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n1ghtshade The Letting Go - Subscribe
Okay, I can't say this probably will be the last entry of Eva. But I'm sure it will be the last time for quite a while. That being said. On to my night with miss Eva, and alcohol involved.

Considering Saturday was what Saturday was, I completely ignored it, and I didn't deal with it, what do I do? I fix the dinner, have the family dinner, watch The Invasion with Nicole Kidman note I can't really stand her, but it was a good movie, not one I'll watch again probably, but it was still good. So after that, I come in here talk to Hope for a while about her boyfriend who disappears and she of course wonders if I have anything to do with it at all. So after we got that settled, I start talking to her about other stuff. (I.E. Eva, you, jade, shannan, Saturday, what happened on this particular Saturday I'm ignoring, susan's funeral which was this Saturday to, and the family dinner, which I managed not to screw up!)

So then I end up getting drunk and Eva comes online, which at the moment I was particular happy about that, so I end up going and getting the phone to talk, so I call her, and after talking for a little while, I start hitting her with a bunch of questions of course after I ask her if it's okay, so question one was what would of happened if her and Cody hadn't got together, if we would of got back together, her normal answer, I don't know, if I hadn't met him, probably. Okay fine, answer enough, I forget the next one, but it had something to do with her and I I'm sure. And I'm almost sure her answer was I don't know. So her and I are talking a little bit, and she told me how she met Cody, something like out of the Romeo and Juliet scene is how she explained it, except he was on a bike haha. Cody and her are not really moving in together, but he'll still be there all the time I'm sure, so I asked her if he was going to possibly move in why in the world she told me for over a year, that she wanted to move me up there with her. And she's like well get you away from your Mom so you can grow up a little bit, because I am sure you and I wouldn't of worked.

Still okay fine. She told me if it was me, she would of moved on a long time ago, so I told her I couldn't, and then of course I asked her if she would listen to me, without getting pissed, and actually listened if I could explain that, so she said sure, kind of sounding annoyed, but hell we're getting somewhere, at least I think we are, and I was drunk so fine. So I explained to her my feelings, about everything, and a LOT of them centered around the dumb ass she's dating. Which then she goes into explaining to me why he is the way he is, so I have a little bit better understanding of him, but I still think he's a jerk. Which she knows. I finally told her. I can't stand him. Probably having this conversation probably wasn't the best of idea's but what the hell.

So all the while Mom gets up, so of course I had to explain things to Eva, or ask her questions, without Mom really knowing what's going on, which she probably does, but okay, on we go. So then I asked her why she keeps telling me she loves me, if she wants nothing out of me other then to sex. Because somewhere in there, she explained she wants to be with a guy, get married to them, and all that, and that she's content but she's not really happy, she wants to be in a relationship with a guy, but she wants to have sex with girls, and if I hadn't been drunk at the time, I probably would of ventured to tell her SHE CAN'T HAVE IT BOTH WAYS! She did tell me that to be honest (yes these are her words or at least as much as I remember of them) I love you yes, but its more like a friend or a sister way, and my having a girlfriend was just a stage in my life, to find out if I was really gay, and it took me four girlfriends to figure it out, and I'm like okay, well which one was I? And she's like you was four. And I'm like yeah and I'm sure I'm the one that fell the hardest for you, and she's like probably, and I'm sorry. No I didn't ask her what she was sorry for, cause I didn't even want to get into it, cause I'm getting answers here and I didn't really feel like asking her a billion questions about that, to piss her off, cause she's already pretty annoyed with me that I'm asking so many damn questions.

So then I told her that Jade was right, so then I went to explain that I had told Jade that I loved her, of course, and how I was feeling, and that she was with Cody, and all this other, and I did not have any private conversations with Jade about Eva that I wasn't suppose to be having I was just explaining to Jade my feelings. And so after she gets over that, she's like so what is she right about, and I told her that Jade had said it seems like I fell in love with a dream, and she's like oh, so I asked her if Jade was really right or not, or if it just seemed that way. And she's like I... and I'm like I don't want to hear an I don't know again, its a yes or no question, and she's like yes, you fell in love with a dream. So there it is, finally. Answers. That don't include "I don't knows." And then she's like you know I didn't mean to hurt you cause I don't want too, and at that moment I busted out laughing really really hard. And she's like okay I'm going to hang up now, and I'm like no don't please so on and so forth. So she's like okay so then I go on to explain that she already did, and she always has, with her making me think that she wanted me, but all she really wanted was sex, and so on and so forth, and somehow somewhere things probably would be different right now she said so herself if I hadn't blown up on her in December. Cause she actually said she actually had feelings for me then. And she's like well he has my heart, and I'm like well thats great, but you have mine. And she's like I know and I've been trying to give it back to you, and you don't seem to want it.

I don't seem to want my heart? How is that possibly, I'd rather have it then what she is and has done to it. But I didn't even bother to tell her that, cause she was wanting to hang up on me anyways, but okay, remind me not to call you, when I'm drunk okay? So her and I talked a little bit longer, and we both decided, mutually that its time, I let her go, I move on finally, and she said that since she's done what she's done when she makes me think she wants me. She said that we could either be friends only or nothing at this particular moment. So I think I can handle friends with her? Although I did explain to her I don't think we ever really was friends (Thanks everwood for sticking that part of the episode into my brain) but its still true, I don't really think we ever was. Honestly. And she was like well I'll be here if you ever need someone to talk to, cause I do understand you, you just annoy me every now and then. And then she's like "hold on" so I'm like okay, so she disappears, so I'm sitting there on the phone waiting listening to silence when the phone hangs up on me, I don't know if she did that, or if she meant to or what. But it did.

So I guess friends is a good way to end that conversation?

So now that I finally got answers out of her..her personally..

I think its time I can finally move on. Cause right now, I don't feel anything towards her at all, love, hate, any of it, I don't feel it. I do although feel like this part has finally ended that theres finally some closure to my feelings for her and her not so much feelings for me.

So now maybe I can put this song to some use and actually, mean the words to it.

Oh p.s. you was right, all of you that said there was nothing there. okay?

I came here to let you know
The letting go
Has taken place
I have held the winter's son
Become one
Set my pace
Isn't that what we wanted all along
Freedom like a stone
But I can say goodbye
Now that the passion's died
Still it comes so slow
The letting go

Piece by piece I take apart
This complicated heart
And I hope to find
Something I can prove is real
I can feel is truth
I can say is mine
That's all I ever wanted to be
The closer that I got
The further I could see
But when lovers change
And the night feels strange
We choose our road
The letting go

I came here to let you know
The letting go
Has taken place
Mood: hollow
Music...: Melissa Etheridge

n1ghtshade If Tomorrow Starts Without Me Feb 14th, 2008 11:18:07 am - Subscribe
This is originally on Jade's Memorial page on her website.

If tomorrow starts without me,
And I'm not there to see,
If the sun should rise and find your eyes
All filled with tears for me;

I wish so much you wouldn't cry
The way you did today,
While thinking of the many things,
We didn't get to say.

I know how much you love me,
As much as I love you,
And each time that you think of me,
I know you'll miss me too;

But when tomorrow starts without me,
Please try to understand,
That an angel came and called my name,
And took me by the hand,

And said my place was ready,
In heaven far above,
And that I'd have to leave behind
All those I dearly love.

But as I turned to walk away,
A tear fell from my eye
For all my life, I'd always thought,
I didn't want to die.

I had so much to live for,
So much left to do,
It seemed almost impossible,
That I was leaving you.

I thought of all the yesterdays,
The good ones and the bad,
The thought of all the love we shared,
And all the fun we had.

If I could relive yesterday,
Just even for a while,
I'd say good-bye and kiss you
And maybe see you smile.

But then I fully realized,
That this could never be,
For emptiness and memories,
Would take the place of me.

And when I thought of wordly things,
I might miss come tomorrow,
I thought of you, and when I did,
My heart was filled with sorrow.

But when I walked through heaven's gates,
I felt so much at home.
When God looked down and smiled at me,
From His great golden throne,

He said, "This is eternity,
And all I've promised you."
Today your life on earth is past
But here life starts anew.

I promise no tomorrow,
But today will always last,
And since each day's the same way
There's no longing for the past.

