Relevant to recent events
Date: Apr 29th, 2008 7:03:10 pm - Subscribe
Mood: pain
tell me where you are tonight,
& is everything alright?
do you remember what i said,
while she’s sleeping in your bed?
tell me now you smile hard,
’cause i don’t smile much so far
& is she everything you need?
is she everything i couldn’t be?
does she make
everything match better,
bring you all the shiny weather
that you want?
& is she everything,
everything i am not ?
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So who's going to watch you die..
Date: Apr 28th, 2008 7:43:18 pm - Subscribe
Mood: dark
Music: What Sarah Said - Death Cab
'The saying "hurt people hurt people" is a gentle reminder that people who are at peace with themselves and the world generally do not engage in hostility and violence. If someone says or does something rude, harmful or even injurious to me, I can bet that person has some emotional thorn in his or her spirit. This doesn't excuse mean or harmful behavior but it reminds me that its source is a person who is hurting at a deep level.
Again, this insight doesn't mean that I am able to easily excuse someone who is acting like a jerk. But it's so easy to simply objectify a person like this rather than remembering that everybody hurts and some people deal with this pain worse than others. If I can remember that this kind of acting-out is a form of sickness (which I have exhibited all too often in my own life) then I am more likely to seek some sort of connection with the deeper level of that person and to treat him or her more as a real human being than I may otherwise want to do.
There's a saying sometimes heard in 12-step meetings that goes: "I'm not a bad person trying to be a good person, I'm a sick person trying to get well." This pretty well sums up the difference between objectifying and understanding a person who is engaging in emotionally hurtful behavior. Either this is essentially my enemy (or at least a hindrance) to be defended against, or its a fellow human with some degree of emotional or spiritual sickness (or at least unease) in need of some way to heal.
When I realize this I can provide a little medicine in the form of some understanding, empathy or support, and I can protect my own ego from harm by trying not to take the situation overly personally. It's silly to invest a sick or hurt person with too much power over me, but that's exactly what I do I put serenity at their mercy. Finally, it helps me to recognize all the times I've let my own hurts affect the way I've treated others. The same shoe fits a lot of feet!
What can you do today to provide a little touch of healing in a sick world?'
- taken from a blogspot blog, but i think it's effective and relevant.
-----
To be perfectly honest, i can't be arsed with life anymore.
I wish i could just watch The OC from start to finish; then some movies, read books OF MY CHOICE, not have to care about others for once. Just stroll around aimlessly listening to all the melodies of the world.
I'd like to be with Richard in Wales, on Rhyl beach. Just breathe and be by the sea.
I want some peace, i deserve some peace. I need some sort of peace.
I want out of here, out of this body that's bruised so badly. I want out of this life, this life that doesn't seem to ever be getting anywhere.
I know i'll always be stuck like this, it's as pretty good as set in stone.
Drying cement may be more like what it is.
Quick sand's even better. Clawing at the sides, but it's useless because no one's around, no one can pull you out; so you'll be devoured.
In a way, i want the world to consume me; to just take me through killing me.
It's already killed me, it just needs to finish me off really.
If i can't be consumed in that way, I would like to be consumed by the world's love and generous giving. To be helped and saved, for good. No more cycle of impending doom.
This day started off as being about restoration, improvement and adjustment.
It ends tragically, yet again.
Help me, help me help me, please help me.
FFS.
I don't know why i feel useless no matter what happens.
Seriously, talking to Richard used to actually work. Now, nothing at all works.
There's nothing, i can't take it anymore, i can't do this anymore.
I want to be loved and no one can love me.
I'm that tragic/pathetic/a lost cause.
Everyone always leaves in the end.
It's my fault, and so I should stop my own suffering and leave too.
I actually can't do anything.
I'm stuck.
This will sound silly to people who know me.
But i don't care, i know i'm right about how i'm feeling.
I want nothing more than to be a wife, with children and a lovely home with a lovely view by the ocean. I want to grow old with someone, and be happy. I want to teach, to see, to be; to love, to learn, to feel.
At the minute, i don't feel anything at all.
My death instinct seems like it's taken over fully.
Normally, there should be a balance between the life instinct and death instinct; even if the id is more dominant.
