What is wrong with me?
Date: Nov 7th, 2011 2:22:35 pm - Subscribe
Mood: mad
Janey Godley's Blog: comedian, comedy, life, stand-up comedy, Scottish,
“Don’t touch my leg” I moaned to Ashley as she tried to get me off the couch. I have a sore upper bum check and lower leg, I also have a lumpy tender patch under my right ribcage and my left arm aches. I am finally an old woman who hobbles off the sofa in a queer shape like I am trying to do the ‘Lobster’ from Little Mermaid. I hate being stiff and sore. I worry.
I don’t want to be old, I hate seeing the upper inside flabby bits of my arms, my belly is softer than freshly kneaded dough and my thighs wobble. When did I become this old woman? Am a bit stressed with the pains and have had blood tests done and this weekend I get my organs scanned. I have never been ill really in my life, but my brother died 10 months ago and I know he was a long term drug user and had HIV but I still think “what if he had something hereditary and I have it now?” I am a drama queen eh? Maybe am just fat?
Then after worrying needlessly I look around the world and realise people are living with drone planes bombing their kids, folk in Palestine are living in a illegal ghetto created for them by people who used to hate ghetto’s and Greece is struggling under an economic crisis. I need to shut up and deal with the tiny shit that happens in life eh? Then I worry how will Adele write another album unless some man fucks her about again and should we wish that on her for the sake of some nice music?
Husband is being stoic and helpful as I worry about dying and whisper to him at 4am “if I die will you make sure my dad is ok and Ashley doesn’t cry her life away and gets on her feet and please don’t let them play shit music at my funeral and I don’t want anyone but Ashley to speak as she is better at that” then I go quiet and add “I don’t want dressed in my wedding dress when I die” Husband held me tight and whispered “don’t think you will fit into that dress now and I don’t think a sore leg means you are dying, shut up and get your elbow off my arm you are hurting it”
Ashley and I are gearing up for Christmas – I say that – like we have big plans, husband doesn’t like Christmas and we have the ‘tree’ fight every year. He has decided that I take parts of the fake tree and leave them out so the tree year by year is getting thinner and decidedly smaller and lopsided. Last year I didn’t even bother putting it up as he merely offered me a single branch of the tree to decorate and sellotape to the skirting board. This year I might pull the whole shebang out and go crazy with lights and decorate it. It might be my last one if my illness’s engulf me (drama queen again?).
If you are reading this in UK and know what the LIDL shop is then you will be excited as me about their Christmas selection! If you are outside Europe and UK the LIDL is a supermarket with heaps of interesting food and goods and they are really cheap.
I love the weird seasonal decorations, skiing equipment and three bird roast on offer. Firstly if you ski you won’t really shop at the LIDL will you? I get the feeling the LIDL isn’t full of middle class people carousing the aisles for their organic wheatgrass drinks...do you? During the summer the LIDL sold blow up boats and horse blankets and equestrian goods! Who goes to the LIDL for Satsuma’s and pony trekking stuff?
Anyway I get all my blood results and will tell you how my scan went and keep you updated. Meanwhile am off to the Blythswood Hotel in Glasgow to meet my pals, they haven’t been and am excited about showing it off. I love it. Might just stay there for Christmas and give the cooking and kitchen a break!
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Take me from behind
Date: Nov 5th, 2011 10:47:32 am - Subscribe
Mood: fulfilled
Janey Godley's Blog: comedian, comedy, life, stand-up comedy, Scottish,
“Just grab the rope and make it look like you are dragging the chef’s with you” the photographer shouted. One chef shouted over the photographers voice “It looks like we are all taking you from behind” that made me laugh as I looked round and had a bunch of men and one woman behind me in a uncomfortable clutch, who were almost on top of me.
I was doing a photo shoot for Action for Children where I apparently kidnapped chefs in Edinburgh and dragged them to the City Chambers and held them hostage. To be honest if I was going to kidnap a bunch of men and hold them in a room, the last people I would take are chefs. They are all a bunch of needy egotistical nutters who claim what they do is art....much like comedians to be honest. If I had a choice I would kidnap feeble minded sexy male models, which were easily swayed with glittery objects.