You have been so faithful,
So trusting and so true.
Though there were times
You did some things
You knew you shouldn't do.

But you have been forgiven
And now at last you're free.
So won't you come and take my hand
And share my life with me?

So when tomorrow starts without me,
Don't think we're far apart,
For every time you think of me,
I'm right here, in your heart.

-Author Unknown

Mood: sad
Music...: Remember Me This Way - Jordan Hill

n1ghtshade Rip: Susan Marie Lafalgio 1963 - 2008 Feb 14th, 2008 11:13:47 am - Subscribe
So I just got online to find out a really good friend of mine, that I haven't talked to in a couple years, died 3 days ago of breast cancer. She was 44 years old.

Susan Marie Lafalgio of Garnerville died on February 10, 2008 at Nyack hospital after a 13 month courageous battle with breast cancer. She was only 44. Born on April 30, 1963 in Haverstraw, NY to William and Ann Granese Lampariello. Susan grew up in Haverstraw and graduated North Rockland High School in 1981. She was currently a dispatcher at Cablevision in Oakland, NJ. Susan enjoyed partying and riding with her husband on their Harley and she was full of life. She loved spending time with her family especially her husband John and her daughter Marisa Ann. She was truly a friend to all. She will be missed dearly. . On August 31, 1991 she married John Lafalgio in St. Peters Church in Haverstraw. Survivors include her devoted and loving husband John of Garnerville, her loving daughter Marisa Ann Lafalgio, her dear brothers Joseph and his wife Janice Lampariello of Monroe, and William and his wife Susan of Lampariello of Lititz, PA. Her caring mom Ann Lampariello of Haverstraw, her dear sister-in-law Roseann Hammell of Garnerville, and her dear brother-in-law Vincent and his wife JoAnne Lafalgio of Stony Point. She is also survived by numerous nieces and nephews and countless friends, neighbors and coworkers at Cablevision. Friends may call on Thursday and Friday February 14th & 15th 2008 from 2-4 & 7-9 PM at T.J. McGowan Sons Funeral Home, Haverstraw. A Mass of Christian Burial will be held on Saturday February 16, 2008 at 10AM at St. Peters Church. Interment will be private. In lieu of flowers please make donations in Susan's memory to the American Breast Cancer Foundation.

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Mood: sad
Music...: Remember Me This Way - Jordan Hill

n1ghtshade And I Promise You That We Will Always Be Together Til The End Of Time Feb 10th, 2008 2:00:10 pm - Subscribe
Last night Eva fixed any problem we ever had, we finally talked on the phone last night. From like oh wow 3 am to 6 am when her phone died. And even before that we was on the computer talking for two hours before that, and I ain't to worried about her being with Cody, Cody's just a part of her life for the moment, and thats fine, he's what she needs right now, and I'm on the side lines, but I don't mind to much being on the sidelines right now, for one, it comes with a lot of benefits, and a lot of pain, but it all seems to work, and before anybody says, why do you put yourself through that, if theres a lot of pain.

Well she's worth it, she's worth all the pain in the world for the little moments we have. She's going to be coming down here this summer, if she can get the time off work *hopes and prays she can...crosses fingers* and if she can talk her mom into it she'll be down here. happy.gif Can it be summer now?? I don't know what else to say other then right now I am very happy, and very content, and I just want summer to be here.

And yes I know what I said the other night while talking to you. But last night changed everything. And I'm sure I'm probably setting myself up to get hurt again, but if it happens I can deal with it, its just how it goes.

This was our song, and it's still absolutely perfect.

I Love You

I must be crazy now
Maybe I dream too much
But when I think of you
I long to feel your touch

To whisper in your ear
Words that are old as time
Words only you would hear
If only you were mine

I wish I could go back to the very first day I saw you
Should've made my move when you looked in my eyes
'Cause by now I know that you'd feel the way that I do
And I'd whisper these words as you'd lie here by my side

I love you, please say
You love me too, these three words
They could change our lives forever
And I promise you that we will always be together
Till the end of time

So today, I finally find the courage deep inside
Just to walk right up to your door
But my body can't move when I finally get to it
Just like a thousand times before

Then without a word he handed me this letter
Read I hope this finds the way into your heart, it said

I love you, please say
You love me too, these three words
They could change our lives forever
And I promise you that we will always be together
Till the end of time

Well maybe I, I need a little love yeah
And maybe I, I need a little care
And maybe I, maybe you, maybe you, maybe you
Oh you need somebody just to hold you
If you do, just reach out and I'll be there

I love you, please say
You love me too
Please say you love me too
Till the end of time
These three words
They could change our lives forever
And I promise you that we will always be together

Oh, I love you
Please say you love me too
Please please
Say you love me too
Till the end of time
My baby
Together, together, forever
Till the end of time
I love you
I will be your light
Shining bright
Shining through your eyes
My baby

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Mood: loved
Music...: I Love You - Celine Dion

n1ghtshade Kelly Feb 5th, 2008 1:50:51 am - Subscribe

I just thought, Kelly's kind of back I guess. Which has always been my online mom since I was 16 or 17, and she's been around, but she mostly disappears alot but then she comes back, and who knows she might actually stay this time, although I doubt it. Anyways I thought I'd share, with you who Kelly is.

Kelly (Mom)

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Lisa And Kelly

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Kelly & her Girlfriend Lisa & Lisa's Dog (I like this pic)

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Yet another picture of Lisa and Kelly

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Kelly (Mom) Halloween 2007

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And I know I can't stand Kelly's girlfriend, but Mom's happy with her, so thats good. So therefore I'm happy for her even if I don't really like her girlfriend. Maybe one day I will though. I want Mom to come back and stay one of these days though. I guess we'll see huh?
Mood: insightful
Music...: I'll Be - Reba

n1ghtshade Subject... title... summary... whatever Feb 1st, 2008 5:06:00 pm - Subscribe
Its February. Wonderful February, okay I'm in a good mood what can I say? Hmm, I don't know not much has been going on, Mom's still sleeping, cause she still isn't feeling good, and Dan's sleeping, cause he's still sick and Abe's at work. And I've been working on finishing my book lol. I had a long talk with Jade yesterday. I texted her at like nine last night and we was just talking about a lot of stuff until I ended up calling her at like Midnight and then we talked for an hour and everything, which helped. Anyway she made a bunch of excellent points, like we was talking about how she's mostly over her eating disorder but yet it still comes back on her or tries to every now and then, especially she said it has been trying to a lot lately. And she was telling me how she use to feel about it and everything, which is pretty much how I have been feeling lately, except for the fact that I also feel like I'm still not good enough for anyone. And she told me there isn't much difference between her eating disorder and my cutting she says its all about control, you want that control, and then by taking that way, she said it feels like its being taken away and that you didn't have that control anymore, and you don't know what to do about that, cause you've had that control for so long you don't know what to do without it. And she was saying that for so long it was really hard for her to be happy because being happy is a whole new territory and you just get so use to not being happy, that its familiar and you don't want to lose that either. And it takes a lot to want to get help and getting help when you don't want it isn't going to work. She said there was so many times she probably should of went to counseling but didn't, there was so many times that she wanted help and didn't end up getting it, so many times she didn't want it, and she got it. Its amazing how to different things, are almost the same. But an eating disorder and cutting are pretty much the same thing, cause its still self harming either way.

There has been so many times I've been trying to explain how I feel, and I really couldn't, cause I didn't really know how I was feeling. And she explained it to me, without really meaning too. And I told her that she just explained how I was feeling, and she's like no no no, that's not good to feel like that, and it went into another long conversation, but she understands it, I don't know if I completely understand it, but yeah. I don't know talking to her helped last night. Its really hard getting over wanting that control over something, but it can be over come? It can be its just hard, I get that. And I don't know how it got brought up, or anything, but she did ask me if I have ever had an eating disorder, and I didn't know what to say cause its so hard to explain. I mean I don't really think I do really, its just lately. Lately, umm, I guess you could say I have a small problem? I don't really know how to explain it.

For me. I've never had a deep discussion about this, much less actually wrote it in anything. So I don't know really how to explain it. I've got just write it out for yourself in my head, which I have no idea what that means.

