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n1ghtshade So much for the Christmas mood. - Subscribe
Well I have a feeling, not only did Thanksgiving suck, but I think Christmas is screwed now too.

Mom and Dan left at 1:30 pm to go to town to get our Christmas tree. They decided on a seven foot live Christmas tree. And she told me to get a shower and get ready, and then wait til she got home. Abe had been outside all day working on the Christmas stuff in the yard and helping Dad fix the van. And Dad kept coming in and asking me, if I had heard from Mom and Dan, cause maybe they got lost, and I told him I didn't several times. And I guess Abe was drinking while he was putting the stuff up, cause Mom and Dan finally got home, I guess around 6:30/7 pm. So we helped unload them, and get the tree in and all, and then Dan and Dad left, and Mom, Abe and I was putting a table behind our tree, which is offically called the Angel Table, cause Mom puts her Angels on it every year. So then something happened, (I'm not sure what). And I went off to watch tv, Lincoln Heights. And then Abe came and got me to put Mom's kitchen table back in its spot. (Cause we had to move it to get the Angel table moved).

And then Abe started screaming at me, something bout apologizing to Mom for what I don't know, and I told him to get out of my face, and he kept screaming at me to apologize, and I kept telling him to get the fuck out of my face, and at one point I turned to Mom and told her to get him the fuck out of my face. And then she started screaming at me, for something or another, (who the hell knows what). So I just walked off, and was going back to Mom's room to FINISH watching Lincoln Heights, and Abe started after me, and I told him to leave me alone, and he said I couldn't tell him what to do, so I told him he couldn't tell me what to do either. So then by then I was sitting in the chair that is in Mom's room, and Abe comes in, and he tells me to get up and go apologize to Mom, and I told him no cause there was NO reason to apologize to her, cause I did not do anything. And he starts screaming at me to get up and go to Mom and I kept telling him no. So then he comes after me, and he was all screaming at me to do it now, and I kept telling him no, so then he grabbed a hold of me, or was trying, and I was fighting him off. And screaming at him to get the fuck off of me. And he at one point tried to hit me, but I blocked it, and then I kicked him, I'm not sure where I kicked him and I don't care, I do know that I was aiming for his balls, so I hopefully hit them, I don't know. And Mom started screaming at him from the other room to get off me. And I was screaming at him to get off me, while I kept kicking.

And he finally got off me, and he said that if I didn't straighten up my act, I would find myself kicked out on the street. And he walked off and slammed Mom's door. So by then I was pissed, so I got up and went after him, and I told him that was fine, I would call Ray and have him come get me, for damn sure (the only name that popped in my head at the time). And of course he can't come get me, cause he has a house full, he has Amber, her three kids, their 2 pit bulls, and Misty and her kid.

So by then I was bawling my head off, and I said fuck it and went to my room, then through all the bawling I remembered that the TV in Mom's room was still on, so I went to go shut it off, and Mom was crying in her chair by her computer, and Abe was watching TV in the living room, and he just glared at me. So I shut off the TV and came back in here. And started talking to Hope, told her what happened, and she said that if she was closer and not in Kentucky she would of came and got me tonight, but she couldn't. But even if she did, live closer, I couldn't of stayed there for long. Oh and my neighbor wouldn't take me in, cause eventually she would agree with my family, so would my mom's best friend pat. So I'm screwed. whatever.

And I've been crying off and on since, and fighting the urge to cut, and other things. And I don't know if Dad and Dan know yet or not, and I honestly could care a less, and if I had a place to go, I would of went in and told Mom that I was moving out, but I can't, so for now I'm stuck.

Whatever. This family sucks. But most families do don't they?

And I think I pulled something or he popped out my shoulder when we was fighting. So then about two hours later, after all that shit, I went and out and talked to Mom, and apologized to her for whatever, but I didn't know what I did wrong, and she said she didn't know either, and then she showed me her new shirt, and it says Kiss Me has a tree or something above it and it glows. And guess what? I have a matching glowing shirt that says Merry Christmas. And was telling me about a frosty and all, and I told her whatever, and then she started telling me what she wanted to do with the living room, and I told her to do whatever the hell she wanted to do, and walked off. A little bit later I told her I guess I would help her if she wanted, as long as Abe wasn't around, cause I refuse to be around him, I refuse to be alone with him, and I hate him, and I refuse to have another damn fight like that. (didn't exactly tell her I hated him, but I wanted to, and anyways I do). And she said that was fine. So Mom and I are cool for the moment. Till they want me to apologize to Abe for kicking him or whatever, and then they can all fuck off, cause I REFUSE to apologize to him, cause for one he don't deserve it.

And if I could, I would have him in jail right now, although he wouldn't stay cause Mom would get him out, and then he would be more pissed then he is, and we'd probably get into another fight and so on, and of course she won't say anything to him about it, or anything, cause he's the damn angel of the family and always has been, you can even ask my sister Danie and she would say so too, but then again her and I ain't talking either.

One more Sibling to piss off. The Oldest, only I'm not terrified of him when he's pissed, no matter how pissed he gets. I don't think he is dangerous, I do know Abe is dangerous, cause this is not the first time him and I have got into a psychical fight but whatever.

And I guess Mom and I are going to decorate the tree, and put up the rest of the Christmas stuff tomorrow.

Oh and the kicker to all this is Mom is leaving Wednesday to go to her doctor's in temple, and she may not be back till sometime this weekend, so that leaves me Wednesday, Thursday, alone with him till he goes to work, and then Fridays he gets off, and Dan and Dad have to work. So can we say "I'm Terrified."

Oh and I deleted and blocked Abe on my myspace, and I deleted all my comments except his Harley one I gave him and the two white tigers. Past that I am COMPLETELY done with him.

Oh and I have a head cold, and I'm burning up like crazy, my whole body feels like its on fire, but Mom says I don't have a fever, and I don't believe her, but whatever.

