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ce_f I am a bad blogger - Subscribe
It has been a while. Hell it's been forever! Death, Re-Birth, Destruction, Rebuilding, and in the end I am for the short time in a state of refreshing clarity. It never last long clarity, but while you have it THINGS are GOOD. I could be less vague but that would mean going into the past several months and I have already lived it once.

Quote: "If we don't change direction soon, we'll end up where we're going"
Mood: resentful

ce_f Non radio Music Apr 18th, 2005 12:18:22 pm - Subscribe
My friend finally got his studio site back up. He's doing creative commons licensing through his label. It's cool if you got a band and you want to Sell CD's. Plus he has started it up with several of my friend's albums. The music is free to download.
Plus you can comment on the music.

The main site is,

This Studio is based in Dallas Texas USA but the label doesn't care where you are when it comes to printing and selling CD's. Maybe on day I will get off my ass and record my album.
Mood: alive

ce_f Liquid Inspiration Mar 7th, 2005 8:54:00 pm - Subscribe
Today was a good day. Work had finally broken the trial of endurance. Which mean for the time being there are no crises, no emergencies, and no rushes! Which is good, because I don't know how much more I could take? So I worked and then went and bought me some new boots. Sweet action! Then I had a crazy dinner. Blue cheese stuff tenderloin, asparaguses, garlic mashed potatoes, and a full body wine. . I'm getting week you see. Somewhere along the way I lost the fire that would have kept me from eating such a meal out of principle. Let me explain why I have this guilt.
Years ago there are several ways that would have explained me. None of which would have been nice. I grew up hard, hell I grew up fast. I fought everything; I so wish to have society blood marking my face. It was me against the world, so alone I don't even remember when the self destruction started. I was a bad seed, I had my hart on a shelf and I didn't care. I place everything in points of my own personal war against everything. Reversionary mind space at the time. An old punk sort of view. But one day someone came up to me and said they wanted to give me a job. Wait I'm missing something important. See you have to understand that when this all happened, Computers where not a common thing. Now amazing enough this wasn’t that long ago. But being computer savvy was a whole underground thing in its own right. So I ended up getting busted big time for some umm well questionable computer usages. Well that's when this offer of a job popped up, amazing timing. Yes that happened back then. Well the unnamed company gave me the job and then basically got me off the hook. Yes can you say sell out.
Over the years my success and achievement had risen. Hell I barley felt the Tech Crash so to speak. Well over the years I have started becoming soft. Picking up more and more of the bad habits. I will never fit in that world of people, but its comforts are like a sin that can't be refused. I live in a limbo day after day. Not being able to fit in with the people that I work with and around and no longer sharing the strife and struggles of the people that I most understand from growing up. It's how I justified my weakness guess. Some say it's growing up, some say it's treason of my core. I don't know but I can say that it's a double edged sword. Well any whey it was a good day, as good as it's been lately. Inevertold, I will right you a great ending to the story as soon as the creative juices start flowing again. Hope you are popping on to read a little, I haven't see you on in awhile. (Yes I am chatting you up, well I guess that's what it is. )


Quote "there had got to be a heaven, because I've already done my time in hell"
Mood: moodless

ce_f Vacation Planning Mar 3rd, 2005 1:59:21 pm - Subscribe
It's getting close to vacation time. I haven't decided where I am going this year. It's been awhile since I have been to Western Europe, and I was in Asia last year. I went to a weeding in mountains of Central Mexico earlier this year, so I don't want to go their again so soon. Australia is an option, but I might want to plan a trip where I can do some surfing while I am around (means going somewhere where I can get my board wet a little before going.). Hum I don't know. Not a life changing problem, but it's on the plate.
Mood: copacetic

ce_f Power outage Mar 1st, 2005 10:04:51 am - Subscribe
The power went out last night right in the middle of changing my blog. I lost most of a story segment I was working on, and I can't get one of my drive to come up. So FRAK.
Now I am just trying to get some work done, but im still quite upset about the whole ordeal. Four hours without power. BULLSHIT!!!
Mood: burned

ce_f The night worked out! Feb 25th, 2005 10:33:28 am - Subscribe
So after a hard day working, I went over to a good friends place. I have been struggling with this song for a while, so he was going to jam with me. After about an hour jamming, I pulled out the song. Well humbled I was, my friend is a far superior musician and caught on fast to the essence I was looking for. He liked the song, so he got into it. We spend about nine hours working it out, and a few variations on the original. He even talked me into adding a piano part. (It sucks to be able to write sheet music sometimes) That is going to be the send to mother version. So that was all that I did. I didn't even look at a computer last night. Felt good. I spend way too much time in front of a computer with the radio on during the week.

