jes2008s Aeonity Blog

Blogless

Sun, 06 Jul 2008 20:52:52 -0500

I'm not even sure if anyone reads this. Of course that should never be a reason to blog or not blog. When I first started blogging about 3 years back, I did it for myself, to record MY thoughts, not to gain any sort of fan base...Lately I've been writing because I feel like I owe it to people, when all I have to blog about is how upset I am about this and that. I maintain three blogs [well 4 counting that one of myspace]. Xanga was my first blog, and still continues to be the main place I go to update. I will occasionally use myspace just for fools play, nothing ever serious goes up there, just random announcements and short life lessons (I really don't care for myspace). My third blog is private and in an undisclosed location. That blog is where I let nothing back, but it is only for me and my eyes. This blog was started a few months ago for a friend of mine who complained about not being about to comment on my xanga blog. I made this entire blog so that he could comment and well, he has, but it's been a while [Loser]. Given that little bit of info, I may stop writing up here since I only did it for one person. I don't believe in wasting blog space, or posting just to say I posted. If you truly want to keep up with me go to: www.xanga.com/jazziegal97. You may not be able to comment, but it won't be the end of the world either. If you’re that interested in my dull life [outside of blogs], feel free to just openly ask about it. Lastly I'd like to say that I haven't been in the highest spirits lately. Circumstances have caused me to be fairly bitter, anti-social and lifeless. It took a look in the mirror the other day to figure myself out and I now know that I must be semi-selfish for a while in order to get myself happy. I spend so much time looking out for others needs that I often times forget about my own. It's not that I mind looking out for others, but not everyone in my life deserves it. In fact it would benefit me to rid myself of some useless baggage in my life and propel forward. It's the only way to stay positive. Negativity should have no place in my life because it gets you nowhere...neither does bullshitting yourself...but then again, some people will forever believe that they aren't full of shit. With that said, here's to a new me in the next coming weeks. Be patient, I'm under-construction and will be back shortly. Adios.

A Survey.

Wed, 11 Jun 2008 20:19:22 -0500

Has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes? yes Do you ever keep arguing when you know you're wrong? I've been known to not be stern on something when I truly believe that my point is valid. What did you do today? went to work, went to the store, cooked dinner, talked to my mom on the phone. How is your hair? ugh...i'm working on that this coming weekend. Do you like your first name? yes Do you like to cuddle? not really Name something great that happened today? another day of work = more of a paycheck. Who was the last person's voice you heard? my mom's on the pone When was the last time you saw your father/stepfather? sunday night Who was the last person you hung out one-on-one with? mom Regret doing anything in the past week? hmm...maybe not being completely honest with myself. When did you last cry? pretty close to tears saturday night [because iw as stressed], but otherwise not for a while. Have you ever been cheated on? not that i know of. Have you ever kissed anyone whose name started with A? YES Have you ever kissed anyone whose name started with B? yes Do you drink coffee? rarely. it puts me in a unusually pissy mood. What were you doing 20 minutes ago? channel surfing. Does anyone call you babe? ha, every once in a while out of the blue, yes. Who's car were you last in? my co-worker's suv. Last thing you drank? Water What were you doing at midnight last night? sleeping. Did you kiss or hug anyone today? Nope Are you more of a coffee or alcohol drinker? alkie. Have you ever thought about getting your nose pierced? never Have you ever slapped anyone? of course Who are there pictures of in the room you're currently in? none at the moment...new place. What are your plans for this up coming weekend? going to raleigh because greenville lacks any interesting qualities or structure. Do you tend to make relationships complicated? no, unless i just stop caring about them. Are you good at giving directions? if i can give landmarks, yes. If not, prepared to be screwed. Has anyone told you they missed you lately? yes.

Update

Tue, 10 Jun 2008 12:09:34 -0500

Finally got the job! I started yesterday. Moved in the apartment on sunday. Life has been really busy the past few days....I kind of need to take a breather. check out: www.xanga.com/jazziegal97 for more detailed updates of my life. I'm too lazy to repeat myself up here.

