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jessiebell
First Entries. - Subscribe
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I am not new. I used to be under the name lovexhate. Buuut, i needed a change. So here i am. :]] Andwell, jessiebell is another nickname. haha. Not a well known one though. Just wish i didn't feel so crap. I don't know, i'm all empty again and it sucks. :/ It needs to get better, it really does. Today, they were shoving pieces of paper about university applications and the points system. It's actually quite scary to be honest. I don't want to think about it, but it's so close. In the next year i've gotta know what i'm doing for the rest of my life. Pretty soon, college will be over & done with. Blahh.. That's why i wanted to be educated in Sweden. They have an awesome system there. The US isn't bad, but they don't have all the vocational courses at age 16 + I don't know what i'd do without Psychology, though. : P In fact, we were all talking in General about the education thing. Tony Blair/Gordon Brown are going to abolish all normal schools and make academys. Then school will be compulsory until 18. eek. In some ways it is good, i suppose. Butyeah, college is totally good for the person, truly. I'm in love with someone. But it sucks because they....well, lets just say it will never happen. Maybe the sex will, but that's about it. And, being alone is never a good thing, aye? Now i've regained feeling, it hurts so much. It does. :/ Well anyways, I am too stupidly uncool to ever have anyone. Richard is no longer talking, probably the mail I sent. haha. Of course i love him, just; if he really feels the same, then he should be able to leave -her.- Soyeah, i'll be alone forever. Just gotta learn to accept it. I have an ICT deadline in a week, and i'm nowhere near finished. I should get on with it, but i'm procrastinating. Ickk, I just really can't be bothered. I want it to snowwww again!! Pretty snow. And for it to stop being so cold. Last night, I had to get up & put on my leg warmers and hoodie to bed. It's freeeeezing in my room & it's horrible. :/ Typing is a good thing. :]] we are hanging here. |
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jessiebell
What is wrong? Jan 25th, 2007 10:52:13 pm - Subscribe
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Second entry in a day. Yes, something must be wrong. I'm ready to die, i am back to unfeeling in a short space of time. It's cool really, i can let go; just, other people should let go of me too. I don't know why the future freaks me out, or why I feel sick to my stomach at the thought of being alone forever. I don't know why i can't just deal with stuff, or let go of things easily. Meh, and Richard ignoring me isn't doing me any good. I want to be with him, now. So much that i just wanna cry, my head hurts & i wanna close my eyes. I am nothing. I'll always be nothing. It happened many years ago and there's no way it can be fixed. There's nothing anymore, not even fake happiness. & i should really just stop trying. Or, i'll keep regretting. Like I regret the fact i never died when i could have last year. And my head hurts so much. And it's so cold. I want this all to be over. Because, the truth is; no matter how nicely you say things are going to get better. they never will. All that is, when people say it; is a false hope. Fakeness, an illusion. Just like love. It's a conformity of our minds. Who decided that procreation was the way to go? that there are different types of love? that love needs to exist? it doesn't really. we could live without love. if the world had never had love, then i'm sure it would be a less complex place. one less thing to worry about, i'd say. i'm making myself feel sick, but i don't care. i just want to die. more than anything, just get me out of here. and i know no one can hear my voice. my voice is tiny in the sea of a mass illusion. it's a speck, if that. I'll never be able to help anyone. anyways, i think i should stop. not that anyone's going to read this. <3 |
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jessiebell
And it feels like rain. Jan 26th, 2007 6:36:38 pm - Subscribe
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Meh. I need someone to save me, i'm not going to get out of this alone. Andyeah, i am a little "me orientated" at the minute. Doesn't mean i've forgotten about anyone. Just means i've had to stop being selfless for a while, because i'm so close to death. I'm sick of it, really. It's like i try and help the world, but when i have problems; all they do is laugh in my face & pass by. It's cool being different though. Just, with some things...well, most things that you feel isolated with. I'm such a hypocrite aswell. I've known it for a long time now, but no one listens. Then they get all surprised when i talk like this. This morning i felt so sick. I overslept & my mum was all trying to get me out of bed. I got to college 20 mins late & there was no point of me even going in. She completely left me out, just because she has favourites in the class. Ugh. Then I came home, went to bed for a while. Not in peace, of course. Mum was all fxcking around my room. Not because it needed cleaning or anything, simply just because she wanted to. Snooping around, i guess. That's why i don't keep paper journals anymore. Well, since i was 13. The dentist made my teeth bleed. ickkk. & then mum went shopping for all these unnecessary things. I obviously had to go along, thought about dying some. So I guess it was good thinking time. I don't care anymore. I just really have to die. There's nothing else. There really isn't. I'm going to be a loser all my life. Dreams will never be fulfilled because the bottom line is that they Are just dreams. " A dream is a wish the heart makes." Wishes never come true. Life means nothing & no one should have to live it. Love is a big part of life, true. But, if it never existed i'm sure the world would be better off. I mean, we'd all be dead for sure. I think i'm going to become an alcoholic & drink my problems away. Then become a whore, hooked on drugs. If it works for me, then cool. If not, i'll be even more unhealthy & dying anyways. And to the person who left me a comment on my last entry. Thanks, and i will get back to you soon. <3 |