Drive it like you stole it,
Spend it like you didn't earn it,
Play it like you own it.

Mood: fuzzy

ce_f be that way! Feb 23rd, 2005 6:05:35 pm - Subscribe
Well there is noting going on. Not a thing. Well, I am in the middle of doing busy body things. Life is starting to slow down a little. You always think that is the thing to do when you are busy, but as soon as things are slow you want to be busy again. I got tagged with a massive work issue again. Most of the time I think cool. But this time I am starting to wonder if there is anyone else smarter than me that should be doing it. I'm not the smartest guy in the world, but I am good at what I do. But this problem has got me staying up all night. All well. I wiped out another piece to my story. I thought that the last part might me a good ending. But that might not be all that true. I am not used to writing in chunks. Usually I sit down and spend all day writing. So I think this my never end. It probably will tho. Someday soon I will come up with another story and start it. I did get two songs written this weekend, and unlike my weekend blog you can read them. I spent a little time with my guitar trying to place music to them. Not working out so well. All wrapped up with this work thing. Well ok Im off.

The Man Part Ummm

I lost her. I was so close to happiness and now nothing. Caught in a whirlwind of despair, pain and suffering is all that last. By now I should have come to realize that this is all that I am. Nothing more! There comes a time that you can't help but give up. The darkness of reality passes over your life and leaves you empty. Youth squandered, the good time lost without making the connection. No future, no past just a blank canvas without any ink. Traveling the world, nor riches can save your sole form the inevitable destruction of hope. I walked the streets that day. Going nowhere, seeing nothing. The motion of the city nothing but white noise. Where am I to go? What am I to do? Who cares anymore. I started every day looking into the mirror asking myself all the questions in the world. Seeing nothing but a dieing shell. A spark, a light, someone or something to make me feel alive. To break the painful rhythm of life. I don't what to stand out in the world, I just want to feel special in my own right.

As the day wound down I felt no better about anything, and my feet where starting to hurt. So with a fake show of hesitation, I headed to the little hole in the wall bar that I called home. Not home, more like an extended living room. I jump on the bus and sat in the back. Some how I ended up on the other side of the city, and this was going to be one long bus ride.

I like the bus. It really is the best place to do a little people watching. I like to make assumptions about people by looking at the why they are on the bus. Take the guy sitting across from me, and about two rows down. Young kid, maybe nineteen or so. Excited, and why wouldn't he be. He thinks he has a handle on how everything works, and yet there is so much new. New, yes new. Everything is still a little exciting to him. He lack the experience to know how most things end out, giving him that glorious feeling of worldly anticipation. He is dressed nice, so he is going out on the town. You can tell he has plans on what adventures the night will bring. Sitting next to me is an older man. Older than me, but no older than thirty five or so. He has nothing but his nine to five. You can tell in his eyes that he is doing home to a cold empty home. The poor son of a bitch probably thinks his job makes him happy. When really it is just a place to go where people talk to him, and he's not facing the facts of his existence.
Now there is a girl sitting about three rows down from me. She is the odd one. She has a glow about her. I'm thinking that she is in the beginning stages of some sort of relationship. The hint of dark rings under her eyes skillfully covered up by make up is an indication that she has not always been this happy. As I look her over thoughts of contentment start to fill my mind. But it's my stop so it doesn't matter much.

