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non Don't play the pathetic act with me - Subscribe
I try to refrain from blogging far too often thesedays. It's not all that hard, especially when most of the time I'd be thinking twice about what I actually want to write. When I do start thinking, things would either be too petty to be jotted down, or they just don't feel like they ought be immortalised in forms of written words.

I've resolved issues with my sister. Not by discussion or anything like a heart to heart talk. I talked with mum about it. She advised me to put it behind and not give it much thought. She is right of course. I was already aware of the fact that it was just me being a bit more sensitive. But statements that puts oneself down just because of stature in society, always riled me up. I told mum that if it was some random stranger that talks like that to me, I would loose any form of respect to that person as a human being. Sister is just lucky shes my sister. And the fact that she was joking, saved her neck.

And now I realise that I actually have a really strong feeling about this. I mean, I have always gotten annoyed when people talk about themselves like they're not good enough and whatnots, but only just recently, with my sister's case is when I really saw that it really pissed me off.

I just believe that everyone has equal stature to get the things in life. If they self proclaim that they are not as good as the next person, then they really should crawl back into their timid shell. If you really have the time and thoughts to spout such pathetic and self-pitying words which not only demotivates you, but everyone else around you, then you actually do deserve to be where you are.

So why is it that I get annoyed easily by this? Primarily it is because I rarely judge people by what level of education, money, social stature or anything of that likes. Especially education, and money. Bende ni paliiiiiing pantang kalau orang melebih-lebih.

"Ye lah, awak tu banyak duit, saya ni miskin je"
"Kita ni sekolah pondok je, ko belajar tinggi, boleh la"

What do they really get out of statements like this? Takkan simpati kot? If it were people close to me saying this, and if I wasn't hurt by their statement, I would give them a good sound scolding. To say such to me, is the same as saying that I have been thinking that they are beneath me. Which basically is an insult.

And that is why I don't tolerate when people say that they aren't as good or anything equivalent.
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Mood: aggressive

non Choppy 8th Apr 2008 @ 1:38 am - Subscribe
I try to be very positive about things. I try to practice what Ayah had taught me, about why should I head-spinningly worry about things which I shouldn't even waste an ounce of time on.

When people ask "How is work?" I always tell them that I am enjoying it. As much as stressful as it can be at times, I still think that I am very much at ease and comfortable with doing it.

However, should I paint the picture on the operations and administration, I think painting a picture of hell would probably describe it better. I've always given people a fair chance to prove themselves before I pass any judgement (ok, maybe not always, but most of the time, when I am in check). I don't look down upon the administrative people. I never have. Even when people left and right were telling me when I started working, that I should be aware of the problems these people can cook up. I was even told about oldwives tales of lady bosses. I hold them in regards like I do on the universal views on stepmothers. I for one believe that whats real and what people like to pass on in stories can sometime be quite different.

So I try to be positive. To be objective. To be impartial.

But it is so hard when people are obvious in doing things that does not make sense. Even with the extensive bureaucracies that exists in the gomen sectors, or the fact there are ass-kissers here and there, I didn't really expect that it would cause all that much problem.

The Big Boss had, since day one I joined, told us, it about integration and multidisciplinary. But when the smaller bosses are so adamant on 'mine mine mine', it is pretty much obsolete to think about integration. One may say that it is healthy to be competitive. I don't think the lady boss understands healthy competition. It is not healthy when you force your staff to be pressured in the wrong way. There is good pressure and there are bad ones. The good ones gives you non stop adrenaline and running like the energizer bunny. Bad pressure gives you headaches and induce procrastination as well as negative view on the boss themselves.

As for the administration....how do you tell someone, to get it in their head that they are not the core part of the organization. It does not make them any less important, but they need to priorities on things and not magnify petty issues as well as acting like they're the pariah of the whole thing and like we do not give them enough credit.

I know that there is a stigma with things done. I don't know why, but I don't think a Utopian organization is achievable. At the same time however, for a new organisation, it should not have been hard to actually start clean and good. A few hiccups and bumps is acceptable. But to have made me actually feel like its a lost case is not really a good way to go about things.

I still love my work. I love the fact that what I am doing is a form of contribution back to the society. I just wish that everyone repriorities their goals and focus and have a well oiled structure of organisation running. I'm sure we can really be the best, and encourage the best there is for all.

