this -- this is how i truly feel
Date: Feb 15th, 2005 4:05:07 am - Subscribe
Mood: neutral


well i know a few things -- one the reason why i'm sick is because i've been neglecting what's been going on inside of me rather than around me. i haven't slept because i don't want to deal with the dreaming aspect inside of me -- i let it out bit by bit, which is good.

things are changing -- i can't be fearful of that and for once i truly am doing everything by myself. i just need to keep checks every once in a while. (remember in girl interrupted, someone came in and said "checks" -- that's what i need to do, soemone to say that their proud of you every so often.)

its different, i'm very very set & determined to get my life in order and anyone else's drama comes second to my well being rather than what's been happenning in the past.

people won't be used to it and won't understand what i'm doing -- but for the most part i've prepared others for the inevitable change -- the only person i haven't given full warning is myself. and it shocks me how startlingly calm i am.

even after all those memories came back after sha told me her grandpa passed - although the situations are different, occasionally i come back and circle.

the thing is and what i've realized is that once things start picking up, i start picking up someone else's pieces up and i can't let that happen again -- i can stand back and help whomever it is from a distance and give my perspective no matter how hard it is -- w/o being inside of it.

it's refreshing and startling and horrifying -- all of it is -- but i LIKE it. i like that i'm taking care of my shit instead of taking care of someone else's chaos.

i like that i'm becoming stronger and all the feebleness inside of me is evaporating and i can see clearly how destructive certain people are in my life.

and how clear and focused my goals are, no matter how vapid they seem -- for once i'm starting to live my life for myself -- and take no consideration to weakness around me.

i have no sympathy anymore.
and i want to be around people that are striving and growing and fetching things that are around them rather than talking about it.

if you're going to go balls deep, then drown -- at least you're not a pussy for not trying, i say.
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I will disembowel you with my middle finger.
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