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woah like

Jan 24th, 2014 11:16:41 am - Subscribe

today i stumbled across some old school reports. there was one teacher who really believed in me (it's really weird to think about people believing in me) :

"I cannot fault her commitment, diligence and enthusiasm. She has completed every piece of work thus far to the highest of standards and with great attention to accuracy. She displays and innate ability for this subject, responding sensitively and intelligently to these concepts.

Her essay in which she set out and defended a belief showed she was capable of logical, independent and original thought. She tackled this unstructured task well. She is a delight to teach. She is making splendid progress."

That was when I was 12. This is a year later, same teacher:

"She has continued to work to the highest of standards and has completed another successful term. Her written material has been thoughtful and perceptive, indicative of her ability to approach these concepts with sensitivity and imagination. It has also been beautifully presented showing her determination to give of her best and take a real pride in all that she does. I particularly enjoyed her essay on the things she values but a whole set of "A" grades testifies to her diligence and competence. She has impressed by the mature way in which she has handled abstract concepts in class discussion. She remains a delight to teach."

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apologies or something?

Jan 22nd, 2014 10:27:58 am - Subscribe

firstly, i'm in a much better head space than i was even last night, so i didn't mean to call you a perv for calling someone beautiful. although, i still don't agree with the way you objectify women. and personally, i'd rather you tell someone you actually know that they're beautiful, rather than a random woman on youtube who posts videos of her legs/feet. in part, the objectification of women is due to deep rooted patriarchal societal issues that aren't your fault. but you still have the choice of not buying into it.

also, i'm not spying. i'm taking in an interest that you're not doing anything that's actually wrong. simply because i feel the need to for my own peace of mind. turning that onto it's head though, if you think i'm spying, what do you think you're doing on my blog? ;p same thing.

second thing, thank you for helping me push myself all the way out of my negative head space with that comment. because i am very loveable and i like being complicated. i wouldn't want to be simple / depends on why you think i am unloveable. i am who i am and i wouldn't want to be any other way.

nothing's confusing me about american football, i totally get that you guys STOLE the idea of rugby and turned it into your own thing ;) i'm more confused about the hype and attention we're having because a few games are being played in london. i believe the next one happening here involves a team from your state. or was that the last one that happened here? anyway, american football's as about as boring to me as normal football. unless it's the world cup. and your alternative to the world cup is the superbowl, which i don't watch. but i know people that do.

so, how's the snow situation going over there?

i so can't wait until spring. i'm already feeling pretty amazing about this year so far.

and as fuse odg says:

I like the way you motivate, Believe in what I do so we cultivate

Baby you be no delay, You riding by my side help me operate

Nobody can hold your weight, You too much for them guys tell em go away

That's why I want congratulate, You hold yourself high you in your own space

she phenomenal, she motivates, she elevates.

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close to me

Jan 20th, 2014 5:45:03 pm - Subscribe

i keep wondering, how much were you lying/how much you were telling the truth when it came to being around ????

i never get these things.
of course it's because it's never simple.

anyway, i keep being reminded of you through all the attention & media on american football here. stupid.
when i was in central london last october, didn't get it then, and i don't get it now. hmph.

also, perv alert!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! oh nina, oh god you're so beautiful.

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seasons keep on going whether or not we're blind

Jan 19th, 2014 6:25:33 pm - Subscribe

i miss you.

it's kind of funny (in the weird sense) because i am very complicated. too complicated for anyone.

does that mean i'll always be unable to be with anyone though? does that mean i'll always be alone? i wish abuse wasn't such a big, dark fucking cloud because everything would be okay if i hadn't been abused for most of my life.

he says i'm "damaged" and that he's always drawn to people who are interesting and intelligent, but have that depth. i think he's a bit fucked up.

the problem is, he'll still love me though, no matter what. i never asked him to, but he says he'll never leave unless i really want him to. and i can't convince him i want him to, no matter how shitty my behaviour becomes. and i get that he knows i need his support, but i keep telling him i'm not worth it and he won't listen.

and i feel bad because someone loves me, especially at the times i can't love myself. i honestly don't know why people believe in me, that they think i can be a million miles away from my past in my future.

i don't know how to successfully remove myself from my toxic mother. how do people just leave someone they've literally taken care of all of their lives?

idk why i'm writing again. i'm not supposed to let anyone know my thoughts anymore. that's human shit, right?

last week i was travelling to liverpool and places, chaotic times. rich came back then left. i kind of find it annoying now. he doesn't have to leave every time, abruptly.

life always gets complicated this time of year. can't wait until spring.

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it's to dying in another's arms and why i had to try it.

Jan 17th, 2014 11:17:09 am - Subscribe

it's not hard to dream, you'll always be my konstantine.

the last few days have been amazing :) on the road feels like home, and you're the voice i could listen to all night whilst wandering.

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breakthrough :)

Jan 14th, 2014 11:05:57 am - Subscribe

i haven't felt this way since rich, it's amazing how i met him and we're here already in the space of a few short months. and everything's fucking amazing because i totally get it all. he's more familiar than anyone, ever. i could feel like he's a h. i won't say it.

omgz, amazeballs.!

(and it's the first time in a long while i've been able to properly listen to konstantine over and over and actually feel like i'm back there in that safe place.)

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the quiet things no one ever knows.

Jan 10th, 2014 6:23:47 pm - Subscribe

I need a hug right now to be honest.

