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What day is it? I have the cold BACK with a vengeance, I woke up today with a big spot inside my nose and my head feels like a fucking evil squirrel lives there and is trying pick its way out with a toffee hammer. Why? We got the new quilt today and I am not sure I like it and throwing out my old one was sadder than normal…I am mental? Maybe. Ashley and I are writing some sketches for BBC and the fun we are having is way too much, husband sat there listening to us both whilst tutting as some of the sketches bordered on totally politically incorrectness and plain evilness…well they did want them dark. Ashley’s funny voices and character role play makes me laugh till my nose spot bleeds. She really is truly mental and funny, fuck I am glad she has my humour and his height. I am off to London on Monday to do the photo shoot for Red Magazine and I am hoping, spotty-ness and fatness can disappear over a weekend. Is it just me or is the television deluged by adverts for anti wrinkle skin cream? I am a wrinkly old whore and cannot shift any of them and each day brings more and more to the canvas of my fat face. So I will be fat spotty woman in the magazine, I also got the brochure for the Merchant City Festival where I am performing my one woman show and they have me billed as JANE GODLEY…the fucking name police hate Janey and keep dropping the Y…why? Saw on the Scottish news that Lord Watson has been charged with setting fire to curtains in a hotel and his political career is OVER. I remember when I used to give him the shops next door to my pub back in the 80’s as his Labour Party Head quarters; maybe his stay in Glasgow’s Calton district turned him into a fire starter? What the fuck makes a man in some sort of power set fire to a hotel? He was caught on camera doing it!! I watched with horror at the news, all those poor people in New Orleans struggling under all that water, dead people floating about and children starving and dying slowly under dehydration and burning sunshine. I sat there listening to that fuckwit Bush complaining about the looters, he actually mentioned people were stealing gas at the gas pumps. Maybe he will kill them for oil as well. I mean for fucks sake, if my child was dying of starvation I would break into any shop to get her water and food. I am sure there are people robbing a few shops, but where the fucks are they going to sell those goods? Come on they are looting shops for dry clothes and water, medication and food. I watched the news and was appalled to hear that before the hurricane came the buses provided to take people from the city were CHARGING the folks…these are poor people. I cannot be the only person who assumes that Bush would be happy that the poor die and the city needs rebuilding, how much would that generate an economy? Ok rant over, I am off to stab my BUSH doll in the eye with a blunt stick. |
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Flies and Fun… Went to see my favourite wee baby niece Abi, she is two years old and chats like you can’t believe. Her mum and I were laughing at something and the baby came running in, pointed straight at me and shouted “You are not funny”, it was the most hilarious thing I have ever seen. All day I kept making her say it to me and she would stand and shout it over and over again. Made me laugh my ass off, then a big dragonfly came flapping into the room and she loves spiders and insects, so we caught it and let her look at it in detail before we released it out the window, just then a manky fly came in and Abi shouted “Oh look! A fly, how cute!” So then we had to explain how SOME flying creepy crawlies are nice but flies are EVIL and lick dog poo! Today in the tenth anniversary of my first ever paid comedy gig! I can’t believe it is that long since my first PAID gig! It was at Billy Bonkers club and tomorrow I am back there doing an extended set. Just a quick note, I am trying to contact Nick Collett, a mate of mine who left his details and I promptly lost, if he is reading this blog, please email me again as I cannot find your email address anywhere! Also a quick shout out to all the blog readers in Canada and South Africa who check this blog daily! Thanks guys, it makes me smile knowing there are people sitting in a different environment and climate smiling at Glasgow stories! Anyone who wishes to receive a monthly newsletter updating any gigs, short stories or TV/Radio appearances please add a comment to my guest book leaving your email address. Be sure that you will NOT receive any junk mail nor will I EVER sell these precious names to any shit junk company wishing to exploit your privacy. Click on http://pub40.bravenet.com/guestbook/3429744534 |