Give me strength, make me the strength for others and let me absorb strength from the strong.
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Mood: disturbed

non Away 31st Mar 2008 @ 8:31 pm - Subscribe
The fact that the other site is down (for how long already, I have no idea) is why this should be ample of space to write.

My ability to think and write comprehensive works have sort of declined over time. I tend to be less bothered to take a bit of my time in the course of the day, to jot down even one or two lines. Even my paper journals have been collecting dust for far too long. I may have forgotten what it means to be inspired in writing.

The past recent weeks, I have been away on a long course. A 3-week course to be exact. I initially had dread in me when the idea of being couped up in a hotel room and the the outdoors for the 3 weeks got to me. All in the wrong intentions.

In the context of having to communicate and work with people outside from my comfort zone (work, school and so on), I can give my self a pat on the back for a good work. I am generally hard to blend in straight away. It is much easier when I put my head to it and do it with the right intentions. Getting the intentions into focus like a burning torch at the end of a dark tunnel, does its trick.

At this age, I'm more game for anything new. I'm still reserved about some opinions I have, but that's just because I believe that you can never fully trust people 100%. Especially ones you have just met. And there is that percentage of paranoia in me, that was probably instilled in me through the television crap we all get. Paranoia about agents and double agents and whatnots. But then, at the end of the day, if we have the right intentions, live the right way, and believe, then, insyaAllah, things will flow well at the end.
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Mood: knackered

non There you go 24th Feb 2008 @ 4:10 am - Subscribe
There goes my intention of doing a daily log of my expenses here on this place. Then again, I should have seen this coming. There is just so many other things to do that I hardly have the time to sit down and jot thoughts, even if I wanted to.

Maybe I'll add more later.
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Mood: fickle

non Test entry 27th Jan 2008 @ 9:13 am - Subscribe
See. I can.
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Mood: disillusioned

non Perception 27th Jan 2008 @ 4:19 am - Subscribe
And I asked our IT officer, because we had been chummy for a bit and because he asked me the question first and I had replied honestly, "So what was your first impression of me? For your information, I have been told prior, that people at times perceive me as a snob, and introverted snob"

He laughed at that.

He instead said, "My first impression of you was this - 'selamba'"

I was stumped. Nonchalant? That wasn't very good was it? And I asked him what he meant by that.

He said that he thought I was a very modern Muslimah (how ever that had meant), and that despite I was fully clad in hijab and jubah as usual, I am not demurely silent and act like typical be-tudung-ed girl.

I didn't know whether to be offended or take it as a compliment. But I knew he was being honest and seeing it as a positive side, and not slanderous at all. But the fact that such notions of betudunged girls are still rampant, even amongst educated people irks me quite a bit.

I told him, well, you must have not met that many betudunged girls then. It was partly light sarcasm, and partly supposed to be a statement to rebut his initial opinion. Then again, my own self may have already done that for him eyh?

Another thing, as much as I am very liberal in some terms, I don't quite like it if it is outwardly seen that way. I rather people classify me as a snob on first impression, if not something nice. It's actually better than 'selamba'. Really. I almost equated selamba to easy. Which is not appealing the very least.
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Mood: romantic
$: 0 (and $20 on Sat, for breakfast with the sibs)

non Respecting the host 25th Jan 2008 @ 5:11 am - Subscribe
The first wave of emotion/feelings, were nerves and adrenaline. It likens to stage fright without the fright so to speak.

And then, I read something which triggered a negative emotion in me, because of the way a subject was approached, or rather, the way a comment was made that it did not pay heed to the neutrality of a discussion. Regarding blogs or online journals, personal ones at that, I have reasons to believe that the author has rights to write, and if it is for public eye (which means, they expect people to be reading it), he/she may approach subject of sensitivity with a neutral tone and impartial judgement (if that is possible at all). "May" isn't "MUST". However, commenter to the entry, ought to have some sort of respect for that personal space the author has. There is no legal term here, it's just what I believe works for me, because blogging is a case of take it or leave it. If you don't agree, then don't agree. If you do, then yay, good for you.

In other words, commenter should respect the 'house' they are in, and don't just blatantly write comments.

Or maybe I was just a tad bit too sensitive in this department? Maybe, maybe not.

