miss brightside
Date: May 4th, 2008 5:33:25 pm - Subscribe
Mood: courageous
Music: summer skin - death cab for cutie
this makes me sick to my stomach,
to know that they... they spent their entire time at his place, in his bed, having sex all over his place.
all the time..
in his shower.
his clothes.
and all the time they were having fun, i went through hell.
i repressed so much and i'm now only barely living on slightly more than the bare instincts.
i almost fully self-destructed with absolutely no one around.
yet he was around; they WERE around.
'he's in the shower' she typed to her, on one of the days.
and they talked about marriage and everything.
i now have to hear about my last chance through a third source; through her minimal descriptions of conversations, just trying to get the basics out of her.
i didn't let my final chance just go; i put up a fight. the fight that ended all fights.
and now, i know what i have to do. there is only one thing left to do.
Heart pills, caffeine-related drinks and a single phone call.
preferrably an evening/night.
sigh.
this entry wasn't supposed to start from that direction.
parts of my entire body ache; my ribs hurt when i breathe, the back of my legs, my arms, my shoulders and the left side of my neck..
i keep thinking to myself 'my sacrifice is everyone else's pleasure.'
i used to believe that i should be selfless and help everyone else; but then, i never got any help, not even a glimpse of REAL hope. i've never gotten anything from anyone except abuse and expectations to just give, give and give without any taking. no love, no life, superficial life; superficial smiles.
now i believe the ultimate sacrifice is essential. then maybe SOME people may hear.
even today, heard her talking on the phone (she doesn't think about how loud she's coming across.) every word was selfish, every single word. the rest was superficial. that's what everyone really is in this world, not matter what their claims.
after returning back home, i started to get on with my work.
sort out my ucas stuff.
but then, she had to go through my stuff in my room. 'i don't trust you,' she came out with.
Well fxcking bitch, i've never trusted you.
it was then that i realised (a few minutes later..) that nothing can be left alone with them, and, that they've turned me into a monster.
it's inevitable that if i carry on, i will end up just like them. the worst parts.
no matter how much they say you're supposed to take your own blame and responsibility for stuff, i know that all of this was not my doing; not at all, really.
not only they; but everyone and everything i have encountered in my life is a contributing factor.
some (VERY few) are counter contributions, but it's always the majority that wins in the end.
i clawed, i fought.
i held on for the kill.
my fight and flight took over.
my emotions were held back, but i could hear them pounding inside, trying to get out.
then i ran, i ran without thinking much.
secret place.
and all the while, i recieved this text:
'remember, if you heavily injure him, it was self defence and you can't get done for it.'
wrong person, it wasn't him; it was her.
7 whole hours spent where it was cool, and my body was getting cold. 1 hour of which i had to shelter from the heavy rain.
cold and wet.
and even now (as then,) i cannot bring the tears out of my eyes.
they form but they are trapped.
everything is trapped until i die.
and he never responded to my pleas to help.
the text i just told you about was the last thing i recieved from him.
and now, if i see him before i leave; i'll be saying, 'forget about it now, it's all over and not even you can save me.'
i know he'll feel guilty, but then, everyone is guilty.
and so i gave in,
went back and went for a shower at 12am,
the bruises and cuts (on my arms especially) stung like hell.
they wouldn't let me sleep,
they argued and argued when i was weak.
although, they did let me eat.
anyway; separately:
let me be free,
just let me free from this lie.
let me say the things i want/need to say without you running away, claiming it's all stupid.
let me tell you how i am better than you; i can justify my words.
let me be strong.
Stand up;
stand up and take it like a man.
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spilz - May 05th, 2008 |
