jessiebell's Blog

A jumble of things
Date: May 16th, 2008 10:52:13 pm - Subscribe
Mood: abandoned
Music: TGMT - Time to Pretend

'Blank and I have been broken up since Septemberish... it was my fault.

I have regretted it for a while. But we were like in one of those "It's complicated" type of relationships.

It seems when one person is ready for a relationship the other isn't.

It's funny how things work out like that.

Today we were at his house just hanging out and we started talking about us. What is going to happen why is it weird? Can we fix it?

His idea was to break up for good and see if we can fix it that way but I told him the truth, if you break this up for good I won't be able to talk to you for a while. I mean a while. He didn't like that idea.

He said "I love you, I want this to be better, and I need you in my life but I am not ready for this relationship to be real again because we both have to figure ourselves out".

I agree.

I cried, a lot. He did too. We realized breaking up wouldn't fix us. We had to let down our walls. What happened to us over this past year. We spent three years happily together. We never even fought.

We were perfect. I still think we can be.'

I remember feeling like that with Richard. I miss those days... terribly.


Need I say I love you
Need I say I care
Need I say the emotions,
Something we dont share
I dont want to be sitting here
Trying to deceive you
Cos you know I know baby
That I dont wanna go.

We cannot live together
We cannot live apart
Thats the situation
Ive known it from the start
Every time that I look at you
I can see the future
Cos you know I know babe
That I dont wanna go.

Throwing it all away
Throwing it all away
Is there nothing that I can say
To make you change your mind
I watch the world go round and round
And see mine turning upside down
Youre throwing it all away.

Now who will light up the darkness
Who will hold your hand
Who will find you the answers
When you dont understand
Why should I have to be the one
Who has to convince you
Cos you know I know baby
That I dont wanna go.

Someday youll be sorry
Someday when youre free
Memories will remind you
That our love was meant to be
Late at night when you call my name
The only sound youll hear
Is the sound of your voice calling
Calling after me.

Just throwing it all away
Throwing it all away
Theres nothing I can say
Were throwing it all away
Yes were throwing it all away...

That's how i feel about a lot of people in my life.
I don't see why petty differences have to spoil the bigger, more important stuff. Like keeping me alive.


Terrible thoughts. I love him so stupidly much, but...

I want things.
Things I can't have, in the here and now, with him...
Like travel,
like move out quickly,
like rely on when he'll be done work.

It seems so selfish, to take something so perfect, and question it based on my own petty selfish needs.

I wish I were lonesomely wandering the world, shacked up in a shanty in some obscure part of the globe, far from the mundaneness of the digital world of the west.

I hate this valuation system that us westerners have, who's to say that a writer is less important than an accountant, and a teacher makes less than an electrician?

I want common sense, and to be taken seriously as a human being... to escape these false hopes and dreams and aspirations, that in all actuality only belong to my parents, my grandparents, my tormentors...

I want to have my perfect world, without the pain of building it myself.

I've felt like that before, I have some of those feelings about the world.


http://www.aeonity.com/aya

And that's a link to feelings i have felt.



I know, i'm not exactly sharing my own.
It's scary.
Sometimes it feels like a punch in my stomach, the one's that can knock you into the next week.
Sometimes it's the sick feeling in my throat that I can't get rid of for hours.
Sometimes it's when I can't concentrate or be productive. I wanted to write, proper writing. Like how I used to.

I was in the kitchen earlier, pouring myself some smoothie when I glanced at the window and saw spidey; spidey with a message.
I willed him to whisper what it was, but I knew he thought it was too dangerous to.
We're all living our risky lives at the minute, and he knew it was another risk he didn't want me to take, not now.
Spidey was the only creature left to want to protect me.

I'm closing all the high-security walls down further and further.
They'd already reached the bottom depths of Hell, but they're really far rooted now.
This is it now; the end.

It's funny how earlier, I was thinking about the Carmine Evangelic writings, I wanted to write some more.
Right now, it's the one where Carmine's on the edge of the cliff.

Plox pleh em.
No one hears me.

this is how it should be.
i want to lose myself in the music. disappear from this world.
i want to forget the moment. escape the now. be free.
i want to be in the big moving crowd, a part of the mass.
swinging my head back and forth, my body made of sweat,
of dance, of freedom, of love. my heart singing with joy.

this is how it is.
i'll curl up in bed, the window wide-open, even if it lets
the spiders in, 'cause i need the air, i can't breathe.
i'll read. i'll read. the clock will turn one. two. three.
i'll fall into a light feverish sleep, tossing back and forth.
and then i'll wake up. sweaty, and warm, and i'll have
to hang out of the wide-open window to calm down.
i'll get back into bed, clutching my stomach, tears rolling
down my cheeks in desperation, anxiety and longing.
where are you when i need you?




"At this moment there are 6,470,818,671 people in the world. Some are running scared. Some are coming home. Some tell lies to make it through the day. Others are just now facing the truth. Some are evil men, at war with good. And some are good, struggling with evil. Six billion people in the world. Six billion souls. And sometimes -- all you need is one."

theend.
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