So much for the fucking holidays, and the Christmas Mood.
Mood: ribs are sore

n1ghtshade well.. Oct 22nd, 2008 10:15:01 pm - Subscribe
I'm not pregnant. Yay right? So why am I not happy bout it? sad.gif
Mood: unsafe
Music...: My Wish - Rascall Flatts

n1ghtshade Baby Ticker Oct 16th, 2008 12:21:05 pm - Subscribe
pregnancy calendar
Mood: useless
Music...: So What - Pink

n1ghtshade Breakdown Oct 9th, 2008 5:55:29 pm - Subscribe
The sun is gone and the flowers rot
Words are spaces between us
And I should've been drown in the rivers I've found of token lost
And I should've been down when you made me insecure

So break me down if it makes you feel right
And hate me now if it keeps you alright
You can break me down if it takes all your might
'cause I'm so much more than meets the eye

And I'm the one you can never trust
'cause wounds are ways to reveal us
And yeah I could have tried and devoted my life to both of us
But what a waste of my time when the world we have is yours

So break me down if it makes you feel right
And hate me now if it keeps you alright
You can break me down if it takes all your might
'cause I'm so much more than all your lies

Hate me, break me down
So break me down
So break me down
So break me down if it makes you feel right
And hate me now if it keeps you alright
You can break me down if it takes all your might
'cause I'm so much more than meets the eye
Mood: isolated
Music...: seether

n1ghtshade happy... Oct 5th, 2008 1:28:37 pm - Subscribe
Everything is going good with us. I'm still with Eva an I decided I'm going to stay with her, cause even though we have our very rough patches and stuff, I love her, an she loves me. We actually talked last night, she's in school again, for what I forgot to ask. We actually talked, an she's been sick again, although I didn't know that, cause I didn't call her, an she hasn't been online. I didn't call, cause every time I do, she's sleeping. We're both night owls. Did I mention I love her.

(Note to self ask gf what she's in school for).

We was talking about it last night, if my parents an brother's end up going to Alaska in a year or so, that I'm going to be moving to Missouri, to be with her. I asked her if it was okay, an she said it was, so thats what I'm going to start to plan on doing, even if they don't ever go to Alaska, I want to move up there. I want to be with my girl. Honestly I need to be with her. I get that its harder for me, then it is for her, that I'm not up there, cause she has Cody, and she has those other two girls, because techinally, we're not in a committed relationship. We're still in a very open, yet closed to the fact nobody (besides LJ) knows about us. After all these years, I still want to be hers forever, I still want to marry her.

I'd do anything for her, an she knows it, she always has known it, which I'm guessing was part of our problem. At first, but we got things worked out again.

(in between writing this, I've been getting bugged by my dad, an stuff, so I lost my train of thought with this).

Try it again later
Mood: content
Music...: you're still the one - shania twain

n1ghtshade blah Oct 4th, 2008 5:49:57 pm - Subscribe
Bday party things was suppose to be today.

that was a joke.

thats all.
Mood: worthless
Music...: room to breathe - reba

n1ghtshade idk.... Oct 3rd, 2008 2:39:17 am - Subscribe
School right?

feels like i'm back in it with this drivers book.

i found be sleeping i'm working or helping out pat tomorrow. what fun. but i'm sure she's going to want this book done by then. so i'm going to have to do it.

Dan is going to be going over seas the first of november if everything goes right, which even though mom says IF it probably will. he has nothing on his record that would say that he couldn't go over there, or anything like that, and i'm sure their needing people in their line of work, and he's only going over there for a year, and apparently him being over there, a year or so, is suppose to get us out of debt.

for the first time in my life, i'm scared about it. what if he doesn't come back? abe's wanting to go over there to, but dan won't let him. and dad he's wanting to over there too. I don't know when or if he will. but its just a year, i keep getting told. its nothing to worry about, i keep getting told, then why am i worried? cause i know their lying, and its going to be more then just a year, its going to be a year of worry and hoping they come back in one piece and alive. it is something to worry about. i told mom if dan does over there, and with abe working nights and dad working late, i'm going to go get sassy, cause i would feel better with a big dog around cause star can't hear to well anymore. so mostly it'll just be me, and my mom. until the weekend. i didn't ask her, i just told her what i was going to do, and that is what i am going to do.

i need things to be okay, i need this NOT to be happening.

I have 30 cuts from Monday healing on my upper left arm, i have 14 cuts on my lower right leg healing, from tonight. its getting bad again, and i can't just stop it. and i made myself throw up twice today. its not as bad as my cutting though, but it'll get there. and i'm trying not to let it. my chest and left ribs, shoulder have been hurting the last 2 days, even the slightest move and it hurts, an its hard to breathe sometimes. i don't know what's wrong, maybe i just slept wrong?

i need people but their not around, i get it, but its like everybody's leaving all at once. and it scares me.

I need for YOU not to yell at me when you read this.

I haven't talked to you otherwise i would of told you. before i put it here, and no i didn't think about calling you, cause i've been out of it lately.

I'm sorry
Mood: worthless

n1ghtshade read me Oct 2nd, 2008 4:12:22 am - Subscribe
Dear baby, I'm not sorry for leavin you this way
But I know that I should have told you(all) face-to-face
We've always been straight up so I, I won't waste your (guys) time
I'm leavin, say good-bye, because I know what you(all) did last night

Let me let you know, yeah
That I'm leavin baby
Let me let you know, yeah
That I'm leavin baby
Let me let you know
I don't know where I'm goin but I'm goin far from here
Let me let you know yeah
That I'm leavin baby

One more thing before I go, I hope you(all) feel alone
Cuz I'm definitely tired of waiting for you(all) to come home
(been waitin for you(all) at home)
We've always been straight up, so I, I'll just take what's mine
I'm leavin, say good-bye, because you(all) hurt me for the last time
Let me, let you know

[Repeat Chorus]

Whatever your excuse is, I'm sure, I've heard them all before
Time and time again I told ya(all), that I need you(all) more
Now I'm walkin out the door

[Repeat Chorus]

Ooh baby, I'm just here to let you(all) know honey
Ooh, yeah
Here to let you know
Let me let you know yeah
I'm leavin

[Repeat Chorus to fade]