You're Guessing

Thu, 29 May 2008 11:27:17 -0500

I was in a bit of a slump all day long. I woke up in one of those moods where all you want to do is turn back over and sleep forever. I guess the murky rain outside my window didn't help matters either. Good news is I have an interview set up tomorrow for an internship for the summer and then another one friday [in greenville] for a job in the fall. I've already had offers for that summer internship in kinston [although she still has not given me a start date], and a job here at an art company. Outside of thanking me for faxing the release form, I haven't heard much from united way , perhaps this is the main reason for my self pity all day. I guess I can't count them out just yet, maybe they'll contact me with a decision sometime this week. Halfway through the day I started to snap out of it and gather myself. I don't have too much time to sulk around the house feeling sorry for myself or waiting on something that could possibly take a while. I have to be proactive in my career choices from now on, since I have bills to pay. A funny thing happened today. I was in the mist of cleaning up my hardrive [to get my mind off of united way] and i got the strangest text message from a friend that said, 'i'm sorry i lied...' So naturally i was a bit confused [b/c out of all of my friends he is probably the most honest one]. It wasn't until I read the rest of the message that stated my friend had been called from a job at NCSU that I had applied for [he asked me to use him as a reference last week] did it click. Anyway he basically made it sound like i was this perfect employee, even though he has never been around me in an office type setting. I felt flattered that he'd lie that much under pressure...haha...I guess he was caught off guard. So basically we've made a pact for me to keep the story going, assuming i even get that job. So I owe a you a HUGE THANK-YOU for making me sound amazing today [JOSEPH] . Your useful lies have brought joy to my pathetic post-college grad life. Hmm...in other news the real world is really starting to tax my nerves. I think all of the roommates have issues and need to seek counseling, not just the boys. Maybe those cornfed kids will straighten up and resolve their childish issues before killing one another. Hopefully my roommates and I this year won't go through that much drama. Well I'm off to sleep. Gotta get up and interview tomorrow...again. This is starting to become too routine. Peace. PS: Check out this company mascot quiz on AOL.com [it's pretty interesting]: http://money.aol.com/special/company-mascot-quiz?icid=100214839x1202901407x1200114759

Waiting.

Wed, 28 May 2008 12:57:34 -0500

Waiting around for phone calls has always driven me batty, particularly lately. It's like my entire life is kind of placed on paused until I get the "yeh" or "nay". Life kind of sucks sometimes, but at least I have my health, education, family and friends. My mom says I have a tendency to be very pessimistic. Pssh, what a load of crock. My dad is ten times more pessimistic than I could ever be, even on my worst day. I like to think I'm realistic. I'm the kind of girl that always has a plan "B", "C" and "D". I envy, yet am often times annoyed with optimistic people. What with their beaming ear to ear smiles, their quirky quotes--no f*** that. Go have a bad day every once in a blue moon. Geez. This day in age though, optimists are a dying breed. Ok, well it’s raining, gas is too high and I finally have a break from the slew of interviews. To keep myself occupied today, I think I'll clean my hard drive. Wish me luck, because this could take a while!

Mending Broken Strings

Wed, 21 May 2008 00:23:01 -0500

Today went over very well. The interview was promising, but I can't quite exhale just yet. I may know something as early as next week. I got hired as an intern though in Kinston. Too bad its part time and kind of out of the way. With gas about to hit $4, I'm not sure if I can afford to work there...even though the pay is $15 an hour. In any situation I'm just ready to figure out life from here. I'm sick of not being able to see my immediate future. It's difficult to plan any sort of social life around a foggy future. Who knows what I'll be doing, or where I'll be even a week from now. I just can't make any promises. I watched A.I. tonight and I have to say that of all the seasons I've actively watched (which haven't been many), this is the only season where I honestly don't know who will win. I really don't care which David wins. I like them both. I'm sure both of them will get record deals regardless, so therefore it really makes no difference. For the first time in a while I've felt like digging out my guitar and strumming along randomly. I honestly haven't done that in about a year or so. I was just never all that into it to start with. Truth of the matter is, 'getting lessons' from Andrew (moreless watching him play) seemed like a clever way to hangout at the time. Kind of killing two birds with one stone, so to speak. Guess I didn't realize I'd actually learn something...too bad he's kind of 500 miles away and kind of a drug addict now. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. Having lunch with mike the other day cleared the stale and somewhat awkward air that's been between us since gosh, last month? Even at my graduation, there was this unspoken awkwardness, even if he came to be supportive. It just dawned on me yesterday that I haven't said so much as a broken sentence to him since last month and here we all about to roll into summer and then the apartment. I was angry, he's was angry and neither one of us had time to deal with it. If there's one thing I can't stand is living with someone when we're not on good terms. Hopefully everything has kind of been cleared up so that we can have a great school year. The only thing on my agenda for tomorrow is having dinner with the girls. I haven't seen a lot of them since...wow...Christmas? So yeah, we have A LOT to catch up on, I'm sure. Wow, I really should establish a bed time, otherwise this will bite me in the ass later. Toodles.

