Because of you
Date: May 21st, 2006 4:04:02 pm - Subscribe
Mood: grand
I decided the other day that I am not going to get mad at people anymore. I am just not going to let anything anyone does upset me. It is trival and stupid to be consumed by feelings for people. That probably will never have similar feelings for you. In any situtation. Since believing a lovers ramblings of devotion, just proves the opposite. I decided to not care anymore, which in turn cured all my demons from the past. I don't blame nor feel hatred nor any other emotion for the people who have wronged me in the past. It was my own fault for letting them to begin with, for believing their false tales to be true. When I knew better the entire time. I should have then done as they did and not actually have any emotion at all but just play the part. Say the things you are suppose to say and do the things you are suppose to do, but never suffer the consicences of a broken heart. For I never should have let it enter the real world. When I was little watching others around me, I had decided this then also. Then in my later years I abandoned my own wishes and thoughts to persue what so many have said to be the reason we are here. If pain and hatred and fear are the reasons we are here, I wish not to take part. In this relationship like most the others, I don't feel like I am in it at all. The other person in complete control and I just following allong trying not to see the obvious deseptions. With every I love you a cover up for the I love you that was bestoed to someone else. With every touch a thought of where they would rather be. With this new case around my heart I feel more alive and my mind as clear as when I was younger. Prior to my drunkeness that is called love that keeped me locked in a small little box. I feel so much better without all the jeously, anger, and fear in my heart. Knowing that no matter what people do they can no longer destroy me from the inside until it deminishes the outside. My mind was so cluttered with thoughts I couldn't fall asleep last night. I promised myself that last time was the last time and this time there isn't really anything to fight. So I am here and she here and we are stuck here until she decides weither to go or stay. To let go of all her past and move on with our future or let it consume her and have us drownd. If by no means of self control does she fail, then I shall return home. Or to where my friends are rather and decided my next move, for I really haven't found my home.
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