You ain't done nothing wrong but I think we need to talk
You might be the one but before we go too far
I need a little time to figure out my heart
Who could ask for more but I need to know for sure

I haven't been myself from the minute that we met
I ran into your world and kinda walked out on myself
All those dreams I had,I began to second guess for you(all)
One too many questions until I know the truth

I need room to breathe
A little time to think

To make sure I don't lose me
I need room to breathe

I know you're not to blame and I swear there's no one new
This has to do with me and not a thing to do with you(all)
So don't try to understand you(all) don't have a thing to prove to me
If you(all) really love me just give me what I need

I need room to breathe
A little time to think

To make sure I don't lose me
I need room to breathe

Please don't try to take this wrong
Please don't turn away
I just don't want to look back one day and say

I need room to breathe
A little time to think

To make sure I don't lose me
I need room to breathe

Room to breathe
Mood: frustrated
Music...: room to breathe - reba

n1ghtshade Subject... title... summary... whatever Sep 13th, 2008 2:14:07 pm - Subscribe
Well its nice having everybody here, even under the circumstances. I wish there wasn't a hurricane though and there is one right behind Ike, I think its called Joesphine. I haven't heard from Carol and Don or Larry and Stacy, or Sandy, so I'm guessing they left, and their fine somewhere.

I called Mom twice this afternoon and it said the service was out, so I waited another thirty minutes and tried it again, and it actually rang this time, so I was hoping she would pick up the phone. And she did, and she said she was at work, and she said she was fine, she said lisa was fine to, and that she promised she would call me tomorrow after the storm and after they got a signal. So their fine, cause I told her, that I wished they had come up here, and I told her they should go ahead and come up, but she said it would be stupid to try and leave now, and get stuck on the highway or something, which as I thought about it as she was talking, yeah it is. So I can only hope that they will be fine, she said she wasn't worried about the storm and they would be fine. I told her I'm scared, and she promised they would be fine, I told her I loved her, and she did her normal "you to kid"

Nothing more I can do but worry.

My head is still hurting, we didn't go to the doctor, yes I said something bout going, and mom said we didn't need to go and I would be fine. She just said it was sore and it probably would be for a while. So we'll see what happens. I took a couple hydrocodone's here a little bit ago, so I'm sure their going to kick in and knock me out, which is going to piss Mom off, but oh well. She's at walmart with Danie right now, and then she's going to come home, and take her Lyrica and then she's going to be going to bed for a while. So it'll be fine. So if I ain't on til late tonight you know that the Hdyrocodone's are working and that I'm okay.

Other then that not much else is going on. I can't sleep on my left side like I always do, cause any pressure on my head and it starts to hurt real bad, so I've been having to sleep on my back or my right side, which I'm not use to. I still can't see straight to well yet.

I miss you Ani, hope you're okay. Love you. -hugs-

Neva said Eminem's as big as Nicki now, and she's full grown, and he's only 3 months old. I think I might talk her into keeping him til we come down there in October then I'm going to bring him home. And Danie said that Nicki has finally made them stop nursing on her. Which is good. She didn't know about Frisky up until last night, and even then I just told her he got sick and Dan took him to the pound and had him put down. Today while Mom was at therapy, I told her the whole story, and I told her that Crystal thinks that Dan just shot him, and I didn't say that I agree with Crystal about the whole thing. But she says Crystal's wrong. But yeah okay.

And the only thing I told the boys was that Frisky got sick and he died. Thats all they need to know.
Mood: content

n1ghtshade What happened last night. Sep 13th, 2008 2:13:23 pm - Subscribe
Originally wrote 9/12 at 6 am

My nephews are here. Danie and Adam, the boys, and Adam's Mom drove up here, because of Hurricane Ike. And I was making Brownies last night, Brownies with Pecans, and Brownies with Mints. And Blake and Connor was helping me, well Connor went back into the livingroom and was watching TV and Blake(who was standing on a stool by the island) had just got done licking out the bowl, and he had Chocolate EVERYWHERE! And so I cleaned him up after my Mom got him to hold still. And so he was still wet and I went to clean out the bowl, and he hugged me, and so I turned around to tickle him and he went running off to the living room (Which is like a couple feet from where I was). And so I took off after him, tripped over the stool (that I had thought they moved).

And I fell, and hit my head EXTREMELY hard on the refrigerator door.

-Mom's Version of what happened-

(I don't remember any of this)

I fell hit my head extremely hard on the refrigerator door, Mom said I was face down, and I didn't even hear her coming towards me, and she lifts me up (and you know her right hand is bad now) and puts me on my back in the enterance of the living room floor. Mom said she was looking through my hair to see if I was bleeding and then Adam got me up, and was still looking to see if Mom had missed anything and to see if I was bleeding, and Mom handed me an Ice pack.

This is what I remember.

I remember turning to tickle Blake taking off to the living room and me tripping over the stool and hitting my head on the refrigerator, (I thought) I had tried getting up, and fell back down and landed on my back on the living room floor, I remember grabbing my head. And it hurting like hell, then I blacked out a couple minutes, and then I remember opening my eyes with Mom and Adam standing over me, and wondering why they was standing over me, then I remember standing and Adam asking me if I okay. And then a few minutes later Mom handing me the ice.

Mom said she told me to take three advil, cause I was going to have a headache a little later and she said it was better to get a jump start on it, (I do not remember) taking the advil cause later on when my head was pounding I asked her if I did, and her and Nannie (Adam's Mom Neva but everybody calls her Nannie) said I did.

This happened at 11 pm last night. It hurt and hurt and hurt, and everything was still a little fuzzy and I couldn't focus on anything, and I was still a little dizzy at 1 am and everybody was going to bed, and I asked Mom if it was okay if I went to bed she said it was, so I curled in a ball on my bed and went to sleep.

Now 6 am everything is still a little fuzzy, my head hurts like hell. And I don't know if I'm dizzy or not, I haven't bothered with standing up yet.

A couple people suggested last night, that I go to the doctor today. And I am going to mention to my Mom that my head is still going nuts, and it is probably best we go get me checked out.

