jessiebell's Blog

weird how similar this is to my life
Date: Jun 21st, 2008 2:27:32 pm - Subscribe
Mood: deflated
Music: tiny vessels - death cab

'You know what? I think you're too stable for both your dad and your mom. I think they are pulling you down.

Like your parents are not bad people, don't think I am saying that.

But I think you have your own .. self, and they are trying to pull you in opposite directions.

And it's fucking confusing you emotionally
Tiffany and Ramsay says:
If they left you alone to sort shit out, I so think you'd be happy

<3'
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Gauge out my eyes and sing me hateful lullabies
Date: Jun 13th, 2008 4:04:38 pm - Subscribe
Mood: screwed


This is so very typical.
No one's around when I need to talk to someone.

:(

Oh, and I forgot to mention... Friday the 13th.
In many recent years gone by, I thought all the hype was for nothing. Guess my luck's changed.
Comments: (1)

Not mine, but i can so relate
Date: Jun 12th, 2008 3:28:22 pm - Subscribe
Mood: meh
Music: Coldplay - Viva La Vida

'Do you know what it's like to lose a part of your life? Unwillingly at that. When you've fought so hard... just to get it all ripped away.

Now I am drinking away my problems with a friend who I havn't talked to since sophomore year and we are sitting on the train tracks over the river.

Watching the water run beneath us it's not moving fast but it's moving.. the same with my life lately.

I lost him... I hope not forever. We were meant to be. He was the one. He still loves me "More than a friend but not as much as I used to".

It's all my fault, I let him go the first time.

I've cried for over twenty four hours straight my eyes are swollen and I don't want to live anymore. I don't want to cry or think about him either.

It shouldn't be this hard ever. I want to go back in time I love him so much. I get so frustrated.

Okay so I am drunk and this is why I am telling you all this but I don't think anyone knows what it's like to be me lately. Nothing in my life is what I thought it was.

Everything is falling apart and I can't put it back together. I am trying so hard. I just need a little help.

While we were sitting on that bridge we were talking while drinking down beer and sipping cheap vodka, you know the kind you buy for about ten dollars and you just mix it with gatorade like it's high school all over again.

We were just sitting there on the tracks taking rocks and seeing how far we could throw them... not as far as our softball days. We were talking about life, boys, school, and the past. And then we both got really quiet not an awkward quiet but a peaceful quiet. And then I found myself thinking how I wouldn't really mind all that much if a train came right now... I would do one of two things.

I would either sit there with my head down and drink my bud light or I would step aside and jump on it and go where ever it takes me. Far away hopefully.

I would love to disappear for a while and show up a whole new person, learning from different experiences. I want to work on a farm and fall in love with someone random just to leave a few days later. I want to kiss a boy from every state, and meet a cute stranger in the train station and have him buy me dinner... I want to make someone fall in love with me and ruin them the way you did me. Ruin them for anyone else so that they can never love fully again, you stole my heart and not in the cute sense of the phrase.

But you stole apart of me and I want it back.'
Comments: (1)

Found this on one of my olddd xanga's
Date: May 21st, 2008 8:32:18 pm - Subscribe
Mood: unloved
Music: Paramore

echoes, silence, patience and grace

i don't understand why people would choose power and money over love. this world is built on love. love is the hope of tomorrow. love doesn't destroy the lives of thousands. it doesn't corrupt lives. power does. money can. i don't understand how we can let such unintelligent people make decisions for us. i don't understand their plans. how necessary is it for a world government? how important can that be, when our world is dying. why do we need possessions, trivial things, land, money, power? we have love. we have everything we need. we shouldn't change a thing.

we should be trying to save the world, its beauty and nature and origin. we shouldn't be trying to take it over, to rule it. we shouldn't exploit it and destroy it. we're bringing the world to its end before its time is even done. we're destroying ourselves and what we should be standing for. we should take care. of the world, of ourselves and of each other.

these people don't need more land to rule. they need functioning hearts. they need sense. they need to be straightened out. and if we're going to let these people take over our world just to feel powerful and earn money, then we're the ones in need of sense. we're in a horrible situation, and no one's doing anything about it. love is the only thing that can save us. have heart, be brave. stand your ground, stand for something good. we're losing our grace.



music is the only thing that ever really makes sense to me anymore.
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A jumble of things
Date: May 16th, 2008 10:52:13 pm - Subscribe
Mood: abandoned
Music: TGMT - Time to Pretend

'Blank and I have been broken up since Septemberish... it was my fault.