Okay, I really need to write this out so lets see if I can.

I don't know if anybody knows really why I first started cutting, why I first started having the urges to cut, and I don't even really know what gave me the thought to I just did it, I don't really honestly think anybody ever thinks of what gave them the thought of doing it the very first time. I could be wrong though. I was working for my mother's best friend when I was sixteen, by this month I had been working for her for two months, and everything seemed to be going okay well I don't know if its just this month that sucks or what, later this month, when I was sixteen I was raped by my Mom's best friend. There I said it, and people keep telling me it wasn't my fault I was only sixteen and that I should forgive myself, I don't know how too. I still haven't gotten over what happened, cause I don't know where to start, I really don't. I know that I need to deal with tis one day, and maybe one day I will, but I don't know if I will ever be ready to deal with it so therefore I don't really want to deal with it. I don't know where to start I don't know what the first step is. Two days after is when I started cutting. Two days after that I tried to kill myself, which didn't work, so what do I do? I cut more, and I try even harder to die. I tried to all the ways up to March 20th. So that's how I started cutting. Months later after it happened my Mom found out, Dan, Danie and Misti, Mom did the whole hugging me and crying and saying she was sorry, and she should of never let Pat near me and so on and so forth, and that is after she asked me if I was lying about it!!! Then three days later, it got blamed on me, all of it. And to this day it still is. Last summer, when I was working with Pat, how I could work with her I don't know, but I did anyway, she told me that she blamed it all on me because she didn't want to go to jail.

So now everybody knows why I hate February. I don't know what else to say. I can't breathe. I'm gonna find something to do.

Mood: unsafe
Music...: This Time - Vanessa Carlton

n1ghtshade Amazing - Blue October Jan 31st, 2008 12:39:34 am - Subscribe
How am I supposed to breathe?
I try to relax.
I touch your still frame
So I can watch you closer
And study the ways I believe I belong to you (i'm sorry)
I scratch at your waist line... your doll hair
I dig up the thought of how your eyes glow
So I make you my religion, my collision, an escape goat
So have I found your secret weak spot, baby?

Can you pretend I'm amazing?
I can pretend I'm amazing...
Instead of what we both know

I cut to the punch line baby
Can you pretend I'm amazing
Instead of what we both know

Now our history is for sale
And for that I apoligize
You see you're my only know how
The study of when I believe I belonged to you

You see I've made you into something delicious,
My sweet ghost
So have I found your secret weak spot, baby?

Can you pretend I'm amazing?
I can pretend I'm amazing...
Instead of what we both know

I cut to the punch line baby
Can you pretend I'm amazing
Instead of what we both know

Mood: upset
Music...: amazing

n1ghtshade yesterday's convo with Hannnah Jan 29th, 2008 12:08:50 pm - Subscribe
Hanz Dogz: heya sorry about yesty sweets had a really bad day
Hanz Dogz: i got so pissed yesty i was stupid and fucking cut
Faith: awww
Faith: and its okay just glad your okay -hugs-
Hanz Dogz: am now feel a little better just had really bad dreams
Faith: aww well at least your feeling better
Hanz Dogz: it was just one of them days you know ??
Faith: yeah
Faith: i understand
Hanz Dogz: and you dont know what started it or whats happeing and you can just feel yourself getting angrier and angrier and people start pushing your buttons till your going to snap
Faith: yeah
Hanz Dogz: i did yesty and i told my flatmate off for hounding me just had enough hey
Faith: wow
Hanz Dogz: then i went into the bathroom for a shower to calm down and yeah i was stupid paying for it now my leg is killing me and yeah all good
Faith: well it just happens sometimes
Hanz Dogz: i know and see i was telling you the other night didnt i ??
Hanz Dogz: and you have to stop listening to what people say about you and so do i
Faith: yeah its gonna take some pratice though lol
Hanz Dogz: i have to go to the docs today and i will prob have to get stictches in my leg but ohh well
Faith: yeah thats bad i've never cut that deep before
Hanz Dogz: i know it will matey thats the first time i cutted since my ex and i broke up about 5-6months ago
Faith: wow
Faith: well we both can get back to not doing it for months again -hugs-
Hanz Dogz: sounds like a challenge -hugs-
Faith: does it?
Hanz Dogz: see things have to be pretty fucked up for me too do that and i tell ya yesty i was FAR beyond caring hey
Faith: yeah i know how that goes
Hanz Dogz: i know i came across like a bitch hey and dont say i didnt coz i was
Hanz Dogz: thats y i went offline
Faith: hey its okay, it was good for me lol
Faith: its been a long time since somebody's just told me how it is without trying to cover it up with something
Hanz Dogz: it is but it isnt i know your situation and how hard it is to be talked to like an ass so thats y i thought no hannah get offline before you say something that your going to pay for tomorrow
Faith: yeah
Faith: well everybody else has yelled at me worse then you did yesterday so its okay, plus i knew that you understood what was going on, and you cared so it was just coming from that too
Hanz Dogz: yeah it was
Hanz Dogz: yeah but there yelling is caring abou themselfs not you
Faith: yeah
Hanz Dogz: trying to cover there asses incase something happens to you they did the good thing and said there piece
Faith: yeah they did
Hanz Dogz: you understand my point
Faith: yes
Hanz Dogz: havent had lots of experience but ive had enough to know
Hanz Dogz: people that say they care and yell and scream at you pisses me off hey
Hanz Dogz: and dont really show it yeah i dont know
Faith: yea it does me too lol a couple of them and i've had a few different talks and i think their figuring it out i just can't stop
Faith: and one of them told me i scare her, cause she's had a friend almost like me that died from it
Faith: so see i don't mind you yelling at me, cause i know a lot of the time thats what i need to get through to me lol
Hanz Dogz: see your learning fast
Hanz Dogz: but there is yelling and meaning it and yelling but not caring
Faith: yeah
Faith: well i know you care, so if i needed yelled at feel free to do so
Faith: need*
Hanz Dogz: lol
Hanz Dogz: you never NEED yelling at that doesnt help trust me
Faith: well it helped yesterday
Hanz Dogz: tell me how it helped ??
Faith: idk i was just in one of my moods and you yelling at me and telling me how things was just kind of helped a lot
Hanz Dogz: good im glad i could helpl you understand a little more
Hanz Dogz: now for the peanut dance
Hanz Dogz: lol sorry that was very random
Faith: its okay
Faith: i still don't want to stop cutting on my own though not really i mean yeah part of me does, and part of me doesn't really and i think i need a lil motivation to quit completely
Hanz Dogz: just.....i know this sounds a little stupid but what do you love more then anything in the world that dont cost money to do ?
Faith: writing
Hanz Dogz: well then.....everytime you feel like cutting instead of doing it....write about how it feels and how your going to do it
Hanz Dogz: but refrain from doing it can you try that for me ??
Faith: i can try it
Hanz Dogz: goodo and let me know how it works out
Faith: i will
Hanz Dogz: but you understand what im saying huh?
Faith: yes
Hanz Dogz: see mine was karaoke i know funni but i sang sad songs and how i felt songs
Hanz Dogz: like dixie chicks not ready to make nice
Faith: cool
Faith: thats a good song
Faith: i'm not real good at writing, but i like doing it most then anything else lol
Hanz Dogz: yeah i cant write for shit but thats one good piece of info ive been given hey
Hanz Dogz: just tunnel your cutting pain into something else and you dont do it
Hanz Dogz: see i could yesty and i cut
Faith: yeah
Faith: well we all have times where we slip up so its okay
Hanz Dogz: YES IT IS and you have to except that and if people keep telling you NO NO NO dont do it is going to subconsesly make you want to do it more
Hanz Dogz: for me please dont promise me....all this shit is fucked up ok
Faith: yea it is
Hanz Dogz: see its not omg your hurting yourself please stop its please stop for ME
Faith: yea
Faith: which is why i don't like telling people when it happens, but then they get even madder when they don't know lol
Hanz Dogz: yeah i know
Faith: i wanted to do it a lot more then i did but i kept ignoring it
Hanz Dogz: good but dont always ignore it coz it bottles up try doing something that will still bring that pain out but stop it from being cutting pain
Faith: yea
Faith: yea i got people telling me i need to go to a counseler
Hanz Dogz: thats bullshit im spose to go and i dont
Faith: well i don't really want to, cause i don't really open up to people unless i'm comfortable with them, and i don't want to spend a few hundred bucks just to go and then finally get comfortable with them
Hanz Dogz: yep
Hanz Dogz: well i know im on the other side of the globe but im here to help ive been in the same situation
Faith: i know you are and i'm here to help to if u ever need anything
Hanz Dogz: good as long as we know where each other stands thats great
Faith: yeah it is
Faith: i'm not so much good at the advice thing but i try, but i'm really good at listening
Hanz Dogz: sweet coz i like giving advice hahaha
Faith: cool
Faith: i'm glad i finally told u what was going on
Hanz Dogz: i know im glad you can confide in me feels good
Faith: well i trust you i always have
Hanz Dogz: -smiles- im glad you think that makes me happy
Hanz Dogz: ive never not talk to you i think your awesome
Faith: well i think your awesome too
Hanz Dogz: i think im the only one that calls you lighto still aint i ?
Hanz Dogz: i think im the only one that calls you lighto still aint i ?
Faith: yes
Hanz Dogz: -smiles- sweet
Faith: your the one that started it
Hanz Dogz: lol was i
Faith: yep
Hanz Dogz: shit hey i thought someoe else did
Faith: nope
Faith: you started it, and then it caught on for a little while and then it ended up being u was the only one that would still call me lighto
Hanz Dogz: ohh -blushes- if you dont like it i can stop
Faith: i like it
Hanz Dogz: good -smiles-
Faith: -smiles-
Faith: no one's ever came up with a nick name for me so yeah
Hanz Dogz: im STAVING its like 6.05am
Faith: wow
Hanz Dogz: im thinking of taking a trip down to maccas for sausage and egg mcmuffins with hashbrowns
Hanz Dogz:
Faith: yummy
Faith: i've always liked my lighto nickname -smiles-
Hanz Dogz: goodo ill stick to it
Faith: ok cool
Faith: mom's still sound asleep lol
Faith: wb
Hanz Dogz: sorry went and got breaky yummy
Faith: its ok
Hanz Dogz: sausage and egg mcmuffins with hash browns orange juice and smokes lol
Hanz Dogz: quick death
Faith: yummy
Hanz Dogz: i hope so
Faith: its weird mom wants to quit smoking
Hanz Dogz: its hard let me tell ya
Faith: yeah
Hanz Dogz: hey im going to go for abit and eat this ok
Faith: okies
Hanz Dogz: so chat later??
Faith: okies i'll be here
Hanz Dogz: just think about what i said ok
Faith: i will
Hanz Dogz: love ya lots -hugs-
Faith: love ya too -hugs-
Mood: great
Music...: Nothing Else Matters - Metallica

