Starting Yet Again
Date: Dec 27th, 2004 4:15:25 pm - Subscribe
Mood: enlightened


I failed again. I stopped doing my routines, gained back 10 pounds, let the house get messy again, and let our finances get even worse. I'm very stressed out by the amount of debt we are carrying. I'm disappointed in myself that once again I failed to create lasting change in my life.

The good news is that I'm prepared to start over. I've also decided that adding a home business to my list of responsibilities at a time when I hadn't yet mastered the basics in my life was part of my undoing. I think I really must focus on basics right now and resist the temptation to add more to my life as I start to get my head above water.

How crazy is that? Imagine me drowning. I realize that if I relax I will rise to the surface where I can lift my head to breathe. That extra breath gives me just enough energy to tread water a bit, which restores some of my confidence so I add a few strokes and begin to move toward the shore. The shore is still quite far, but I'm feeling strong and hopeful. I spot a beautiful treasure chest, and although it's heavy I grab it and begin to drag it with me to the shore. Is it any wonder that I slowly run out of energy and begin to drown again? If I want to save my life I have to leave the treasure in the ocean and get to the shore. After I do that I can seek treasure, or maybe I will have already found the real treasure.

I believe it is really that serious. I believe that I am truly in danger of drowning if I don't make steady, unhindered progress toward the shore. I'm afraid I will slide back into depression if I don't drop the treasure chest, gather my strength, and head for the shore. That's all a pretty way of saying that I've decided, with a heavy heart, to lay aside my hopes and dreams of success with this business for now so that I can save my life.

I need to start over with the basics. I went to the beginning of my blog to find a few things that I needed to remember. I was feeling uneasy because I really lack the committment to this process that I felt I needed to make it work and then I read this:

I wish I could marshal some excitement or even cautious anticipation at my decision to change my life. The truth is, I've tried it before. I've resolved to lose weight, organize my house, find my bliss, you name it, at least a hundred times without success.

So, I wasn't feeling motivated or committed to the process in July when I began, but by taking small steps I experienced a great deal of success. I lost 20 lbs almost effortlessly! I haven't gained it ALL back. :-)

I also read this:

Can I at least promise myself that if nothing else I'll keep writing about it? Yes, I can do that. (The fact that I just love sitting in front of my computer absolutely supports me in keeping this promise to myself. grin.gif )

I think I stopped writing about it because I didn't want to face the fact that I was letting myself down. I was betraying myself and I denied it. So, here I am writing again.

I'm taking baby steps toward getting the house organized, and it feels really good. In the morning I'm doing three things to get a routine started. I'm getting dressed, which includes washing and moisturizing my face, making my bed, and starting a load of laundry. In the evening I've promised myself that I'll clean the kitchen sink (and the rest of the kitchen if I'm feeling energetic), set out my clothes for the morning, brush my teeth, and wash/moisturize my face. That's it for now!

This is where I begin again. This is my starting point and I can come back to it as many times as I need to. The sooner I do, the easier it will be. The longer I wait the more damage will be done. I'll have more to fix before getting back to where I was.

When I read this,...

I'm still working at this one step at a time, and I'm prepared for it to take longer than a month or two or six for me to pull myself together.

I felt wonderful. It made me realize that I didn't fail! I'm actually on track. I didn't expect to change in just a few weeks, but I lost sight of that and started expecting too much. Here I am six months later and I'm not in the same place I was. I am a little closer to the shore. I'm still 10 lbs lighter, and I know exactly what I must do to get back on track.

So, tonight I will pick out clothes to wear tomorrow. (It's a little harder to do because I threw out my fat clothes and my other clothes are feeling a little too tight.) I'll clean up the kitchen. I'll wash my face, brush my teeth, and tomorrow I'll begin again.
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