i just saw photos of my mother's hometown through a caucasian man's eyes. i'm not sure how i feel about that. especially when he corrects me about how to properly say her hometown.
but it is as expected, the phillipines is beautiful, rundown archaic and a 3rd world country, and in photographs i can see my mother's stories slide from her tongue and how i used to listen about how she swam and went to the markets.
i want to go to the philippines w/my family before they become to old to go, or rather, come back. because it seems sad that i can never fully 100% connect w/that part of my life -- simply because it was so closed off to me.
and everything is SO green.
and you can go cliff diving.
and they have mcdonald's there now.
and it looks like a run down florida -- so pieces fit in.
i still don't know how i feel about that, little bit of jealousy, anger, and sadness -- only because the strong arm of the muntant is this -- he's been there, I have not -- he's probably absentmindedly hung out w/my relatives -- i have not.
and i realized one more thing to add on my list of things to do before i die: go to the phillipines.
i have a Crush. (capital C).
a crush so irrelevent that it makes my tummy go ZiIng! each time i think about it. and i wanna hang out w/him and get to know him and all of those stupid things and i flick my hair and i feel nervous and all of that stuff.
i haven't felt this way in a while.
|"I thought I was your destination," she told me. "Looks like I was just another stop on the line."|
I don't think it's possible anymore for me to fall in love. I've stopped looking for it. I don't think I ever will fall in love. I honestly have no idea what I want -- I know what I don't want, I keep finding what i used to want -- what i am normally attracted to, but not now.
I haven't been looking -- more or less when I go out, I go out to be with my friends, to go out dancing, to have a ball -- to be an asshole, to introduce someone awesome into something that needs their signature all over it.
my goal is to introduce every being i meet to something that needs their touch in it.
i'm happy w/myself -- i have a lot of friends who are women -- which is odd right now, i'm ususally surrounded by guys.
tori's new album is out.
ma's not doing to well ever since she's had a kid.
i gotta get it.