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jessiebell miss brightside - Subscribe
this makes me sick to my stomach,
to know that they... they spent their entire time at his place, in his bed, having sex all over his place.
all the time..
in his shower.
his clothes.

and all the time they were having fun, i went through hell.
i repressed so much and i'm now only barely living on slightly more than the bare instincts.
i almost fully self-destructed with absolutely no one around.
yet he was around; they WERE around.
'he's in the shower' she typed to her, on one of the days.
and they talked about marriage and everything.

i now have to hear about my last chance through a third source; through her minimal descriptions of conversations, just trying to get the basics out of her.
i didn't let my final chance just go; i put up a fight. the fight that ended all fights.
and now, i know what i have to do. there is only one thing left to do.

Heart pills, caffeine-related drinks and a single phone call.
preferrably an evening/night.

sigh.
this entry wasn't supposed to start from that direction.
parts of my entire body ache; my ribs hurt when i breathe, the back of my legs, my arms, my shoulders and the left side of my neck..
i keep thinking to myself 'my sacrifice is everyone else's pleasure.'
i used to believe that i should be selfless and help everyone else; but then, i never got any help, not even a glimpse of REAL hope. i've never gotten anything from anyone except abuse and expectations to just give, give and give without any taking. no love, no life, superficial life; superficial smiles.
now i believe the ultimate sacrifice is essential. then maybe SOME people may hear.

even today, heard her talking on the phone (she doesn't think about how loud she's coming across.) every word was selfish, every single word. the rest was superficial. that's what everyone really is in this world, not matter what their claims.

after returning back home, i started to get on with my work.
sort out my ucas stuff.
but then, she had to go through my stuff in my room. 'i don't trust you,' she came out with.
Well fxcking bitch, i've never trusted you.

it was then that i realised (a few minutes later..) that nothing can be left alone with them, and, that they've turned me into a monster.
it's inevitable that if i carry on, i will end up just like them. the worst parts.
no matter how much they say you're supposed to take your own blame and responsibility for stuff, i know that all of this was not my doing; not at all, really.
not only they; but everyone and everything i have encountered in my life is a contributing factor.
some (VERY few) are counter contributions, but it's always the majority that wins in the end.

i clawed, i fought.
i held on for the kill.
my fight and flight took over.
my emotions were held back, but i could hear them pounding inside, trying to get out.
then i ran, i ran without thinking much.
secret place.
and all the while, i recieved this text:
'remember, if you heavily injure him, it was self defence and you can't get done for it.'
wrong person, it wasn't him; it was her.

7 whole hours spent where it was cool, and my body was getting cold. 1 hour of which i had to shelter from the heavy rain.
cold and wet.
and even now (as then,) i cannot bring the tears out of my eyes.
they form but they are trapped.
everything is trapped until i die.
and he never responded to my pleas to help.
the text i just told you about was the last thing i recieved from him.
and now, if i see him before i leave; i'll be saying, 'forget about it now, it's all over and not even you can save me.'
i know he'll feel guilty, but then, everyone is guilty.

and so i gave in,
went back and went for a shower at 12am,
the bruises and cuts (on my arms especially) stung like hell.
they wouldn't let me sleep,
they argued and argued when i was weak.
although, they did let me eat.

anyway; separately:

let me be free,
just let me free from this lie.
let me say the things i want/need to say without you running away, claiming it's all stupid.
let me tell you how i am better than you; i can justify my words.
let me be strong.

Stand up;
stand up and take it like a man.
1 Comments
Mood: courageous
Music: summer skin - death cab for cutie

jessiebell fxck May 6th, 2008 10:06:44 pm - Subscribe
today was just one of those days, i mean; one of THOSE.
Hm, see... why do people actually use stupid terms like 'one of those.' One of what?
I guess i'm ranting because i'm fed up. I'm sick with the world and I used to think I could help with the change of the way we think; the way we are, the way everything is.
A little bit of a MAJOR Zeitgeist would come in handy right now. kthnx.

Sigh, anyway; today.
It... it felt like... summer.
I am trying to get it all out, but something is trying to make me repress.
I know what that something is. Maybe I shouldn't. Maybe if I say it, it'll make it easier for me to stay. And I can't stay.

I'll try.
Today.. just happened to feel different. I remember the summer confidence and thrill of '06.
I remember the plans of summer '07.
Today felt like summer isn't too far ahead; and brought both positive and negative feelings.
I know what I have to do, and summer is making it harder. I can't let it win, not this time.
Songs and words express what I should be keeping locked inside. The natural process of getting rid of unhealthiness is taking over, using defence mechanisms and fake smiles to make sure i get there. i've gotta fight it; it can't win, it won't.