Then again, when you think about it, its always the defensive people who irks you the most. And defensive people are WAY too stubborn.
1 Comments
Mood: irritable
$: 27 (and $11 on Thursday)

non Keeping tabs 23rd Jan 2008 @ 2:14 am - Subscribe
I use the custom variable add-in to keep tabs on my outgoing expenses. But that kind of requires me to write daily logs. Something that I'm quite deterred to do off late.

But it has been a good way for me to keep tabs. In a fun sort of way, rather than my normal expense log on excel.

I was handling my plastic money fees yesterday. My CC habits are actually quite mundane. In terms of payment that is. I treat my plastic money as a short term borrowed transaction because I really don't like carrying money around. You can always almost expect my wallet to just have the necessary amount per day to spend on cash-stores.

For big purchases, my stand is, its buy-able if I have that amount to spare in my account. And as soon as I am home, I would log online and pay off the expenditure for the day. So every month, I don't have anything to pay off from my CC outstanding balance.

Some of the people at work are quite awry of using CC. They said that CC are the root of most debt-story, or that they'd get uncontrollable urges to spend more than they can actually afford. I understand their sentiments, but I myself don't really see what the scare is about as long as you know how to handle your money, the coming ins and the going outs. A little bit of self control, goes a long way. At times, you just need one to pay for an amount that is ridiculous to carry around in times like these. Even having more than $200 makes me jittery. So there are advantages to using a CC. You'd have to have a steady paycheque of course, to use it without the misuse.
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Mood: safe
$: 0 (today's a holiday)

non Real Intentions 19th Jan 2008 @ 9:34 am - Subscribe
I've never written about this before. Not because it is some dark secrets. Nor is it something I'm ashamed of. It just never is something I wrote. Maybe because I would not want to know what readers perception of me is at my normal blog.

I have discussed it with friends.

It isn't really something normal either in my society. But it isn't illegal or anything like that.

What is it? Its about marriage and children.

You see, when I was in school, I used to dream of marrying early. I hoped to find the man of my dreams and so on and so forth. The second part was mostly teenage thoughts. But the marrying early was not a fleeting thought. I still had that in mind when I reached my early 20s. It was quite exasperating when I became 21, then 22, and 23, and so forth. "So when is prince charming stopping by to ring the bell," I'd mused.

Along those years, I attended this one health course. About first pregnancy, being healthy and optimum at an early age. And this early age is before 32 (varies of course between women). And it struck me. Did I want to get married because I wanted to get married, or because I wanted a family. A big one at that. Which meant I need to have my first child quick.

It is absurd to put it that way of course. But it did made me think on why I was so adamant, so wanting to get married early.

Not that I would want to settle down with just any Tom Dick or Harry, but well, there are stronger wantings.

Oh wouldn't it be great if there is someone I already fancy?
1 Comments
Mood: beat
$: 40 (and $5 on Fri)

non Talking about everything 17th Jan 2008 @ 5:38 am - Subscribe
I am quite quiet around crowds of people, and I only will talk when there is a need or, the topic is something which I am genuinely interested in. I don't believe in making small talks to socialize. In fact, I don't think it is even within my principles to pretend to want to talk or chat while mingling, when in reality, you just don't give a tuppence about what the other person thinks. All forms of interactions should be done willingly and a two way kind of thing. So if I didn't feel like talking, then I shouldn't be talking.

It's different when I am with a small group, or with one person at one time. I would open up much easier and at times would delve inside and talk about almost everything. The downside is, there are moments I wouldn't know when to shut up.
2 Comments
Mood: stuck
$: 5 (and $52 on Wed)

non First Impression 14th Jan 2008 @ 10:23 am - Subscribe
I have never really relied on first impressions. At least not consciously. I still believe that the will to make a good first impression is always something to follow upon. But, those looking on at the ones wanting to make good impression, must not take everything at face value.

I don't agree either to listening to gossips about a person before you know the person. You'd end up having a different perception, a biased one, regarding that person. And that is just unfair.
2 Comments
Mood: indifferent
$: 40

non Like 12th Jan 2008 @ 2:10 pm - Subscribe
I do have to say, this outlet gives me a streak of new-ness. Like back in the good old days. We'll just see how things are in a couple of days.
1 Comments
Mood: zealous
$: 0

non Happy Birthday 12th Jan 2008 @ 1:51 pm - Subscribe
to non the blogger
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Mood: sleepless
$: 0