n1ghtshade These are the first 10 songs I woke up to this morning. Jan 24th, 2008 12:34:11 pm - Subscribe

Modern Day Drifter - Dierks Bently
I'm gonna be a modern day drifter
And get out while I can
Gonna trade in this life i've been livin
For a pocket full of sand
And a modern day drifter don't have to tell no one his plans

I'm gonna find that long stretch of highway
No one knows my name
Where as long as the sky just goes on
And it's never the same
A modern day drifter don't ever complain

Bye bye hi life
Feels like the right time
To say so long
Keep on goin strong
And i'll just keep on bein gone
Cause i'm gonna be a modern day drifter, Yes I am
Gonna slip this ring off my finger
Cause everybody understands
That a modern day drifter's got nothin but time on his hands

Bye bye hi life
Feels like the right time
To say so long
Keep on goin strong
And i'll just keep on bein gone
Cuse i'm gonna be a modern day drifter
Oh yes I am
Gonna slip this ring off my finger
Cause everybdy understands
That a modern day drifter's got nothin but time on his hands

My Immortal - Evanescence
I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase


I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along


Want To - Sugarland
(Verse 1)

I've packed a cooler and a change of clothes
Let's jump and see how far it goes
You got my heart and your daddy's boat
We got all night to make it float
We could sit on the shore, we could just be friends
Or we could jump in


Whole world could change in a minute
Just one kiss could stop this spining
We could think it through
But I don't want to, if you don't want to
We could keep things just the same
Leave here the way we came, with nothing to lose
But I don't want to, if you don't want to

(Verse 2)

I got your ring around my neck
And a couple of nights I don't regret
You got a dream of a degree
And a shirt that smells like me
Yeah we both got dreams, we could chase alone
Or we could make our own


Whole world could change in a minute
Just one kiss could stop this spining
We could think it through
But I don't want to, if you don't want to
We could keep things just the same
Leave here the way we came, with nothing to lose
But I don't want to, if you don't want to


Never waste another day
Wonderin' what you threw away
Holdin me, holdin you
I don't want to, if you don't want to


We could keep things just the same
Leave here the way we came, with nothing to lose
But I don't want to, but you don't want to

But I want you

Eventually - Pink
I'm an opportunity
And I knock so softly
Sometimes I get loud
When I wish everybody'd just get off me
So many players
You'd think I was a board game
It's every man for themselves
There are no teammates
This life gets lonely
When everybody wants something
They'll smile up in your face
But they'll get theirs eventually
And I hope I'm there

Surrounded by familiar faces with no name
None of them know me
Or want to share my pain
They only wish to bask in my light
Then fade away
To win my love, to them a game
To watch me live my life in vain
When all is done and the glitter fades, fades away
They'll get theirs eventually
And I hope I'm there

I drank your poison
'Cause you told me it's wine
Shame on you if you fooled me once
Shame on me if you fooled me twice
I didn't know the price
You'll get yours eventually

So what good am I to you
If I can't be broken
You'll get yours, yes
You'll get yours eventually

Life Is A Highway - Rascal Flatts
Whooo umm yeah...
Life's like a road that you travel on
When there's one day here and the next day gone
Sometimes you bend, sometimes you stand
Sometimes you turn your back to the wind
There's a world outside ev'ry darkened door
Where blues won't haunt you anymore
Where brave are free and lovers soar
Come ride with me to the distant shore
We won't hesitate
To break down the garden gate
There's not much time left today

Life is a highway
I wanna ride it all night long
If you're going my way
I wanna drive it all night long

Through all these cities and all these towns
It's in my blood and it's all around
I love you now like I loved you then
This is the road and these are the hands
From Mozambique to those Memphis nights
The Khyber Pass to Vancouver's lights

Knock me down get back up again
You're in my blood
I'm not a lonely man
There's no load I can't hold
Road so rough this I know
I'll be there when the light comes in
Just tell 'em we're survivors


Gimme gimme gimme gimme yeah


There was a distance between you and I (between you and I)
A misunderstanding once
But now we look it in the eye


There ain't no load that I can't hold
Road so rough this I know
I'll be there when the light comes in
Just tell 'em we're survivors

[Chorus: (x3)]
Life is a highway
I wanna ride it all night long
If you're going my way
I wanna drive it all night long

Gimme gimme gimme gimme yeah

Teardrops On My Guitar - Taylor Swift
Drew looks at me, I fake a smile so he won't see
That I want and I'm needing everything that we should be
I'll bet she's beautiful, that girl he talks about
And she's got everything that I have to live without

Drew talks to me, I laugh cause it's so damn funny
That I can't even see anyone when he's with me
He says he's so in love, he's finally got it right,
I wonder if he knows he's all I think about at night


He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star
He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do

Drew walks by me, can he tell that I can't breathe?
And there he goes, so perfectly,
The kind of flawless I wish I could be
She'd better hold him tight, give him all her love
Look in those beautiful eyes and know she's lucky cause

[Repeat Chorus]

So I drive home alone, as I turn out the light
I'll put his picture down and maybe
Get some sleep tonight

He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only one who's got enough of me to break my heart
He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do
He's the time taken up, but there's never enough
And he's all that I need to fall into..

