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jessiebell
Not mine, but i can so relate - Subscribe
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'Do you know what it's like to lose a part of your life? Unwillingly at that. When you've fought so hard... just to get it all ripped away. Now I am drinking away my problems with a friend who I havn't talked to since sophomore year and we are sitting on the train tracks over the river. Watching the water run beneath us it's not moving fast but it's moving.. the same with my life lately. I lost him... I hope not forever. We were meant to be. He was the one. He still loves me "More than a friend but not as much as I used to". It's all my fault, I let him go the first time. I've cried for over twenty four hours straight my eyes are swollen and I don't want to live anymore. I don't want to cry or think about him either. It shouldn't be this hard ever. I want to go back in time I love him so much. I get so frustrated. Okay so I am drunk and this is why I am telling you all this but I don't think anyone knows what it's like to be me lately. Nothing in my life is what I thought it was. Everything is falling apart and I can't put it back together. I am trying so hard. I just need a little help. While we were sitting on that bridge we were talking while drinking down beer and sipping cheap vodka, you know the kind you buy for about ten dollars and you just mix it with gatorade like it's high school all over again. We were just sitting there on the tracks taking rocks and seeing how far we could throw them... not as far as our softball days. We were talking about life, boys, school, and the past. And then we both got really quiet not an awkward quiet but a peaceful quiet. And then I found myself thinking how I wouldn't really mind all that much if a train came right now... I would do one of two things. I would either sit there with my head down and drink my bud light or I would step aside and jump on it and go where ever it takes me. Far away hopefully. I would love to disappear for a while and show up a whole new person, learning from different experiences. I want to work on a farm and fall in love with someone random just to leave a few days later. I want to kiss a boy from every state, and meet a cute stranger in the train station and have him buy me dinner... I want to make someone fall in love with me and ruin them the way you did me. Ruin them for anyone else so that they can never love fully again, you stole my heart and not in the cute sense of the phrase. But you stole apart of me and I want it back.' |
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jessiebell
Gauge out my eyes and sing me hateful lullabies Jun 13th, 2008 4:04:38 pm - Subscribe
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This is so very typical. No one's around when I need to talk to someone. :( Oh, and I forgot to mention... Friday the 13th. In many recent years gone by, I thought all the hype was for nothing. Guess my luck's changed. |
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jessiebell
weird how similar this is to my life Jun 21st, 2008 2:27:32 pm - Subscribe
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'You know what? I think you're too stable for both your dad and your mom. I think they are pulling you down. Like your parents are not bad people, don't think I am saying that. But I think you have your own .. self, and they are trying to pull you in opposite directions. And it's fucking confusing you emotionally Tiffany and Ramsay says: If they left you alone to sort shit out, I so think you'd be happy <3' |
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jessiebell
To be honest; Jun 24th, 2008 10:11:57 pm - Subscribe
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I've been avoiding writing much, or just avoiding issues by sticking someone else's words in here in quotes, or hardly writing anything at all. To be honest, I'm cold, turned on and kind of tired. Tired; although for most of the day I did almost nothing of greatness. Watched Juno again, listened to soundtracks, ate and.. oh, I actually started a book. Well technically, I started reading one last night; Richard Pelzer's, the one that always makes me cry reading nearly every paragraph of the first chapter. No wonder I don't get very far before I call it a night, the tears draining me so much; and I feel as if the book is too much to take. I remember thinking last night about the power of words. It's funny how you can have the same subject thoughts over again and never come to any plausible conclusion on what you were thinking about. Words are strong, words are beautiful and overflowing and sometimes can be baffling; energetic or depressing, loving or hating. Words can defuse terrible situations, words can save lives and can be open and allow your imagination to run away with you. No doubt, words can be hurtful and negative, and in some situations; just plain wrong. I've been thinking a lot about words. Words have been a core component of my survival. So you may be thinking, 'this girl's a little crazy droning on about "the power of words" and she should shut up and move on to something more interesting.' I do often ramble, but it's because I have all these words at my mind's disposal that I don't want to stop. Words can say little or a lot. Nothing or everything. I used to read a lot growing up; from as far back as the age of 2 or 3. I used to be read to, I used to learn of stories through picture