I head down the street from the stop, and head into the bar. Everyone is in the usual place in the back. Heading over to the corner I notice someone saying "well he's back to normal" and a reply "things must not have gone well".
I didn't even care to look back to see who had said it. I just hit the back corner, sat down, put everything into that little ball in my stomach where I keep everything else and ordered a drink. Then I turned to everyone and asked "So how is playing this dive tonight?"
I spit my drink out at the response. "We are jack ass!"
Mood: abused

ce_f Subject Less Feb 21st, 2005 5:30:04 pm - Subscribe
So I just read my last post for the first time. WoW, don't know what planet I was on.
So I should write about the last couple days, it's very interesting. But I used my blog time to write more of the story. Maybe I will get back to the last five night's events and that horrible blog latter.

The Man: Part 4

There is something about a shower. The warm water rushing over your head. Washing the pain and suffering from your life. I am so calm in the shower. Nothing bothers me. I never think about all the bothersome things that plague my day to day existence. Sadly it's the only time I feel OK. There is nothing like it, nothing at all.

After a long shower, clearing my mind and giving my wounds a chance to heal a little. I pop out into the living room to see what's up. Oddly enough everyone has left. The house cold as always, but quite. Looking at my watch I notice that it is getting close to One. So I rush out the door, nervous, excited, and intrigued. After all this time, I am now going to spend some time with Kat outside the coffee shop. A few blocks later and I am once again in front of the coffee shop. Slipping quietly through the door, I am startled by a new face behind the counter. I take a seat as a sinking feeling starts forming in my guts. After a few minutes, now fully immersed in disappointment. I glance at the clock on the wall that reads quarter after. So with the sake of my head, I stand up and head for the door. Just as I reach the door I hear a voice ask.
"are you looking for Kat? "
Calm and unchanged I simply reply
"Not anymore I guess."
"Well she said that if anyone was looking for her, she would be at the square for lunch. "
With a silent nod I walk out the door, head right and start walking down the street.
Three or four steps later I start to think. Maybe she is at the square? I don't know why she wouldn't be, she did ask some to let me know. The more I thought about it the faster I started to walk. Next thing I know I'm at a fast jog through the city to the square.
Almost out of breath I finally reach the squire. To my amazement there she is, sitting on the steps with a couple of sandwiches lying next to her. So with a smile on my face, I walk over to her. Sit down, and simply say "hi".
"hi your self, I thought you were going to blow me off' say's Kat wiping here hair out of her eyes.
"Wouldn't have missed this for the world" I smoothly deliver, which never happens with me.

She hands me a sandwich, and we talked for hours. She told me about her family, her life, her dreams, and her fears. I just listened in amazement. She was amazing. Deep, thoughtful, kind, soft, but most of all real. Nothing about her reminded me of a bad commercial, or the masses that fallow the media perceptions of how to be. We talked so long that the sun was starting to go down. The cold winter air started to get even colder. Kat in mid sentence got up, grabbed my hand and started walking down the street. Kat then turn to me and said that since we spent all that time talking about her, that I could walk her home. As long as I told her all about me on the way! So I slipped my jacket off and place it over her shoulders, and started talking as we walked. Something about her, I just told her everything. I held nothing back, every dream, pain, major event in my life. Good or bad.

After a long walk we were standing at the steps to an old building. A day that I was never going to forget, and I was thinking so hard on how to not let it go. Maybe if I could just make it last five more minuets, maybe this moment would last forever. A moment in time where I was free, with no pain, no sorrow, where everyone and everything just fades around us. Kat started up the stairs and stopped, turned, and said. "So do you like looking at the stars?" So with a smile I head up the stairs behind her.

We fell asleep watching the stars from her balcony, sharing a blanket. A simple moment, but perfect never the less. The next day I woke to find she was gone. So focused on the moment last night, I failed to notice that her apartment was empty. As I walked out of her place, a note was attached to the door. The note read,

I can't stay in this place one more night. Sorry about not telling you, I thought you might leave. You have given me hope. I thought about asking you to come, but I didn't know who to ask. You never told me your name. You are just the Man from the coffee shop.