And because of the heat, my scratches, cuts and bruises feel ten times worse.
And I feel like having a million cold/lukewarm showers, but i know even those won't rid me of this. I'm unclean (and not in the Biblical sense) and it will never go away; never be released.
I just need to set a date, that's all.

Today I accomplished more work than I have done so in the past 5 days or so. I turned up for classes and took that mock exam (although I know i've done well crap.)
I sat in the library and caught up with English lit past exam papers, and read my Psychology notes.
I felt the heat of the warm, radiating sun. I could see the brightness; lightness all around. I heard the shrill summer laughter and heightened spirited conversations. I could smell summer. I could taste it, it was all around. Everywhere.
See how hard it's going to be.

It's rather sickening. Today; they're acting like nothing much happened last weekend.
She even asked 'can I have some of the chocolate i got you for your birthday?'
I mean, why even ask? It's not like i have any privacy or anything. It's not like i have anything. Why not go ahead, go straight into my room and go through all my stuff again to get some chocolate?
After all, they're yours aren't they?
Fxck fxck fxck fxck fxck.
I should stop writing now.
All my bruises and cuts are hell, my body feels like hell. My eyes just want to close, my mind just wants to rest. Not that it will, ever.
I just want this headache and heat and stress and pain and bruises and fxcking everything to just go away. Leave.
Leave me, or i'll leave anyway. I will soon enough.

I want...



I don't want to want or need.


If I continue, i'll end up being like the rest of everyone else. Social norms, social exploitation, socially acceptable means of self destruction so it's in plain sight. They'll label me, lock me away.
Drink, smokes, sex, drugs, whoring, self harm.

See what will happen to me?


(I am in no way smoking, there. Not yet.)

And, if you read this (you'll know who you are) thanks for the picture comment. However, i've placed better pictures on my myspace now. More fitting.

Ily.
0 Comments
Mood: wishful
Music: nineteen - tegan and sara

jessiebell Little update May 7th, 2008 4:51:38 pm - Subscribe
I used to love the world, I mean I used to look forward to the summer; to brighter days and longer ones. I used to appreciate the sights and smells of summer; the lights and buzz everywhere I went.
But now; quite frankly put by Fall Out Boy:

Been looking forward to the future
When my eyesight is going bad
In these crystal balls
It's always cloudy
Except when you look into the past
One night stand
(One night stand)

One night and one more time
Thanks for the memories
Even though they weren't so great

Nothing is enjoyable, nothing is right at all. There's nothing there anymore; there's nothing left. Everyone else knows this, but they just stand by and watch the show; no one does anything to help, in fact, they only make things worse.
Lonnie posted a myspace bulletin last night; it was on Social Psychology and the conformity studies we did last year in Psychology. Another person who believes human nature is far crueler than it should be, and something should be done about it.

I'm so fat. I rly am gaining a lot of weight, it's disgusting, rly.
I'm starting to want... you know.

I just have to set a date.


-----

spent the afternoon with clare.
painted my nails.
did a fractional amount of work.
lost myself staring at the sky and the sunset.
i have tons of pictures to upload, only uploaded that one below; yesterday.

mock exam for english lit tomorrow. we have 30 mins for lunch instead of 45.
i cannot be arsed. i know what the end result's going to be anyway.

he goes and blabs.
she goes and tells lies about not telling him, and blabs.
i had enough, she's gone.

this bxtch won't take it anymore.

anyway, i am off to bed.
after a shower.

pain all over again.
3 Comments
Mood: violated
Music: The Ting Tings - That's Not My Name

jessiebell untitled May 8th, 2008 9:44:36 pm - Subscribe
Pushing everyone further and further away; this is where the real deal starts.
And this is the part where I wish someone would break the walls and rescue me; save me from the ... the end.

And it all erupts into an argument, it's my way of saying 'i love you, please help me, please help.. please'

-------

so tonight's events have proven a rough death toll for me.
alright, no more will be spoken. not until i have something.
maybe this is where the writing stops?
who knows..
1 Comments
Mood: fragile

jessiebell ghhhhh May 9th, 2008 11:26:58 pm - Subscribe
Ok, clearly this is where the writing doesn't stop.
Woke up this morning... blood. But it's heavy, REALLY heavy. I feel like i'm screwing up my insides. Everything everyone has done is rotting me.

I'm sure richard had one or two meddlers comments when he wrote stuff like this on OD.

Help me help me help me.
It's sad, but this is the only form of.. expression i have left. The only something.
Words are never enough though.

I don't want to be saved, though.
Yes, I may really want to; but it can't happen, I won't let it happen.

And the only reason I have public entries is because there's one person who sometimes reads this.
0 Comments
Mood: overwhelmed