9:24 PM - 2.6.08
Date: Feb 6th, 2008 9:14:57 pm - Subscribe
Mood: achy

So maybe this decision to join track sucked. I don't regret it, but it hurts like hell. I'm trying to decide whether or not the endorphin rush afterward is worth {not the pain} but the inconvenience. I know it's worth the pain right now, it can only make me better. It's just a betch that with all of this scholarship/college/term paper/band contest/chorus contest/tutoring/music audition/etc stuff that I'm not getting home 'till sixish sometimes, when every freaking business evar is closed. I need a haircut before I go college visiting but I'm not seeing any way to do this.

Did I mention WYSE? With my ex? Oh yeah, that's tomorrow. I'm going to have to get all dressed up just so I can have a little confidence (looking pretty makes me feel nice) and try to block all that out of my head during the test. My nightmare is that I'm repeating last year, when we met, in my head while I'm taking this year's test. Getting waves of nausea that I still get because the last time we were both at the college, he dumped me for a whore that had screwed him over. Sweating because I know my whole family and friends tried to be nice to him because I said I wanted to stay friends, when I was really just going along with his stupid game to save his own conscience. Meanwhile, wishing he'd get off his ass and bring Carmel down to visit, because it's killing mom to think of her lately.

And after that, TeamQuest, so I can build towers and shit out of paper clips and masking tape. It worked for MacGyver. It should stop there.

And of course having to find time before Wednesday to go to the DMV and get my permit, because I'll be missing the vision test for WYSE. For Jason. For bad thoughts and memories and nausea that's not just because of the crappy food. I'd pack a lunch, but I look like a hobo now anyway what with my coat and hat and track things and folders for band and scholarship papers and English. I know I thrive on having things to do. I hate being bored. I just wish that my hobbies weren't so self-destructive.
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7:50 PM - 1.3.08
Date: Jan 3rd, 2008 7:50:43 pm - Subscribe
Mood: sketchy

So, we came into the possession of a kitten today. Tiffany's boyfriend's family moved away and left it, but her mom wouldn't let Tiff keep it, so we agreed to take it in for a little while, long enough to find it another home. We figured maybe if it got along with the others we might keep it, except it, well, hates the dogs and the other cats hate him too. He's little and black and about 8 weeks and the most. Skin and bones, but he's a chow hound and will probably fatten up quick. Hopefully he either takes a liking to everyone, or we can find a new home. I feel horrible though, like a street preacher standing on a corner or a salvation army bell-ringer.

On the other hand, teh new hamster in town, Audi, seems to be settling in pretty well.
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5:21 P.M. - 12.16.07
Date: Dec 16th, 2007 5:57:15 pm - Subscribe
Mood: strange

Okay, I know it's been forever. I'll try to go in order.

Almost every day this week I've been baking after school, and cleaning. Hooray for the holidays, I suppose.

Friday was Alexis's birthday, so I went over there around sixish. I didn't know anyone but her, Mego, and Marcus. There was a girl, Chrissie, who was pretty nifty though. All in all it was pretty weird, I felt like a seventh wheel. We played Guitar Hero III in her basement and had burping contests. Everyone started bailing out around nine-thirty, at which time I realized that I'd be staying alone in Alexis's house the next morning because she had Saturday school. Now, at one time, I would have been amused and relished the hilariousness of the opportunity, but as it was I could feel myself getting depressed again, so I had her take me home when she dropped Mego off. It was nice having the few hours of caffeinated glee, though.

Saturday I had pep band, and I cooked for about ten hours straight after I got home from that. I felt somewhat bad for missing Kiersten's birthday party, but I know I would never have finished everything without the cookathon.

Then today (Sunday), I had the Christmas Concert at two. I slept in till about tennish (Hey, I was up until almost two lol. Found a really amusing program on religious boneheads trying to muscle their way into politics.) and did a little finishing up before I went. Now, I have five little buckets full of treats to give to people, yay!

(:: Snowball cookies, Potato candy, Peanut butter cookies, Kiss cookies, Triple-chip cookies, Peppermint Bark, Peanut Butter Fudge dipped in chocolate, Chocolate fudge, Puppy chow, and brownies!)