But you know my mother, and having her going through doctors and stuff with her hand, and her on two different medicines and her having to go to therapy. Three times a week, she is not going to WANT to take me. And she has therapy this morning, so after they get back I am going to suggest that we go. Danie an Adam can take me and Mom.

Edit: 7:30 am yes I am dizzy, and my head is hurting a whole lot more then it was an hour ago, I'm debating on taking some advil. I feel like I got ran over by a really really big truck.
Mood: content

n1ghtshade rosa Sep 13th, 2008 2:12:16 pm - Subscribe
So one day a month or so ago, I added an ex and ex I was pretty sure she didn't remember me. She was my very first girlfriend the very first girl I ever wanted to be with, and her name is Rosa. We split though, got back together and split again. We had our problems, we couldn't ever really stay friends, because it would all come down to, I don't think she wanted me to be with anybody but her, an I don't think I wanted her to be with anybody but me, especially not Clara. Anybody but Clara, me, yes me, I loved her, I didn't love her the first time I was with it, it wasn't really until a year later, that I really fell for her, yes I loved her in my own way, but it wasn't until I had lost her completely, that I realized I really did love her.

Part of me is still going to always love her, even more then Eva, in fact I'm not even sure I'm in love with Eva anymore. I know I love Rosa, mostly cause she was my first girlfriend and if it wasn't for her, I wouldn't be who I am today, she in some way helped shape me into the person I am today, its hard to explain.

I needed her, an she was there.
Its weird because I've known her a little bit longer then I've known everybody else, and we've fought off and on, we stopped talking, we started talking, we stopped talking, we started talking. I think we knew it was safe, cause we'd eventually go back to each other even if we wasn't together, we was still there for each other.
Every time we stopped talking it'd be right around my birthday or a couple weeks before, that either she'd find me, or I'd find her. It was always like that. And it probably always will be like that.
Its around my birthday again, and she's back, this time I tracked her down, she still hasn't changed id's its still the same, its been since I met her. For that I'm kind of glad, because I don't know what I would do if I couldn't find her.
I don't know, she's always there, even if she isn't there in my life at the time, I know she's there.

Volverte A Amar - Alejandra Guzman
Voy de prisa
Siempre en contra del reloj
Todo lo que vivi nunca fue para mi
Y aunque duele aceptarlo es así
Nos separan a los dos
Una historia sin fin se vuelve a repetir
Y es que se que soy parte de ti
Por que después
De tu amor
Ya no hay nada
Y reconozco el miedo en tu mirada.

Siempre caígo rendida cuando tu me llamas
Siempre a cada minuto te vuelvo a extrañar
Eres para mí
Desde que te vi
No te dejo de pensar
Y esque tengo tanto miedo
De volverte a amar.

A apostar
Por este amor
A perder la razón
Eres tu la ilusión
Que atrapa mi corazón
Por que después
De tu amor
Ya no hay nada
Y reconozco el miedo en tu mirada.

Siempre caígo rendida cuando tu me llamas
Siempre a cada minuto te vuelvo a extrañar
Eres para mí
Desde que te vi
No te dejo de pensar
Y esque tengo tanto miedo
De volverte a amar.

Siempre caígo rendida cuando tu me llamas
Siempre a cada minuto te vuelvo a extrañar
Eres para mí
Desde que te vi
No te dejo de pensar
Y esque tengo tanto miedo
Tanto, tanto miedo
Mood: content
Music...: come to my window - melissa etheridge

n1ghtshade enter sandman Sep 13th, 2008 2:11:24 pm - Subscribe
I've been reading this one book like (almost) religiously, Enter Sandman, I got it back last month, like a week before I was suppose to come back here, I was almost done with it, when I left, I stopped reading it for a couple weeks, cause I knew. The end was about to come up, and the whole point of the book was about to be told, her story, was about to be told. And I wasn't ready to read it. I picked it up this weekend, and I haven't really been able to put it down to much since. We finally get to the whole reason that Stephanie Williams wrote the book, it has so much insight, so much in it. It is wrote by a woman with breast cancer, and she knew she was going to die, and she wanted to write a book before she died. She did an amazing job of that.

I don't think I'll ever forget this book. Its a recommended read. I recommend it. It gives you some insight to what its like. How it is.

Two of the best reviews.

"Enter Sandman starts out like a chick lit, but as in The Bell Jar, after making you squirm for the protagonist, it whacks you with a sucker punch of tragedy....Destined for a long life in print." ---Don Wallace, Kirkus Reviews.

"Enter Sandman is nothing you'd expect--particularly if you expect a book by a young woman dying of cancer to be depressing or preachy. Stephanie Williams is a young woman with cancer, but the book she's written is funny, feisty, and full of a kind of spirit we would all do well to imitate. Read this and weep, yes, but also laugh and admire. Most of all, just read it."
Mood: content

n1ghtshade Its Fixed Sep 13th, 2008 2:10:45 pm - Subscribe
I talked to Joey this morning, and he spent three and half hours, fixing my computer. And now I got something on here that looks like Vista even though I have XP. I love it happy.gif

And myspace still wouldn't let me log in, and journalspace wouldn't let me post. So he spent the last hour and half fixing that, and come to find out the reason Myspace wouldn't let me in is because Firefox was messing up so now I have Netscape.

Eh as long as it works I don't care.

And Dan's bitching cause we're about to go over our internet thing. Again. And guess who's fault that is? Mine. I didn't do it.

And Mom's bitching cause she says since I came I went straight back to normal. But I didn't but whatever.
Mood: content

n1ghtshade I did it again....fuck... Sep 9th, 2008 3:30:12 am - Subscribe
I've completely fucked up my computer AGAIN!

Stupid Kazaa and wanting to add a billion things to my computer that I didn't want like Anti Virus XP 2008 that I can't fucking uninstall cause the stupid fucking Anti Virus won't let me. Stupid Kazaa, Stupid me for wanting to play World Of War Craft. So now I'm going to have to completely either get Dan to get rid of it, considering my computer won't go do a system restore, unless its back to the point where I installed the stupid fucking Kazaa program. It WON'T let me restore my computer back to BEFORE I installed the fucking program, so I can't get rid of this stupid Anti Virus Program that I didn't even fucking want. So I'm going to see if Joey's on tomorrow and use his Team Viewer thing and see if he can fix my computer.

