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jessiebell
What is wrong with me. - Subscribe
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Seriously, i'm sick of this feeling. It all comes back to this stupid cycle. And effing hell, writing this is goign to take forever since i can't stop crying. The tears won't stop. :/ I don't; i really don't want to do it anymore. I remember hearing something, ''the way you feel when you're young, is the way you feel when you're old.'' And well, Rich says it'll always be inside. It always will. And, this ismy frustration. All of what's inside. It'll never leave, it won't stop; (maybe only temporarily) but i basically can't ever be happy. I'm not meant to be. I wanted to call richard, but i couldn't. I can't let him save me all thetime, i don't want to be saved. wasn't it just the other week that he had to help me see the light? 'because the future isn't shit. you'll go to uni and i'll visit, naturally. It'll be freedom, and i know you'll get there.' I hate myself. I hate myself for going through this all the time. For not being able to control it. For everything i do to others. I suck. ''you're better off without me'' (this is starting to sound like the me that existed years ago.) *sighj* i just don't know. (I know my spelling sucks. i'm still crying so..) |
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jessiebell
Bulletin a friend posted on myspace Feb 20th, 2008 7:21:51 pm - Subscribe
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i hate it when you have to lie and say your ok when your not. i hate it when you someone say's they love you. but they dont i hate it when friends say they'll be there for you. but there not. i hate it when you finally think you've found yourself. but you havent, i hate it when you have to post a bulletin to show how you feel yet it never makes you feel any better. |
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jessiebell
sigh Feb 22nd, 2008 4:55:51 pm - Subscribe
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I'm sitting here with two bottles of strawberry flavoured water and Andrew McMahon - I Need You on repeat. :( I stayed up till half twelve last night, when i could have easily done all my work and gone to bed by ten or something. I was actually trying to punish myself. At least I got most of the sickness out of my system, the cold is actually a bit better. I really hate myself. I don't want to go through this, not again. I've been fighting it all week, i even got the extra strength from Rich's reassurance on Sunday/Monday night. But this is inevitable, meh. I can't do this. I just can't. I know, Richard's calling tonight & he'll make it feel okay... until the next time. I hate this. I hate it. I just hate this. Why does he believe in me so much? ''I can't imagine you not getting in. X'' I don't deserve him. And i rly feel like pushing him away. I want to, i need to. Only to end it. But that's not going to happen. Sickofitall. :( |
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jessiebell
'sleep and find sanity' Feb 23rd, 2008 5:42:22 pm - Subscribe
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i feel like a burden on people again. :( i need to write, but i can't because i'm distancing myself. didn't i write just yesterday? i'm writing too much again which means it's bad. i want to write but i can't. i guess i should start with what happened. what happened was; i've been continuing to kill myself. i kept doing it yesterday too. i was so close to getting out of going to my mum's friend's place. i admit, it was weird for her to be calling us over (the whole family) for dinner. sigh. why did i give in? why. why. why? dad said we were only going for dinner and coming back pretty much straight after. i contested, i felt he'd go back on his word like he ALWAYS does. and so, i felt tons sick. i got in the car, was half zombie-like on the way there. Fake smiles. Fake fitting in. It was clearly apparent i didn't belong there. There wasn't just us. There was their family too. So, talking with maria; found out she did that character based on me for her drama thing. my god. and she has her drama teacher at uni called Paris who's 42 & makes them do 10 hours of training a week, and she just kept going on and on and on. :| and so, by the end of it all. the men ate dinner first, which was odd; i thought. then us. and there were strange women. and they kept talking about ghosts and spiritual experiences. they're all religious. and hm. attitudes of different people. and i was half falling asleep. maria's mum kept shoving food in everyone's plates. it was tortorous, it was coming up to 9:30 we were supposed to be home already, i was getting a build up of anger inside. anger because i was sick & all i wanted to do was to get into bed and go to sleep, anger because my dad HAD once again gone back on his word. I KNEW IT i knew it, i did. *breathes* so then, eventually (at about 10:30) we get forced to eat cake. so THAT WAS IT. the reason. the whole effing bloody point to being there. and we were only just discovering it when the night was large. i did text rich, flung all my emotions onto him. i know, i suck. i was pushing him away. i think i pissed him off a little. he wanted to call me; we were waiting to do what was supposed to happen for a couple of weeks or so now. last week got interrupted by family, of course. at one point, i even told him to leave me alone. he knew i didn't mean it though, thank god. or i don't know what i'd do. and he was like, ''If i was there, i'd give you a hug and stay up too x'' because yeah, i was punishing myself again & trying to stay up late even though i was sick. he also said i was in a ''silly, self pitying mood'' & i shouldn't ''let family shit get to me. i should rise above it.'' and i'm like, well that's what i've been doing for months, and i'm sick of it. i can't do it anymore. i can't do it anymore, can i? so anyways, i went to sleep until about 4. couldn't go back to sleep, wanted to feel. i ended up listening to depressing songs and crying a lot. and today's no better. today i feel like i need to die. i'm pushing people away and i don't like it. i don't like anything. anything at all. ... :( |