So yes, the Christmas spirit comes and goes here. My party is set for Friday, and I know sometime over break I'm going to go and set up a website for a local hunting club. :]
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10:23 P.M. - 11.24.07
Date: Nov 24th, 2007 10:27:25 pm - Subscribe
Mood: blank
Muzak: "The Killing Lights" - AFI

new puppy:

alias "Crumb". Five weeks. Chow Chow/German Shepard. Adorable!

new look too. faux-hawkish. short.

Apparently I look older now. It's the only reason I can think of that the guys around walmart, petco, etc. are treating me differently. I know it's not an unwavering air of self confidence.

I dunno. Sometimes I just feel like quicksand. When good things happen they dance around the edges and I am happy, but after a few minutes they just...go away and I feel empty again. It's a relief from crying at least, whis is nice. Sometimes the realization that nothing here holds promise for me anymore, that the odds are supporting the 'there went my one chance of happiness from this place' arguement, just flat scares me. What if I do leave and nothing's different, I'm just as out of place? And the crazy cat lady thing is out...I'm a dog person. I don't know what I'm to do with myself, really.

some writing blather I came up with the other night:

She was an art major. Daniel had spent the last three years of his life on this campus, under this tree. He had seen countless art majors walk past on the sidewalk or through the grass, away from the Traditional Arts building. He had seen hundreds of flowing skirts, thousands of bright prints, screaming, "I AM UNIQUE!” as if they were trying harder to convince themselves of that fact than they were to tell everyone else about it. When he saw this one come through the door, though, he had to rub his eyes. One thing he saw very little of was the unwavering air of confidence in place of the sheet of ice that most of the girls wore wrapped around themselves, so much like their hand-woven shawls. Thinking back, he didn’t remember having seen if before at all.

I haven't decided how much I like it yet, but I know the ending.
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7:40 P.M. - 10.29.07
Date: Oct 29th, 2007 7:41:01 pm - Subscribe
Mood: meh
Muzak: "Roots Radicals" - Rancid

A little better every day, right? Maybe when dealing with Jason. Not applicable anywhere else.

I'm surfing around trying to pay for RIT, but my parents are dragging their feet about the application fee. I landed on the Navy ROTC website and suddenly had a scene flash of me in Dish's office and him asking me why I would want to go into the Navy when I know where I'd be deployed already, realizing what I should have said.

At least I'd be dead and rotting here instead of being alive and doing the same.

I can't think of a single good thing that's happened to me here. Not that wasn't yanked back, or didn't blow up once I had it in my greedy little paws, or couldn't have just as easily happened somewhere else.

Then I remember finally realizing my turning point when I was talking to Jason when he was over this weekend, after working the haunted house. I didn't tell him the whole story, because I just now remembered it all now.

I told one girl, a friend. I didn't so much tell her as ask her out. I knew it was a bad idea later that night. The next day I found out who my friends were (and how few they were); they were the kids that pulled me over and talked to me when no one else would even look me in the eye walking down the hallway. I thought it had all blown over until that ad day, when I poured myself out to Brooke and Kristin and Brittany as a bystander and Kristin mentioned "poor Kerstyn, no one talkes to her. because she's not straight."

If you're white, straight, and country, you're good here. Even better? white, straight, country and male. Throw in an alcohol/tobacco addiction and you're good to go. I only have one of the first three, and I even somehow happened to be too white and distanced myself even more. The few rare months of having things go almost perfectly made me forget the knack I have for distancing myself without meaning to.
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5:13 P.M. - 10.21.07
Date: Oct 21st, 2007 5:27:20 pm - Subscribe
Mood: drained
Muzak: "Lazy Eye" - Silversun Pickups

I hardly update anymore, but most of my time is spent wondering about this breakup, and I hate being that girl. The one who dwells on it, it's all she can talk about.

I try to distract myself, but then my hands move without my thoughts and I mess up whatever I'm doing. I've had to stitch the same few inches on Lacey's Christmas present countless times. I've read the same few pages of The Scarlet Pimpernel about as much.

I can't get mad at him because I still like talking to him as a friend, but I can't keep food down when I think of her, even worse when it's "them".

And of course the way I sleep, it never helps with anything, much less this. And I've been sick the last few days, that's great.

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