I have regretted it for a while. But we were like in one of those "It's complicated" type of relationships.

It seems when one person is ready for a relationship the other isn't.

It's funny how things work out like that.

Today we were at his house just hanging out and we started talking about us. What is going to happen why is it weird? Can we fix it?

His idea was to break up for good and see if we can fix it that way but I told him the truth, if you break this up for good I won't be able to talk to you for a while. I mean a while. He didn't like that idea.

He said "I love you, I want this to be better, and I need you in my life but I am not ready for this relationship to be real again because we both have to figure ourselves out".

I agree.

I cried, a lot. He did too. We realized breaking up wouldn't fix us. We had to let down our walls. What happened to us over this past year. We spent three years happily together. We never even fought.

We were perfect. I still think we can be.'

I remember feeling like that with Richard. I miss those days... terribly.


Need I say I love you
Need I say I care
Need I say the emotions,
Something we dont share
I dont want to be sitting here
Trying to deceive you
Cos you know I know baby
That I dont wanna go.

We cannot live together
We cannot live apart
Thats the situation
Ive known it from the start
Every time that I look at you
I can see the future
Cos you know I know babe
That I dont wanna go.

Throwing it all away
Throwing it all away
Is there nothing that I can say
To make you change your mind
I watch the world go round and round
And see mine turning upside down
Youre throwing it all away.

Now who will light up the darkness
Who will hold your hand
Who will find you the answers
When you dont understand
Why should I have to be the one
Who has to convince you
Cos you know I know baby
That I dont wanna go.

Someday youll be sorry
Someday when youre free
Memories will remind you
That our love was meant to be
Late at night when you call my name
The only sound youll hear
Is the sound of your voice calling
Calling after me.

Just throwing it all away
Throwing it all away
Theres nothing I can say
Were throwing it all away
Yes were throwing it all away...

That's how i feel about a lot of people in my life.
I don't see why petty differences have to spoil the bigger, more important stuff. Like keeping me alive.


Terrible thoughts. I love him so stupidly much, but...

I want things.
Things I can't have, in the here and now, with him...
Like travel,
like move out quickly,
like rely on when he'll be done work.

It seems so selfish, to take something so perfect, and question it based on my own petty selfish needs.

I wish I were lonesomely wandering the world, shacked up in a shanty in some obscure part of the globe, far from the mundaneness of the digital world of the west.

I hate this valuation system that us westerners have, who's to say that a writer is less important than an accountant, and a teacher makes less than an electrician?

I want common sense, and to be taken seriously as a human being... to escape these false hopes and dreams and aspirations, that in all actuality only belong to my parents, my grandparents, my tormentors...

I want to have my perfect world, without the pain of building it myself.

I've felt like that before, I have some of those feelings about the world.


http://www.aeonity.com/aya

And that's a link to feelings i have felt.



I know, i'm not exactly sharing my own.
It's scary.
Sometimes it feels like a punch in my stomach, the one's that can knock you into the next week.
Sometimes it's the sick feeling in my throat that I can't get rid of for hours.
Sometimes it's when I can't concentrate or be productive. I wanted to write, proper writing. Like how I used to.

I was in the kitchen earlier, pouring myself some smoothie when I glanced at the window and saw spidey; spidey with a message.
I willed him to whisper what it was, but I knew he thought it was too dangerous to.
We're all living our risky lives at the minute, and he knew it was another risk he didn't want me to take, not now.
Spidey was the only creature left to want to protect me.

I'm closing all the high-security walls down further and further.
They'd already reached the bottom depths of Hell, but they're really far rooted now.
This is it now; the end.

It's funny how earlier, I was thinking about the Carmine Evangelic writings, I wanted to write some more.
Right now, it's the one where Carmine's on the edge of the cliff.

Plox pleh em.
No one hears me.

this is how it should be.
i want to lose myself in the music. disappear from this world.
i want to forget the moment. escape the now. be free.
i want to be in the big moving crowd, a part of the mass.
swinging my head back and forth, my body made of sweat,
of dance, of freedom, of love. my heart singing with joy.

this is how it is.
i'll curl up in bed, the window wide-open, even if it lets
the spiders in, 'cause i need the air, i can't breathe.
i'll read. i'll read. the clock will turn one. two. three.
i'll fall into a light feverish sleep, tossing back and forth.
and then i'll wake up. sweaty, and warm, and i'll have
to hang out of the wide-open window to calm down.
i'll get back into bed, clutching my stomach, tears rolling
down my cheeks in desperation, anxiety and longing.
where are you when i need you?