Mood: unattractive

ce_f Wow I can\'t type now!!! Feb 19th, 2005 3:26:40 am - Subscribe
So I haven't posted in a couple. My friend came into town from Portland I we have been a little busy. I can't type well right know, its late any we just got back from checking out some killer bands, and well what not that comes with that. I will write more later, and get back to the story soon. I have some great ideas about what comes next.
Mood: ya trashed

ce_f Story Feb 15th, 2005 5:17:51 pm - Subscribe
Because I couldn't contain my excitement about my Plane stuff and because I said yesterday I would post another part to my continuing story. Well here it is.

The Man Part 3

So with an odd skip in my step I head down the street. Mike's place isn't far so it shouldn't take me long. Plus what a way to start the morning, coffee with a twist and now heading to mikes house. Mike and his band live in this old house a couple of blocks from me, and it's always happening. Home base for the tired and wicked, an absolute must for urban living. It's not much, not much at all. You really have to be a certain kind of person to feel at home at mikes. There is never heat running, unless someone is cooking something on the stove or doing a load. When mike is not playing, he is forever working on the place. Most of the rooms are barley finished, and there is always a room under construction. For awhile the only room that had a floor was the practice space. But there is something down now in most of the place. For awhile it was so bad, people were calling it fight club. You know the house in the movie.

As I move closer to the house, a noise starts becoming noticeable. O ya, they are up and playing already. It doesn't matter because mike's is surround by an industrial complex. At least two block away I can hear the music. They have everything cranked. Hopping up the five steps, cross the porch, and bursting thought the door. I make a B line for the practice room. A little disappointed they are all up, I really enjoy wakening them myself. The music is so loud you can see the dust dance three inches off the wood floor. The walls vibrating to the point where you can see it with a bare eye. Hooking the corner into the large practice room, my jaw drops. They have a wall to wall P.A. set up along the back. The drummer is all mic-up. There is an extra guitar player in the mix, and he had a massive stack set up. Must be nine speakers, just for him. Paul the drummer in wearing nothing but a pair of shorts, and the sweat is just poring off him like a broken pipe. Mike is playing so hard his brow is just a stream. Dan the Bass player is just beating the bass.

The music was fast and hard, and at this early in the morning that could only mean that no one has slept yet. So with a node and some quick step, I lump myself crosswise into a chair. Reach over not missing head nod to the beat, and pull something to drink on out of the cooler. After a little bit I am all consumed in the music, not missing a beat, note, or word. I think I am going to get serious brain damage from this experience.

Mike hops over to me and slings his axe off and into my lap during a sole from the unknown second guitarist. Then dashes off to god know where. With a crack of my neck, I join in without missing a beat. Ease for me since I am facing everyone, and can see what in the hell they are playing. But in my o so laid back lazy why, I refuse to leave the chair. No ending, no starts, just a constant playing. I don't know who this new guy is but he is amazing. Leading us from one song to another with ease, a far cry from my hack playing that's for damn sure. This guy has chops !

Mike runs back into the room and dose the little spaze dance, and then gives the cut throat sign to everyone. Once the music is stops mike looks at me and say's in an o so authoritative manner,
"Dude you need to practice"
Which I rely with an oh so famous finger gesture, a smirk, and a slight nod.
"Nice!" mike says removing his guitar from my hands, and placing it on a stand.
"So man what brings you here" mike says as he turns buzzing equipment off.
"I need a shower" I reply, which mike snappy replies.
"O YES YOU DO, man"
Leaving me with nothing to say, I hastily spit out "O ya and Dan owes me 20 bucks"
But the only reaction I get is a nice smile from Dan as he walks out of the room.
Mike thrusts himself on the couch sitting a little angled from my chair. Then turns is head and oddly says "o ya man, this is no name"
"No name?" I taunt
"Mom didn't like you much did she!" I taunt some more.
Which mike replies "don't mind him, his mom doesn't like him ether."
Stealing one of mikes smoke off the table I flick the light and take a long drag. But out of nowhere mike questions
"What's with all the smiling?"
"Smiling what smiling?"
"The shit ass grin you have had on since you walked in the door. Most people I wouldn't think anything of it. But you don't smile."
Now this hurt a little somehow, I know I haven't had much to smile at lately but I didn't realize it was now my defining character trait.
"Well I am having lunch with that Kat girl" I boast.
"The one from the coffee shop?" Paul says, now lying on the floor next to his drums.
"yep that's the one" I again boast.
"well then you need to definitely take a shower, I can smell you over me" Paul response with a hint of triumph in his voice.
Mike and Paul start to chuckle, as I pull myself out of the chair and head for the shower.

