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I haven’t written a blog in ages. I am sorry, been upside down and round about. Last week Ashley and I were in London as the Groucho Club and my mate Monica got together and threw me a belated 50th Birthday party. Personally I hate birthday parties but this one was stunning, a few faces from my past and pals from my present turned up- I was so touched. Ashley even got gifts she got a Chopard watch and I got a fancy Louis Vittion Scarf, smashing Penhaligon candle, a stunning funny holy pepper mill and an awesome cupcake from Harvey Nichols. There were lots of other gifts, but my brain is dead and I felt like fraud as my birthday was back in January and this belated party was in June. Oh and the Groucho gave me the most amazing big chocolate cake! It was delish. Staying in Soho is always exciting, I still giggle thinking about discussing babies and motherhood with the man who played James Bond; I get flushes recalling sitting beside Noel Gallagher and trying to be cool as ice, and meeting up with Sadie the Scottish homeless woman who always gives me the latest news and a pet at her dog Speedy! I love Soho. Things have been good. The comedy world is heating up for the Edinburgh Fringe and as you all know I am not going this year, I just feel the fringe has lost something important and I don’t like it as much as I used to. It’s all about comedians off the TV and nothing to do with the spirit of performing. I am going to Vancouver in July and Soho theatre in August and have some projects lined up. I do hope all my pals going to fringe this year enjoy themselves as much as I used to. If you are going to fringe or have an interest I have compiled a top tips for people to check out, I have done over ten years and 14 shows at fringe. Top tips for doing an Edinburgh Fringe show. Don’t for a minute assume anyone is going to come to the show unless you are on TV on a weekly basis, so get the best poster you can afford. Make firm EYE contact on poster, make sure the TITLE/YOUR NAME is easy to read and that the VENUE and TIME are not obscured, people won’t waste time looking for it. Always get your flyering team to come see the show, so they can chat about it to audiences, they MUST be able to point in the direction of the venue or have street knowledge of how to get there on foot. If you don’t have a team make sure you know the lay of the land. Get front of house staff in venue aware of your name and where you show is inside venue, so when people walk up they can give right information. There is nothing worse than staff saying “I don’t know that show or where it is” Rent a flat and stay near to the venue as you will be in town all day either flyering and networking or out late, if you have to get a bus or taxi home every night you bump up the budget. Pay the extra cash to be close and expect to pay £3k for a decent 2 bedroom flat with wi/fi parking in Edinburgh. Watch for other companies giving away free tickets to their otherwise paid show right outside the box office of your venue. That can sorely affect sales and can be dealt with verbally with venue manager if he they can’t solve it harass people who take free tickets by shouting “how shit is their show they have to give away free tickets?” you won’t make friends but the people who can’t sell tickets will move on with their shit free show and decide next year to do the awesome free fringe or free festival and stop standing outside paid venues with free tickets. Check the Edfringe box office on the High street, flyer the crowd by talking to them but be mindful of other performers up there, again out shout free ticket papering shows, they only undermine the £3k you paid for the flat. Check that staff at Fringe box office in High street knows you, make sure when YOUR show has sold its allocation with Fringe Box office that THEY remind people tickets will/may be available at the venue. Tell the fringe queue this as well at intermittent times. Check out the half price hut and use that mid week to get people into your show. You might feel cheap but trust me you will see big names up there on that hut and see big comics who pretend they didn’t know their producer did that! Pay a flyering team decent cash and look after them; they are out there in the rain/wind/rain/sun/rain of Edinburgh telling people about your show. If you under pay them or piss them off they will throw your flyers in a bin and take your money anyway. Always make up sandwiches and keep them in a bag in your bag AS eating out in Edinburgh is expensive. A sarnie can save you £10 a day in food! Go see other shows, use this time to see everything you can and get onto every single chat show, variety show that you can. Press is always going to be an issue, unless you are off the telly, so either pull a huge publicity stunt like killing a real dog near Grey Friars Bobby statue or just do a really good show that get reviewers talking. Don’t get drunk and scream at TV producers about your show and how they put shit on