Mind you the chef guys were lovely and very loud and on the phones demanding people give them money to secure their release and we ended up raising over four thousand pounds for charity. This was awesome all round- so well done people!
Been gigging around the place, had a great show last night at Glasgow Jongleurs where a man came up after the show and said “My wife screamed with laughter, she normally hates female comics and was annoyed that a woman was closing the show as as they are all about the fanny, fat and food jokes. We saw a few shit women comics lately onstage and on TV but she loved you”
I stared at the guy and wanted to bite his face. I don’t want to hear that, so women come to comedy gigs and if they hate women comics but are willing to give them a wee chance – that makes them generous? Men don’t get judged if other men had bombed onstage, men get heaps of chances. But one woman is duff onstage and that’s it...all women are shit comics? Go fuck yourself lady I want the laughter back that I gave you!
I am not going into that debate again, we all know how I feel about the plight of the female comic but fucksake I have talked it to death.
Just as I was leaving the club a guy said “We don’t expect a woman to be the headline act amongst the men but you were good” I stared at him smiled and said “Am not a comedian am just an over friendly cleaner who wandered in and they gave me a go at it” I wrapped my coat tighter round me and stomped off. How can a compliment feel like an insult?
The world is going a bit fuckety lately – we have the in the UK reports that we might start to bomb Iran...now just a heads up, I don’t think we should mainly because that leader has a distinct flinty look in his eyes and secondly they have nuclear weapons. Am just saying unless we have James Bond or the A Team we should leave well alone. I am sick of the UK getting involved in other people’s business under the guise of ‘we are there to protect the innocent and trodden on’ evidently not in countries that have fuck all but a dust bowl for natural resources or we would be helping many more oppressed people in the world.
Greece is collapsing under financial stress and the head of the borders in UK has been suspended for not checking everyone coming through airport customs....let me tell you he checked me every time and almost had a look up my vag for extra sureness. I don’t know what days the UK airport security was being relaxed but it wasn’t any of the days I flew! So we now have too many immigrants unchecked and unaccountable which made the red top newspaper piss themselves with excitement at the headline opportunities.
And on the showbiz front we had an outcry of public disdain that some Kardashian woman got married for publicity and attention....we had that back in 1981 when Prince Charles married a shy blonde bobbed curvy virgin called Diana. Except we paid for that sham of a wedding and she ended up fucking the family off and got topped in a tunnel. Maybe if a Kardashian got rammed by a white Fiat Uno and some paparazzi bikers am happy to start watching the show. Until then people you get the TV you deserve!
And apparently Justin Beiber fathered a baby after a backstage bang, seriously why is this story running? A DNA test usually brings this shit to an abrupt halt and to be honest I don’t think the Beiber even has sperm come out of his tiny Toot-toot penis, I think when he has a wee orgasm glitter and My Little Pony stickers fly out of his baby cock. That and the smell of talcum? Agree?
So some news- firstly our podcast is breaking all sorts of previously held spots in the podcast charts and we are into episode 69- if you want to check it out go to janeygodley.com and check out the front page for details and you will also see details of my autobiography which is finally coming out in E Book form at end of November!
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Big Catch up Blog
Date: Oct 27th, 2011 7:12:05 am - Subscribe
Mood: blotto
Janey Godley's Blog: comedian, comedy, life, stand-up comedy, Scottish,
Have you ever woke up at 4am and realised your skin is swelling up? No? Good on you, coz that’s how I woke up early this morning. Seems prawns really hate me and every time I eat one they squirt some liquid into my blood stream that am allergic to. I know you are thinking, why eat them if you have an allergy to them, but it’s doesn’t happen everytime. It like playing Russian roulette stir fry, but it happens so infrequent I thought I could get away with it. AND it isn’t always prawns! I can eat any fish and get this weird reaction.