"At this moment there are 6,470,818,671 people in the world. Some are running scared. Some are coming home. Some tell lies to make it through the day. Others are just now facing the truth. Some are evil men, at war with good. And some are good, struggling with evil. Six billion people in the world. Six billion souls. And sometimes -- all you need is one."

theend.
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ehlpe
Date: May 12th, 2008 9:31:46 am - Subscribe
Mood: isolated


humidity.
tears.
not being arsed.
pushing people further and futher away.
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Still trying to take it in..
Date: May 11th, 2008 9:44:32 pm - Subscribe
Mood: grr


'The 'plan', the allusions to the plan (to others) and your intense need to feel..."owned" perhaps (?) by another...still all indicate to me that you don't truly want to die.

Seriously, there are many, many people who would like to have you (including me) for various reasons. Some to use you, some to protect you and some for all things in between, but none of those implies true love - particularly in the idealized, romantic-sense you demand.

You say you want to help people, too, just not yourself. In the end selflessness isn't really helping anyone except those that don't need it but want to use you anyway.

Blah, blah - I've said bunches in similar vein before with no effect. So something new. Clearly I don't know you well at all - I just know you're intelligent and require drama - so let's start with correcting that and leave the suicide thing for later, shall we?

Maybe you could come visit Jen and I this summer? Act like an au pair if you want. I can't promise tons of attention will be lavished on you because Jen and I live busy, complicated lives, and lots of stuff is yet to be done this summer, (and I'd have to enforce a 'no boys' clause on you and demand you make liberal use of toys instead,) but as long as you don't kill yourself or get pregnant or fall in love here I think it could be entertaining for all.

I'd just have to ask Jen.'
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diathesis stress
Date: May 10th, 2008 9:47:52 pm - Subscribe
Mood: important


I don't even know why i'm trying.
I don't want to be saved, yet that's all i'm seeming to try and get to. (human mechanism, i suppose.)
A date is nearing to be set.

I called Richard a piss taker today.
Was telling Becki about him.
He's still ignoring me.
Sits there on msn like...
And no replies to texts.

I honestly wish there was someone.
Someone.
Just anyone.
There's no one.
Nothing.

It's not me thinking like 'that.'
It's not at all.
It's the truth.
If there was something, someone.. anything at all; they'd reach out to me.
There'd be something.
It's not like i'm hiding it well anymore. People can tell.

I've tried all the help there is.
Okay, apart from one variant form.
I will have to die before they try that. I will never.
It goes against my ethics. Against anything i believe in.

There's so much I have left to say, and no one to say it to.
It's frustrating to say the least.

'We'll make 16 together.' I remember that. I remember everything. I hate remembering every word.
I hate all the corruption, all the rotting. All of everything.

Anyways, me being all electic; I take to the diathesis stress model.
[taken from a website:]

The diathesis-stress model is a psychological theory that explains behaviour as both a result of biological and genetic factors ("nature"), and life experiences ("nurture"). This theory is often used to describe the pronunciation of mental disorders, like schizophrenia, that are produced by the interaction of a vulnerable hereditary predisposition, with precipitating events in the environment. This theory was originally introduced as a means to explain some of the causes of schizophrenia (Zubin & Spring, 1977).

Vulnerability / predisposition
In the diathesis-stress model, a non-biological or genetic vulnerability or predisposition (diathesis) interacts with the environment and life events (stressors) to trigger behaviors or psychological disorders. The greater the underlying vulnerability, the less stress is needed to trigger the behavior/disorder. Conversely, where there is a smaller genetic contribution greater life stress is required to produce the particular result. Even so, someone with a diathesis towards a disorder does not necessarily mean they will ever develop the disorder. Both the diathesis and the stress are required for this to happen.


Reformulation
The diathesis-stress model has been reformulated in the last 20 years as the stress-vulnerability-protective factors model, particularly by Dr. Robert P. Liberman and his colleagues in the field of psychiatric rehabilitation.


Effects
This model has had profound benefits for people with severe and persistent mental illnesses. It has stimulated research on the common stressors that people with disorders such as schizophrenia experience. More importantly, it has stimulated research and treatment on how to mitigate this stress, and therefore reduce the expression of the diathesis, by developing protective factors. Protective factors include rigorous and nuanced psychopharmacology, skill building (especially problem solving and basic communication skills) and the development of support systems for individuals with these illnesses. Even more importantly, the stress-vulnerability-protective factors model has allowed mental health workers, family members, and clients to create a sophisticated personal profile of what happens when the person is doing poorly (the diathesis), what hurts (the stressors), and what helps (the protective factors). This has resulted in more humane, effective, efficient, and empowering treatment interventions.



