have to go start work at Domino's. I want a vacation, I think it would be good for Ashley too, and I want to be able to go somewhere just her and I.
Oh, I managed to not acquire any injuries while I was working, until the last day. Ironic? I split my thumb open, an 18 foot 2x4 landed on it. It's no big deal though, because I did it. And I know that this next statement makes me sound like a little kid but I want to say it; to Cord and to everyone else who told me I couldn't do it. Fuck you, I made it through.
Date: Jul 4th, 2006 9:10:40 pm - Subscribe
Mood: Fuck yes !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What do you want?: SHould I talk slower like you're a retard
I went to the MSI concert last night that my girlfriend bought us tickets for, and all I have to say is Holly Shit!! Concerts really are like a religious experience, everyone packed so close together, everyone's all sweaty and screaming, and you're all there for the same reason. God it was hotness. The show kicked ass, Jimmy Urine is god. I'm sore, the entire area around my right eye is sore and bruised, but it was worth it. I loved it. The mosh pit was fucking fun. The concert in genral was so much fucking fun (minus Kill Hannah). I thought I liked MSI before, they're great live. I so want to do it again. Oh, and I stayed after the show was over and Jimmy came out with a sign that said Kisses $1, I did it. Yes, I kissed a guy, but he's a rock star so he doesn't count as having a gender, and my girlfriend and my brother did it too. Fucking fun, or as my brother would say; fucking woot!
Thank you baby.
Date: Jun 22nd, 2006 7:21:16 pm - Subscribe
What do you want?: a Smokew and a Soda
Today at work I had the weirdest experience, it made me kind of sad and happy at the same time. We had to finish the rest of our OSHA 10 (safety) training today, but when we were done with that we moved on to learning about all the different hand tools. We went down to the shop and got to use chisels, metal cutters, regular hand saws, our hammers, and carpentry saws. I had a blast.
When we had about an hour left before our day was over John and Mike had us clean up and head back up into the classroom to watch a movie about the construction of the St.Louis Arc. John put the movie in, and I put my head in my hand to watch; Then it happened. I've known that smell ever since I was little and I hugged my grandfather for the very first time. I always associated that smell with him, because it what he ALWAYS smelled like. It's the smell of work; of wood and metal, sweat and oil, and dirt. Sitting there in my chair before I realized that it was my hands that smelled that way I thought I had lost my mind.
Smell is a very interesting sense. People often associate certain smells with some of their memories. My memory of my grandfather will always have that smell with it, and I love that smell because of him. It was just the creepiest feeling ever, and at the same time the most satisfying to realize:
My hands smell like my grandfather's hands used to; like work, like pride.
I guess my mom likes to get beaten.
Date: Jun 12th, 2006 1:15:03 am - Subscribe
I finally talked to someone who's been in contact with my mother while she's in jail. She's back with her ex-husband Edd.
When they were together things were shit. She was addicted to meth and other things, he would beat her, and let us just say that Edd should not be around kids; he's a shity person and an even worse parent. My mother only has two teeth that are still her own, he knocked most of them out when they were together.
Apparently she's been back with him for quite awhile now. I can't stay in touch with her, I just can't. I'm afraid of this man and I hate him. I don't ever us the word and mean it. It's always a joke, or it's tied in with the thought "no I don't, I'm just really mad" but I hate this man. I've hated him for most of my life. I just can't keep in contact with her if she's seeing him. I think it would drive me crazy.
Even if my mother was a shity parent, she's still my mother, how can I just write her off, but I want to stay intact.
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