jessiebell's Blog

fxck
Date: May 6th, 2008 10:06:44 pm - Subscribe
Mood: wishful
Music: nineteen - tegan and sara

today was just one of those days, i mean; one of THOSE.
Hm, see... why do people actually use stupid terms like 'one of those.' One of what?
I guess i'm ranting because i'm fed up. I'm sick with the world and I used to think I could help with the change of the way we think; the way we are, the way everything is.
A little bit of a MAJOR Zeitgeist would come in handy right now. kthnx.

Sigh, anyway; today.
It... it felt like... summer.
I am trying to get it all out, but something is trying to make me repress.
I know what that something is. Maybe I shouldn't. Maybe if I say it, it'll make it easier for me to stay. And I can't stay.

I'll try.
Today.. just happened to feel different. I remember the summer confidence and thrill of '06.
I remember the plans of summer '07.
Today felt like summer isn't too far ahead; and brought both positive and negative feelings.
I know what I have to do, and summer is making it harder. I can't let it win, not this time.
Songs and words express what I should be keeping locked inside. The natural process of getting rid of unhealthiness is taking over, using defence mechanisms and fake smiles to make sure i get there. i've gotta fight it; it can't win, it won't.

And because of the heat, my scratches, cuts and bruises feel ten times worse.
And I feel like having a million cold/lukewarm showers, but i know even those won't rid me of this. I'm unclean (and not in the Biblical sense) and it will never go away; never be released.
I just need to set a date, that's all.

Today I accomplished more work than I have done so in the past 5 days or so. I turned up for classes and took that mock exam (although I know i've done well crap.)
I sat in the library and caught up with English lit past exam papers, and read my Psychology notes.
I felt the heat of the warm, radiating sun. I could see the brightness; lightness all around. I heard the shrill summer laughter and heightened spirited conversations. I could smell summer. I could taste it, it was all around. Everywhere.
See how hard it's going to be.

It's rather sickening. Today; they're acting like nothing much happened last weekend.
She even asked 'can I have some of the chocolate i got you for your birthday?'
I mean, why even ask? It's not like i have any privacy or anything. It's not like i have anything. Why not go ahead, go straight into my room and go through all my stuff again to get some chocolate?
After all, they're yours aren't they?
Fxck fxck fxck fxck fxck.
I should stop writing now.
All my bruises and cuts are hell, my body feels like hell. My eyes just want to close, my mind just wants to rest. Not that it will, ever.
I just want this headache and heat and stress and pain and bruises and fxcking everything to just go away. Leave.
Leave me, or i'll leave anyway. I will soon enough.

I want...



I don't want to want or need.


If I continue, i'll end up being like the rest of everyone else. Social norms, social exploitation, socially acceptable means of self destruction so it's in plain sight. They'll label me, lock me away.
Drink, smokes, sex, drugs, whoring, self harm.

See what will happen to me?


(I am in no way smoking, there. Not yet.)

And, if you read this (you'll know who you are) thanks for the picture comment. However, i've placed better pictures on my myspace now. More fitting.

Ily.
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