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jessiebell
putting pen to paper is a chore sometimes - Subscribe
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i swear i'm gonna update soon. ololz. |
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jessiebell
what i've been trying to say Sep 15th, 2008 7:58:10 pm - Subscribe
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'kay, i've been avoiding writing stuff for long enough. i'm at least going to attempt something proper. i'm selfish, i'm not taking care of myself like i probably should anymore. It took me a few minutes to swallow some pills 'cause i've got a funking cold, too. i really shouldn't be here, and i know i should give it at least one last shot to make it all stop, to end it all. he always says i've got more chances later; to try it out for a while and then decide. but i don't think he fully gets it. i don't want to have a glimpse of what it could be like, of all the things.. and people and places. it all sounds a lot better than it really is. and i've never known better, i've only dreamed of better. i probably have too high hopes, it's all probably going to fall through, and even if it doesn't; i know i don't want any of it. i never did, not for the past so many years anyway. it's a lot like sex, really. once you've done it, you always want more... always come back for just that one night (which is conveniently spaced over several years..) and what about not being sucked in to the way they choose to be? i've always said i'm not going to be like that. i need the strength to fight it, but i don't have anything left anymore at all. i lost it all and i know it. the people around here won't be as significant soon enough, and it's like the perfect chance. right? cuba was a last minute thing, really. australia would have been so much more... yesterday he told me he's going to australia for a year from next march. i didn't ask a lot more.. the kiss was back.. the words were sincere.. maybe he was in the place, the last time.. i always know he does care, no matter what. i didn't dare touch on the subject of 'i don't give a fuck anymore,' though. he was going on about the kings of leon, and nottingham (and how he had to be fished out of the fountain) and travelling and cars... it felt normal. a comforting kind of normal. i know he wants me to know he's around. raffa and him went to a pub quiz last night, hah. and it wasn't him... i know that he wasn't a part of that sick joke. jonny's the one who's the idiot. a melodramatic idiot. love is the most stupid thing ever. it's funny how i don't feel it anymore, how i have this massive barrier preventing it. i know exactly; i could even pin point that feeling whenever it came around me. I don't think i can love anymore, but maybe it's the talk of practically a whole summer away from.. activity. i know what i mean by that. not what it exactly says... or sounds like. i kind of have a general feeling that it's being directed.. something like an aura. ololzzzz, now i sound like a funking medium or somethin'. but, if i go along with it.. then there are chances.. and pain.. and all of it. do i really want to? sometimes i do wish i could feel it all.. :/ anyway, cuba was supposed to be good. a proper chance to recover and stuffs. yet, i ended up crying a lot of the nights. i even got compliments off cuban guys out there (which for a few minutes made me smile and glow with confidence - until it settled in that they thought i was actually interested, which made them complete desperate idiots that thought i could be 'easy' - which, btw in itself made me quietly laugh to myself.) until my parents got in the way.. i mean, i spent some time with them .. but i prefered to be alone enjoying it all by myself. i still cry... i cried so hard last night. woke up at 6 am and discovered the startings of the funking cold. my mum caught it off someone off the plane, and now i have it. :/ it's amazing what difference an ocean makes. i wish the world was all one again, and people could walk over lands just like that. or that, at least i could travel by folding a map; afraid of falling off the edge of the world. it must have been more exciting to live in those times. i hate being back.. i remember 6 am on saturday morning when we arrived at the airport. there was fresh rain on the ground, no surprises there.. the time zones shifting, everything shaking me up made me really hungry. i got cookies out of the vending machine (which, i got a cool deal of 2 for the price of one, ololz - and i still have one pack left! xD) and we were waiting outside for tim to come pick us up and mum and i shared a pasty. goddd, it was cool outside, getting colder by the second - and that funking gorgeous pasty warmed me right up. today's got me bad.. i really i miss the blue skies - proper blue, the way sky blue is supposed to be. i