9:24 PM - 2.6.08
Date: Feb 6th, 2008 9:14:57 pm - Subscribe
Mood: achy

So maybe this decision to join track sucked. I don't regret it, but it hurts like hell. I'm trying to decide whether or not the endorphin rush afterward is worth {not the pain} but the inconvenience. I know it's worth the pain right now, it can only make me better. It's just a betch that with all of this scholarship/college/term paper/band contest/chorus contest/tutoring/music audition/etc stuff that I'm not getting home 'till sixish sometimes, when every freaking business evar is closed. I need a haircut before I go college visiting but I'm not seeing any way to do this.

Did I mention WYSE? With my ex? Oh yeah, that's tomorrow. I'm going to have to get all dressed up just so I can have a little confidence (looking pretty makes me feel nice) and try to block all that out of my head during the test. My nightmare is that I'm repeating last year, when we met, in my head while I'm taking this year's test. Getting waves of nausea that I still get because the last time we were both at the college, he dumped me for a whore that had screwed him over. Sweating because I know my whole family and friends tried to be nice to him because I said I wanted to stay friends, when I was really just going along with his stupid game to save his own conscience. Meanwhile, wishing he'd get off his ass and bring Carmel down to visit, because it's killing mom to think of her lately.

And after that, TeamQuest, so I can build towers and shit out of paper clips and masking tape. It worked for MacGyver. It should stop there.

And of course having to find time before Wednesday to go to the DMV and get my permit, because I'll be missing the vision test for WYSE. For Jason. For bad thoughts and memories and nausea that's not just because of the crappy food. I'd pack a lunch, but I look like a hobo now anyway what with my coat and hat and track things and folders for band and scholarship papers and English. I know I thrive on having things to do. I hate being bored. I just wish that my hobbies weren't so self-destructive.
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