I wish I was loveable enough for a hug.

I wish I knew I was going to be okay.

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i cn see yr halo

Jan 7th, 2014 6:37:19 pm - Subscribe

he did a pretty cool thing for me today. i had the longing to be in his arms. i know i would feel safe and be able to just breathe and be. which is what i rly need right now.

i don't know why i have halo stuck in my head.

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decisions yours

Jan 6th, 2014 5:02:30 pm - Subscribe

well it's up to you, i'm not stopping you from unblocking and adding me on fb. let me know either way, okay? and if you are, give me an idea of when as i will need to be around.

in other news, amazing weekend. except for not sleeping for 21 hours. this random black guy hitting on my friend in Leicester Square and I had to tell him to get lost. I had some fun.

Back to the shit life.

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we're gonna let it burn

Jan 3rd, 2014 8:33:17 am - Subscribe

Laaaaaaaandan tomorrow, yay. Hope the weather isn't shit still. Debating on what to wear. Not looking forward to the 6am start.

"Well I'm not leaving because I regard you as a friend, and I don't walk away from friends if I can possibly avoid it. You're actually an interesting and intelligent person to know when you're not being crazy ;p"

This is getting complicated. Why's there no such thing as a simple relationship?

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yo there

Dec 30th, 2013 7:36:48 pm - Subscribe

hardcore bdsm?


i may even like you for it.

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Dec 29th, 2013 6:47:58 pm - Subscribe

wondering what the distance is about. boring, productive day turned into an annoying one. family drama but on my dad's side this time, surprisingly.

but it was weird. i had to be there for him and it's just weird. and anyway, why do i always have to be there for everyone else? when do i get taken care of? i'm so tired of taking care of everyone else.

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pretty hurts

Dec 28th, 2013 7:03:32 pm - Subscribe

could i do polyamory? i have more than enough love to give the world (and back).

failures and falling just mean an increased path to success. the amount of times i've fallen though.

the night that night was so amazing, crystal clear darkened sky, stars twinkling so damn bright. wanting to, needing to close my eyes and fall asleep but the constellations were too mesmerizing to drift off. i liked the feeling of not belonging anywhere, of just being on the open road, in between places for all time. could do that forever. that night was strengthening. maybe even inspiring. i think i have a story idea if i remember it.



also, beyoncé's new album. hellzyeah.

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i need an infinite amount of love

Dec 27th, 2013 5:04:11 pm - Subscribe

rly could do with someone to keep my feet from turning blue, to wrap me in blankets and cuddle forever,

LITERALLY FOREVER, do nothing but cuddle until we die, order pizza and build blanket forts and make hot chocolates and shizz.

so tired of the winter.

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headaches and howling wind

Dec 26th, 2013 7:02:08 pm - Subscribe

i wish my family didn't want to make me feel guilty for leaving them. because i both want and need to leave them but why do they want to make me feel guilt so that i stay/until it's unbearable i just wanna break down crying? i made a decision to do what i want and come home from london earlier than my mother. and the resistance and guilt tripping and sad faces and cold feelings towards me were just annoying.

i felt shit all the way home. i want to cry and cry and never stop. i don't get how i can feel this bad just from making my own plans. i didn't do anything wrong, did i? i definitely wasn't trying to purposefully hurt anyone/anyone's feelings. i didn't do it in a way it offended anyone. i was consciously aware of what i was doing, i thought about my decision carefully for days taking everything into account. i made room for change.

at least there weren't any arguments this yr though.

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are you still alive, poke.

Dec 23rd, 2013 8:42:48 pm - Subscribe

isn't there some daft christmas song that goes, "the weather outside is frightful"? because chhyeahhhh, hello. i don't think 80mph winds and floods and rain can justify making a deathly trip to london? maybe i'll be saved. maybe, just maybe.

i'm getting closer and closer and he's not bothered by my freak outs and it doesn't phase him at all and he's like "take it easy, i'm not going anywhere." and i know he loves me, and there's abundance and hope there and it's crazy. and it's platonic but more than that. it's almost unconditional. woah.

i'm so tired, been listening to the amélie soundtrack and writing random racing positive thoughts to him. about how i survived, got a degree, stayed true to me this year. i have been amazing rly. never thought i'd make it.

his stupid roof's leaking though. i feel 4 youuu.

supposed to be getting up at 9 for a delivery, oops. time to sleep.

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the audience

Dec 23rd, 2013 7:16:38 am - Subscribe

he's sticking around through the tough times, the dissociation and my abusive family being around. it's scary how much he wants to stay and how much he cares.

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teh worst

Dec 20th, 2013 5:16:17 pm - Subscribe

i'm so unlovable.

i'm about to have the worst time, surviving around family feeling depressed and suicidal.

i just want to die. what's worth it in life anyway if i can't be loved?

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Dec 17th, 2013 4:17:52 pm - Subscribe

i've discovered that all men are in fact weak shits. like, even the ones who don't seem like they are, ACTUALLY are. or maybe it's just that i'm too strong? i don't know.

boys/men are pathetic, and a man has yet to prove me wrong.

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i guess you're not reading anymore.

Dec 14th, 2013 6:08:50 pm - Subscribe

i wish this year would be over with already. please, please be over already. this is the worst time of year for everything - i feel so alone :( am i not human enough to have anyone? :(

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