impatient1's Blog

I'm a dork, but I was curious
Date: Apr 25th, 2006 3:07:49 pm - Subscribe
Mood: fine


I got an egg.


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I feel better. :D
Date: Apr 2nd, 2006 3:45:04 am - Subscribe
Mood: overjoyed




My brother came up to visit for spring break, he was supposed to get here on the 25th and leave on the 1st at 1:20pm. He's still here. He told us how things really are back home, and we all decided that he was staying up here. I couldn't let him go back to that. From what he told my dad and I, things are just as bad as they were when we all lived together in Boise, if not worse. I personally think she's using again, but he's not going back to her so I don't care.

It's really nice having him up here, having a sibling again. I'm sure I'll eventually get back into the whole I hate having a little brother thing again, but for now I really like it. I have to admit it was really weird going from always having him be there (maybe more so because he is the only one who was always there), having him tagging along behind my best friend and I, and always taking care of him and making sure he was okay, to being like an only child and not seeing him everyday. I'm not saying it wasn't nice, but I also really missed him. I missed the wrestling in the back yard, playing football, playing catch, playing video games, and I even missed yelling at each other and then trying to beat the crap out of one another. I like that he's up here and I get to spend time with him again, but what I like about his staying here more than any other reason is that I know he's okay. I know he's going to eat, I know he's going to be able to take a shower, I don't have to worry about the fact that he's living with Mike in the house, I know that he doesn't have to really worry about anything anymore.

I felt so guilty when I left, like I was leaving all this shit behind and that he was going to try to do the things I did, try to take my place and take care of everyone. I felt awful because I wasn't going to be there to make sure that he didn't see the things that went on in Mike and Judy's lives. He was going to have to make sure that someone went and spent time with grandma and grandpa. I believed and still do believe that I had left this giant weight of responsibility for him, just because I wasn't going to be there to make sure he didn't have to do a single thing. That guilt has been a heavy weight on my shoulders since the day I left, it took my aunt and my dad's parents pushing me to even get me to leave, but now it's not there anymore. He's here, not there trying to deal with all that shit. For the first time in almost two years, I am guilt free, I don't even care that my mother is upset and depressed, she's not responsible as a parent, and she deserves what she gets.

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I miss it.
Date: Mar 26th, 2006 7:01:26 pm - Subscribe
Mood: bizarre
What do you want?: I have no idea

I've caught myself contemplating religion several times lately, more specifically my childhood beliefs. I've dug out my old pocket version of the new testament (it's the only thing close to a bible I still have), I've been thinking about having my mother send me my KJV, I was in Powell's and found myself in the religious section, sometimes I start singing songs from my church youth groups of 6 years ago, and I've found myself looking at the crosses and crucifixes when I pass jewelry stores. Lately I've just been having this yearning for a belief in what's there, one that I'm passionate about, and then I remember the way I used to feel when I was really little, after my dad left, before my mother pulled her shit, way before my grandparents died, before all of my stupid bullshit, and way before I left my small home town. God was there, and he was god with a capital G. It was so simple, a fact of life, I didn't question it, I didn't have my own experiences and my lack of experiences to make me question it. I went to church, I sang the hymns, I read the bible study stories, and I read the verse. He was there and he would always be there and that was the beginning and the end of it. Then I gave up and just quit thinking about it, I looked a little into other stuff and I believe in the sense of self, comfort, and relaxation it gives you, but it just doesn't feel like enough. I want to search and find what I really truly believe, but I'm afraid to put that much unquestioning faith into something like that. I want to decide if I believe in something else, something intelligent as well as powerful being there. I'm just anxious about it, I'm terrified of trusting anything that much, besides myself, I'm terrified of the questions it will bring forward, and the answers to those questions. I'm terrified of the whole experience, but I find myself longing for it. I'm not ready, but then again maybe I am. I've tried to ignore taking my faith, seriously. I haven't honestly, thought about or relied upon anything like that in at least 6 years.

I want to, but I don't want to.

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Once Again.
Date: Mar 23rd, 2006 3:26:33 pm - Subscribe
Mood: Fed up with his fucking shit!
What do you want?: A bruise

I hate heaving my lazy ass out of bed in the morning, my bed is just so warm and comfortable, if I move at all the cold wins. 7:10 a.m. I finally manage to force myself up, I wait for my dad to get out of the bathroom, and by 7:38 a.m. I am out of the shower, dressed, and smelling like Kilo. Then he starts in.

"Are you going to be late?"
"I don't know, probably." I had thought about lying, but that just makes him even more mad.
"Why this morning?"
"I don't know."
"You realize that you've been late just about every single day for the past week? If you can't be to school on time, maybe you shouldn't be allowed to go out, and do things on the weekend. No more seeing Ashley. Does that sound fair?"

He continues to yell at me about how I can't get out of bed, how I'm lazy, how I don't do anything. I've stopped listening to him by now, otherwise I'd be even later (not that I really care, Rosanne will let me into class, I'm one of her favorite students) I head to the back door, set my bag on the dryer so I can put my leather jacket on, and attempt to grab a couple of my dads' cigarettes for school. He comes walking into the kitchen, I drop the pack without taking any because I don't want him to open his fucking mouth again, my dad is cool with the fact that I smoke, he'll sit and smoke with me, but not asshole. I turn, grab my bag and head out the back door. I walk up the side of the house out to the sidewalk and turn to walk toward Division, My fist collides with the tree in front of my neighbors house. Nothing big, no blood, and no pain beyond the initial impact.... damn.

He uses the fact that I'm not related to him against me. I go to school all day, but I also have to take out the trash, do the dishes, mow the lawn, vacuum, and occasionally do laundry, otherwise I'm lazy and good for nothing. He hates that he has to buy me a bus pass so I started going to work with my girlfriend to fix that.

I just hate that I'm a burden, over and over and over again. I honestly do feel like I'm good for nothing. Maybe I should have stayed in Idaho and just disappeared like I was supposed to.

No I know that's not a good solution to anything, no matter how appealing it may sound. I have people that depend on me people that care (which is the weirdest fucking thing in the world, I don't care, why should they, I'm getting used to it, but it still sometimes pisses me off, because then I care and I try to placate them.) I need to do what I'm supposed to, quit my bitching and just be grateful. Maybe if I acted like I worshiped the ground he walked on he'd calm down. No I think it should be the other way around but whatever.

I honestly would just prefer that he hit me. It's so much simpler.

I can't wait until summer, I'll have a job, and be earning money and when he complains that he works all the time and shouldn't have to do any house work because I should be doing it to repay him, I can say "I work too, 8 hours a day, 40 hours a week and if you want, I can pay you rent and buy my own food." Maybe that will shut him up.
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Where's an enemy when you need one?
Date: Mar 14th, 2006 12:25:24 am - Subscribe
Mood: overloaded


Why is it that everyone expects me to take care of them, their lives and the messes they create. My brother, my mother, three of my closest friends, and my step sister. I'm supposed to talk to them, make them feel better and tell them what to do. I'm almost to the point of overload. I want a wall; a nice old brick wall that will flake off if hit hard enough. That would be nice, instant gratification.

What I REALLY don't get is how is it that I'm supposed to be so good for everyone else, when a lot of the time I'm quite the opposite for myself?

All I have left to say is: RAR
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