If not I'm going to have to get him to pull all my music onto his computer (cause he said I would) so I can completely reformat my hard drive, and install window's all over again, and then install everything else. Etc, Yahoo messenger, Msn Messenger, Myspace Im, Aim Pro, Itunes, Sims 2 Deluxe, Sims 2 Pets and Need for speed hot prosuit 2, and then I can't reinstall Zuma, cause my disk is still at Danie's cause I brought it down there, so she could install it on her computer. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckity FUCK!


I'm just irratated.
Mood: pissed off
Music...: Toy Soldiers - Eminem

n1ghtshade I'm in a good mood considering I haven't slept in 21 hours. Sep 3rd, 2008 9:29:36 am - Subscribe
I should of been sleeping hours ago, because I was going to go help out pat today fixing the lawn mowers, or putting in her bathroom floor that she's said for months we was going to do. I've been up 21 hours. Oh well. After I get some coffee in me here in a little bit I'll be fine. It's all cloudy outside and its pretty nice, so I hope it stays that way, and I hope she decided she wants to work outside doing something or another. Because its to nice of a day, to be inside working on the bathroom floor.

Dan's army buddy, and bestfriend, Michael is going home in a couple hours. He came up from Louisiana because of the Hurricane, otherwise he would have had to drive all the ways to California, because his families there. But since it turned into a Tropical strom, and (which is good), he's going to go back today. It's been pretty nice to have him here, I mean you see what the army did to one person (Dan) and turned him into an emotionaless robot pretty much, and I know it seemed to change Michael some but he didn't turn into what Dan did. Which is why I'm scared of if a friend of mine decides she wants to join the army. But she's going to have to do what she needs to do.

I've been spending a lot of time hanging out with Ani and still trying to figure out how to get her down here. That still isn't working out very well. I'll get it figured out eventually. I'm going to get Mom working on setting up the math course, or at least looking into it. Things are not going the way they was planned but then they never do. So oh well.

The head therapist came an saw mom today while she was at therapy, and she wants to bring the whole family in and get us all to learn somethings for Mom cause he wants her doing therapy every hour on the hour. So I'm going with them Friday morning at 10 am. And I guess she told him that I quit my job and came home to help out. So she's like that is all you have to say is you was working in a grill cooking. And I'm like yeah okay, I don't plan on saying much anyways, just learning what I have to. And I'm not getting my license to be Mom's taxi driver. I'm getting my license so I can go back to Brazoria or where ever I do decide to go. Cause I'm not sure I want to stay in Texas. I don't know. I may just go on a road trip next summer and figure that out, if I really do want to leave Texas. Just more future dreams, and plans, that probably won't work. I need to start studying on that book again. But I was waiting til I was with Pat, cause she's been helping me with it, and I understand most of it the parts we've been through anyways a little bit better.

I need to go see my dog pretty soon, maybe today hopefully, cause I miss her, I know she's next door but still.

*Yawns...I need coffee, an my back is stiff, so I need to get up and out of this chair pretty soon, I'm so happy and gratiful to who ever that thought of making coffee, that and engery drinks, but mostly coffee.*

I've been playing on my Play station 2 all night, trying to beat this one race, that I've been trying to beat for over three weeks, in Need For Speed: Underground its track 86, Circuit, Terminal Reverse four laps. And its hard, even on easy its hard, hell I was doing better at beating it on Medium then I have been on Easy, I've been trying to beat it on Easy for three weeks, and I finally decided just to see if it would help and play Medium, and I almost won. But then I had to crash into a van. Eh. Somebody wanna come beat it for me? I miss my nephews best friend, he could of probably have it beat within about ten minutes.

I need to clean my room too again, I mean the stuff on the top bunk still hasn't moved. But I picked up everything else, well its a mess again and needs picked up again. I kind of don't miss having a room, besides the privacy factor, I think thats the only thing I really missed about it. But having my own little corner in the boys living room, it never really got messy around my area. Only when the boys decided to litter my desk with crap.

I need to call Larry and Stacy one of these days and see how their doing. I haven't talked to them, in since before I left. I miss everybody down there. I got a Karaoke machine, that Phil gave me, and its still sitting on the shelf on my desk, and it hasn't moved since I moved back into my room. And I honestly doubt it ever will. I don't know. Might get it out for my birthday in twenty-seven days.Then again I don't have any of my songs for it, but maybe two. So I don't know.
Mood: positive
Music...: He Stopped Loving Her Today - Conway Twitty