Changes.

Tue, 13 May 2008 23:45:34 -0500

Not long after graduation and already my priorities have shifted. No longer am I concerned or caught up in silly juvenile situations that previously drained me of all available emotion, leaving me lifeless and coldhearted. And when I mean situations I mainly mean the person/people that have caused them. I'm over everything. I'll forgive but won't forget. Clean slates. I think for now I have my mind focused on the here and now, and what I need to get done to get to points B and C (getting adjusted to graduate school & getting another car!). Clean slates. I think now I have my mind focused on the here and now, and what I need to get done to get to points B and C (getting adjusted to graduate school & getting another car!). A. A used 97-2000 Audi A4 2.8 liter turbo-charged (automatic) B. A used 1999-2004 VW Jetta V6 TDI (automatic) C. A new 2008 SES ford focus with a DOHC engine the audi and jetta handle nicely, altough the audi sticks around 2nd gear. I've never test drove any sort of focus. Hopefully it won't let me down. All cars claim to get between 20-32mpg highway and 19 to 27mpg city. Either way, anything is better than the 15hwy/17city i get in the taurus. Anyway, the job searching is going...I've heard back from a few places and have a few interviews lined up for this week and next (with one job set in stone for the end of the month). They aren't really positions that I WANT, but under the circumstances I may just take what I can get at this point. My goals do not allow me to be picky. I made the dean's list. I guess that's an accomplishment, especially considering that I've practically always been in the running for honor roll during most of undergrad. Not that, that's bad, but it's not enough (in my books). I’ve always wanted more. Will (one of my best friends) is in France for a few weeks. He left yesterday and it hasn't really dawned on me until today. I'll miss our random late night chats about the dramas in our lives, but hopefully as Damian (my other best friend who has also been to France) says, "studying abroad will really mature him." I wish I could study abroad. I’d go to London if I had the chance. As horrible as this sounds I think I'm going to isolate myself from a few people this summer. It's only best. Sometimes you just need a break from the daily people and occurrences in your life. I’m thinking about it like outpatient therapy. I need to clear my head, not to mention grow, change and reflect, etc. and I can't do that unless I stay focused. There's this one situation that has sort of confusing me since the beginning of the past semester. I go back and forth on this almost daily now and I don't know how to feel. I do and then I don't. I want, yet I don't. I'm confident then I'm insecure...I'm really not sure how to answer friends and family members (who dive into my business anyway) when they ask the verdict. To be honest I don't know. I can say that it is not an entirely a black and white issue. There's a lot of gray area. Or maybe that's just how I'm viewing the equation. I have been known to be completely blind in missing crucial signs, then reading into one's that are flukes. The other side of this may have an entirely different view. Ugh. These things can be complicated, but shouldn't be. Lastly, if a certain friend is reading this I’d like to publicly apologize for being a tad bit too sarcastic in an email. Yes, you. I really meant nothing mean by it at all, I was just in a strange mood when responding to it. I’m not even sure why I responded to the email with anything other than an “ok”. If it means anything, the 42 cents is worth it. Yes, friends should not recieve cards for being a friend, but this is necessary, i wouldn't feel appreciative if I didn't put forth the effort. I think I'll end this here and go to bed. Job interviews the rest of the week! I need all the luck I can get. Black pants suit and professionalism here I come.

Alumni Status (for now)