Drew looks at me, I fake a smile so he won't see

Change - Garth Brooks
One hand
Reaches out
And pulls a lost soul from harm
While a thousand more go unspoken for
They say what good have you done
By saving just this one
It's like whispering a prayer
In the fury of a storm

And I hear them saying you'll never change things
And no matter what you do it's still the same thing
But it's not the world that I am changing
I do this so this world will know
That it will not change me

This heart
Still believes
The love and mercy still exist
While all the hatred rage and so many say
That love is all but pointless in madness such as this
It's like trying to stop a fire
With the moisture from a kiss

And I hear them saying you'll never change things
And no matter what you do it's still the same thing
But it's not the world that I am changing
I do this so this world will know
That it will not change me

As long as one heart still holds on
Then hope is never really gone

I hear them saying you'll never change things
And no matter what you do it's still the same thing
But it's not the world that I am changing
I do this so this world we know
Never changes me

What I do is so
This world will know
That it will not change me

You Are Loved (Don't Give Up) - Josh Groban
Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
When your heart's heavy
I...I will lift it for you

Don't give up
Because you want to be heard
If silence keeps you
I...I will break it for you

Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don't give up
Because you are loved

Don't give up
It's just the hurt that you hide
When you're lost inside
I...I will be there to find you

Don't give up
Because you want to burn bright
If darkness blinds you
I...I will shine to guide you

Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don't give up
Because you are loved

You are loved
Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
Don't give up
Every one needs to be heard
You are loved

Catalyst - Anna Nalick
L.A. lights never shine quite as bright as in the movies
Still wanna go?
'Cause something here
In the way, in the way that we're constantly moving
Reminds you of home

So you're taking these pills
For to fill up your soul
And you're drinking them down with cheap alcohol
And I'd be inclined to be yours for the taking
And part of this terrible mess that you're making
But me, I'm the catalyst

When you say love is a simple chemical reaction
Can't say I agree
'Cause my chemical, yeah, left me a beautiful disaster
Still love's all I see

So I'm taking these pills for to fill up my soul
And I'm drinking them down with cheap alcohol
And you'd be inclined to be mine for the taking
And part of this terrible mess that I'm making
But you, you're the catalyst

You'll be the vein
You'll be the pain
You'll be the scar
You'll be the road, rolling below
The wheels of a car
And all of the thoughts, on God
Don't know if I'm strong enough now
You'll be the vein
You'll be the pain
You'll be the

These L.A. lights, no no,
They don't shine quite as bright as back in Frisco
Do you wanna go?
Still wanna go

Seven Spanish Angels - Willie Nelson
He looked down into her brown eyes,
Said, " Say a prayer for me."
She threw her arms around him,
Whispered, "God will keep us free."
They could hear the riders comin,
He said, "This is my last fight.
If they take me back to Texas,
They won't take me back alive."

There were seven Spanish Angels,
At the alter of the Sun.
They were prayin' for the lovers,
In the valley of the gun.
When the battle stopped,
And the smoke cleared.
There was thunder from the throne.
And seven Spanish angels,
Took another angel home.

She reached down and picked the gun up,
That lay smokin in his hand.
She said, "Father please forgive me,
I can't make it without my man."
And she knew the gun was empty,
And she knew she couldn't win.
Her final prayer was answered,
When the rifles fired again.
Mood: content
Music...: My Immortal - Evanescence

n1ghtshade Janurary...Twenty-third...two-thousand-eight... Jan 23rd, 2008 10:35:06 am - Subscribe
Faith: -hugs-
Hanz Dogz: heath ledger died -cries-
Faith: aww yeah i know
Hanz Dogz: ive been at work and just found out
Faith: oh
Faith: he was found in some new york apartment
Hanz Dogz: he was one of my fave actors -cries-
Faith: awwww -hugs-
Faith: somebody said that they said it was a drug overdose
Hanz Dogz: they said he suffered from anxiety
Hanz Dogz: and all he wanted to do was sleep
Faith: oh
Faith: i'm wide awake lol
Hanz Dogz: so am i haha
Hanz Dogz: i just finished work im eating dinner
Faith: cool
Hanz Dogz: its almost midnight lol
Faith: lol oh
Faith: its almost 7 am here
Hanz Dogz: ive been at work since 5.15
Faith: wow
Faith: i kind of like this being up early thing lol
Faith: nobody's up and its just me, so its nice and quite
Faith: quiet*
Hanz Dogz:
Hanz Dogz: lol i like to be a noisy fucker but i cant
Faith: yeah me 2
Faith: and i have no clue what i'm listening to
Hanz Dogz: lol
Faith: and my plan is to stay up the rest of the day lol
Hanz Dogz: nice happy.gif
Faith: yeah
Hanz Dogz: im going to hop into the shower i smell like pizza
Hanz Dogz: brb
Faith: hb
Hanz Dogz: back
Hanz Dogz: thats better
Faith: wb
Hanz Dogz: ty
Faith: yvw
Faith: well i knocked over a bunch of stuff, a couple minutes ago, so i'm hoping it didn't wake up my brother lol
Hanz Dogz: lol
Hanz Dogz: well done