n1ghtshade yeah.. Jun 25th, 2008 7:35:03 pm - Subscribe
Faith (6/25/2008 12:36:51 PM): hey
Mickey (6/25/2008 12:36:56 PM): hi
Faith (6/25/2008 12:37:02 PM): how are you
Mickey (6/25/2008 12:37:52 PM): im okay
Faith (6/25/2008 12:38:05 PM): me 2
Faith (6/25/2008 12:38:08 PM): y just ok
Mickey (6/25/2008 12:38:41 PM): why are you just okay ?
Faith (6/25/2008 12:38:53 PM): danie pissed me off
Faith (6/25/2008 12:39:12 PM): i went from just being angry to her pissing me off
Mickey (6/25/2008 12:39:31 PM): about what ?
Faith (6/25/2008 12:39:59 PM): i'll tell ya in a min moms on trhe phone
Mickey (6/25/2008 12:40:40 PM): ok
Faith (6/25/2008 1:00:38 PM): bk sorry was trying to get mom off the phone
Mickey (6/25/2008 1:01:31 PM): oh
Faith (6/25/2008 1:01:44 PM): danie's all pissed off, cause mandy and donny, and susan and george didn't go to doug's son's funeral
Faith (6/25/2008 1:02:08 PM): an she said that if it was her family an she didn't go to her son's funeral then she wouldn't have anything to do with them, an she wouldn't want them to go her funeral
Faith (6/25/2008 1:02:11 PM): an a bunch of shit
Faith (6/25/2008 1:02:50 PM): and i know mandy's side of the story, donny couldn't get off, if he could of he would of, but he couldn't, and mandy didn't go, cause she only met him once, an she didn't know him, so she didn't see any point in going
Mickey (6/25/2008 1:03:23 PM): everyone has their own opinion about things and what they would do when someone dies
Faith (6/25/2008 1:04:07 PM): and danie was bitching bout it last night when she came to get me, an i was like i know both sides of the story, an she's like well what did mandy say, an i'm like i'm not going to tell you, cause i do not want in the middle of it, an she's like what did she say, an i'm like i'm not telling you, cause i am not getting dragged into it, so leave me out of it period
Faith (6/25/2008 1:04:25 PM): so she's a lil pissed off at me cuz of that, an cuz i asked her what time we was leaving friday, an coming home sunday
Faith (6/25/2008 1:04:43 PM): an because i didn't go, but like she said the night before they left KB wasn't my family so i didn't have to go
Faith (6/25/2008 1:05:06 PM): an she told me last night that mandy and donnie an brandi, an nannie an susan and george an their kids an doug an his girl an their kids, ain't my family
Faith (6/25/2008 1:05:36 PM): an like i told nannie today, an mandy last night, Danie doesn't want me to pick a side, cause she won't like it
Faith (6/25/2008 1:06:24 PM): an she got up today, an she got dressed an everything and mandy an nannie an i was sitting on the porch, an she comes out, an she's all like pissed off an she's like I'm going to the store, an i'm like okay, so she leaves an a few minutes later mandy leaves, an danie comes back, an fergie went in with them
Faith (6/25/2008 1:06:46 PM): an she got a hold of fergie an spanked her so hard, that she hit the door, an she's been pissed off since
Faith (6/25/2008 1:06:56 PM): an i was telling mom about it, an i was like she just needs to get over it
Faith (6/25/2008 1:06:59 PM): period
Faith (6/25/2008 1:09:17 PM): so then mom started in on me working at the bar again an i was like yeah i know danie don't like me working there, an she don't like me hanging out with mandy's bunch on my day's off, an i was like well if she didn't want me working there she shouldn't of taken me for the interview, an mom started to say something bout it, an i'm like if she didn't like it she shouldn't of taken me for the interview, an she started to go into about how maybe i shouldn't have friends up there an i shouldn't hang out up there, an i'm like well if she has a problem with it then she shouldn't of taken me for the interview
Faith (6/25/2008 1:10:05 PM): an she's like you know if you give her you're opinion (which i'm not) then shit's gonna hit the fan, an i'm like if it does it does, an she's like you're living there, she can kick you out, an i'm like if she does she does, if she don't then she don't, i have places to go if i have to
Faith (6/25/2008 1:10:31 PM): an she's like so which lezzy friend would you move in with, an i'm like i have people around this area that i could stay with if, i'm helping out like i help out around here, if i need to
Faith (6/25/2008 1:10:54 PM): an i'm like if it happens then you got my number an i think you got high 5's number an if not then i'll give it to you, an if you need me use it
Faith (6/25/2008 1:13:21 PM): an i flat out told nannie today, that this bunch is my family, an i told mom that today too
Faith (6/25/2008 1:13:48 PM): i'm going to calm down, an after that danie doesn't want to push my buttons, cuz then she'll piss me off to where i say something, an she won't like it
Mickey (6/25/2008 1:14:28 PM): what bunch is your family ?
Faith (6/25/2008 1:15:10 PM): Nannie, Adam, Mandy and Donnie an Brandi, an Susan and George, Kristen an Dustin, an Doug an Heather, Paige, Jack, Papa, an Karrington
Faith (6/25/2008 1:15:41 PM): they all may be this side of family, but their family
Faith (6/25/2008 1:15:56 PM): like mandy was explaining me to some people she knows she said i'm family
Mickey (6/25/2008 1:16:17 PM): what ?
Faith (6/25/2008 1:17:07 PM): some people came in last night that knew mandy an i was sitting with them, before i went to work, cuz i went up an hour early, an so i was meeting them an stuff, an they was like so which one does she belong to, an mandy's like she's my brother's wife's sister, or something like that, either way she's family