So I ended up getting driven through the empty streets of Glasgow as my mouth went fat and thick with swelling. Husband simply kept calm and managed to slip through a stream of green lights as if the traffic gods were on our side and waved us through the worrying journey. Me and my husband couldn’t look at each other in case I saw the fear on his face as he saw the swelling on mine. Good news, I am fine, I got treated and it all calmed down.
So been a long time since I blogged, lots has happened, for instance Gadaffi got killed and we all had to look at his dead body on constant news streams, The OCCUPY movement has gone global. People in over a 100 major cities have started camping out in the streets to show their anger at greedy bankers and the 99% of people affected by the financial downturn. We have an OCCUPY in Glasgow but unlike other cities we had a sexual assault at ours. To make matters worse we also had a suspected homophobic attack on a young man in east Ayrshire where he was beaten and burned to death. Sometimes I feel like the people of my thriving exciting country are going backwards instead of forwards.
Don’t get me wrong Scotland is a vibrant exciting country but sometimes it feels like we harbour and nurture things like homophobia and sectarian hatred- we still have an 80% rise in domestic abuse on the day when Rangers football team play their rival Celtic. Can you believe that families sit in fear of their loved ones who are coming home from a football match in Glasgow? Families still batter religious hatred into their kids, I know- I was told to hate Catholics when I was younger, but I married one instead.
Homophobia is still a dirty cancer on our modern society, people still raise kids with spitting hatred and deep seated prejudice against the gay community, and let’s not kid ourselves, religious bashing alongside to reinforce that theory doesn’t help.
People have said to me “Would you care if Ashley was gay” and the answer is – yes I would care because I worry how she would be treated by others, but not care about her sexuality in itself.
I worry that the next generation of my family, i.e. Great nieces and nephews might have to come out as gay and how they will be treated in a Scotland of the future.
Having said that – a big salute to the many families who raise their kids up to believe religion, creed, colour and sexuality mean nothing as long as you have respect for each other. My nice Ann Margaret has three kids whom I totally adore, aged 5 8 and 14 and all three are brought up to discuss what ‘gay’ is and explore why some hate black people and basic world politics and religion. It isn’t that hard to make sure when you speak to young kids that they know you don’t hate the world and the other inhabitants who are different from you.
Those kids are even encouraged to touch spiders and not kill anything in nature, we are not religious but we don’t want them growing up haters. It isn’t that hard to do.
So now am feeling better and my skin fits me again, please do check out our podcast on janeygodley.com .
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Life as I know it indeed
Date: Oct 10th, 2011 3:33:43 pm - Subscribe
Mood: helpful
Janey Godley's Blog: comedian, comedy, life, stand-up comedy,
Husband has Aspergers, everyone knows this and some people are interested in how it affects our marriage and life, if you are one of those people then here’s a thing- if I say something pretty innocuous like “oh look that couple across the road have painted their door”
He will look at me with a weary look and say “It was me who told you about that painted door about a week ago” I look at him and reply “I don’t recall you telling me the people have painted their door, I have just noticed it now, does it matter who knew first? Am just remarking on a thing my two eye balls spotted!”
He stares at me as if I am mad, what would make me think he would let this go? He obviously told me about that painted door last week and to prove that he barks “You and Ashley were on the couch, you were wearing a towel on your head and Ashley was painting her toenails and I said to you both 'The people across the car park have painted their door' it was me who told you this, not you telling me about the door just now, as if I didn’t know about it" I stared blankly at his commitment to this dull uneventful subject.
He then recreated the scene of him telling me about the painted door like a forensic scientist, painstakingly revealing each step of the situation where we were what we were doing when he told us about the painted amazing painted door. I am surprised he didn’t have an overhead projector and slide show of evidence. He was staring at me with agog eyeballs at my forgetful stupidity- how can I not recall where I was when he was telling me important door painting information.
I now hate the painted door and resolve to say in future “That’s right you did tell me about that painted door, why would I mention it as if you knew nothing about it, am nought but a fool?”
These tiny tics in his personality can drive me mad- that and his need to be the original source of any information I have gathered or recently stored in my brain makes me grabby for blunt instruments. The upside is I understand that it is Aspergers that makes him constantly fixate on some daft wee things, that aren’t daft to him but annoying to us.