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Please, please, please
Date: Apr 26th, 2008 11:03:42 am - Subscribe
Mood: indescribable
Music: Coldplay - Speed of Sound
This is probably the most important entry to date.
I want nothing more to be selfless, to help others, to be there for them. I remember asking richard if life is worth living if it's not for yourself, only ever for others. His reply 'i live like that everyday, i don't know what i'd do if it was for me. X'
Maybe i'll turn to feeling exactly like that, i'm already over three-quarters there. My one and only chance of breaking the way things are is getting into university, having hope for the future. If this gets ruined, I don't know what to do but find ways of killing myself. Killing myself until i succeed.
I know i need the help, i need the help more than (anyone) many people needs help. Every minute of every day wasted on this feeling, a feeling that never ends, a cycle i cannot break. And if i break it, it always finds a way of returning.
Living to be selfless isn't working. It always comes back to this, this very horrid and tragic tale. This truth that no one else chooses to defy, chooses to help with the change.
Restoration in my living for others just isn't enough anymore. It's gone way, far too far past that stage now. Yet I cannot help wanting to help others, wanting to do this for others.
My life isn't for me, and several people have told me this is very noble of me, thinking and being like this. If i can't get into university this year, i won't be able to deal with the consequences of that in my life. I won't be able to help others, and ultimately I see no point in living.
Yes, 'there's always something worth fighting for.' All's well when said, but when you see, there is no fight left in me.
There's only superficial fight.
The fighting feeling only ever gets properly fired by Richard, and he's not around anymore.
For at least the past two months I have been going over and over the thought that I just do not know what to do anymore.
How many forms of help do i have to try and seek before i see at least a slight improvement?
How many times do I have to be unable to see past the feeling that I feel at any given moment? Only to screw evertything else up in the process.
Self-destruct to the point of almost no return, to only superfically find a cure. A temporary cure. Not that these are healthy cures, some are pure evil; they're rotting me to the core.
I'm being cut inside, unable to breathe, unable to eat or function properly at all. I'm being rotted and corrupted, i'm being slowly made to suffer. All the people who are doing it are fully aware.
I cannot live my life because of my past, it continuously and infinitely disrupts me trying to move on, move forwards.
it's really not me 'letting it.' Hell no. Ihave tried time and time again to fight it, to stop it, to put an end to it once and for all.
It is not how I think about life. In everything that's happened, i have learnt to think of the priniciples of finding a happy place. I have learnt to not take the crap feeling at that moment forwards. I've learnt to let it pass, to think better of the value of my own life.
Except, there is no further reinforcement, it never gets further than that. Nothing gets any further.
I've tried all my life, this is no exaggeration.
In the end, all people want is for me to give, give and give. I wouldn't actually mind that, but the point is, i need to get something; something for me to be able to keep giving.
People are aware of the damage they are doing to me, yet they offer no atonement for their actions, show no remorse, do nothing at all.
I've been told that there are nice people out there, yet all the people i've come across in my life have not been nice. All the people that i haven't helped, that is.
Maybe it was my fault that i had to grow up too quickly and find these kinds of people. (Apparently, i'm not to take blame for the things that shouldn't have happened. But how can i not when i'm here, right now?)
Love.
Hate.
Strength.
Pain.
Demise.
Destruction.
Restoration.
Anguish.
Superficial smiles.
Selfless acts.
Altruism.
Masks.
Fights.
Screams.
Silent screams.
Fear.
Safety.
Pleas.
Deals.
Superifical help.
Torment/Suffering.
Change (for the worse.)
Deprivation.
Privation.
Suppression/repression.
Mental health.
Physical health.
Depression.
Manic depression (bi-polarity.)
Increased environmental triggers.
Increased biological chances.
Hope (a glimmer.)
Dreams.
Hope and dreams shattered.
Searching.
Trying and trying to find peace. Any kind of peace.
Continuous cycles.
Unhealthy obsessions.
Personal care.
Care (period.)
HELP ME.
help.
help.
help.
I've tried everything. Possibly absolutely everything.
If i can't get through now, what am i supposed to do?
:(
I need something,
something for myself.
Warnings given to people aren't taken seriously.
What in the serious hell am i supposed to do?
I've never been able to trust anyone; how can i trust when i couldn't even trust the people i was supposed to?
The importance of family, it may suck but it's still vital for someone's existence.