Faith (6/25/2008 1:17:17 PM): so mandy's already accepted me as family
Faith (6/25/2008 1:21:33 PM): great day to come back huh
Mickey (6/25/2008 1:27:09 PM): maybe i should go back on vacation
Mickey (6/25/2008 1:27:16 PM): for another day lol
Faith (6/25/2008 1:27:38 PM): lmao
Faith (6/25/2008 1:31:17 PM): know those 7 pounds i lost
Mickey (6/25/2008 1:31:24 PM): yeah
Faith (6/25/2008 1:31:35 PM): well i now weigh 203.6
Faith (6/25/2008 1:31:52 PM): i gained it all back plus 2 pounds
Mickey (6/25/2008 1:32:23 PM): how did you do that ?
Faith (6/25/2008 1:32:30 PM): i don't know
Mickey (6/25/2008 1:32:51 PM): you started eating again didn't you ?
Faith (6/25/2008 1:33:09 PM): yes, but thats soon gonna be fixed again
Mickey (6/25/2008 1:33:19 PM): why ?
Faith (6/25/2008 1:34:17 PM): cuz i'm gonna get down to at least 130 by the end of the summer
Mickey (6/25/2008 1:34:33 PM): how ?
Faith (6/25/2008 1:34:47 PM): i don't know yet
Faith (6/25/2008 1:34:50 PM): but i'll get there
Mickey (6/25/2008 1:35:39 PM): there isn't any way possible to lose reasonable amount of weight and be your goal weight by the end of summer
Faith (6/25/2008 1:35:55 PM): i'm sure there is an i'll find it
Mickey (6/25/2008 1:37:18 PM): you weight 203.6 and you want to be 130 that is 70 lbs in 2 or 3 months the most you can lose a week is 2 lbs
Faith (6/25/2008 1:37:43 PM): i lost 7 in 1 week
Mickey (6/25/2008 1:37:59 PM): because you didn't eat right
Mickey (6/25/2008 1:38:27 PM): your body needs fuel and energy to lose weight you lose water from your body not fat
Mickey (6/25/2008 1:39:45 PM): its like a crash diet they don't work because you can't do them long term and you don't lose fat on them you lose water from your body
Mickey (6/25/2008 1:40:18 PM): and once you go off of what you do you gain all that weight back
Faith (6/25/2008 1:40:45 PM): i'll find a way
Mickey (6/25/2008 1:41:30 PM): its not possible
Mickey (6/25/2008 1:41:47 PM): why are you determined to lose weight
Faith (6/25/2008 1:42:11 PM): cuz i am wht's it matter?
Mickey (6/25/2008 1:42:28 PM): i want to know
Faith (6/25/2008 1:43:12 PM): because i am
Mickey (6/25/2008 1:43:27 PM): is it for you that your losing weight
Faith (6/25/2008 1:43:36 PM): mostly
Mickey (6/25/2008 1:43:49 PM): and the rest ?
Faith (6/25/2008 1:44:08 PM): rest don't matter
Mickey (6/25/2008 1:44:13 PM): yes it does
Mickey (6/25/2008 1:44:17 PM): who are you doing it for ?
Faith (6/25/2008 1:44:23 PM): nobody
Mickey (6/25/2008 1:46:10 PM): i got to take a bath
Faith (6/25/2008 1:46:18 PM): k later
Mickey (6/25/2008 1:46:33 PM): what is up with you
Mickey (6/25/2008 1:46:36 PM): you seem all weird
Faith (6/25/2008 1:46:55 PM): nothing's up with me
Mickey (6/25/2008 1:47:26 PM): it seems like it
Faith (6/25/2008 1:47:34 PM): why
Mickey (6/25/2008 1:47:36 PM): like there is something your avoiding
Faith (6/25/2008 1:47:44 PM): lol
Mickey (6/25/2008 1:47:47 PM): because i know you and i get this feeling
Faith (6/25/2008 1:47:55 PM): feeling of?
Mickey (6/25/2008 1:47:57 PM): that something more is going on
Faith (6/25/2008 1:48:38 PM): its nothing
Mickey (6/25/2008 1:48:52 PM): i think its something something your not telling me
Faith (6/25/2008 1:49:07 PM): maybe
Mickey (6/25/2008 1:50:15 PM): and that is what ?
Faith (6/25/2008 1:50:33 PM): like i said earlier, its nothing, so you can go do what you got to do
Mickey (6/25/2008 1:50:39 PM): its something
Mickey (6/25/2008 1:50:48 PM): if it was nothing i know you you would of told me already
Mickey (6/25/2008 1:51:34 PM): im going to get it out of you sooner or later
Faith (6/25/2008 1:51:43 PM): maybe, i don't really wanna talk bout it
Mickey (6/25/2008 1:51:55 PM): i knew it something else is going on
Faith (6/25/2008 1:52:16 PM): ok so you're right, i don't want to talk bout it ok, so drop it please?
Mickey (6/25/2008 1:52:28 PM): i know you to well
Mickey (6/25/2008 1:52:34 PM): i know when your acting weird
Mickey (6/25/2008 1:53:18 PM): you have to know sooner or later were going to talk about whatever it is ?
Faith (6/25/2008 1:53:38 PM): an when that time comes i'll deal with it
Mickey (6/25/2008 1:54:28 PM): just a warning
Faith (6/25/2008 1:54:48 PM): i know we're going to
Faith (6/25/2008 1:54:57 PM): you know me, an i know you, so i already knew it was coming
Mickey (6/25/2008 1:55:15 PM): what do you mean ?
Faith (6/25/2008 1:56:09 PM): you know me, you know when something's up, an i know you'll eventually get what you want to know so i knew it was coming
Mickey (6/25/2008 1:56:34 PM): is that why you were trying to not talk to me last night very long
Mickey (6/25/2008 1:56:36 PM): or today
Faith (6/25/2008 1:57:09 PM): no i was gonna tell ya what was going on last night but you was going to bed, so i was going to bug you
Faith (6/25/2008 1:57:32 PM): an as for today, you got stuff to do, you never stick around so we'll eventually talk whenever you stick around again
Mickey (6/25/2008 1:58:29 PM): what do you mean i never stick around ?
Faith (6/25/2008 1:58:46 PM): at most anymore you're on maybe 30 minutes
Mickey (6/25/2008 2:01:07 PM): well then ill be around tonight
Mickey (6/25/2008 2:01:11 PM): and were going to talk about it
Faith (6/25/2008 2:01:19 PM): ok
Mickey (6/25/2008 2:02:36 PM): im going to take a bath
Mickey (6/25/2008 2:02:42 PM): so ill talk to you later
Faith (6/25/2008 2:02:50 PM): okies later
Mood: chilled