And there's some education.
some knowledge.
some insight.
please let me explain this to you. please let me talk.

I don't want to die alone.
I rly don't.

ploxplehem.

I've not been concentrating on my work or anything.
Getting through a minute is sometimes all i can do.
Listening to songs.. just simply thinking.. it all sets me off.
I'm not strong anymore.
I am strong.
You wouldn't understand unless you let me talk.

plox.
plox.
plox.
plox.
plox.
plox.

:(

i can't apologise or anything until you listen.
until you let me talk.
a few entries back (read, if you can't remember)
i asked you to set me free.
to let me be free.
free from the lies and everything.
you're not letting it happen.
so that's why i keep trying and trying.

both you and HER.
you're not making much effort.
you both say 'we'll work something out' yet nothing goes forwards from there.
you, you keep telling me i should give you help in sorting things out.
you're the one who's got us here, you need to do it yourself.
i am..
i need peace.
some ending from you.
i need to be free.
seriously, can you not understand that?

and all the time living here, in fear when the next time will be.
you know what i'm talking about.
and my mother's condition.. i wish i could share that with someone.
i mean, your mother...
you know.
why can't i talk to you?
just cause you're pissed off with some name calling.
there are much worse things in life.

i need to go.
i can't hurt myself with this any longer.

please talk to me.
please.
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taken from a myspace bulletin...
Date: May 10th, 2008 9:21:41 am - Subscribe
Mood: useful


again; this is not exactly how i feel. But i thought i'd paste it because it's ... I want to be able to express like she does:

i fucking hate you. i can't stand you.

you go on living your god damn perfect little life, controlling everyone around you while i had to spend to many fucking nights crying myself to sleep.

what the hell is wrong with you?
i've tried to supress it. ignore it. look the other way.

but nothing has worked.

every single fucking day you haunt me in the back of my mind.

no matter how happy the people around me make me feel,
in the end, i always end up thinking about the shit you've done to me.

and the best part, i'm sure you've already forgotten me.

i guess four years of promises means nothing, huh?
four years of telling me that you love me.

that you want to take me away and be with me.

that you were moving far away but you'd wait for me.

WHAT THE HELL!?

and once again i find myself sitting here lying.

telling myself that its out of my control.

the past is the past and there's no changing it.

but dammit, i can't help but feel the constant pain that you've brought to me.

its a curse i will never be free of. there's no cure. not even a relief.

i turn a corner and there you are.

sitting there talking to a whole crowd of
little whores just waiting to be your next doll.

a fucking .5 second glance and you've got me in a mental breakdown.

i fell apart completely in every sense of the word.

i was destroyed and back to square one for all to see.

there just aren't anymore words to describe how i feel.

and the sad part is, i know that if you saw me, you'd fucking laugh in my face.

fuck you, fucking cuntface son of a bitch.
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ghhhhh
Date: May 9th, 2008 11:26:58 pm - Subscribe
Mood: overwhelmed


Ok, clearly this is where the writing doesn't stop.
Woke up this morning... blood. But it's heavy, REALLY heavy. I feel like i'm screwing up my insides. Everything everyone has done is rotting me.

I'm sure richard had one or two meddlers comments when he wrote stuff like this on OD.

Help me help me help me.
It's sad, but this is the only form of.. expression i have left. The only something.
Words are never enough though.

I don't want to be saved, though.
Yes, I may really want to; but it can't happen, I won't let it happen.

And the only reason I have public entries is because there's one person who sometimes reads this.
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untitled
Date: May 8th, 2008 9:44:36 pm - Subscribe
Mood: fragile


Pushing everyone further and further away; this is where the real deal starts.
And this is the part where I wish someone would break the walls and rescue me; save me from the ... the end.