I want to trust someone, but every crap person i meet is another person who proves me right.
I want someone to prove me wrong.
I've been saying this since at least the age of fifteen; that i don't want to have to want or need.
I know, for fact, that i wrote that in my lovexhate aeonity when i first got it.
I miss back then, I had a feeling that the future was going to happen. I loved the earth for what it was, providing me stars and scenery and hope and wishes.
That all dissolved quickly.
I need someone.
Something.
At least when i was younger, it was a cycle full of ways out.
Now it's just a cycle of continuous and impending doom.
I've said a lot.
Maybe too much for people to read.
I need to stop, i guess.
I've been listening to Coldplay - Speed Of Sound non-stop all morning.
I've been picking up the Coldplay vibe since yesterday.
Please.
How long before I get in?
Before it starts, before I begin?
How long before you decide?
Before YOU know what it feels like?
Where To, where do I go?
If you never try, then you'll never know.
How long do I have to climb,
Up on the side of this mountain of mine?
Look up, I look up at night,
Planets are moving at the speed of light.
Climb up, up in the trees,
every chance that you get,
is a chance you seize.
How long am I gonna stand,
with my head stuck under the sand?
I'll start before I can stop,
before I see things the right way up.
All that noise, and all that sound,
All those places I got found.
And birds go flying at the speed of sound,
to show you how it all began.
Birds came flying from the underground,
if you could see it then you'd understand?
Ideas that you'll never find,
All the inventors could never design.
The buildings that you put up,
Japan and China all lit up.
The sign that I couldn't read,
or a light that I couldn't see,
some things you have to believe,
but others are puzzles, puzzling me.
All that noise, and all that sound,
All those places I got found.
And birds go flying at the speed of sound,
to show you how it all began.
Birds came flying from the underground,
if you could see it then you'd understand,
ah when you see it then you'll understand?
All those signs, I knew what they meant.
Some things you can invent.
Some get made, and some get sent,
Ooh?
Birds go flying at the speed of sound,
to show you how it all began.
Birds came flying from the underground,
if you could see it then you'd understand,
ah, when you see it then you'll understand?
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Senses twisting
Date: Apr 18th, 2008 10:22:43 pm - Subscribe
Mood: emotional
The tears; they flow so fast. Like a sudden heavy rain, beating down hard.
They roll down my face, some even down my neck. I feel each one, each little bit of salty water rushing out to escape.
Escape the pain that's left inside, it's stuck and it feels as if it's permanent.
Telling myself it's just my hormones. But then again, it's just as bad as when hormones aren't an issue.
I feel like the mask is painfully dissolving. I was just crying when Kat walked in on me and I had to run into the bathroom hiding my face. I don't know, it's like I didn't even try to hide it.
I want to trust, i want to love. I want to be saved from the pain, to not let it consume me over and over again.
Maybe strength will die at some point, and then I won't know what to do except take drastic measures.
But to know that there's no one there for you, to know no one ever has really been; it feels like it's just so much more easier and maybe more worthwhile to let the pain take over.
I wish I had something. And they say you have to feel some self-worth. But what about the people who are supposed to make you feel worthy?
And it's a funny coincidence when ex's are involved. You're quietly thinking to yourself about this sense of worth issue and in she comes with exactly what you're thinking about.
Maybe they're plotting something, planning to do this so they can be rid of me for good.
See, trust matters.
And it's his actions.
What he doesn't do,
how he is.
What she said.
don't let it get to you.
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Contrastss
Date: Apr 15th, 2008 11:17:07 pm - Subscribe
Mood: burned-out
Music: Fix You - Coldplay
I want it to stop.
I want it to end.
I just want it to stop.
Please just stop?
Why can't it stop?
Those thoughts keep running through every part of my aching body. Pain surges through me like a thousand knives stabbing my heart and the strong pulse inside rages like a violent volcano on the verge of eruption.
It's not anger of feeling like this though; it's more frustration of feeling like this for days (maybe weeks) and the excruciating pain.
meh, i can't continue with this. it's hard. on top of an english lit re-write and all this tiredness.
he'll understand if i ask for the extension til Thursday. he actually mentioned it himself, 'i'm not too bothered if i get some in on thursday the latest.'