To be continued::
Mood: jumpy

ce_f Building an Airplane Feb 15th, 2005 9:47:55 am - Subscribe

This it's here. I just got the plans and all the material have been delivered to my hanger. The build project has now started. This is going to be nuts. I have included a picture of what I am building. Crazy is what this is going to be.

Mood: dangerous

ce_f Today Has Ended Feb 14th, 2005 10:25:32 pm - Subscribe
Tired, drained, intellectually incapacitated. It was like no problem was solvable today.
Hours and hours spent with the answer riding on the tip on my mind. It was like I could feel it just under the skin between my forehead and my hair line. But I just could not reach it. This is not how I needed to be spending my day. I have so much to get done this week. But today was a loss. I worked, stopped, then worked some more. I have been up since four. Gee I wonder why my social life isn't bursting with activity!
I spend all too much time working. (I should fix that)
On the brighter side my best friend is flying in to just hang out. Thought was kind of cool. He called me up and said, Hey mind if I stop in for a couple of days. I mean crap we live 2000 miles apart now. We have been friends for so long I can't even remember. Guess I shouldn't be so surprised.

No story to night. I just can't image what happens next tonight.
I will post the next part tomorrow. If any one cares.

Happy V day to all you beautiful and stimulating people.
Remember, the sun will come out, the clouds will dissipate, the snow will melt, and you harts will mend.

Mood: tense

ce_f Sunday, but still Saturday Feb 13th, 2005 1:52:23 am - Subscribe
So today was uneventful. I worked o ya. I like my job, but I hate it when deadlines cause me to work on the weekends. Read the Blog, played some guitar, and wrote Part 2 of my new continuing story. Im tired so I don't think that it's as good as part 1, but it's apart of the story now. If it still sucks in the morning I will have to compensate in the next installment.

The Man : Part 2

As I sip my small cup of coffee, watching Kat float about the shop like an angel. My attention is pulled away by the crashing of the shop door. Bursting into the shop like a bull is my friend Alex. O yes Alex. Alex is a strange sort. Alex lives in the suburbs in a large old town house. Polar opposites we are, I like to remain as anonymous as possible while Alex on the other hand. Well let's just say he has never past an opportunity to be noticed.

Dude what in the hell are you doing? Alex smirks.
Drinking coffee, what's up? Like I needed to ask.
Mission! Alex replies.
No No No not a Alex mission. Every time Alex is on mission he one, makes me apart of it, and two it's never never worth the trouble.
No mission, not today Alex.
Ha Alex replies as he reaches over and takes my last sip of coffee. Let me get this straight your social calendar is so full you can't go on a mission?
No I reply.
Your going! Alex demands.
I have plans!
Plans what plans?
Then from behind me Kat speaks up, he's having lunch with me.
What? What just? Did she say that?
Well, I guess I will see you later man. Alex proclaimed.
Ya, later Alex.

Wow lunch, I wonder if she is serious? I have never been all that good with anything non direct. I guess that's why I don't date much. It's not that I am an idiot, but all that cloak and dagger stuff throws me off. Hell I can even tell a simple lie, without being read like a fast food menu. Screw it! Standing up from the chair I ask, Hay Kat! What time do you take lunch?
Kat turns and looks at straight at me. One o'clock she says quietly with a smile.
Well then I will see you at one o'clock? I asked.
But the odd thing is she just smiles and goes back to clearing tables. Hum, here we go again. A little off key I make my way out the door.
So now I am going to lunch with Kat. I think? Well it seems I need to get something accomplished today after all. Number one, I need a shower. Two I need get a couple bucks. How? Hum? Someone I know has running water still. I got it! Mikes band house.
To be continued::::

Good Night
Mood: twisted

ce_f Saturday ya Feb 12th, 2005 2:07:00 pm - Subscribe
I have nothing going on, so I am going to start a story.