And it all erupts into an argument, it's my way of saying 'i love you, please help me, please help.. please'

-------

so tonight's events have proven a rough death toll for me.
alright, no more will be spoken. not until i have something.
maybe this is where the writing stops?
who knows..
Comments: (1)

Little update
Date: May 7th, 2008 4:51:38 pm - Subscribe
Mood: violated
Music: The Ting Tings - That's Not My Name

I used to love the world, I mean I used to look forward to the summer; to brighter days and longer ones. I used to appreciate the sights and smells of summer; the lights and buzz everywhere I went.
But now; quite frankly put by Fall Out Boy:

Been looking forward to the future
When my eyesight is going bad
In these crystal balls
It's always cloudy
Except when you look into the past
One night stand
(One night stand)

One night and one more time
Thanks for the memories
Even though they weren't so great

Nothing is enjoyable, nothing is right at all. There's nothing there anymore; there's nothing left. Everyone else knows this, but they just stand by and watch the show; no one does anything to help, in fact, they only make things worse.
Lonnie posted a myspace bulletin last night; it was on Social Psychology and the conformity studies we did last year in Psychology. Another person who believes human nature is far crueler than it should be, and something should be done about it.

I'm so fat. I rly am gaining a lot of weight, it's disgusting, rly.
I'm starting to want... you know.

I just have to set a date.


-----

spent the afternoon with clare.
painted my nails.
did a fractional amount of work.
lost myself staring at the sky and the sunset.
i have tons of pictures to upload, only uploaded that one below; yesterday.

mock exam for english lit tomorrow. we have 30 mins for lunch instead of 45.
i cannot be arsed. i know what the end result's going to be anyway.

he goes and blabs.
she goes and tells lies about not telling him, and blabs.
i had enough, she's gone.

this bxtch won't take it anymore.

anyway, i am off to bed.
after a shower.

pain all over again.
Comments: (3)

fxck
Date: May 6th, 2008 10:06:44 pm - Subscribe
Mood: wishful
Music: nineteen - tegan and sara

today was just one of those days, i mean; one of THOSE.
Hm, see... why do people actually use stupid terms like 'one of those.' One of what?
I guess i'm ranting because i'm fed up. I'm sick with the world and I used to think I could help with the change of the way we think; the way we are, the way everything is.
A little bit of a MAJOR Zeitgeist would come in handy right now. kthnx.

Sigh, anyway; today.
It... it felt like... summer.
I am trying to get it all out, but something is trying to make me repress.
I know what that something is. Maybe I shouldn't. Maybe if I say it, it'll make it easier for me to stay. And I can't stay.

I'll try.
Today.. just happened to feel different. I remember the summer confidence and thrill of '06.
I remember the plans of summer '07.
Today felt like summer isn't too far ahead; and brought both positive and negative feelings.
I know what I have to do, and summer is making it harder. I can't let it win, not this time.
Songs and words express what I should be keeping locked inside. The natural process of getting rid of unhealthiness is taking over, using defence mechanisms and fake smiles to make sure i get there. i've gotta fight it; it can't win, it won't.

And because of the heat, my scratches, cuts and bruises feel ten times worse.
And I feel like having a million cold/lukewarm showers, but i know even those won't rid me of this. I'm unclean (and not in the Biblical sense) and it will never go away; never be released.
I just need to set a date, that's all.

Today I accomplished more work than I have done so in the past 5 days or so. I turned up for classes and took that mock exam (although I know i've done well crap.)
I sat in the library and caught up with English lit past exam papers, and read my Psychology notes.
I felt the heat of the warm, radiating sun. I could see the brightness; lightness all around. I heard the shrill summer laughter and heightened spirited conversations. I could smell summer. I could taste it, it was all around. Everywhere.
See how hard it's going to be.

It's rather sickening. Today; they're acting like nothing much happened last weekend.
She even asked 'can I have some of the chocolate i got you for your birthday?'
I mean, why even ask? It's not like i have any privacy or anything. It's not like i have anything. Why not go ahead, go straight into my room and go through all my stuff again to get some chocolate?
After all, they're yours aren't they?
Fxck fxck fxck fxck fxck.
I should stop writing now.
All my bruises and cuts are hell, my body feels like hell. My eyes just want to close, my mind just wants to rest. Not that it will, ever.
I just want this headache and heat and stress and pain and bruises and fxcking everything to just go away. Leave.
Leave me, or i'll leave anyway. I will soon enough.

I want...



I don't want to want or need.


If I continue, i'll end up being like the rest of everyone else. Social norms, social exploitation, socially acceptable means of self destruction so it's in plain sight. They'll label me, lock me away.
Drink, smokes, sex, drugs, whoring, self harm.

See what will happen to me?


(I am in no way smoking, there. Not yet.)

And, if you read this (you'll know who you are) thanks for the picture comment. However, i've placed better pictures on my myspace now. More fitting.

