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I cannot seem to sleep well, this flat is amazing though...two bedrooms, ensuite toilets and power showers deluxe and I lie in that big bed and stare at the ceiling...I even have air con, yet I cannot rest well. Driving me mad, all my dreams are surreal and weird. I keep dreaming I lie there and talk to my husband and it seems so very real. I went for a good walk yesterday all around this area, and it's so lovely. The Houses of Parliament are behind my garden and the river walk is just amazing. I walked round the square where all the protestors stay, living there beneath the banners they have erected in protest to our elected Government and it seems a law is being passed to move them away as there will be no protestors allowed within a certain boundary of the Houses of Parliament, so that the MP and the PM can sit safely in the 'Big House' secure in the knowledge that when they pass that square they don’t have to look into the eyes of the defiance of the people....such shit I say. What a fucking blatant disregard to our freedom of speech. What is wrong with the 'chosen few' (who we must never chose again I say) are they too scared to see the gentle, yet powerful and peaceful words that challenge them? Do we live in state where we cannot talk about what we believe in? I may just rip off one of these expensive Egyptian cotton sheets off the bed here and write up FREEDOM OF SPEECH FOR ALL on it and set up camp in the square. Or maybe I will not bother as I am scared beasties that live in the grass or worse...RATS will come and live on me....I am good at the talking but worried about the long haul involved...so I applaud the bravery of those people who stand up for themselves in that square near Parliament and urge you all to support their right to freedom of speech. It's our rights too that are being affected. See what happened you put me near a government building and I get all political! I am getting ready for my preview show tonight at Richmond and I think I am better prepared than Friday's show. It's exciting to have a whole new HOUR to take to Edinburgh! Roll on August! |
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Well that’s the previews over and I learned so much from them it was so worthwhile doing. I now have a good idea of what i am taking to Edinburgh this year. I am back at the flat after having spent the day with Monica, she made a great lunch and we had a good walk round Chelsea. I am so exhausted, but happy. I am also looking forward to seeing some good shows at Edinburgh including my mate Noel Faulkener's show, he is a great writer/performer and I can’t wait to be entertained by him. Nothing exciting happened today that I can entertain you guys with to be honest...so I may make up a story about a talking cat...or maybe not as the case may be! Although I was chatted up today by a twelve year old boy and his two mates on big BMX bikes near the flats here, well I say chatted up... they blocked my path on the quiet street and said - "Hey old woman show us yer fanny" So I laughed and threw my head back and said "Fuck off ya wee prick or I'll burn you" and then threatened to belt him hard with my family sized bottle of Pepsi in a plastic bag. They moved so fast, despite being on clumsy big bikes, they swivelled around and pedalled off into the sunset. Good...I love bullies...bring 'em on! Little fuckers...I may live here in the posh part but I am an East Ender and I can still have 'em. Talk tomorrow! |
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So I finally get to the airport and Heathrow is heaving with holiday makers. I HATE that! I am a moany cow and a half at times. Anyway I do automatic check in with BA and proceed straight to ‘Fast Bag Drop’ as instructed. There is a big queue at the regular check in desk but ‘Fast Bag Drop’ is empty. I breeze up to the nice lady and as I drag my bag full of shoes and clothes yet again unworn (why do I wear the same old gear over and over?) I hear a big Asian man shout “Someone should tell her there is a big queue” I turn and look at him pointing at me, yet he still can’t confront me. Me-“Why don’t you grow some balls and say what you want straight to me then?” I shout back at him as I pass over my boarding card to check in my bag. Asian man (Now annoyed) - “You have jumped the queue” Me-“No I haven’t and the next time you decide to complain make sure you know you are right or you will look an ass for shouting at women, have you no respect? This is the fast bag drop that I was told to go to by that big British Airways man (I pointed to a ground staff member who put me in this queue) and stop shouting at me and pointing at me or I will get security to stop you” My Check in lady-“This woman is right, have you already checked in at the automated machine Sir?, if not then stay in that queue as indicated, stop distracting my customer when I am trying to ask serious security questions please” By now the queue behind him, who were once on his side three seconds ago, were now distancing themselves from ‘his’ embarrassing mistake! I smiled at him, well sniggered actually, he saw this and started shouting at me and called me a ‘Whore!’ At this the security men came over and took him out of the queue! Lovely day at the airport! I finally arrived in Glasgow and went outside for a coffee and a cookie. As soon as I sat down I called my mate, and as soon as I unwrapped my cookie…SEVENTEEN wee aggressive Glasgow Sparrows came hopping onto my table and tried to peck me and my cookie…it was like a fucking Hitchcock scene I kid you not! I literally could not hear my mate for the noise the birds were making…they were screeching and chirruping at me so loudly I screamed at them…nothing would deter them! They were so cocky! My pal asked me if I had decided to call him from the Amazon rainforest as he too could hear the ‘BIRDS’ cheeping in the background! My mate-“Where the fuck are you? On a David Attenborough show?” Me-“I am swamped by angry wee birds trying to get my cake…FUCK OFF YA WEE FUCKER!” was all he could hear me say. People were walking past laughing at the lone woman and her angry bird collection, a Policeman went past and I asked him to bludgeon them with his truncheon but he smiled and said “They are only wee birds, don’t be so nasty” “If you find me here with my eyes pecked out in ten minutes, it’s your fault” I screamed at him. The wee brown, grey fluffy fuckers gathered around my ankles, some hopping dangerously close to my hand as I broke my cake with shaky fingers, so I pulled out a box of matches I had in my bag and lit three like a small torch and waved it at them. People were now watching a crazy haired woman trying to burn small birds….Honestly I looked like a nutter. I stuffed the cake into my mouth, the birds fled and immediately there was silence. Gone…all of them…no cake to peck and I was left sitting with a mouth full of cake and three burnt matches swearing at nothing. Welcome to Glasgow Janey… |
