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I am looking after my sister’s daughters for two nights, Natalie and Victoria. Today Natalie is seventeen years old. Her birthday is April 1st, which is the same day my mum went missing in 1982. We assume April 1st is also the day my mum died, we don’t know the true date, we can only assume as her killer denied all knowledge of the incident and he himself is now dead. My mum was a true April fool, believing in a man who had beat her up before and yet she went for a river walk with him that spring night 24 years ago and was found dead floating in the water three days later. So I put all of that angst aside and took Natalie out for lunch before I got ready to gig at Jongleurs Glasgow tonight. The gigs are going well and I am surprised how well the audiences are coping with the smoking ban…they did disappear at the break and they all stood outside and had a quick fag before returning to the second half. When I came home, husband lifted up the back of my hair as he hugged me, he put his nose into the back of my neck and said “You smell really clean!” I did and it feels great! |
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I have a man who emails me called Keith who likes pain. I have no problem with this as I don’t know him, and don’t cause him pain…but he wants to be my slave. Now I have considered letting him clean my home and then hitting him with sticks, but I get the feeling sex may be involved. My daughter Ashley is desperate for him to come here, she says he can clean her awful room and she will kick the shit out of him and she really doesn’t care how sexual that is…he is cleaning her room for free! I have no idea how people got to associate sex with pain, but I suppose if you were a soldier or a spy it would be a good thing eh? Imagine getting electrodes inserted into your penis, that’s hardly a torture if it’s what turns you on? I personally hate pain; certainly not anywhere near sex either, if he doesn’t take the weight on his elbows I am in a strop! So I am now into day three of not smoking and pain is suddenly looking attractive, I mean I could easily punch husband on the head if he irritates me one more time. I am determined to stay off the fags, as I cannot cope with standing outside smoking…in the cold…trying to have a quick fag? That’s not good. I am slowly getting together the ideas for our Edinburgh posters, I am stressed out and until they are all approved and sorted I won’t sleep. It is driving me mad, as I have to get the venue to approve them, then get all the different sizes organised for brochures/flyers/posters and adverts. I wish I worked in a canning factory now, I wish my life was simple; I went to work, came home and bought pizza. I didn’t have to organise travel, hotels or rehearse shows. But then I suppose I would be boring and Keith the S&M freak wouldn’t send me such scary emails. |
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Yes who would have thought this subject would come up again, but get this. Stressed out as I am, I finally fell asleep this morning at 4am. I was in one of those deep happy warm sleeps, when I am woke up because my mental husband got out of bed, came back in, saw my ass sticking out of the covers and decided ‘out of the blue’ to smack me really hard! Yes….I was awoken by a random act of violence. My heart leapt out of my mouth, red rage seethed and I turned round to see him standing there smiling, so I jumped up and punched him right in the abdomen….see I can be sexy too! I actually wanted to kill him, he was stunned that I was annoyed…why wouldn’t I be? I have just been attacked whilst I was asleep. “I was trying to be funny and you looked sexy lying there” he gasped in between clutching his winded stomach. “No, that wasn’t sexy, that was assault, you fucking nutter” I screamed at him rubbing a big red hand print on my fat ass. So there we have it, I do NOT like sex and pain…finally. I am still in the process of getting my posters designed and feel that no one actually gets what I am saying; the lady just looks at me as if I am crazy when I describe what I want on the screen. So I guess it’s me that fucked today and not anyone else. Went out for dinner tonight with Jay, a mate from London, he is in Glasgow as he manages a top comic (He who shall not be named) and we had a good old natter, Jay is solid fun. I am of to Cardiff this weekend and next week I am in London for six days. I am gigging and working on BBC radio 4 Loose Ends. I can’t wait to get back to London, away from the smacking husband and the stressful posters. |
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I was so exhausted this morning; I never really slept last night. I have been worried sick about getting everything done and organised for Edinburgh. Yet it seems the more I stress the less actually gets fucking done! What is wrong with me? At least I am off the fags and that can only be a good thing but I suspect coming off the nicotine is actually really hard this time. Ashley is being ‘Hormonal Hannah’ this week, she snaps easily, you mustn’t even look at her the wrong way or you get serious verbal lashings from the prettiest face and loveliest mouth. So this morning I got up and got ready to go down to Scotstoun where Ashley and I were doing our sketches and having them filmed for a TV company to have a look at. We have never performed them in front of anyone before; this is the first time anyone has seen them live. We were both nervous tired and hormonal. The problem is Ashley makes me laugh just by one look, honestly she can stand there, lift one eyebrow and I am in stitches laughing my ass off. We welcomed the guy who was setting up a huge camera and helped the woman unload the big sound stick that was to hover over our heads. Ashley and I adlibbed a lot of the scenes and we both were scared to look at the people in case no one had smiled, you see we don’t really know if the public will laugh at what we perceive to be funny, but our fears were unfound as the guys were chortling away as the worked around us with the camera and sound equipment. It gave us both a bit more confidence and Ashley is a great physical actor, her strange walk and mad faces were coming thick and fast, she really does respond to an audience and I cannot wait to go on stage at Edinburgh to do our sketch show. So bird flu has arrived in Scotland, a swan died of the virulent killer strain and we are now all scared birds are going to fucking kill us! I saw a dead pigeon today and my heart raced, I had to jump over it as I went to the shops. It made me recall how last year at Edinburgh Festival there were loads of dead birds all around the area we were staying; I thought the local squirrels had hand guns and a vendetta against the grey birds of Edinburgh! So I have no idea if we are all about to perish, meanwhile I am still laughing at my very funny daughter. By the way my blog went live again and you can see the latest instalment on http://livedigital.com/AOrOBgA5Gw/content/138307/ |
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This city is strange but nice, it has a castle, it has a river, and it has a lovely exhibition centre but no internet. I have walked up and down the streets asking people if there are any internet shops....yet no...So I wander into this really funky organic looking cafe and ask the man if they had internet. He explained that they have wi-fi but alas I didn’t have my pc with me, just then a big guy standing beside me offered to let me use his PC. He was tall, had a pony tail, hippy looking dress sense and a strange accent, so I said "Thanks!". So I have a new friend, he is a computer expert and is from Bulgaria, he let me sit and write this blog, so therefore he is KING! He explained he doesn't use Windows or anything Microsoft or Apple as he has his own programme, he says those people from Microsoft are the DEVIL and Mac aren’t much better....cool! I checked into the hotel yesterday really early as my flight from Glasgow was at 9am, so I begged to get into my room early. The girl on reception refused, so I burst into tears! The hotel is called The Big Sleep which is actually a big fat lie, my room overlooks a railway line and trains go past loudly every fucking ten minutes. Husband has been annoying, after being married 25 years, we have a code, a language that only we know and we use by noting each others tone and double meaning behind every loaded statement we make to each other. Yet lately he has been really nice and helpful and I meanwhile have been talking in our well honed 'nasty code' and he has never risen to the bait...has he forgot our 'code'? I can’t have him being nice and saying things like "Janey what is it you really want to say? Are you upset about something?" So I say "What do you think?" (In code that means yes you cunt I am upset now guess why) So I am scared he has forgotten how to argue with me....how strange would that be? Lying in the hotel in Cardiff, trying to work out what way to argue and rile my husband is not a good way to spend the night. By the way Cardiff Jongleurs has a really echo-y microphone and sound system...so strange but the shows have been cool. Speak Soon |