TV, but always and I mean always watch other comics doing that, it’s the height of hilarity and worth even videoing on your iphone. Ignore comics who can’t wait to tell you that their shows have sold out AGAIN! And about their latest TV pilot and how they had lunch with Kenton Allen or how JK Rowling comes to see their show every night, it’s all shit, concentrate on your show and do the best you can. Don’t get worried about the comedy awards especially if you are female or Scottish, it won’t happen, and remember that the sponsors need people already on TV to make their award seem fashionable and a few ‘upbeat’ and ‘quirky’ people in funny ill fitting jumpers who have a niche following. If you don’t wear funny jumpers or have a haircut that looks like a special person with wooden spoons cut it or you are not middle class with facial hair, you are fucked. You won’t get an award. Don’t be fooled by spending £3k on a PR person, the great odd thing about PR is there is NO GUARANTEE they can get you PR that’s in their contract. Use twitter and Facebook, it’s the way forward. Always and always be nice to the press people in your venue, they work for shit all cash and the venue will charge you £800/1500 nominal fee to do nominal press work, if they like you they will help. Be nice to the venue ticket staff, they will recall your name and when asked to recommend and show, they will. Be cool with the tech staff, they work for buttons and can flick a light if you fuck them off. Draw moustaches and generally defile big giant posters of other comics, they have a sense of humour don’t they? Make sure you do the same to your own poster or you will get caught. So there we have it, a wee sneaky peek at my ideas for the fringe, hope it helped. By the way I know you all like a good book recommend, if you like comedy get Sit Down Comedy edited by John Fleming now available in Kindle just Google it and check it out. So having done my duty as adviser to the fringe and done my book report for this week, I feel as if I have done my blog now and hope I haven’t disappointed everyone with blathering on. |
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WHY is it that when one appliance in my home packs in, the rest of the house joins in? Just before I flew to London last week, my entire home in Glasgow went into meltdown and began a systematic assault on me. The dial that controls my washing machine decided it had been twisted enough in its lifespan and fell off in pieces. On hearing this tragic news, the electrical element in my storage heater threw a hissy fit, blew a fuse and refused to heat the living-room. I ran to the wardrobe to pull out a cardigan and the mirror doors jammed in a sock that lay itself on the runners like a crumpled soul, so then the door came off and clattered on top of me. This horrifying news about the suicidal sock got spread to the bathroom by means that I am not entirely sure of, and the toilet pan seat slammed itself down in anger and broke in half. The shower head (which hates to be left out of any drama) decided to pack up and started spraying water in all directions like a deformed penis. The last toilet roll got soaked in the process and dripped sadly on to the carpet. The roller blind in the bathroom came out in sympathy and fell off the window and hit my glass jar that sat sleepily on the ledge. The glass jar didn't take the assault well and broke into six pieces. The hallway must have felt very bereft, as it had housed the glass jar in the past, so its grief made the clothes rail in the hall-entry pop a few pegs and all the coats got jammed behind the cupboard door. The noise resonated throughout the flat, and the coats looked like dead people in heap. At that point, the lock on the outside door made a terrifying noise as a key was inserted into its hole. The lock cried "rape" – it broke and jammed half a key inside its dark belly, refusing to give it up. If this wasn't enough, a scented candle on my window ledge hissed oddly, let the wind pick it up and tossed it out of my top-floor bedroom window, taking a tub of talcum with it, and smashed dangerously on to the car park beneath, scaring the wee boys who smoke out the back court. The mixture of melted splattered blue wax and white talcum looked intriguingly artistic. Fifty more yards into the West End and that would have been a community art installation and a European grant would have secured the site. Despite its potential as a future Turner Prize winner, I had to go down and clean it up. The broom took one look at the situation and promptly lost its head. The broom can be temperamental and has been known to be incredibly idle in the past. It houses a family of spiders and takes pride in not disturbing them. The fridge in the kitchen (which has always been a known self-harmer) managed to break its plastic door shelf and blew a light, just for attention. The oven ignored the cry to arms and stoically radiated heat from its fan, but then got too excited, overdid itself and blew the thermostat. We had to