Archives: February 2005, March 2005, April 2005
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isobel i love technology - Subscribe
Napoleon Dynamite
"Always and Forever"
(by Kipland Ronald Dynamite)

Why do you love me?
Why do you need me?
Always and forever

We met in a chat room
Where love can fully bloom
Sure the World Wide Web is great
But you, you make me "salvavate"

Yes I love technology
But not as much as you, you see
But I still love technology
Always and forever

Our love is like a flock of doves
Flying up to heav'n above
Always and forever
Always and forever

Yes, your love is truly great
Always and forever

Why do you need me?
Why do you love me?
Mood: angsty

isobel addendum to 123104 Feb 14th, 2005 2:44:50 am - Subscribe
i think i want to hide behind a camera.

i want people to see what i see. in addendum to my confession on dec 31st -- it's a mistake -- sharing what you see in life should not be share with one person -- it should be shared with the world.

maybe i wasn't in love.

so offically today, i'm going to save some money, get a moderately good digital camera, and get some webspace and photograph everything i see.

i've been an amateur collecter of oddity, maybe i should use this to my advantage.

i finished another painting today.
this is good too.

so i'm here because it's time for me to speculate about somethings and capture emotions and set them someplace other than my own hands.
Mood: violent

isobel vday? Feb 15th, 2005 2:09:33 am - Subscribe
why is whenever i hear Karen O sing Maps, goosebumps form all over my arms. is Maps to be my own little anthem?

i got the yeah yeah yeahs dvd, tell me what rockers to swallow. it's good stuff. pin is a video that reminds me of stephanie. y control is a video that reminds me of myself (and if you watch it unrated it's utterly disturbing.)

karen o. is hot. period. she is so severely ugly -- its like one of those puppies that are so ugly, they're beauty can't be dismissed underneath hideous, but simply beautiful ugly. and her voice! her voice!

killer's mr.brightside is a FUCKING great song, i feel it, baby -- no really i feel it.

I'm coming out of my cage
And I've been doing just fine
Gotta gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all
It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this
It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss
Now I'm falling asleep
And she's calling a cab
While he's having a smoke
And she's taking a drag
Now they're going to bed
And my stomach is sick
And it's all in my head
But she's touching his--chest
Now, he takes off her dress
Now, let me go

I just can't look its killing me
And taking control
Jealousy, turning saints into the sea
Swimming through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibis
But it's just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
'Cause I'm Mr Brightside


but the rest reminds me of cure, real life (remember send me an angel?) and a little bit of a few unname bands that i salated over when i was younger. so it feels familiar. worth the 10 bucks, but not the flubbering from people -- it reminds me of flailing my arms around and dancing in a large group of people.

valentine's day was a hit/miss for me. a good and bad debut into loneliness and a few last minute calls. sweet. i ate @ sweet tomatoes and gorged on salad and bought cds.

ordinary day -- i didn't feel lonely i just was. and i don't necessarily mean lonely -- i mean i just was be-ing.

nothing special, or extrodinary.
but several shades of wonderful.
Mood: sassy

isobel same thing, different sadness Feb 15th, 2005 2:49:43 am - Subscribe
i miss r. is this wrong? considering we both didn't get the job? and i know he's moved?

40-46 days.

i just flipped a switch, got sad for a few days, announced to everyone that my heart's broken and poof -- kept myself busy. not w/other boys or one specific boy, people of the same gender, working on myself, changing my look -- reading, working on my (he)art -- everything i could do to keep my mind off of things. now? every So Often it creeps. and i speak of it. and i let it go -- and now i speak of him w/o animosity and wish him well. i hope he is.

it was killed in order to save my own heart.
and in the process i killed us.
it was killed to save my dignity,
and in the process i killed us.
every once in a while i feel guilty
then i realize i'm standing outside of something bigger than what I was.

goodbye, we've been friends for 4 years only within 45 days to be gone.

my friend is dead and this being is replaced
who is cold and calculating
and full of hate
my heart is dead and this ice in its place
slick and glassy staring @ its reflection
worth nothing w/o someone else to look @ it

and i've found several thousand people who remind me of you,
and i see things that remind me of you
and i know you've pushed me back
sitting next to owen

no wonder turned into a stripper
she had everything she wanted in front of her
and you did too
but you can't grow up -- want someone to take care of you and you take care of them

she had everything But,
and no matter what you say,
it was love.

and she found it somewhere else.

well, i'm not that predictable and my body's not that great.

but i'll turn my sadness into anger
into destruction into construction
and admit, i loved you, i loved you so much
i fell flat on my face in anger and resentment
because i knew we were dead the moment i placed you in the spotlight
focused the attention away from the audience and on you...

and we stood and you got angry at my crying, because i knew -- i knew in so many ways how to hurt you.

and i did. and no one won. except i found an old friend that i missed.

goodbye rick.

all of this makes me sad and angry and defeated and i feel like i won if only in small victories. and we lost so much. for nothing.

so fucking petty and careless.

but i guess i gotta smile in front of you till i mean it.
Mood: abused

isobel this -- this is how i truly feel Feb 15th, 2005 4:05:07 am - Subscribe
well i know a few things -- one the reason why i'm sick is because i've been neglecting what's been going on inside of me rather than around me. i haven't slept because i don't want to deal with the dreaming aspect inside of me -- i let it out bit by bit, which is good.

things are changing -- i can't be fearful of that and for once i truly am doing everything by myself. i just need to keep checks every once in a while. (remember in girl interrupted, someone came in and said "checks" -- that's what i need to do, soemone to say that their proud of you every so often.)

its different, i'm very very set & determined to get my life in order and anyone else's drama comes second to my well being rather than what's been happenning in the past.

people won't be used to it and won't understand what i'm doing -- but for the most part i've prepared others for the inevitable change -- the only person i haven't given full warning is myself. and it shocks me how startlingly calm i am.

even after all those memories came back after sha told me her grandpa passed - although the situations are different, occasionally i come back and circle.

the thing is and what i've realized is that once things start picking up, i start picking up someone else's pieces up and i can't let that happen again -- i can stand back and help whomever it is from a distance and give my perspective no matter how hard it is -- w/o being inside of it.

it's refreshing and startling and horrifying -- all of it is -- but i LIKE it. i like that i'm taking care of my shit instead of taking care of someone else's chaos.

i like that i'm becoming stronger and all the feebleness inside of me is evaporating and i can see clearly how destructive certain people are in my life.

and how clear and focused my goals are, no matter how vapid they seem -- for once i'm starting to live my life for myself -- and take no consideration to weakness around me.

i have no sympathy anymore.
and i want to be around people that are striving and growing and fetching things that are around them rather than talking about it.

if you're going to go balls deep, then drown -- at least you're not a pussy for not trying, i say.
Mood: neutral