Faith: well i went to the bathroom to put peroxide on my cuts (which don't look right but then again they've never been this deep either) and then i came back over here and ran into my chest and everything decided it wanted to crash to the floor lol
Hanz Dogz: lol
Hanz Dogz: y may i ask you have cuts -rised eyebrow-
Faith: thats a long story lol mostly i put them there, and yeah their deeper then normal and yeah
Hanz Dogz: -blush- i know ive done that myself PLENTY of times
Faith: oh well i've done it since i was 15
Hanz Dogz: yeah i was 12 when i started
Hanz Dogz: when my pop passed away
Faith: oh
Faith: i'm sorry
Hanz Dogz: i used to hit myself on the thighs till i was black
Faith: ouch
Faith: nobody knows except a few close friends my parent's don't even know
Hanz Dogz: shit hey
Hanz Dogz: its hard i know
Hanz Dogz: -hugs-
Faith: yeah -hugs-
Faith: a bunch of them think i'm nuts
Hanz Dogz: i dont think your nuts my ex was a HUGE cutter
Hanz Dogz: she has scars ontop of scars
Faith: yeah i don't have to many scars, although i've cut alot, but i don't always scar for some reason
Hanz Dogz: depending how you do it i guess i dont have many scars either i just dont
Hanz Dogz: in a way its good but i would like some sometimes
Faith: yeah me 2
Hanz Dogz: i used to perposly get scratched at work when working with the reptiles just coz it felt good
Faith: wow, i all of a sudden don't feel so out of place
Hanz Dogz: its all good sweety -hugs-
Faith: -hugs-
Hanz Dogz: you ever need ANYTHING im here
Faith: thanks i aperiate that, same goes for you
Hanz Dogz: sweet by the way....your not weird
Faith: thats good to know, cause i feel like it most of the time, and people keep telling me i am
Faith: i'm a lil worried about these ones, cause when i did it yesterday morning, i didn't feel anything, and i still don't, and i know i should
Hanz Dogz: no not all the time
Hanz Dogz: ive done some that i think FUCK that was bad but felt nothing
Faith: well thats where i am
Hanz Dogz: dont worry its all good not to feel anything
Faith: completely not feel anything though?
Hanz Dogz: its all good
Hanz Dogz: trust me
Faith: i trust u
Hanz Dogz: you need to hear it plan out i know
*more conversation skipped conversation*
Hanz Dogz: yeah but you cant just stop coz someone tells you
Faith: yeah
Faith: i try though
Hanz Dogz: you do it if you want to not coz your told
Faith: and then they make me promise not to, and i'm good for a whileand then i do things like yesterday
Faith: i want to so i can stop hurting everybody i just don't know how
Hanz Dogz: i tell will never give it up!!!
Faith: its like they tell me all the time to deal with things, stuff i haven't, and its like i don't know how, cause i've never been good at dealing with stuff
Hanz Dogz: its something thats in yourlife and there will always be this thing in the back of your head to do it
Faith: yeah and i always give into that thing
Hanz Dogz: you may never cut again but it will be in your head to
Hanz Dogz: im the very same so i understand completely
Faith: i almost went 8 months without doing so last year
Hanz Dogz: good
Faith: and then i messed up and did it the first of december, and then people made me promise not to, and i was doing good up until yesterday
Hanz Dogz: its all good dont make people tell you wat you can and cant do with your body ok
Faith: ok
Faith: you know i'm a lil shocked...i've talked to a lot of people about this mostly people that have done it or do it still, and its like they don't get me, and idk, it seems like you actually understand me without even me trying
Hanz Dogz: happy.gif
Hanz Dogz: see you just get people sometimes
Hanz Dogz: and its all good you really dont have to say much for me to understand
Hanz Dogz: you take things to heart VERY easy like me....
Faith: yeah i do
Hanz Dogz: and i tell ya its hard to get it out of your head
Hanz Dogz: and it eats at you and eats at you until you snap
Hanz Dogz: and cutting is your releasr
Hanz Dogz: release*
Faith: yeah it is
Hanz Dogz: im the same but i dont cut very often mine is taking drugs, sleeping and drinking
Hanz Dogz: and getting angry
Faith: yeah
Faith: i drink a lot, just on weekends and sleep alot, and cut, and if all that don't work i try and forget everything just ignore it all
Hanz Dogz: thats y im on the puter alot!
Faith: yeah me 2
Faith: well i shouldn't be because we're way over our limit
Faith: but idk
Faith: i started cutting the day after i was raped by my mom's bestfriend, then months later my parents found out what happened, then 3 days later, it all got blamed on me, everybody believed my mom's bestfriend, and she still hangs around, and mom and her are close as ever, and i haven't dealt with that, and i haven't dealt with getting raped by my mom's bestfriend's neighbor last march either
Hanz Dogz: i pay for my own internet
Faith: well as soon as i get a job, in a couple months, if not sooner, i will be lol
Hanz Dogz: -shakes head-
Hanz Dogz: see thats fucked
Faith: yeah
Faith: and no the guy last year isn't in jail, i didn't do anything about it, cause i knew it would be the same as last time
Faith: which is why brandy thinks that it doesn't bother me
Hanz Dogz: -hugs- i think it does matter
Hanz Dogz: i was raped at school by a guy that was in my class
Faith: it does -hugs-
Hanz Dogz: and i STILL havent gotta over it
Faith: wow
Faith: -hugs-
Hanz Dogz: i can sleep with guys it scares the fuck out of me
Hanz Dogz:
Hanz Dogz: i think thats one thing that helped me find out that i was gay
Faith: yeah well the guy last year kind of destoryed my hope for ever being with a guy
Hanz Dogz: they do that !! assholes
Faith: yeah they do
Faith: you know i've thought about telling you about my cutting and everything lots of times before, but i didn't cause i figured you'd freak out like a lot of other people so yeah
Hanz Dogz: ohh HELL no
Hanz Dogz: i suprise people hahah
Hanz Dogz: -smiles-
Faith: -smiles- yeah you do
Faith: its funny people try to get me to talk bout whats going on in my head, and lots of time i do tell them, and they don't get it so idk half the time i don't know what is going in my head myself lol
Hanz Dogz: lol
Hanz Dogz: i know how that feels
Hanz Dogz: ppl trying to get me to take anti depressants i dont want to
Hanz Dogz: and see councelers
Faith: yeah people have tried to get me to see councelers and doctors, and i'm scared of doctors so i don't go, besides i don't think it would help and i've thought about the whole anti depressants but i've heard from a lot of people that they just make you feel worse
Hanz Dogz: i didnt like them
Hanz Dogz: it didnt work
Faith: yeah i did find out talking to people helps a lot
Hanz Dogz: yeah it can
Faith: which i do talk alot..not so much to people how i'm really feeling and stuff, unless i think their really going to get it and not think i'm weird or nuts or crazy or anything like that, and then if i do find somebody who i can trust who doesn't think all that, i'm pretty much an open book lol
Hanz Dogz: lol
Hanz Dogz: god your so like me
Hanz Dogz: yr older then me right ??
Faith: nope i'm 19
Hanz Dogz: yeah younger
Faith: yep
Faith: its weird cause i think mom has an idea of what's going on, where all these scars have come from, and everything, and yet she doesnt want to deal with it
Hanz Dogz: they dont normaly
Faith: lol maybe next month i'll try not to even realize its actually febuary lol
Hanz Dogz: lol
Faith: i don't techinally like next month lol
Faith: thats a cool snoopy tattoo -smiles-
Hanz Dogz: thanks -smiles-
Faith: your welcome
Hanz Dogz: i love my frog on my leg more
Faith: yeah the frog is pretty
Faith: its to quiet now lol i'm not use to everybody being asleep at the same time lol
Hanz Dogz: lol
Hanz Dogz: yeah everyone is asleep here
Faith: cool
Hanz Dogz: but im still wired from work
Faith: lol yeah
Faith: my cats are fights so there isn't any point in going to bed because they'll just wake me up and i'll have to go save frisky again lol
Faith: fighting*
Faith: dad will be up in a couple hours sure and i bet he wakes up mom like he has a habit of doing so then it won't be quiet anymore lol
Hanz Dogz: hehe
Faith: and then i can get a cup of coffee lol
Hanz Dogz: i still have about 2 hours before april comes wakes me up to take her to work
Faith: oh
Hanz Dogz: yeah she starts work at 5 and i drive her to work
Faith: cool
Hanz Dogz: so im sorry to be a pain im going to head to bed
Faith: okies have a good night
Faith: -hugs-
Faith: take care
Hanz Dogz: take care of yourself and if you ever need anything just leave me a message ok
Faith: okies i will
Faith: u2
Hanz Dogz: and ill get back to asap
Hanz Dogz: -hugs-
Faith: -hugs-
Hanz Dogz: love ya matey -hugs & kisses-
Faith: love ya to -hugs & kisses-
Mood: okay
Music...: A New Day Has Come (Radio Remix) - Celine Dion

n1ghtshade Ring and Card Jade sent me :) Jan 21st, 2008 4:30:38 am - Subscribe
So this is what Jade got me for Christmas isn't it nice? I love it happy.gif

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

And the card she sent me

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

The Truth About Love
For Faith
By Jessica "Jade"

No matter what you think about love
forget it now and look to yourself
I can see it in the words you say
You're loving people
And all they do is play these games
that make you want things
you think you wanna find
Well, I'm here to tell you
Lifes not kind, but

Hold on strong, don't waste a second more
These people after you
Can't give you anything you deserve
Don't settle for less.
I'm right behind you
Always, Forever I'm here to help you.

Every single day can get harder
Loneliness just keeps sinking in
Believe me, I know how it feels
To have your heart crucified,
Just like Jesus when all he did
Was try sometimes bad things
Happen to good people.
And you're the best they come
Trust me you've helped saved me
And I'll always save you, if I can

Look ahead don't look behind you
Believe every word thats in your heart
When its hurting, scared
Listing off things things it needs to be free
Believe me when I say
It's really all going to be okay.

Seasons Greetings

I just want to say "Hi!"
I love you, Merry Christmas & Thank god I found you!
Thanks for always being there
Love Always,
Jessica "Jade"
Mood: okay
Music...: You Rescued Me - Jamie O'Neal

n1ghtshade Unknown by Faith Jan 21st, 2008 4:00:59 am - Subscribe
I cut
I cry
And yet I don't
I don't feel any better
But Yet I don't feel any worse.

I don't feel anything at all
So I cut again
Hoping to feel something
I don't need to feel much
Just something.

Other then this dark emptiness
I am crying even harder now
I can barely breath
Why can't I feel anything?

I silently scream
I cut even deeper
I start to bleed
Finally something
Why do I get to this point?

I am crying so hard I can't see
But I am still cutting
Still trying to feel
Still silently screaming
Why can't I stop?

So many thoughts are
Going through my mind
I stop.

Everything around me is silent
Darkness falls around me
But its beautiful
It calms me and tortures me
All at the same time.

I let out a scream
Cause the silence is to much to bare
I still feel so numb
I'm bleeding
Its beautiful.

I'm shaking
When will I feel again?
I take a deep breath
Still barely breathing
I run my razor acrossed my arm.

Still nothing
Just more blood
More tears run down my face
Over and over again
I drag the blade acrossed my skin

Trying to feel
The only sound now
Is my heartbeat
Blood is flowing down my arms now
I go outside the stars are shining.