Ily.
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miss brightside
Date: May 4th, 2008 5:33:25 pm - Subscribe
Mood: courageous
Music: summer skin - death cab for cutie

this makes me sick to my stomach,
to know that they... they spent their entire time at his place, in his bed, having sex all over his place.
all the time..
in his shower.
his clothes.

and all the time they were having fun, i went through hell.
i repressed so much and i'm now only barely living on slightly more than the bare instincts.
i almost fully self-destructed with absolutely no one around.
yet he was around; they WERE around.
'he's in the shower' she typed to her, on one of the days.
and they talked about marriage and everything.

i now have to hear about my last chance through a third source; through her minimal descriptions of conversations, just trying to get the basics out of her.
i didn't let my final chance just go; i put up a fight. the fight that ended all fights.
and now, i know what i have to do. there is only one thing left to do.

Heart pills, caffeine-related drinks and a single phone call.
preferrably an evening/night.

sigh.
this entry wasn't supposed to start from that direction.
parts of my entire body ache; my ribs hurt when i breathe, the back of my legs, my arms, my shoulders and the left side of my neck..
i keep thinking to myself 'my sacrifice is everyone else's pleasure.'
i used to believe that i should be selfless and help everyone else; but then, i never got any help, not even a glimpse of REAL hope. i've never gotten anything from anyone except abuse and expectations to just give, give and give without any taking. no love, no life, superficial life; superficial smiles.
now i believe the ultimate sacrifice is essential. then maybe SOME people may hear.

even today, heard her talking on the phone (she doesn't think about how loud she's coming across.) every word was selfish, every single word. the rest was superficial. that's what everyone really is in this world, not matter what their claims.

after returning back home, i started to get on with my work.
sort out my ucas stuff.
but then, she had to go through my stuff in my room. 'i don't trust you,' she came out with.
Well fxcking bitch, i've never trusted you.

it was then that i realised (a few minutes later..) that nothing can be left alone with them, and, that they've turned me into a monster.
it's inevitable that if i carry on, i will end up just like them. the worst parts.
no matter how much they say you're supposed to take your own blame and responsibility for stuff, i know that all of this was not my doing; not at all, really.
not only they; but everyone and everything i have encountered in my life is a contributing factor.
some (VERY few) are counter contributions, but it's always the majority that wins in the end.

i clawed, i fought.
i held on for the kill.
my fight and flight took over.
my emotions were held back, but i could hear them pounding inside, trying to get out.
then i ran, i ran without thinking much.
secret place.
and all the while, i recieved this text:
'remember, if you heavily injure him, it was self defence and you can't get done for it.'
wrong person, it wasn't him; it was her.

7 whole hours spent where it was cool, and my body was getting cold. 1 hour of which i had to shelter from the heavy rain.
cold and wet.
and even now (as then,) i cannot bring the tears out of my eyes.
they form but they are trapped.
everything is trapped until i die.
and he never responded to my pleas to help.
the text i just told you about was the last thing i recieved from him.
and now, if i see him before i leave; i'll be saying, 'forget about it now, it's all over and not even you can save me.'
i know he'll feel guilty, but then, everyone is guilty.

and so i gave in,
went back and went for a shower at 12am,
the bruises and cuts (on my arms especially) stung like hell.
they wouldn't let me sleep,
they argued and argued when i was weak.
although, they did let me eat.

anyway; separately:

let me be free,
just let me free from this lie.
let me say the things i want/need to say without you running away, claiming it's all stupid.
let me tell you how i am better than you; i can justify my words.
let me be strong.

Stand up;
stand up and take it like a man.
Comments: (1)

Trying
Date: Apr 29th, 2008 8:10:33 pm - Subscribe
Mood: stuck


I'm trying, I really am.
Everything's just a funking phase, though.
It's like, when i'm arsed; it's all good and I can do things, and i'm determined.
When I fall, and crash and burn; it's totally different. Everything's a chore, everything looks gray and the cycle of impending doom returns.
I can't break the cycle either, if I do it only returns.

I want to take better care of myself, and I want to lose some weight. Regulate a more balanced and healthy diet/lifestyle. Which means exercise as well, or SOMETHING to get me fitter and feeling better.
I should start sleeping at normal hours and actually put effort into my work.
I should seek help, the help I desperately need.

As he rightly said,
"she loves and cares about no one, not at the moment; not even herself.
when she learns to appreciate herself and who she is, she'll learn to appreciate others, and care and love."

Sigh.
How long have I known all of this, though?
How many times have I tried?
How much longer am I going to have to take this to be able to get further?

I maybe need a push;
I know what this is really all about.
No, not just chemical imbalances..