I have english lit @ 9 tomorrow, so it's not like i can do anything much about it now.
i'm so tired.
<3
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Birthday weekend.
Date: Apr 12th, 2008 5:44:25 pm - Subscribe
Mood: jinxed
It always happens.
It's something about me and the people I attract. It's horrible and I don't like it.
Yesterday, i wanted to write something badly; about this uneasy feeling. About some relief, about something. Apparently, it seems like I needed that feeling; a little love which made me stop the writing (in mid paralysis.)
I need a lot of love, really.
I think that idea keeps me going. I honestly think so, and I don't know why. I guess I have an idea, i'm not prepared to share that though.
Anyhow, the birthday weekend's cool so far.
Hang out at Mel's in Telford
M&S birthday cake/traditional stuffs
Meal
Wii
Eng lit coursework
Revision
Movie?
Dye hair red.
I'm scared of people around me dying. A bit earlier, she said she was feeling unwell. She's never (hardly ever) unwell.
Saw her sleeping after she got back from work, she wasn't moving. Panic struck.
It's the same feeling I got when I was waiting for that call between 4-5 years ago. I hated answering the phone, I hated the wait.
But anyways.
HELLO!? do you think I am stupid?
It's like, 'mister, get you're fucking act together and get it fucking right or you'll fucking pay for it; hear me?'
Not trusting him stresses me out, and not being able to have that because he's not even trying.
I was perfectly fine this morning; then he has to arouse suspicion and create this feeling.
He breaks it, yet he makes it again. Bloody 'ell.
And it's not something I can't think about. It's too annoying, it needs sorting but not on my part.
Maybe i'm a little too paranoid, though.
Doesn't excuse him though. He knows all of this. It's been repeated.
Sigh. On to something better though. I woke up at seven. I actually did!
I felt so good, i haven't slept properly in about a month now, until last night. The rain and shite of the day didn't even bother me.
Until him of course.
I'm not letting it get to me, but it will have affected me somehow.
maybe there's a hope, maybe; just maybe. One day.
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Plox
Date: Apr 10th, 2008 7:13:05 pm - Subscribe
Mood: doomed
I hate sick feelings. This one in particular. Knowing that my parents can't have a civil conversation with me, knowing that i'm going to have to scream and shout and cry until I can't breathe; just to keep myself alive.
It's a really bad feeling; it runs through all of me, to the core. I really fear that one more push to the dark side will be the last, that i'll never ever make it out again because I've had enough. I really have, I don't know how much more of it i'm capable of dealing with; of getting myself out of.
I've always been on my own through everything, pretty much. I'm sick of it, sick of doing things alone. I don't want it to hurt anymore.
I think I've been trying to find peace for a long time now, peace in being alone, peace in death, peace in being strong. But it always gets knocked down. I wish I had something, I don't know; just something.
I feel all shivery and scared. A hidden chill.
If i imagine the worst happening, it won't happen; will it?
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Chemical imbalances
Date: Apr 3rd, 2008 11:03:37 am - Subscribe
Mood: daunted
Music: The OC soundtrack
It's kinda funny; I remember trying to get over Rich by saying that everything was all just a bunch of chemical reactions in the body that didn't really matter and all this shit that was happening was just because the substances inside me were in chaos.
That was 3 years ago now, and I still haven't learnt that all of that is true. Okay, I do know it; and I know of more than I used to know about it. But if we're all just a bunch of neurotransmitters, hormones and other stuff, then what's the point in feeling upset; or even happy for that matter? The bigger picture doesn't really correlate from the smaller ones.
Anyway, the reason why I haven't written in here for long is because I moved out & we have dial up & i've been using myspace blogs rather than this, i guess.
Last night just reinforced the chemical imbalance idea. I know that that's what's making me really depressed and stuffs. Yet there are social and a lot of other impacts to consider. It's all rather strange; but we do it.
This was just somethin' quick. I better go.
And to the person who left a comment on my last entry; sorry I haven't got back to you yet.