So I'm not alone
I fall to the ground
I cut
One last time

What is wrong with me?
I drop the razor
It falls to the ground
I look up at the stars
Crying harder
Still barely breathing.

The moon comes out
And joins the stars
Its a full moon
Its bright white
It seems to be smiling at me.

The cold wind starts to blow
At first I can't feel it
Then all of a sudden
I feel it
Against my skin and face.

And I make a silent promise
To the wind, moon and stars
To pick up a razor
Ever again.
Mood: emotionless
Music...: She Hasn't Heard It Yet - Jamie O'Neal

n1ghtshade How long do you expect me to wait Dec 19th, 2007 12:58:00 pm - Subscribe
Wow I haven't been writing in here.

I would suppose thats cause I don't really got anything to say.

So its almost Christmas, I want it to go away, and yet at the same time I kind of excited. I can't make up my mind.

New years eve however I'm not looking forward to. Oh well.

Jade's acting weird but I guess thats good. happy.gif I think its just cause she's excited cause her birthday is tomorrow, and then Christmas is Monday and Tuesday.

She sent my Christmas present and Christmas card but it won't be here until sometime next week cause she's getting a late start on stuff. But thats okay. As long as it gets here happy.gif
Mood: exhausted
Music...: Be You're Girl - Aslyn

n1ghtshade blah Nov 29th, 2007 11:57:55 am - Subscribe
I've been up exactly 42 minutes, and I've already pissed Mom off, but oh well, I don't really give a damn, she just had to push the fact I'm not working back in my face again, but like I reminded her SHE is the reason I'm not working, cause she don't want me working till this spring, 4 more months 2 days.

If it was up to me I would of been working this October, soon after I turned 19. But oh hell no I can't do what I want cause she still acts like I'm 2. So its her own damn fault, I don't got money, and I AIN'T WORKING! - Unique MySpace Generat
Mood: agitated
Music...: Another Year Has Gone By - Celine Dion

n1ghtshade Confusion anyone wanna tell me what I should do Nov 26th, 2007 8:47:43 am - Subscribe
So its 8 in the morning, 8:46 to be exact but whatever. Anyways, you know this whole thing with Eva wanting to move my butt up to Missouri when she gets a place? Well that sounds great, theres just more that goes with that.

Last Monday Eva tells me she loves me, and she wants to move my butt up to Missouri, when she gets her place, and kick him out lol, and I'm like well, Cody wouldn't like that would he? And she's like well he's probably going to the Marines and she isn't going to wait on him forever, and if he does, or something happens with them she would give us another chance right. Oh and she's pregnant, she didn't tell me that until after she told me he's probably going into the Marines. So she finally told him, that she's pregnant and he told her that his life was fucked up, and he don't want the baby, cause he didn't want kids now if ever. So unless something has changed between then and now, I guess, I'd go up there.

There's more though.

Jade wants me to move up there with her, cause she thinks it would be good for me, and I think it would be good for me to be around her for a while too. So that's an option. One in which I am going to consider.

I was talking about all this to Mickey last night, and I'm like well there is no reason for me to stay in Texas is there? And she's all going into what do I want her to say and all that, and I don't care what she says, I just want her to give me a reason to stay. But she won't which I know, and I wanted her to tell me what she thought I should do, stay, go to IL, or go to Missouri. And she has no clue. I have no clue.

I did tell her though that if I leave Texas I probably won't come back unless something happened to my parents or my brothers, or my sister. Or Misti or my nephews. Or if my sister and the nephews wanted me to come down.

I have no idea what I want to do, what I should do.

Cause I wanna stay in Texas and see if something would happen with me and Mickey, but she probably won't even be there next year, cause of some ex, he wants to get back with her, and he wants her to move up there with him, and they will probably eventually get married and have kids and the whole nine yards.

I wanna go to Missouri and be with Eva and the baby, but she needs to figure out what she wants to do first, and I don't want to push anything.

So that leaves IL right?

So that would be the best choice, right?

(Jess what do you think?????)
Mood: confuzzled
Music...: 45 - Shinedown

n1ghtshade Happy Thanksgiving Nov 21st, 2007 11:05:48 pm - Subscribe
Faith: k i'm gonna tell ya now so if you think the same thing brandy does you can get over being pissed at me lol if cody and eva split either cause of the kid or marines eva said she'd give me another chance, and she also told me when she gets her place she's moving my butt up there and she loves me so yeah
Hope Burton: as long as ur happy then so be it
Faith: well i am happy with her, i always have been and i've always hated cody cause he's an ass but thats besides the point lol
Faith: but both brandy and keri think its wrong and so on and so forth, cause cody should be with the kid and so on and so forth
Hope Burton: if he dont want to be there then hes gonna be an ass to her an most likely beat on her an the child .. so why let it happen
Faith: yeah well he don't want the kid, he's pissed off at her
Faith: he told her his life is fucked up, and he told her he didn't want kids now if ever
Hope Burton: so why let it happen
Faith: well at this point eva don't care
Faith: at least thats what she told me this morning
Hope Burton: then he should have wraped it before he tapped her
Faith: yeah thats what mom's been saying
Faith: she's been bitching all day cause of cody and eva
Faith: and i'm like so it happened, eva wants the kid, and cody's an ass
Hope Burton: if i was her id kick him out an sue him for childsupport
Faith: lol i don't know if eva would do that, but i think she'll let me kick his ass lol, cause i told her i would if it made her feel better
Faith: and she said its fine for now and she don't care
Faith: and she's already misscarried one kid
Faith: so she needs to relax and not worry about what cody wants to do
Faith: she just needs to take care of her and her kid
Hope Burton: yeah
Faith: but keri and brandy are mad cause i want to be there to help her if she needs me
Hope Burton: its not up to them its up to u an her
Faith: i know
Faith: but it bugs me that their pissed off about it, when they shouldn't be
Hope Burton: tell them that you are doing what ur heart wants
Faith: yeah and my hearts always wanted her
Faith: i haven't quit loving her when she broke up with me last year i tried and i can't
Faith: i know the whole me wanting him to go into the marines is bad (cause he wants to go anyways)
Hope Burton: its not bad, its just how you feel its normal
Faith: yeah but its cause i want my girl back lol
Faith: i wanted to kill him the first time i met him, cause he made her cry twice
Hope Burton: awww
Faith: and all he's been to her since she's been with him is an ass
Faith: i almost asked her why in the world she stays with him if he's always an ass, but i know the answer to that she loves him
Faith: but even if i don't end up with her again, i'm still going to do anything i can for her
Faith: and i think my mom knows that i love eva
Hope Burton: thats cool
Faith: yeah
Faith: i don't think she's happy about it, but i don't think she minds it to much either, cause she likes eva
Faith: it was weird monday night eva's just like faith i love you, and i'm like i love you too, and then we was talking about something and she's like well when i get a place i'm moving your butt up here and i'll just kick cody out and i'm like he won't like that, and she's like well he's going into the marines and i won't stay with him forever, and i'm pregnant
Faith: lol
Faith: and she even told me last night she loves me, which she hasn't and won't do, but well she hasn't since oh say last march lol
Faith: so i know she means it
Hope Burton: wow
Faith: what?
Hope Burton: i dont know i lost my thought
Faith: and i figured out if we was still together it would of been 2 years october 13th
Faith: and she did say this morning she thinks if we had stayed together, we would probably still be together
Hope Burton: cool
Faith: i've been in love with her since i was 16 lol
Hope Burton: awww
Faith: and we was suppose to get married after i turned 21
Hope Burton: wow
Faith: cause we got engaged a month after we got together lol and she didn't wanna marry me until i was 21 cause she wanted me to be able to drink when we got married lol
Hope Burton: lol
Faith: and she told me she was going to move my butt up there and make me go to college and she was going to go to culinary school lol
Faith: and then we was going to have a bunch of kids
Hope Burton: cool
Faith: yep
Faith: we had our life planned out
Hope Burton: cool
Faith: and i never thought that i'd get her back and i swear i thought i'd die when she broke up with me lol
Hope Burton: i know how hard that can be
Faith: soo she isn't just another idk lol
Hope Burton: i know what you mean
Mood: hopeful
Music...: Watching Airplanes - Gary Allan

n1ghtshade random shit. Nov 20th, 2007 2:19:57 pm - Subscribe
my mother amazes me.