Having said that I think we all have a wee bit of Aspergers in our psyche, don’t you?
I just hear the words Michael Jackson or Polanski and I am on twitter and facebook getting my dander right up and slightly foamy at the side of my mouth, repeating myself over and over again.
Then again why can we accept that Michael Jackson was an alleged child abuser, yet allowed to get some mates sperm inserted into white women so he can create white children for his own amusement? No social services get in the way? Makes me sick!
My other mildly Aspergers trait is counting steps onstage all across the country/globe and then trying to recall them at a moment’s notice – Nottingham = 3 Glasgow = 2 etc...You get what I mean? Well, I have in my head the number of steps up to the main stage of almost every gig I have ever played worldwide. That’s fucked isn’t it? I don’t think I have any right to talk about husband when I am clearly nuts myself!
I actually said out loud last night to husband “Did you know there are fourteen steps up to the stage area at Brighton Dome” he looked at me and said “It was me that told you that”
He hasn’t been to Brighton Dome, I whipped my head round getting ready to throw this information into his face and he was already laughing at me with a cheeky wink.
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Stuff me and my daughter have learned
Date: Oct 1st, 2011 2:46:47 pm - Subscribe
Mood: sketchy
Janey Godley's Blog: comedian, comedy, life, stand-up comedy,
Things I have learned in my life- by Janey Godley & Ashley Storrie- below is a list of things my daughter Ashley and I compiled for your perusal, we have travelled around the world a bit and seen some stuff and shared some experiences and this is our list. Enjoy.
1. Screaming at toddlers when they fall doesn’t stop them crying or bleeding.
2. Asking loud drunk people to be quiet on the train makes them want to hit you.
3. Hugging rabbit’s really tightly kills them.
4. Telling a small girl about age four not to repeat the words Fucksake doesn’t work, she will repeat those words and usually in front of the one begging nun that stands outside a shop.
5. Hoping that the spot on your nose will disappear in time for a photo shoot.
6. Assuming middle class people to be well behaved drunks at a comedy night (they are worse, that self centred sense of entitlement makes them horrible).
7. You don’t have to be white to be racist.
8. False eyelashes rip your own eyelashes out, now you have two problems.
9. Spot cream does kill spots and unfortunately all the skin surrounding the spot way after the spot has faded.
10. Sanitary towels are designed to fold over accidentally and then stick to your pubic hair and rip it out when you pull down your knickers, it’s just in case you aren’t in enough pain already.
11. Walter Matthau and Saddam Hussein is not the same person, never get them mixed up in the picture round of a pub quiz.
12. Crotch less pants are just damaged goods.
13. If you pronounce the word VAGINA with an ‘F’ at the start instead of a ‘V’ it makes it ten times funnier.
14. Standing on stage screaming about a woman that hurt you in a monotone voice doesn’t make you a comedian, even if your drunk pals, told you it was ‘ridonkilously great’
15. Being Jewish/Muslim/Christian/Scientologist doesn’t mean you are right.
16. Never have sex on your friends suede couch...just don’t.
17. Screaming drunken football chants doesn’t make random strangers like your team.
18. Buy hotel internet, its expensive, but then claim it didn’t work and demand a refund- they can’t prove otherwise.
19. Cough loudly and in a sick manner, sweat profusely and moan when on any form of transport to ensure solitary seats, don’t overdo it or they think you have swine flu and don’t let you travel.
20. When on a busy train platform talk to people and create an allegiance so that when crowd surges forward you as a group can get seats for each other.
21. Hide a child’s favourite toy and pretend it went away and it won’t return till they eat cauliflower.
22. Always fart in the bank queue- no reason just do it.
23. If a man comes onto you and you don’t want to hurt their feelings because you don’t fancy them, tell them you are into fuzzy humping (dressing as animals and fucking) or tell them you like sex and pain on a daily basis. That usually works for me (Ashley Storrie).
24. If you hate cooking and people keep talking about recipes and a good idea for a quiche blurt out you can’t have children and are barren now, to get them off the subject.
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