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jessiebell
I'm Ready. Jan 27th, 2007 11:03:15 pm - Subscribe
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I have the weirdest feeling. today seems more of a blur than anything. but, i'm back with the good & less of the death. i wish i could expand on this, but inspiration has left the building. took me ages to get onto here today, seems the site was down for a while which sucks. i wanted to write, but instead i wrote this thing on myspace. lmao, i laugh at myself. i'm so pathetic. geh, my head and heart are now exhausted. i should try and get some sleep. i hope i can. i can't waste any more time though. time is precious. and even though i have monday off from college, doesn't mean i should leave it all to then. things move on, things sort themselves out. no point in having a stuck feeling. <3 |
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jessiebell
A finer feeling. Jan 29th, 2007 12:31:21 pm - Subscribe
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"One minute I can be on top of the world and the next I’m in floods of tears, but overall, I’m happy person. Regardless of how emotional I can be, I never let it show. When I’m upset I put on a face, and no one knows that I’m upset. Only my close friends usually know, and a lot of the times that’s also rare. It’s nothing personal, it’s just the way I am. But, I try to be as nice as I can and I’ll always be there for anyone with a problem. Upset me though, and I won’t be as nice, I can be a bit of a bitch, who can’t at times? Some things that you wouldn’t even think about can mean the world to me. I tend to think too much, and I worry way more than I should, I can also be a bit paranoid. Everyone has their faults, right? I care too much about things that are minor to other people, and any problem that a friend has I go out of my way to try and make it better. Without the people you love, where would you be? Who would you be? I’ve met some pretty shallow and nasty people over the years, but the ones that mean the most make them all fade away. I’ve recently realised that I want to do well in life, and I’m determined to. No matter what tries to hold me back, I’ll achieve it. I like what I like not for the trends, not to ‘fit in’, but because I like it myself. I’ve learnt that whatever knocks you down at times only makes you stronger, no matter how hard it maybe to overcome. ‘Whatever doesn’t kill us makes us stronger’. Regardless of what anyone may say, we all care about what other people think of us, although, I’m always up for a laugh even if that ends up laughing at myself. Some people are meant to stay in your life 5 mintues, 5 years or forever. But no matter how short the stay it doesn't make the goodbye any easier. You just have to tell yourself it'll be okay. No matter how long the person if with you,if they've helped you or taught you something, then it's worth something. Wherever they are, they'll be in your heart. Everyday. I have some regrets. If I was brutally honest, I probably would change some of the things that have happened in the past. But, at the end of the day, I can't, so there's no point in dwelling on it. What's done is done. Although, I can repair any damage that has been done and grow as a person, which is what I'm doing. Hopefully anyway. I've learnt alot lately, mainly from people around me and in my life. People change, things get said, hearts become broken. People seperate, but life moves on. No matter how much someone can get hurt, time never stops for anyone. You just have to swallow it and keep on going. Lately, I'm developing a more positive attitude towards things. 'Life's not always as black as it seems' Regardless of how bad the day, how low the mood, there's always someone out there that'd kill for your life. Doesn't matter about the imperfections around you, there's always someone worse off than you. That doesn't mean I don't think people have a right to get upset at times. They do. I do. We're only human. No matter how much we laugh, there will be tears at some point. Don't try to hold them back, they're meant to come. You may be the strongest person in the world but you still have the right to be upset at times. It's part of getting over things and moving on. I've discovered about myself, that it doesn't matter how big the problem is I have in my life at times, if a friend comes to me upset, then my problems get dealt with afterwards. I can never see a friend upset. And I mean never. Even if I hardly know someone, I will take the time to try and help them. Some may call it a weakness, but to me, I'm glad I can be like that. I’m a social person, I’ll talk to anyone, just about." I'm not your stereotype. I can't be defined. But yes, this was written a while back. Sometime last year. And, I feel it's relevant again. :] Oh and *screams in a field with gdc* I'M GETTING BETTERRRRRR!!! Haha, you're right. It does help. : ] can't wait to try it for real, tomorrow.  |