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The gig was nice last night at Nottingham Jongleurs, but as MC I felt I could have done better, that middle bit where the first act comes off and I am preparing to put the second act on, is notoriously difficult as people are moving around and going to the loo and food is being cleared...its a fucking nightmare and sometimes you feel like a supply teacher standing there trying to get their attention. It’s my fault and I should be able to get their attention...last night I felt I couldn’t get them all together. So this morning after spending a whole night worrying that maybe I am shite at everything (the other comics assured me that it is always like that and the gig was fine and I am being too hard on myself, but I never blame an audience I always blame the comic/MC for not having enough stage presence to hold them)...anyway after that and suffering that fucked up nasty teeth bleaching shit I have on my choppers that make my teeth sore all day, I woke up to period pains! Yahooooo I love being a woman with dull teeth and a cluster bomb for a womb. I have realised that my whole body is fucked up...my hair is going white where it should be brown, my teeth are going brown when they should be white, my underarm hair is PITCH black...yet my pubes are going beige????? Why can’t my underarm hair go white??? It’s like my body is out of 'toner'...I am a faulty printer! Tonight the club is sold out...over 400 people, am looking forward to getting on stage. |
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The gig went great last night, I am so glad I finally got over that wee moment that scared me. The club was heaving and the crowd were amazing. That made me happy. The apartment we stayed in was lovely; except the bedroom was quite small and when the curtains were shut the place was in complete utter darkness. Now I like that except when I came in from the loo at 4am, and I fingered my way back round the bed, stepping precariously over my shoes and luggage on the floor and then threw myself onto the bed " I cracked my head right off the convex wooden fancy headboard. I thought I had broken my fucking neck, husband woke up as I screamed “What did you do?” he asked me, as If I normally make that kind of noise in the middle of the night for fun! “I couldn’t work out how long the bed was and then I managed to batter my head off the headboard” I squealed. “Stop it will you? I am trying to sleep Janey” He muttered. What did he think I was doing? Beating out a drum tune with my skull? I cannot believe he said that, this from a man who farted so loudly it made a screaming noise that reverberated off the thin tight walls that I thought a seagull was being battered to death by wooden spoon…the noise was awful and it woke me up! All this from a man whose penis wakes up at 5am and decides to make a play for my sleeping body, despite being told for the past 25 years not to.. As he gets aroused in the middle of the night, his brain must shout to his penis- “Don’t, don’t wake her, she gets mad when you wake her, trust me I remember this shit….don’t do it, she gets all shouty and sometimes grabby, you are on your own dude…don’t wake her if you know what’s good for you” Meanwhile his penis shouts to the brain- “I am telling you she loves me waking her up, she loves nothing more than me nudging her awake” His brain answers-“NO…she turns into a fucking wolverine….I am the brain I remember this stuff…don’t fucking wake her up for sex, I swear it will end in tears” Then his penis does wake me, I turn…sit up, and shout into my husbands face “What have I fucking told you about trying to wake me at 5am? I am going to stamp on your cock!” Then I go back to sleep. The brain whispers “Told you, see… you got us into this and tomorrow she will fucking stomping about the flat in a bad mood and not make dinner and be snappy all day coz you don’t ever listen” Penis answers-“I am sorry, I thought she would like it…she used to like that” Brain-“Yes…when she was nineteen years old, fucksake man she is nearly 45, when are you going to learn?” He probably won’t ever learn until I actually stamp on his cock…I hope my step mum is not reading this, if you are PLEASE don’t! Here is some nice stuff…. On the way home today we stopped off at Barnard Market town near Scotch Corner, it’s a wee picturesque town with a big castle ruins. They views were amazing, you can see them on http://uk.photos.yahoo.com/janeygodley/ You can see them under Nottingham and Barnard, some nice pics. I am off to London tomorrow, so I will be in touch soon. |
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Cannot believe I was in Nottingham and Glasgow and London all within two days! The flight was amazingly quick after the last debacle when BA had us sit on the flight in December for three hours before it actually took off. I am back in the luxury of Westminster, I so love this flat, the only problem is my husband is not here. So I got in had a sleep and got up to get ready for the Aristocrats Movie DVD launch tonight. Now don’t be confused by the lovely Disney cat cartoon, this is an amazing documentary covering a whole bunch of the most famous comics in the world telling the dirtiest joke ever! You must see this…its just fucking funny as fuck. So now I am home and you can tell my husband is not here, there is nothing to eat and nothing to drink, coz I didn’t bother going to the shops earlier and Westminster does not have late night shops, they have servants. My servant is in Glasgow. Talk tomorrow. |
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I was onstage tonight at a special gig, where Random/Ebury had invited all the major booksellers along to meet the authors. The gig was at a London comedy club where I normally perform, so it was cool for me. I was worried though as I imagined in my head that I needed to get these people to get the essence of me being a comic yet having written quite a moving sad book about my difficult past, so they could sell it on to the public and that would be hard. There were also really famous comics and media people there and I was second on. Mark Thomas, Rhona Cameron, Julian Clary and Pierce Morgan were standing around, I was getting nervous. As soon as I hit the stage and took the mic it all went great, I managed to make them laugh and understand what the book was about. Afterwards nice people who loved my bit came up and chatted about how they would be interested in having me come to their store to do signings and events. I was so happy it worked, as soon as I relaxed and chatted with people, I ended up talking to this slim well spoken guy who was telling me how much he laughed at my stuff, so I told him a big story about how my daughter went on stage last year at the fringe and told everyone that I had grey pubes! He laughed aloud and we joked more and I got a wee bit more outrageous and told him some of the ‘can’t be printed illegal’ tales of the crooks I knew in my pub. He told me he had written a cook book for Ebury, I asked his name and he told me Tom. I liked him he was funny, it wasn’t till later I found out he is Prince Charles’s step son " he is Camilla Parker Bowles’s son Tom! Holy Fuck I had told the Heir to our Nations Throne’s stepson a joke about my minge. Oh well…the other good news is my article that I wrote for London’s Time Out magazine came out today and it looks awesome! |
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Yes, I know what a title! I was in Soho last night meeting Noel (comedy promoter and friend) outside the Groucho club in Dean Street. As I was waiting, a big armoured Limo drew up at the kerb and out came Allen Carr and Justin (two comics who have a TV show currently) I know Allen quite well and he said “Hello Janey” I smiled back and said “hi” they were joined by Christian Slater who was taking part in some sketch for their TV show. Anyway, the camera crew were all around and as I tried to get out of their way and pass them big cars started rearing up on the pavement, there were wires and big bulky camera’s and people and I couldn’t get through them. “Can you move please” said the burly camera man. I was trying to get out of the wee circle they had created, I understand television and the precarious nature of doing shots in a street, but the street is so narrow and cars and taxis were almost on top of us and the only way for me to get out of the shot was to walk on the road. I stepped onto the road and a big fuck off van blasted its horn and almost squashed me, so I hopped into the pavement again. “You are still in the shot darling” the patient camera man said. “I am sorry; I know what you are saying but fucksake man I am not dying under a van for the show!” I blurted out as I was now ducking and practically crawling under Christian Slater’s legs to get to the back of the pavement, “I don’t want to fuck up your camera work, but I don’t want to die on the streets of Soho” They laughed and waited till I was safely past them, Allen gave me a wave and I was off. What they don’t know is I am notoriously bad at crossing roads and really scared of the traffic; I have been hit by cars around 5 times in my life. Once I was so badly hurt when I was nine, it took almost a year to walk again properly and I do still limp sometimes. On that occasion I was wearing my brownie uniform and going to the club to attempt to gain my Road safety badge! The irony still hurts! |