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'sleep and find sanity'
Date: Feb 23rd, 2008 5:42:22 pm - Subscribe
Mood: impatient
i feel like a burden on people again. :(
i need to write, but i can't because i'm distancing myself.
didn't i write just yesterday? i'm writing too much again which means it's bad.
i want to write but i can't.
i guess i should start with what happened.
what happened was;
i've been continuing to kill myself.
i kept doing it yesterday too.
i was so close to getting out of going to my mum's friend's place.
i admit, it was weird for her to be calling us over (the whole family) for dinner.
sigh.
why did i give in?
why.
why.
why?
dad said we were only going for dinner and coming back pretty much straight after.
i contested, i felt he'd go back on his word like he ALWAYS does.
and so, i felt tons sick. i got in the car, was half zombie-like on the way there.
Fake smiles.
Fake fitting in.
It was clearly apparent i didn't belong there.
There wasn't just us.
There was their family too.
So,
talking with maria; found out she did that character based on me for her drama thing.
my god.
and she has her drama teacher at uni called Paris who's 42 & makes them do 10 hours of training a week, and she just kept going on
and on
and on.
:|
and so,
by the end of it all.
the men ate dinner first, which was odd; i thought.
then us.
and there were strange women.
and they kept talking about ghosts and spiritual experiences. they're all religious.
and hm. attitudes of different people.
and i was half falling asleep.
maria's mum kept shoving food in everyone's plates.
it was tortorous, it was coming up to 9:30
we were supposed to be home already,
i was getting a build up of anger inside.
anger because i was sick & all i wanted to do was to get into bed and go to sleep,
anger because my dad HAD once again gone back on his word.
I KNEW IT
i knew it,
i did.
*breathes*
so then, eventually (at about 10:30)
we get forced to eat cake.
so THAT WAS IT.
the reason.
the whole effing bloody point to being there.
and we were only just discovering it when the night was large.
i did text rich,
flung all my emotions onto him.
i know, i suck.
i was pushing him away.
i think i pissed him off a little.
he wanted to call me; we were waiting to do what was supposed to happen for a couple of weeks or so now.
last week got interrupted by family, of course.
at one point, i even told him to leave me alone.
he knew i didn't mean it though, thank god.
or i don't know what i'd do.
and he was like, ''If i was there, i'd give you a hug and stay up too x''
because yeah, i was punishing myself again & trying to stay up late even though i was sick.
he also said i was in a ''silly, self pitying mood'' & i shouldn't ''let family shit get to me. i should rise above it.''
and i'm like, well that's what i've been doing for months, and i'm sick of it. i can't do it anymore.
i can't do it anymore, can i?
so anyways, i went to sleep until about 4.
couldn't go back to sleep,
wanted to feel.
i ended up listening to depressing songs and crying a lot.
and today's no better.
today i feel like i need to die.
i'm pushing people away
and i don't like it.
i don't like anything.
anything at all.
... :(
Comments: (1)
sigh
Date: Feb 22nd, 2008 4:55:51 pm - Subscribe
Mood: ditzy
I'm sitting here with two bottles of strawberry flavoured water and Andrew McMahon - I Need You on repeat. :(
I stayed up till half twelve last night, when i could have easily done all my work and gone to bed by ten or something. I was actually trying to punish myself. At least I got most of the sickness out of my system, the cold is actually a bit better.
I really hate myself. I don't want to go through this, not again. I've been fighting it all week, i even got the extra strength from Rich's reassurance on Sunday/Monday night. But this is inevitable, meh.
I can't do this. I just can't.
I know, Richard's calling tonight & he'll make it feel okay... until the next time.
I hate this.
I hate it.
I just hate this.
Why does he believe in me so much? ''I can't imagine you not getting in. X''
I don't deserve him. And i rly feel like pushing him away. I want to, i need to. Only to end it.
But that's not going to happen.
Sickofitall. :(
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Bulletin a friend posted on myspace
Date: Feb 20th, 2008 7:21:51 pm - Subscribe
Mood: tired
i hate it when you have to lie and say your ok
when your not.
i hate it when you someone say's they love you.
but they dont
i hate it when friends say they'll be there for you.
but there not.
i hate it when you finally think you've found yourself.
but you havent,
i hate it when you have to post a bulletin to show how you feel
yet it never makes you feel any better.
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What is wrong with me.
Date: Feb 1st, 2008 9:47:12 pm - Subscribe
Mood: abnormal
Seriously, i'm sick of this feeling.