books; I used to read and practice my letters of the alphabet. I remember having lots of books as a child. Many may have called me a 'bookworm' or the startings of an introvert. I remember reading all sorts. From fairytales to long poems; those 'press the buttons as you go along reading' books and the series of Goosebumps or the Wondercrump Poetry. I still have some of my old books; I started reading proper novels, aimed for more younger adults than anyone else, when I was just 9. We went to the York Dungeons in York one long weekend, I remember scoring 3 books from then. So much excitement amongst sucking on aniseeds and all those smiles. Anyway, from Dahl to Gaiman; words have inspired me, taken me away, led my imagination astray. They have helped me think of future escapes, what it can be like, what i can achieve. they've given me hope and witty one-liners and an extensive vocab amongst a lot more. And it's not only fiction, sometimes non-fiction; true tales are really nice. At one point I wanted to become a writer; my former friend Emily Heizler (who left to move to Soho... aka Solihull when we were 10) had previously published a short story book about a cat, with the guidance of her grandfather. I wanted so badly to get something of mine published but knew my ideas were far too big; and my stories were too good to really share with the world. Later on, my talent was indirectly crushed; by my parents of course. 'Writers sit around and do nothing for months until they finally get all the inspiration they need to finish a book... then, only the lucky ones get paid; because it depends on how many copies an author sells.. and you wouldn't want to take a job chancing like that.' It is true, but I've been thinking that writing could be my career. Wouldn't pay tons, unless I was well renowned like J.K. Rowling or someone. But, you know, I could try. Of course all my inspiration and constant writer's block/avoidance at this stage isn't a good sign. Nonetheless, I think if I got that help, I could do whatever I wanted. Right now it feels like the scale only has two options; seek real good help or plunge for the depths of death. I am passionate about helping others, but maybe a book is a good starting place? Psychologists are always writing self-help, parenting books, articles and others. If I could live by an ocean, or in a warm and quiet-ish little town where there were lizards and cool creatures. If I could have a guy with me, there to take in all the beauty of everything; really appreciating it. Money not being an obstacle or something we desperately need. We could grow our own food and occassionally order take out. I would love to be pregnant, have children screaming and playing about the masses of land around us. It was be awesome, inspiring; and.. this is strangely reminding me of Canada and all the sights, scenes and smells about The Rockies. Gosh, If I could; I would. P.S. (although I don't know why I am doing so on this entry..) Haven't had my period in a good close to seven weeks. :/ May have to go see a dr if nothing happens next week. Pregnancy wishes come true? Ahah. |
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jessiebell
I desire nothing more than I get, cause nothing I have is truly mine Jun 25th, 2008 3:11:07 pm - Subscribe
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I'm ridiculously honest. I close up to not get hurt. I cry at stupid things and I want to find so much good. I love more than I should love. I want to discover that it's all worth it. I want that hot chocolate we found in Canada, the one with pre-packed marshmallows that tasted oh-so gorgeous. I want poptarts or Kahlua coffee. Not alcoholic; just the flavouring. When we went to Canada when I was nine, I remember we brought back home a massive tin of the stuff. It was sad when we ran out :( Root beer would be cool too. Or entering one of those 14634636 % fattening Dairy Queen's. Sounds as if I'm missing Canada. But then again, I'd love some apple tea. It's annoying that we can't have that stuff over here. I think you can buy poptarts somewhere in Camden Market, although since it had a massive fire there last summer; I doubt most of the stall owners will be back. It's all down South anyway. Somewhere where I will be going soon enough, hopefully. But you know, I'll be a poverty ridden student. Practically anyway. I don't want to need or want. It's stupid. That's why solving and changing the way we think is something I should do before I leave here. Because i'm going to hate all I have to do otherwise. Get the help, that's what I need to do. And I don't even know why I'm turned on. I feel fat and annoyed and know I suck. I wish something was good; 'it takes 5 good things to cancel out a bad thing,' or something like that anyway. And the good things are never abundant enough. I have no reason to be alright, I deserve what I get; it's all my fault really. Just wish something was alright. I'm annoyed with myself; believing that something could be okay. I can't help thinking about what it could be like, but I doubt it'll ever happen. Click I can at least attempt all of those, but I definitely struggle with point 6 a lot. Hmm. I don't even know what I'm writing anymore. Went to bed at four this morning, got up at 9; haven't really felt tired all day. My stomach hurts. Why am I still alive? Anyway, I have a plan. Reading this book called 'Bird' tonight. Warmth, torchlight and computer conversations. It's a new thing. Until I pass out. kthenbai. <3 |