miss the ocean, the beach, the sound of the waves crashing.. the calmness.. the colours; the green and blue and yellows, and orange when the sun was setting. it's like a pain hitting me, not being able to be where i want to be.. where i want to see.. i envy people who live in the warmth, who have the sun and the beaches and the sea. air conditioning works just good for me. i used to love being out at night just looking at the stars - on a VERY rare occassion, you can make out a few stars in the skies here. But this, this was perfectly clear, perfectly amazing, breathtaking. i used to sit out there on my own for ages. it was my 'peace time' away from my parents in the evenings. ololz, all of that probably made me sound proper gay.. and hah, i have to speak of john, the canadian manwhore at some point.. xP people don't care, except for a few. i've noticed their actions... i have so much more that i want to say, that i should say; that i want to elaborate on.. but i think i should leave this for now.. get some sleep or somethin'. |
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jessiebell
and in a short space of time.. Sep 15th, 2008 10:26:21 pm - Subscribe
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i caught up with becky.. who found herself a job at cooltrader whilst i was away, jen who's still very much in love with ben (and paige is doing great after her 2nd birthday.. which reminds me, it's jayden's 2nd near the end of next month ;) this also occured: Richard says: how cynical are you. .sex on fire. says: not that cynical anymore, really. .sex on fire. says: bailey's fucking rocks. Richard says: it does inded. Richard says: so you're being optimistic now ? .sex on fire. says: yeah, maybe. guess i'll find out soon enough. Richard says: Yeah, if it is all just jaded. .sex on fire. says: how was the pub quiz then? Richard says: won. Richard says: awesomely as well. .sex on fire. says: thought you would have done. Richard says: why's that/ .sex on fire. says: just because. had a feeling it wouldn't have been any other way. Richard says: won beer. .sex on fire. says: cool. Richard says: always cool. Richard says: you'll have a yellow card soon. .sex on fire. says: hm, what? lol Richard says: you'll find out. .sex on fire. says: 'kays. Richard says: cynicism ftw though. .sex on fire. says: i don't think i'll be any less cynical. nothing really changes. Richard says: exactly. .sex on fire. says: and it's there already, so. Richard says: well then. .sex on fire. says: need sleep since i've been up since 6 for no reason. .sex on fire. says: night. x Richard says: mmm sleep. Richard says: night. Richard says: will tie you up later. .sex on fire. says: if you want ;) lol. Richard sent 15/09/2008 23:20: gag you. Richard sent 15/09/2008 23:20: just tease you for hours ? .sex on fire. says: don't like where this is going... Richard says: good. .sex on fire. says: night. x Richard says: night. Richard says: x and, um.. andy; the next entry is the one you're supposed to read ;) heh. and i'm sorry i didn't tell you that rich was talking to me again, this morning. :/ <3 |
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jessiebell
uh oh Sep 24th, 2008 6:06:52 pm - Subscribe
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i feel like re-inventing again. ripping it all off and changing it. this, and other things. london was cool, though maybe not the best idea ever. i feel like i'm hungover (but it's only my cold.) i have an unexplainable sick feeling and i'm constantly hungry. it kinda feels infection-y too. but ohwells. friday - went OTT on the packing. saturday - travelled, walked the distance i'll have to walk to the building i have the majority of my lectures in, met neighbours, unpacked. sunday - london with steve, jason, liz, amy and andrea in steve's dad's caravan/trailer. andrea (ahhn-drey-ah) is from delft in holland (where i've been (ohmygod david/jackie chan memories) before) and it was cool being the person who knows the most about london (enough to not get lost easily) to show her around. i'm funking envious of the models. funkit! and pizza express was funny, '£25?!' ololz. monday- the eye, again. second time's not as thrilling. it's cool to get to know new people though. harrods, palace, windsor and the tower. we went to a cozy little cafe too. it was awesome. and i couldn't resist a funking cappucino. i've had too many of them lately. tuesday- hung out, went around harrow and northolt. i was going to ask sarah what she was up to but then i remembered; she'd be at school. hah and that is BASICALLY it. because, now, i need rest. kthnx. and ow. :( |
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jessiebell
it's not as cold out here, but come quick, i am losing feeling Sep 25th, 2008 5:10:59 pm - Subscribe
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funk, i miss richard. :( |