It all comes back to this stupid cycle. And effing hell, writing this is goign to take forever since i can't stop crying. The tears won't stop. :/
I don't; i really don't want to do it anymore. I remember hearing something, ''the way you feel when you're young, is the way you feel when you're old.''
And well, Rich says it'll always be inside.
It always will.
And, this ismy frustration.
All of what's inside.
It'll never leave, it won't stop; (maybe only temporarily) but i basically can't ever be happy.
I'm not meant to be.
I wanted to call richard,
but i couldn't.
I can't let him save me all thetime,
i don't want to be saved.
wasn't it just the other week that he had to help me see the light?
'because the future isn't shit. you'll go to uni and i'll visit, naturally. It'll be freedom, and i know you'll get there.'
I hate myself.
I hate myself for going through this all the time.
For not being able to control it.
For everything i do to others.
I suck.
''you're better off without me''
(this is starting to sound like the me that existed years ago.)
*sighj*
i just don't know.
(I know my spelling sucks. i'm still crying so..)
Comments: (1)
My feet are frozen.
Date: Jan 24th, 2008 4:47:10 pm - Subscribe
Mood: Yeahyeahyeah.
Hah.
Titlestitlessssss.
Uhm. So basically, last night i have no idea; i was laughing and crying together for an extended amount of time.
I suspect it's the hormones. It's been three weeks, soyeah. -___-
At times i didn't know whether to laugh or whether to cry. And my mum was there, and she didn't make any effort to calm me down or anything.
I'm not sure, but i feel like i'm on repeat. It's happening again; and Rich is going to save me. It's all rather inevitable. I feel like i need to die again, that way the cycle will be broken.
I hate the starting of these feelings. It disrupts and destroys. There's the possible distancing that i will do too which is v. annoying.
And what was with the doctor's not finding anything internally wrong with me? :/
That just scares me.
If it's genetics; genes and all that, then my family...
gosh.
they're pretty screwed.
And that's why i'm scared about giving blood, and possibly having a kid one day.
Being that there's nothing internally wrong, i'm safe with the pregnancy stuffs now.
*sigh* Will getting back together with Rich hinder me in any way?
Will it make me go back, rather than forwards?
Is it the best thing to do?
Are all our intentions correct?
But it feels so right.
And so much better.
And i haven't felt this good in forever; not to mention alive. It's like i've only just remembered how to breathe. It's refreshing and exciting, heart racing; mind blowing, caring...
Maybe this is the way forwards.
Maybe it's the only way.
Maybe there's no one else. We're soulmates.
Hmso, mum's getting me some Nutella (as a deal since we're all eating proper healthy atm.)
I feel fat atm. I have no idea.
But ohwells, this weekend it's Nutella on toast. :D Hah.
Only 1 exam left!
Wahey. I get Tuesday morning off too, so it isn't that bad.
Today in english lit, we're doing the war literature stuffs now. Hah.
Lotsssssssssss of background readin' to do. :/
We got a book that's 503 pages long called 'Birdsong' by Sebastian Faulks & of course it's about WW1.
We have to read it in four weeks. :|
Considering i have exams, my Psychology coursework AND this; you know.. it's gonna suck trying to get through this.
I was flicking through on the bus though, and i came across a few paragraphs:
'He kissed her and she pressed herself close to him. He found his hands at once searching beneath her clothes. Her eyes looked up into his. They were wide and enquiring, full of urgency and light. Almost at once they closed as she let out a little sigh of excitement.
They were leaning against the wall of the room and he had slipped his hand through the fastening at the back of her skirt. He could feel the satin under his fingers, then a round soft swell beneath. He felt her fingers on the front of his trousers.
'We must stop.' He pulled himself back.
.......... a few paragraphs later........
He kissed her deeply and she began to sigh again and rubbed herself against him. 'Please,' she said, 'please.'
He did not know if she meant for him to stop or to continue. He had lifted her skirts as she stood with her back to the wall and now had his fingers between her legs. ' Come to me,' she whispered, her breath hot in his ear. 'Into me, now.'
He removed her fumbling fingers from his trousers and freed himself....
... He had to lift her a little, clasping her legs around his waist so that he could not move but had to bear her weight....
....She opened her eyes again and smiled at him. 'I love you.'