eat cold lasagne, because the microwave is working on a defrost-only basis since I ignored the constipated noise it was making at Christmas. It has been trying hard to get some attention, but I declared it cheap and stupidly said aloud one day: "We can buy another one for thirty quid." On hearing this, the microwave gave up trying to please me. It felt cheapened and dirty. On realising there was a domestic appliance revolt on my hands, I quickly ran to the sink and shoved bleach down the plughole, as it is usually the prime dissident in the ranks. I caught it just in time, as it was slowly attempting to choke itself on rice crispies and red kidney beans, but I force-fed it hot water through a funnel and it relented. For now. But I know that it's planning a second assault and is patiently waiting on thick porridge oats coming down to help it out. The rest of the flat stayed quiet. I was too scared to open a door in case it slammed back and jammed my fingers. (originally written for and published in Scotsman newspaper) |
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There comes a time when you realise you are old and that time comes when you moan about pop stars who get their vag out for a song on the telly. Ok, maybe getting their VAG out was a bit of a stretch and we are in the throes of a sexual revolution regards the UK trying to stop the sexualisation of kids, but some pop songs are very dirty aren’t they? When I was young that sort of imagery was porn, watching young people grind their crotches together and consistently flashing their pubes through sheer underwear...was shocking, now it’s normal. I am not a prude- I once had a dirty snog up an alley and almost frightened a family of stray cats- and I do hate any kind of censorship as the freedom of speech is at the very heart of what being a comedian is, but should Nicole Scherzinger really have been on Britain’s Got Talent singing in some odd patois accent “I like it when me man go down down” and points at her vag as she thrusts it full force at screen? My eight year old niece was trying to gyrate like her as this was going on, much to the horror of her mum who switched over quickly and they all missed the end of Britain’s Got Talent final. I know Madonna way back in the day got her nips out and snogged a black Jesus and upset lots of Middle American people and I was there when Frankie went to Hollywood and told us when to ‘come’ it all seems somehow tame when you have Rhianna in an S&M outfit with SLUT on the butt as she sings about being fucked and punched on a music channel during daytime. My real issue lies with adult women (well ...mothers to be precise) who buy their wee seven year old daughters a padded bra and some pink thongs to wear to a ‘girlie party’. I am hoping its mothers who buy this shit, because if it is fathers...then that’s odd. Anyway, what woman thinks it’s ok to make their tiny child look ‘dirty sexy?’ Ashley still bemoans the fact I made her wear a ‘cotton rich frock covered in fruits of the forest berries printed all over it with a white Peter Pan Collar and knee length frilled hem’ to her 12 year old disco at Laurel Park School and she has never forgotten the denim dungaree outfit with white cotton shirt set that made her an object of fun at summer camp. I didn’t want her wearing a bra until she positively HAD TO and as for sexualised clothing, her dad almost wept when he deposited her at the disco door in the fruits of the forest dress when he saw some of her class mates in midriff lycra and high heeled boots over a tiny mini skirt. He wanted to vomit as the wee girls shook their bums and flirted with bigger boys outside the venue, Ashley wanted to cry knowing she looked like Little House on the Prairie girl in her flat shoes and berry red hair clips. Nobody wins the fight of the pre teen girl, but it’s up to parents to use good common sense. I believe traumatising them in horrid red berry cotton prints usually stops them getting a peacock sense of sexual behaviour and prevents early ‘boyfriend syndrome’ ...it works! Ask Ashley, nobody can preen and be flirty in a knee length frock covered in raspberries. On a serious note, we don’t want to believe that how you dress incites sexual assault and it really doesn’t --despite some small minded wankers who insist that it does. But it’s not about that, it’s about letting girls grow up and the rate they need to, I know there are some twelve year old girls who can get away with a more mature sense of fashion but that still doesn’t include a padded bra and some diamante thongs on show with a latex mini dress. Mums and dads need to show a bit more savvy when dressing their kids, I can’t speak about boys clothing as I have never dressed a son and am sure they have their own issues, but really a padded plunge cleavage bra for a seven year old girl? I don’t think so. So, pop stars need to rethink their masturbatory habits on tea time telly and parents need to be more responsible when wondering if their pre teen daughters need a boob lift bra. |