It's a state of nonexistence. A vacuum. All consuming darkness with no senses what so ever. I neither see nor feel anything, almost trapped in a small box. I know im breathing, but there is no smell. Dreams! Dreams are nothing but a myth told by mothers to calm children to sleep at night. Nothing, for me here.

This is what sleeping is like for me.
Im blessed, I guess. I sleep anywhere any time. Not like some. There is a tapping at my head. It's pulling me out of my little world, No No I don't. Damn im up. One more day in the big bad world.

I take a few deep breaths, no point in trying to get back to sleep now. Once im up there is no going back. Slim strains of light pear thought the blinds. That's the problem, maybe I will hang a blanket over the window. That will fix the problem. Light has always woken me up. I think it's from years of a stringent father waking me up by turning on my bedroom light. Bastard!

With one long stretch I locate my smokes and lighter. Sweet, usually I can't find my lighter. Light the smoke, that's all that I can muster as far as thought goes. Two drags later im suddenly aware how cold it is in here.

Not much I can do, it's winter and I am haven't paid my bills in awhile. Ha I still have electricity that means hot water.
Rolling out of bed I stumble into the bathroom. With both hands on the sink I gaze in the mirror.

What in the hell happened. Where is the guy I use to see looking back at me. It's an odd concept, looking at your self in a mirror. As I shack the cobwebs from my mind, I recall how I got here and what the hell im supposed to be doing. Right! Shower! Hot warm water. I turn the valve on the shower, crap water bill. This has to end. Looking around I spot a can of soda, o god this is going to suck. I am going to brush my teeth. So with a mouth full of flat soda and my toothbrush I start to brush. Ummm mint soda, they should really market this stuff.

I crawl farther along my morning routine I throw some clothes on and head out the door. Got to get out of this place. Down three floors to the front door of my building. I head for the coffee shop. Luckily I know a girl
that works in the morning; she gives me a free small. But on good day's I show up at the end of the pot, and she gives me a little more. Nice girl. Her name is Kat. Stunning girl really, not the picture perfect cover
girl but those eyes. Green like a bright emerald. I could look at those eyes all day.

Kat looked up from the paper she was reading. Hi, you are early today. Damn I thought small it is. Morning I muttered. Here's your coffee, thanks Kat you are a life saver. Any time handsome, she replied, and with a
smile and a wink I walk over to a table to drink my coffee and watch Kat for a moment.
To be continued:::::
Mood: Ducky

ce_f My First Day Feb 11th, 2005 6:51:06 pm - Subscribe
So this is sweet, I've always wanted to so this. Well I use forums a lot but sometimes there are thoughts in my head, and sometimes there is nothing. But when there is, I want to voice them.

So take today for instance, I am sitting at a cafe and out of nowhere this kid flips out. I mean raging, running around reeking havoc knocking stuff over. Now I am all about social disturbance, but this was ridicules. Finally his mother I think gets him to settle down. So I shrug it off and go back to eating my fry's, and reading. But here comes the really freaky part. This kid slip's out of his seat, and next thing I know he is pulling a Helen Keller on my damn fry's. So shocked and just a little disturbed by my dining experience proceed to inform the mother to keep her damn child out of my fry's. Next thing I know all hell breaks lose, the women went off like a rabid dog. So the mom’s yelling the kid starts to cry, and the manager comes out to see what the hell is going on. Next thing I know, I am being asked to leave. ME! What the Hell? When I ask him why I need to leave, he said I "ME" was aggregating his patrons.

Now this is all well and bullshit, but so you know what really chaps my hide. Everyone had the chance to speak the F up and boot that little shit, and his obnoxious mother out. But no, everyone just sat in silence. What a bunch of lemmings. Now I bet you 50 bucks if that woman had grabbed up her kid and beat is a$$, there would have been a damn upheaval. But because everyone was afraid to voice a complaint that might not be shared by everyone in the whole world. I had to leave.

The only just part of the whole deal, I took my fry's and went home. While every one of those people sat in the cafe with that kid.

Mood: grr