n1ghtshade Chance... May 23rd, 2008 10:56:51 am - Subscribe
It doesn't take much to make me feel like shit, and that I don't know nothing, which apparently I don't.

This pit bull puppy showed up Wednesday night, well he's the sweetest thing in the world, and he ate, an we looked him over, and he's got a few pelt gun shots in him, and a little gash on his neck, and then he disappeared late that night, so we didn't think he was coming back, cause stupid people around here, shoot dogs, just because their not theirs and they come into their yard. Its fucking stupid if you ask me, but then nobody did. So I was gone all day yesterday from like 2pm to like almost 10 pm, cause I went over to help Mandy with the wedding party stuff for Saturday, cause her and Donny got married, and their just now having the wedding party. And then they went up to the bar, so I went with them, cause its not like I had anything better to do other then get bitched at for more shit.

So I got home, and there was the puppy he was back (which the night before I had named Chance, cause he looks like Chance off of Homeward Bound but he's just black and white) so I told Danie the puppy was back, and she's like he is, an I'm like yeah, so she goes up to the store, and got dog food for him, and then came home, and started bitching at me for bringing a cheese burger home, cause I'm suppose to be on some stupid diet. Well anyways, he took off last night, and Danie went an found him, and now he's in the cage and he's even bleeding more then he was, cause the stupid boxer next door attached him, so we're not even trying to find out where he belongs anymore. Because where ever he belongs its obvious he's not being taken care of.

So since she won't let me keep him, cause he's a pit bull and apparently they always turn on their owners, and he's going to get bigger. Yeah they turn on their owners, but thats mostly cause of how their raised not because of the dog, but what in the world do I know right? I don't know shit. And so she named him Reaper, and Adam got up this morning, cause he took today off, and he's like so we got Reaper, and I'm like thats good, his name's not Reaper, and he's like okay fine what it is? And I'm like its Chance, and he's like who named him that, and I'm like Blake and I did, and he's like well thats a stupid name, he got named wrong, and I'm like whatever.

So we're going to see if anybody wants him or if anybody we know that knows somebody that wants him, if they will take care of him. And if not, I guess we're going to call around to the vet's offices and see if they know somebody that will take him, or if they'll take him and find a home for him, cause our stupid SPCA down here will automatically put him to sleep cause he's a pit bull.
Mood: hated
Music...: Breakdown - Breaking Bejamin

n1ghtshade So for those of you who don't already know... Apr 15th, 2008 7:50:07 am - Subscribe
I am now living with my sister, down near houston. And I don't know how long I'm going to be staying here, but I do like here. We left March 23rd at 2 am, and got in here March 24th at 12 pm, because we had to stop a couple times cause Adam needed to sleep. And I was originally just going to stay here until May 23rd when the boy's got out of school, but like after a few days of being here, I called My mom and she's like so why don't you just stay and find you a job? You're cats are fine, we're getting rid of Sassy, and ur fishes are fine. (Their still not going to be getting rid of Sassy, because the guy that was going to take her doesn't want her) So its either give her to the pound or shoot her. And my brother's are leaning toward's shooting her, but Mom's not going to let that happen.

I've talked to Kelly a few times since I've been here, (my online Mom) and we're talking about meeting, if its okay with my sister, which she's thinking about it, so we're hoping. Its so cool getting to talk to Kelly now. And being like an hour away from her, is AWESOME!

I've been voluneetering at the boys and girls club for a while now, but thats mostly just to hang out with my big sis. And I only have to go the days I want to go, considering I'm a voluneeter so I don't have to go in every day if I don't want to, but I normally do. And yes I am looking for a job, although that's so far not gotten me anywhere. And my parents are probably going to come down next month, and their going to be bring my computer *YAY* I wish they was bringing my cat to but they can't. And considering the last time I talked to them, I was really homesick and kind of told them I want to go home, so I guess they think their going to be bringing me home with them, but I do want to stay here, yes I get homesick every now and then, especially when Frisky hears me on speaker, and he starts meowing at me, and Tiny comes out of his room and Star licks the phone, and Sassy does really cute things like go over to the beggin strip bag and beg mom to give her one, just because she hears my voice.

But other then that I like being here. Although its really cold here right now and yes 40s in the mornings and night is cold to me lol. Other then that its been in the 70s and every now and then it will rain. My mom and them have been getting cold weather, and rain and ice storms, I so don't miss that weather. Danie's getting her two bottom teeth pulled today, cause they've really been hurting her. And she so doesn't like needle's but they do sleep dentistry and they do it through an IV so thats why the needles so hopefully they at least give her some kind of drug or something before they come near her with the needle.

I miss everybody here, but I haven't really had time to write, and when I do I'm usually to tired to actually have something to say. So when I can I'll try to write more but it'll be better when I have my computer.
Mood: happy
Music...: 106.5 The Wolf

n1ghtshade Pissed off Rant sorry Mar 13th, 2008 12:33:39 pm - Subscribe
So Mom's back to her normal self, I finally find out what she's really pissed at and taking it out on everybody and everything. Which is starting to piss me off. Mom's mad because Dad's back to working 12 to 14 hours shifts, because of the two mechanics that quit because Brad who got fired promised Tom and Tom Jr. Dad's job and the night shift manger job. So he got fired and so they decided to leave because he didn't pull through on his deal. So its just Dad and Earl on night shift now. And then when Dad does come home his phone is always ringing. And I looked at the clock and it said 11:59 and I realized Dad was still here, and he is usually out of here by 11:30 because he has to be there by twelve, and so I asked Mom why he's still here, and she's like because I didn't wake him up, and she had this stupid ass smirk on her face, and I'm he can't be late, and she didn't even say anything.

Just because she's pissed off at Dad's work does not mean she has to take it out of everybody including my Dad. when it's not his fault he's working the long hours again, it's the stupid ass people thats in charge in corporate and all the other head places fault's, because they refuse to get Dad some help, and even if they found some help the help wouldn't stay because corporate don't pay them enough for what they do, and they don't want to stay for low pay. (Honestly who can blame them?) She knows all this. She's just being (I'm sorry in advance) but she's being a bitch. (yes I did just say that) She needs to stop bitching about it, and get over it. Yeah its not good for him, yeah he's never home again, all this shit I GET THAT. But there's not a damn thing to do about it, so why make everybody's life hell because she's pissed off?

Okay I'm done ranting now. No I don't really feel better. But okay whatever. I got it out right.


P.S. I liked her a whole hell of a lot better when she was drugged up and sleeping a lot.
Mood: pissed off
Music...: Forever My Darling - Aaron Neville

n1ghtshade But the sun is still in the sky and shining above you.. Feb 22nd, 2008 9:38:29 am - Subscribe
I think I need to start writing again, not just in journal form but like I think I need to start writing short stories or something again like I use too, because I think if I can't get out what everybody thinks I need to in just writing, maybe I can that way, you know? Maybe then I can put everything into that. An maybe, it'll work. We'll have to see.
Mood: fragile
Music...: What's Left Of Me - Nick Lachey