lets see, she's been wanting hope to come for thanksgiving and christmas right?? which is fine, whatever, i don't really care anymore, cause hope seems to care more about mom lately anyways.

so i've been talking to eva, or was until about 5 this morning, anyways, she's hinting that she's still in love with me, and she told me that she might not be with cody much longer, cause he's going into the marines, and she's not going to wait on him forever, oh and she said if that ever did happen, she'd give us another chance happy.gif so out of the blue last night i asked mom if she'd think about if eva could come for christmas (mind you i said christmas, and not thanksgiving lol) and so mom said she would think about it, and let me know today (cause it was last night when i asked her lol) and so mom asked me where eva was from which she damn well knows lol (okay so she pissed me off lol) and i'm like missouri and she's like thats a hell of a way to come from to come down here, and she can come, and i'm like yeah i'm sure she can, and if she wants to she can. anyways, i was standing there thinking "what the hell, its a hell of a way to come from missouri, but if i remember right kentucky's farther and she wants hope to come so what's the problem." lol and i just asked her if i could ask her a stupid question which she didn't even let me get out, lol, cause i was going to ask her, lets see missouri is what up there? and kentucky's farther, and you still want hope to come, and she's like faith we're going to have a snow storm (and apparently we are having a snow storm for thanksgiving) do you really want a pregnant eva in that??? and i'm standing there thinking "whoa, so eva's pregnant so we're having a snow storm, lol i didn't ask for thanksgiving did i??? hmm nope." and i'm like uh hope's pregnant to and you still wanted her to come, and she's like thats before i knew she was pregnant, and i almost told her she knew damn well hope was pregnant (cause i told her and i know damn well she knew). is it mom's job to drive me insane??? because its working...

oh and eva told me she loved me, before she told me she was pregnant, and after she told me once she gets her place she's going to move my butt up there lol, and she's gonna kick cody out lol which is when she told me he's going into the marines lol.
Mood: confuzzled
Music...: our song - taylor swift

n1ghtshade Mary Nov 19th, 2007 7:49:49 am - Subscribe
I just found out last night, that Mary possibly had a small stroke, the doctor's say she didn't, but it seems like she did, she don't remember much, and she hardly talks and not talking good and her bone cancer is bad she hurts more and more, and the doctor's says she has short term memory loss. And she don't remember me, but she remembers Shannan, so thats good. And maybe in time, she'll start remembering things and she will get better? She can right???

I knew this might happen one day, but I didn't think it would happen so soon, I just talked to her a couple weeks ago, and she seemed okay.

i don't know what to think...what to say...i just i don't know
Mood: sad

n1ghtshade Random Stuff. Nov 13th, 2007 4:40:43 am - Subscribe
So there's this girl I met Sunday night her name is Kim, she's from South Carolina (Why is it everybody I wanna date is in a different state then me? possibly cause its telling me I need to move?) and she's twenty-seven, and she's 5'7, brown hair, brown eyes, happy.gif and she likes to ask a bunch of random questions, which is cool, other then I don't know much about her, other then she is from Alabama and she moved to South Carolina for a job and college, and she decided to stay, she's sweet, and funny, and cute, and I like hanging out with her, and she likes to talk, and she seems pretty cool so far, I still need to get to know her a lot better, but I wouldn't mind dating her, in fact I asked her out, a couple hours after we started talking, and I got a maybe, and then she asked me if I meant her moving here, me there, or online, and I told her I supposed online for now, and then we could see what happened. And she hates Rap music, which is fine, cause the only rap I listen to and thats not often is Eminem and I can't wait to talk to her, I only have one problem I'm really shy around her, and because of that I'm really quiet, and she thinks I'm busy most of the time because of this, and I'm not I just don't know what to say to her, but I think I fixed that lol, I think its cause I put pressure on myself about dating her, and if I just relax and chill out, and see what happens, I think it'll be okay. I am scared cause I have a habit of pushing people away, and I don't want to push her away, I don't want to lose her, I want a chance with her. But I don't even know if she likes me, I think she does, but I don't really know.

So thats all I really know about her right now, but I'm hoping to find out so much more.

Jade asked for my mailing addy, cause she apparently wants to send me a christmas present for some reason. So I asked Mom and after giving me a weird look and thinking about it for a couple minutes she said it was okay. So I'm going to try to talk Mom into letting send one with my Christmas card, well see.

I don't think Misti, Micah, Christian, and Shane are coming for Thanksgiving sad.gif Which sucks, cause I was looking forward to that, but they don't have a car right now, cause they got into a car accident a couple weekends or so ago, but their okay. And Mom don't think Misti's going to stay with Shane, so we'll see.

And I don't think Danie, the boys and Adam are coming either sad.gif I don't know yet on that either, but we'll see I'm hoping they all come.

I was kind of looking forward to having a full house of people but that don't look like its going to happen, I'm still hoping though.

But maybe they will all show up for Christmas, maybe?

I miss my grandparents sad.gif I wish they was here too.

It was funny, Kim wanted to find out so much about me, but she was scared to ask cause she don't want to scare me away, and she isn't going to scare me away, I'm scared of scaring her away though or pushing her away, or screwing up somehow, I don't want to do any of that, I want her to stay around, I want us to get along, and we seem to get along good, she smokes but hates the smell of smoke, she drinks, and she likes bad girls, lol. She keeps wondering if something she says is to much info or not, and nothing about our talk the other night was to much, it wouldn't have been a normal conversation most people would have, first meeting a person, but thats what was so cool about it, and all the random questions, I'm comfortable being around her.

Kim: what made brandy turn me lose on you
Kim: lol
Kim: she thinks I am bad
Faith: cause i told her i wanted a gf and asked her if she knew any single lesbians she wanted to send my way and she told me about u lol
Kim: dang
Kim: lol
Faith: which i'm glad she did lol
Kim: how long have you known her
Kim: me too
Faith: since i was 15
Kim: wow
Kim: you are shy?
Faith: just a bit lol at least until i get to know somebody lol

I kind of miss her, I hope I get to talk to her tomorrow. I'm hoping, oh wait it is tomorrow, so I hope later today lol.
Mood: pleasant
Music...: Allison Krauss - When You Say Nothing At All

n1ghtshade Lost - Faith Hill Nov 9th, 2007 11:35:32 pm - Subscribe
I think I really messed up again...


[1st Verse]
Is it obvious to you
When you walk into a room
Your face is all I see
And my heart races so fast
I never knew a rush to feel like that
Every time you're touching me

[Pre Chorus]
I never did believe in anything
I couldn't hold between my fingers
But the way you make me feel
It's just so real the way it lingers

I get lost inside your stare
Lost when you're not there
When everything I have doesn't mean a thing
If it's without you
If it's a dream, don't wake me up
I'll scream if this isn't love
If bein' lost means never knowin'
How it feels without you
I wanna stay lost (forever)
(I wanna stay lost forever with you)

[2nd Verse]
No, this feeling doesn't end
It's with me everywhere I am
Hope it never goes away
It's like defying gravity
Losin' all control and bein' free
And I always wanna stay

I never thought that I'd let go
Long enough to fall for someone deeply
Who had the power to erase my fears
And find me so completely

I get lost inside your stare
Lost when you're not there
When everything I have doesn't mean a thing
If it's without you
If it's a dream, don't wake me up
I'll scream if this isn't love
If bein' lost means never knowin'
How it feels without you
I wanna stay lost (forever)
(I wanna stay lost forever with you)

Don't tell me where we're goin'
I don't wanna know
I like the mystery (I like the mystery)
I can't believe we've come this far
So far away from where we started off
You found me when I wasn't lookin'
You found me

[Tag Chorus]
And now I'm lost inside your stare
Lost when you're not there
And everything I have doesn't mean a thing
If it's without you
Without you
If it's a dream
Don't wake me up
I'll scream if this isn't love
If bein' lost means never knowin'
How it feels without you
Yeah, if bein' lost means never knowin'
How it feels without you
Oh, if bein' lost means that I'm never
Gonna be without you
I wanna stay lost forever
I wanna stay lost forever with you
Mood: conflicted
Music...: Lost - Faith Hill