She covered his face with kisses, keeping his body captive by her weight. Then she put her feet on the ground again and gently pulled him out of her. His flesh was rigid and swollen with blood. She ran her hand up and down it until he began to pant, and give way at the knees, then spurted onto the floor, then against her dress, before she could take the last three or four spasms in her mouth.'
And there we have it.
An interesting and descriptive piece of writing about sex.
Presumably it's about a soldier. But then, who knows until i read it properly.
From that though, doesn't sound too bad. :)
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Ut oh
Date: Dec 28th, 2007 6:58:47 pm - Subscribe
Mood: distant
Music: Rockstar - Nickelback
I have indeed been neglecting my writing over the past few months, i guess.
Life's always busy though, and oh yes.. i've made it this far. University nxt yr, gosh. :/
Basically; friends have changed, love has changed, habits have changed. But me; i'm still the same.
He's always been right ("hell bent on self destruction,'' ''things will change, but you never will, it'll always be inside.''), and i totally fear ending up like him. He has a new girlfriend though, he apologised to me for being with her & for not telling me sooner. Then holly started having a go at me; but that's a whole other story.
It's all been pretty nostalgic, lately. I ended up stumbling upon old photo albums and watching movies and stuffs, that i used to love when i was younger. Oh, and the most recent one is the return of the Spice Girls. They were my first concert ever. Even looking on a friend's myspace page at the pics from the last day of school.. Goddd, i miss those days.
I never thought i'd miss school this much, i never thought it'd all go so quickly; 'cause well, this is it. Another few months and it all changes indefinitely.
Well well, moving on to recent events. I've got conditional offers from all universities except for Warwick (my top choice.)
Ah.. and then there's christmas. Tbh, it wasn't bad.
I mean, it didn't feel like christmas until the day itself. We all got up pretty late (10ish) and I had Nutella on toast :D ololz.
Then, it dawned on me when all of us were there; this is the first christmas in 5 yrs we've all been together. Last time this had happened, we were all kids and it was very different.
Haha, i remember we used to tell all the adults to hurry up and get ready so we could open our presents. Or when we used to all sleep in one room & giggle all night, and pretend we were asleep.
Anyways, i got to see Jayden walking for the first time. He's too cute! Honestly.
We actually opened our presents around 1pm & we ate lots of foods & drank lots & watched movies & played games & everyone was there. :)
'twas cool, actually.
I got jewelry, clothes, vouchers and shizz like that. But, Sarah and I also got this makeover, hairstyle and photoshoot thing. We discussed we would go together & get it done some point next yr. I think that'll be cool !
Hmyeah, we stayed up till like 1 watching Blood Diamond (which to several people's opinions was rather depressing for Christmas, lolz.) And then, since we were sleeping downstairs (my mum, dad and i) we had to stay awake till 2:30 when my aunt wanted to watch the X factor auditions on the 32'' screen. Chhyeah.
And then, by the time my dad got into bed and everything. They both were snorin' :| My goshhhh, it was so annoying; and right in my ear too!
I was not impressed, try sleeping on the computer chair in the other room, butyeah, not comfortable. By like 5 am they'd shut up, so i got afew hrs sleep. hah
The thing is, the next day balanced it all out. We tried to play more games and such. But OF COURSE! an argument ensued.
Okayyyyyyyy, so what if we didn't wanna take part in playing charades?!
My aunt said we were effing sulking. Pfft.
Then of course, there was the speeches to me by a few family members; let me see, there was the ''work hard and you'll get far'' one, the ''you better know how to look after yourself in uni'' one, oh and.. wow, the ''if Dean went to Yale, you should be able to be that good too.'' :|
Guh, we left at like 5pm, though. Dad and I. Mum decided to stay until tonight, so some shopping and spend time with her sisters and such.
But anyways, I was bursting for the loo on the way home.. it was ridiculous. So like, just outside Manchester, i asked my dad to stop lolz.
K, my exams are in a couple of weeks. And i'm trying rly hard to study. I just can't get anything in though. :/
It's soooo bloody annoying. I mean, i have a feeling i'm going to fail. :/
Fxck.
Hmm, i feel weird again. Almost empty. I'm not sure what it is this time.
We'll see...
<3
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'tis almost Christmas.
Date: Dec 20th, 2007 11:03:38 am - Subscribe
Mood: vibrant
yayyy, haha.
exams in three weeks though :/
uhmyeah.. pretty much my little thing.