Sun, 11 May 2008 00:37:56 -0500

Quote of the day: "50 pounds of flour makes a big biscuit, or a big mess." -senior class president of ecu's class of 2008 I'm an alumni!!! Well, at least that's what I can say until fall, when I'm technically re-enrolled again as a graduate student. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I know that shit is going to be hard as balls. Oh well, one step at a time. Anyway this weekend has been extremely busy, but sucessful. My dad's entire family came down (haven't seen most of them for years) so that was fun. Their all heavy drinkers and kept trying to get my to drink with them...in front of my parents, WHO NEVER DRINK. That was awkward, but I did have some champagne! A few friends of mine came up to my department ceremony (friday). That was very touching and I can't thank them enough! In all of the craziness that was graduation my parents met a few of the people that I mention from time to time. You know, those people hat I mention and they look at me funny and go, "who? Who the hell is that?". Yes, now they can rest assure that they know a few more people in my life. Graduation today was crazy. It was hot and extremely long. Half the undergrads got up and left around the time that they were calling the PhD students (about an hr in), and the other half (myself included) were either text messaging away, or -talking on the cell phone. At least Damian and Will kept me occupied during that drawn-out experience. Thanks guys, for texting me! It also helped that the people sitting around me were cracking jokes, keeping all of us awake and laughing. I got about $400+ from my family members. I still can't believe that, seeing as how I had about $5 in my checking account as of yesterday (after buying mothers day gifts and paying a few bills). Yes, that money will probably go to pay off more bills, but at least it's $400 that I didn't have. I didn't expect to get that from any of them. My parents helped me move out today and that was a fail and a half. I never really had time to completely pack EVERYTHING since I have been in and out of greenville for the past few days. So I had to semi-pack while they stood there looking at me dumbfounded, just all in the way. Oh, parents. Gotta love them. Well I'm "home" now. I use quotes because this is not really my home anymore, just a dwelling that I'm chilling at until the lease for the apartment starts. Then it's "real living" then! Yessir. I'm tired. But I feel very accomplished. Let's see if I can actually graduate from graduate school... Toodles . :D

Farewell Undergrad

Thu, 08 May 2008 21:46:04 -0500

I graduate tomorrow ! Super stoked. Can't believe it's already been four years....can't believe I'm getting a B.A. in English and still can't write up here in complete sentences. We helped kayla move out this morning and everything finally hit me at once. That's it. The year's over...everyone's leaving (some people forever), and everything will be different next year. Different for good and bad reasons. I think next school year I'm going to stay on the grind and stay away from drama. That was my main problem this year. Surrounding myself with people who bleed it. It's not healthy and honestly not necessary. Got all but one of my grades back and as I suspected my comm class fucked up my 4.0 gpa! One fucking point from an A. You know I could be upset about this for the rest of my life, until I realize just how unimportant that entire class was to start with. I only took it to cap off my requirements. Biggest waste of my internet life btw. Straight A's in everything else though... My entire family comes down tomorrow and saturday. I'm not sure rather or not to be excited or nervous. I haven't seen a lot of them in years. Hopefully things will go over well with that. Hopefully I'll get some money, I know that's a horrible thing to think, but I was looking at my checking account today and it's not looking so good. Espeically not after filling up twice this past weekend....that was about $110 down the tube. It's not all that late, but I'm bored and I think I'll drift off to sleep, besides, my suitemates are all in the process of packing because they leave out tomorrow. I'm stuck here until after saturday's graduation. There's lots to do tomorrow. Lots of great people to see. =D Last entry as an undergrad! Peace. 8)

No Air

Tue, 06 May 2008 21:17:04 -0500

So I should be happy, what with me graduating just shy of 4 days, but I can't help but to find myself in a dismal mood, especially within the last 24 hours. Job hunting has become a bit of a disappointment and I'm starting to seriously lose faith in any qualifications that I thought I originally possessed. Sometimes I just wish I could snap my fingers and change my qualifications, or magically receive the money I need to take care of bills. This situation will have to be taken care of eventually. My car has been giving me the shits lately (well, not literally, not in the sense of the bathroom), but I'm about fed up with dealing with it. I refuse to put anymore money into it. It's just going to have to hang-on until I replace it, which if things go well will be towards the end o the summer. The last week has been a whirlwind. I've been in so many places that I've lost track of what day it is. I had a lot of unfinished business to take care of here there and everywhere and now that I've had about 12 hours of "peaceful environment", Greenville awaits me. I've been done with finals since the last day of classes (last week), but there are still a few loose ends that need to be tended to before I walk across that stage. I'm starting to regret being so forgiving of people because it is starting to bite me in the ass. Bottom line I'm too nice, I forgive too easily and I need to grow a back bone. No details up here, just know that the summer will serve as theory for me. My heart has been twisted up enough this year, it needs to recover. There's been one situation that I think has contributed to all of this up and down behavior and it's my own fault for refueling it. I'm just confused as to how to feel or what exactly to feel. I can't read signs; it's becoming too foggy to tell. Hopefully things will work out right. I know this makes no sense and maybe it's not supposed to since I'm rambling on... Maybe tomorrow will be better.