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I do seriously wonder if about men. Is it every time they have sex and sperm leaves their body; do they need to immediately fill that gap with baked goods? I am not joking here, husband leapt out of our bed at 4am… (It was a late night session…when does he slow down? I am getting very old…to old for all this late night exercise) and ran to the kitchen to eat ham toasties. Oh God. I hope my step mum is NOT reading this…she will really stab me with a knitting needle for discussing sex again. Maybe she has a point. I love his ham toasties, but then I soon fell asleep into the Village of the Damned dream. I was right grumpy cow this morning, having dealt with burnt bodies, dead babies and blood all night in my nightmares -what do you expect? I need to get my intelligent head on, I have so much to organise this week. I am being filmed on BBC next week, I need to organise books to be sold at Underbelly venue throughout Fringe, need to finalise details for flat in Edinburgh, get posters and flyers printed, all monies owed to me brought in and fuck knows what else to be honest….my brain is dead. Got told I had upset some members of my in law’s family and other people mentioned in the book, makes me feel odd and truly upset as I know the book was very intrusive of people’s lives, but I had to tell the truth as I saw it. So I am sorry to those who read this and then tell others what it said. It’s like apologising by proxy! I know that ‘Someone connected to my husbands family ’ reads this BLOG and then tells ‘someone’ and they tell ‘someone’ else and the family (my husbands’ family) then get told…I mean fuck sake guys just get the net and stop the Chinese whispers, read the book and the BLOG first hand, that’s how rumours start! So there we have it, maybe I should have written my book from all of their perspectives….can you imagine? Seven versions of one story? That would be like the Bible! Even it has discrepancies in it! Life goes on and I am sure I do believe in what goes around comes around… I went shopping with Ashley today as she needed three skirts. We actually bought 4 skirts 3 pairs of trousers 4 tops 1 jacket 2 pairs of socks My Visa bill will be hard to face…..oh have you had that fake email from PAYPAL? I did…. It explains how you paid £1,400 for two maxi Vibrators and it will be charged to your PAYPAL account. Well I quickly called VISA and they told me straight off it was a hoax…Shit, I really was looking forward to getting my Double Delight Maxi petrol powered turbo vibrator…at least it doesn’t need baked goods after a session. (Sorry Mum) |
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I am so exhausted with bad dreams…when does this stop? Get this…I dreamt I was in Hell last night, a really scary dark eerie place, if felt so frightening and to make it worse I was convinced I was Dame Judy Dench! Fucking hell even my nightmares have to be theatrical!! I have no idea what goes on in my head. Life is ok just now, though due to the extremely large amount of electricity I carry in my body, I have blown two lights, an iron and the fucking hoover in one day and to top it all I have crashed the PC twice. I am sure the coverplan people think I am possessed by the devil. I called coverplan (the PC warranty people) and the wee lovely Asian man on the line told me to tip up my ‘tower’ that sits on the floor that holds my hard drive and to pull all the plugs out of the back. So whilst on the phone I do this…there is a mild sense of alarm creeping over me as I realise I will be fucked trying to remember where to put them all back in. No worries Ahmed tells me on the line, it’s all colour co-ordinated. “Really” I laugh “That’s a fucker coz I am colour blind” I add. I am colour blind, this is true. Trying to put all those fucked up wires back in was a nightmare. “Pink” he shouts at me “Pink goes into pink hole” “I can’t tell the difference…I am not sure if this is pink or purple” I scream at him. I go off to get a pink top that I wear in my photo shots as I know that is pink and I have to drag it up to the PC tower and hold the wire beside it to remind my brain what pink is. “What are you doing?” He sounds concerned. “I am holding my pink jumper against the wire to see if it is pink” I add sarcastically “Coz I don’t know if that is PINK” We spend an hour trying to put the plugs back…there is fucking light purpley coloured ones..greeny yellow looking ones and a variety of ‘dark’ ones…I am so fucked you have no idea. Eventually I get them all in and my works. At last. I am also having hair problems, those who know me will recall my never ending fight with my ‘badger-trap’ hair. I have thick coarse dark/grey (when it feels like it) bushy lets-go-anywhere-we-want-to hair and it drives me mad. I am now growing out my fringe and have to clip it up with a clasp and I truly now look like a mental patient, this will last for about three weeks until my fringe grows long enough to hang down the side of my face. Husband laughed last night when he say the clip in my hair and then was slightly alarmed when I refused to take it out when we went over to the local for a beer. “You should take that mad clip out of your head” He said as I walked downstairs. “Then my hair covers my eyes and I wont see anything and then get hit by a car crossing the road” I sniggered. He looked at me oddly and accepted he now has a wife with a big clip in her head. Life is strange, watched the news today as more ‘devices’ blew up in London, who knows where it will all end? One thing I know for sure, this country is at war and a war that the majority did not want to happen. I hate Tony Blair and stand by my constant decision to never elect him….yet the country did ….AGAIN! I off to blow a light bulb in the toilet. |