<3 byeeeee for now
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A secret of life.
Date: Sep 14th, 2007 9:58:53 pm - Subscribe
Mood: braindead
ZOMGZ.
i need to do this tomorrow.
<3
I'm dying to breathe in these abundant skies.
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Stress related.
Date: Sep 13th, 2007 9:25:46 pm - Subscribe
Mood: fatigued
I figure stress = major negativity for me.
And that's where it's all going wrong.
I've done all about stress and ways to deal with it in Psych.
Maybe it's time i turned to the drugs ?
I knoww. I never rly want to go there. But what choice do i have?
I'm not screwing up this year, and in effect; the rest of my life.
*sigh*
Something more (+) though. I'm getting past Rich.
Sometimes I think about where he is, what he's doing..
But then it fades.
And i'm glad.
Hmm,
i don't know if i'm rambling or what.
I'm just tired.
I helped someone with Wise Children todae. 
I'm so good at English lit. <3 haha
& ohyeah, there was a stabbing near my bus stop today. :S
It may affect me getting home tomorrow.
*fingers crossed and all*
<3
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Ohyess...Nutella on toast.
Date: Sep 12th, 2007 2:43:26 pm - Subscribe
Mood: angelic
I thought i would change my layout. (It looks a lot like the tower we went to in KL on our first day in Malaysia.)
Okay, i'm procrastinating as usual. I've got an essay to do, an essay plan on Hamlet, personal statement/uni stuff, and then there's Critical Thinking and Aim Higher things. Blahh.
College is alright so far, but it's kinda scary being in the last year.
Not because it's the last year or anything (there seems to be double the amount of people in college this yr and taller people!), but simply because i'm almost 18 & i never planned getting this far in life.
I totally cannot wait to be a Psychologist. I really want to just get out there and help. Change viewpoints in the event of a Zeitgeist.
It's annoying that we have to go all the way through this process though. Grr.
I'm really thankful for having Scott in my life. He's been completely amazing, and he's very modest. He thinks he should be paying more attention to me when he's done plenty. He has so much faith in me and he's basically helping me out a lot. Although being sick this week, and piled in pressure at work and in training; he's tried his very best to keep in touch.
Sorry, i had to make sure i knew how thankful I am.
I rly want Nutella on toast. I just have this massive craving, it is rather strange.
It's a crap thing we don't have any at home. I'm not that arsed to go and get some, it's fattening anyways. 
Hmm, another strange thing is that I haven't had my periods in about 6 weeks now. :S It's actually a bit scary, since this has never happened before.
I might have to go see the dr's next week. :S
Maybe it's part of what they told me in July.
*sigh* well, I should get on with stuff.
<3
Rock & Roll; baby.
Comments: (1)
Lah.
Date: Jul 23rd, 2007 11:06:05 am - Subscribe
Mood: excellent
M'off to Malaysia in just over a week
can't wait!
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The last word. The last stance.
Date: Jun 17th, 2007 9:52:21 pm - Subscribe
Mood: wicked
Some things i wanna note.
I keep debating; good, bad, or what?
The weird text from Rach, the avoidance; it all makes sense now. Yesterday my mother got me in her room, said 'do you wanna know a secret?' you must cross your heart and hope to die that you'll never tell anyone.' I was like, whatever; i hate her games. I said it in the end, after some bouts of laughter thinking how pathetic and childish it was.
Then she told me that Rach has been going to see a counsellor. And the laughter subsided & i was in shock. Apparently it's over the not being able to find a job thing.
Uhm, but then my mum got interrupted by the phone. So, i was left in wonderment, still shocked. Still don't know how any of the 'adults' found out & why my mum wanted to tell me if it's not something i should know about.
Maybe it's because i'm meant to help Rach, since we used to be close and all. She's practically family...so..
Well, I dunno what i'm supposed to do. I have shit of my own. No one seems to understand that.
Sarah told me she started her periods.
it makes me feel old.
She's growing up *tears up* lol
Blah, i don't even know why i'm trying.
you know what? i'm not even going to try anymore.
This is it.
I give up.
After trying everything.
Yep,
& everyone will see the hand of justice before i go.
Don't worry about that.
I need to find a way though...
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