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jessiebell
Chemical imbalances - Subscribe
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It's kinda funny; I remember trying to get over Rich by saying that everything was all just a bunch of chemical reactions in the body that didn't really matter and all this shit that was happening was just because the substances inside me were in chaos. That was 3 years ago now, and I still haven't learnt that all of that is true. Okay, I do know it; and I know of more than I used to know about it. But if we're all just a bunch of neurotransmitters, hormones and other stuff, then what's the point in feeling upset; or even happy for that matter? The bigger picture doesn't really correlate from the smaller ones. Anyway, the reason why I haven't written in here for long is because I moved out & we have dial up & i've been using myspace blogs rather than this, i guess. Last night just reinforced the chemical imbalance idea. I know that that's what's making me really depressed and stuffs. Yet there are social and a lot of other impacts to consider. It's all rather strange; but we do it. This was just somethin' quick. I better go. And to the person who left a comment on my last entry; sorry I haven't got back to you yet. |
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jessiebell
Plox Apr 10th, 2008 7:13:05 pm - Subscribe
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I hate sick feelings. This one in particular. Knowing that my parents can't have a civil conversation with me, knowing that i'm going to have to scream and shout and cry until I can't breathe; just to keep myself alive. It's a really bad feeling; it runs through all of me, to the core. I really fear that one more push to the dark side will be the last, that i'll never ever make it out again because I've had enough. I really have, I don't know how much more of it i'm capable of dealing with; of getting myself out of. I've always been on my own through everything, pretty much. I'm sick of it, sick of doing things alone. I don't want it to hurt anymore. I think I've been trying to find peace for a long time now, peace in being alone, peace in death, peace in being strong. But it always gets knocked down. I wish I had something, I don't know; just something. I feel all shivery and scared. A hidden chill. If i imagine the worst happening, it won't happen; will it? |
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jessiebell
Birthday weekend. Apr 12th, 2008 5:44:25 pm - Subscribe
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It always happens. It's something about me and the people I attract. It's horrible and I don't like it. Yesterday, i wanted to write something badly; about this uneasy feeling. About some relief, about something. Apparently, it seems like I needed that feeling; a little love which made me stop the writing (in mid paralysis.) I need a lot of love, really. I think that idea keeps me going. I honestly think so, and I don't know why. I guess I have an idea, i'm not prepared to share that though. Anyhow, the birthday weekend's cool so far. Hang out at Mel's in Telford M&S birthday cake/traditional stuffs Meal Wii Eng lit coursework Revision Movie? Dye hair red. I'm scared of people around me dying. A bit earlier, she said she was feeling unwell. She's never (hardly ever) unwell. Saw her sleeping after she got back from work, she wasn't moving. Panic struck. It's the same feeling I got when I was waiting for that call between 4-5 years ago. I hated answering the phone, I hated the wait. But anyways. HELLO!? do you think I am stupid? It's like, 'mister, get you're fucking act together and get it fucking right or you'll fucking pay for it; hear me?' Not trusting him stresses me out, and not being able to have that because he's not even trying. I was perfectly fine this morning; then he has to arouse suspicion and create this feeling. He breaks it, yet he makes it again. Bloody 'ell. And it's not something I can't think about. It's too annoying, it needs sorting but not on my part. Maybe i'm a little too paranoid, though. Doesn't excuse him though. He knows all of this. It's been repeated. Sigh. On to something better though. I woke up at seven. I actually did! I felt so good, i haven't slept properly in about a month now, until last night. The rain and shite of the day didn't even bother me. Until him of course. I'm not letting it get to me, but it will have affected me somehow. maybe there's a hope, maybe; just maybe. One day. |
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jessiebell
Contrastss Apr 15th, 2008 11:17:07 pm - Subscribe
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I want it to stop. I want it to end. I just want it to stop. Please just stop? Why can't it stop? Those thoughts keep running through every part of my aching body. Pain surges through me like a thousand knives stabbing my heart and the strong pulse inside rages like a violent volcano on the verge of eruption. It's not anger of feeling like this though; it's more frustration of feeling like this for days (maybe weeks) and the excruciating pain. meh, i can't continue with this. it's hard. on top of an english lit re-write and all this tiredness. he'll understand if i ask for the extension til Thursday. he actually mentioned it himself, 'i'm not too bothered if i get some in on thursday the latest.' I have english lit @ 9 tomorrow, so it's not like i can do anything much about it now. i'm so tired. <3 |
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jessiebell
Senses twisting Apr 18th, 2008 10:22:43 pm - Subscribe
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The tears; they flow so fast. Like a sudden heavy rain, beating down hard. They roll down my face, some even down my neck. I feel each one, each little bit of salty water rushing out to escape. Escape the pain that's left inside, it's stuck and it feels as if it's permanent. Telling myself it's just my hormones. But then again, it's just as bad as when hormones aren't an issue. I feel like the mask is painfully dissolving. I was just crying when Kat walked in on me and I had to run into the bathroom hiding my face. I don't know, it's like I didn't even try to hide it. I want to trust, i want to love. I want to be saved from the pain, to not let it consume me over and over again. Maybe strength will die at some point, and then I won't know what to do except take drastic measures. But to know that there's no one there for you, to know no one ever has really been; it feels like it's just so much more easier and maybe more worthwhile to let the pain take over. I wish I had something. And they say you have to feel some self-worth. But what about the people who are supposed to make you feel worthy? And it's a funny coincidence when ex's are involved. You're quietly thinking to yourself about this sense of worth issue and in she comes with exactly what you're thinking about. Maybe they're plotting something, planning to do this so they can be rid of me for good. See, trust matters. And it's his actions. What he doesn't do, how he is. What she said. don't let it get to you. |