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1980 and White Weddings The gig at Billy Bonkers went great, I decided not to do my show and let the audience decide by suggestion how the gig should go and they gave me such diverse subjects as ‘My life as a cornflake’ and ‘Russian Seamen’. I managed both, ok it was nerve wracking but good to keep me on my toes. It was a nice ten year anniversary gig for me, but if I thought ten years ago I would be stood on that stage taking audience opinions on the show, I would probably never have carried on as a comic. Can’t quite believe how far it’s all come. I am also 25 years married this month! So to celebrate that I went into my 1980 diary for an excerpt to see how weird time and life have taken me, so here goes… September 6th 1980. Am really annoyed at him, I have no say over who comes to this fucking shitty wedding. His family have already chosen that we have the reception at the shite Palaceum bar. It’s his dad’s pub and big deal it will save fucking money, why do we have to go there? My dress is £58 and it was in the sale at Lady at Lord John. I hate that shop, who fucking calls a woman’s department after a man? It doesn’t even have its own name, just Lady at… and who the fuck is Lord John? But they have a sale on and he wants me to get a cheap dress so I did. Its white bri-nylon frilly thing and the woman there said I should bring my mammy into see it before I choose, but I am not going up to get her into town. So I told them my mammy was dead. That shut her up, fuck I hope that isn’t bad luck and she dies before the wedding. I picked a wee diamante tiara and white veil to wear. I wrapped it all up and stuck it in the box and put it up top the wardrobe. He told me last night that if we stay together for a year that will be a miracle, I agree. He feels like a stranger at times and being with him feels like the loneliest place in the world and I am about to marry him. This might be a mistake but I do love him and he tells me he loves me to and I do believe him, I just hope he doesn’t mind me not having kids as I hate the thought of that. I am NEVER going to have children in case the turn out like his family or mine. I made a cake today for Christmas and his aunty tells me I have keep pouring brandy into it up until Christmas week, I swear to fuck it drinks brandy like a smelly drunk. I want to be a good wife and am learning to use the pressure cooker and may start to cook better. I got new shoes today and they hurt me, I think I have one feet bigger than the other, he doesn’t know he is marrying a deformed person. That was the end of the diary entry; can you imagine that I actually BAKED years ago?? What was I thinking?? Don’t bake, buy a cake and use the time to eat chocolate and masturbate! Well 25 years later I am still here, we are still terribly mismatched and fuck knows if it will last another year but one thing is for sure, I cannot use a pressure cooker. |
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Hot hot Sunday! Wow! The weather is just so damn hot today, we melted. Ashley and I went up to my sister Ann’s home to visit, she has a big garden and we decided that was the place to sit in the sunshine. We took a couple of deck chairs, some books and cold drinks for our sunbathing escape. It was good to hang out with my big sister, she came along to the gig last night and she is a big laugher, which is great for any comedy night. Her kids are now teenagers, and the have turned into lovely big girls. One is 16 and the younger girl is 15 and Ashley loves to see her cousins. As I was sitting there in the blistering heat, I called Monica who asked me where I was, so I told her I was sun bathing, she screamed at me to get out of the sunshine as the last thing Red magazine needs is a big photo of my blistered red face! Fuck I forgot and immediately rubbed sunscreen of my fat cheeks. Also got the clip of me doing a wee bit of my set on a video clip, its part of my show at Edinburgh fringe, there is some strong language so if you are easily shocked…its going to be a bumpy night! www.janeygodley.co.uk/Videos/janeywebclip.wmv |
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Tired in London Got up early for the flight and was surprised to see a very old Aunt from my family at the airport (she is a distant relative) Auntie Sadie, she is 98 years old and very brutally honest. “You are fat, at least you can laugh about that in your comedy thing” she shouted really loudly in at check in coz she is deaf. Lovely! So here I am in dusty hot London. The flat I have rented is AWESOME…truly the best Crown lawn, are the best letting agent in the world. I have a balcony with views across Chelsea. Had dinner with Monica after I attended BAFTA preview of Brokeback Mountain-Jake Gyllenhall is juicy and was in attendance, we got to ask him questions about the movie. Thanks to all who viewed my comedy clip and sent me funny comments and good honest criticism. Love ya! More blog tomorrow, I am very old and fat. |