same thing, different sadness
Date: Feb 15th, 2005 2:49:43 am - Subscribe
Mood: abused

i miss r. is this wrong? considering we both didn't get the job? and i know he's moved?

40-46 days.

i just flipped a switch, got sad for a few days, announced to everyone that my heart's broken and poof -- kept myself busy. not w/other boys or one specific boy, people of the same gender, working on myself, changing my look -- reading, working on my (he)art -- everything i could do to keep my mind off of things. now? every So Often it creeps. and i speak of it. and i let it go -- and now i speak of him w/o animosity and wish him well. i hope he is.

it was killed in order to save my own heart.
and in the process i killed us.
it was killed to save my dignity,
and in the process i killed us.
every once in a while i feel guilty
then i realize i'm standing outside of something bigger than what I was.

goodbye, we've been friends for 4 years only within 45 days to be gone.

my friend is dead and this being is replaced
who is cold and calculating
and full of hate
my heart is dead and this ice in its place
slick and glassy staring @ its reflection
worth nothing w/o someone else to look @ it

and i've found several thousand people who remind me of you,
and i see things that remind me of you
and i know you've pushed me back
sitting next to owen

no wonder turned into a stripper
she had everything she wanted in front of her
and you did too
but you can't grow up -- want someone to take care of you and you take care of them

she had everything But,
and no matter what you say,
it was love.

and she found it somewhere else.

well, i'm not that predictable and my body's not that great.

but i'll turn my sadness into anger
into destruction into construction
and admit, i loved you, i loved you so much
i fell flat on my face in anger and resentment
because i knew we were dead the moment i placed you in the spotlight
focused the attention away from the audience and on you...

and we stood and you got angry at my crying, because i knew -- i knew in so many ways how to hurt you.

and i did. and no one won. except i found an old friend that i missed.

goodbye rick.

all of this makes me sad and angry and defeated and i feel like i won if only in small victories. and we lost so much. for nothing.

so fucking petty and careless.

but i guess i gotta smile in front of you till i mean it.
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I will disembowel you with my middle finger.
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