aries
Date: Sep 30th, 2008 11:47:49 am - Subscribe
Mood: undecided
YOUR ARIES DAILY HOROSCOPE FOR TODAY
ARIES - March 21st - April 20th
Take a diplomatic approach with someone who is always stirring the pot. It's possible they are causing trouble because they feel overshadowed by you. You must admit, your personality can be a bit overpowering at times. By giving them space you'll discover their hidden talents. Forming a business partnership will be profitable for you both. When you give each other a chance, you balance each other nicely.
Comments: (0)
seductive style
Date: Sep 30th, 2008 9:10:45 am - Subscribe
Mood: doubtful
Comments: (0)
okays, i changed the background again
Date: Sep 29th, 2008 2:38:28 pm - Subscribe
Mood: daring
Music: As you sleep - SoCo
it's back to plain white, i guess.
hm.
i haven't had the time to write in a while.
i hate that i don't have time; there are so many things i'm going to have not written down.
thursday night, big night. mostly, i'm excited... then i'm kind of nervous. nervous because i want to get along with my first year roommate (who is also doing psychology), because i don't want to be under command from two post-grads; and also, i'm nervous 'cause this is it. it's what i've waited for forever. richard believed i could have my own life, he got me here. i gave up believing it would happen..
i don't know when i'll get my laptop by.
i'm not going with a tv (i'm being forced to socialise properly and meet new people.) i have 'net access, though without a laptop, i dunno what i'll do.
i guess i wish i was leaving with some comfort. i mean, okay, i do have my phone. i'll call people i miss lots, text and such.
rach told me to call if i ever felt weird about being away..
it just feels weird, not being here; not being stuck and tormented and all of it..
it's not gonna happen anymore. (:
but it also feels weird, not being able to see familiar people or places all the time.
i miss ellen :/
fjnghfdsijs.
anyways.
lots of other stuffs to say.. but no time to say it!
until whenever,
x
Comments: (0)
crappy daysss
Date: Sep 25th, 2008 5:36:42 pm - Subscribe
Mood: deflated
i just want to talk to him more than ever, right now.
i want a hug. :(
i want to start again.
i want to be thousands and thousands of miles away from here.
i have a headache and my cold's suddenly getting worse again :( i wish i could curl up in bed and forget anyone outside of it ever existed.
Comments: (0)
it's not as cold out here, but come quick, i am losing feeling
Date: Sep 25th, 2008 5:10:59 pm - Subscribe
Mood: zonked
Music: Jack's Mannequin / SoCo / Andrew McMahon
funk, i miss richard. :(
Comments: (0)
uh oh
Date: Sep 24th, 2008 6:06:52 pm - Subscribe
Mood: awesome
i feel like re-inventing again.
ripping it all off and changing it.
this, and other things.
london was cool, though maybe not the best idea ever. i feel like i'm hungover (but it's only my cold.) i have an unexplainable sick feeling and i'm constantly hungry. it kinda feels infection-y too. but ohwells.
friday - went OTT on the packing.
saturday - travelled, walked the distance i'll have to walk to the building i have the majority of my lectures in, met neighbours, unpacked.
sunday - london with steve, jason, liz, amy and andrea in steve's dad's caravan/trailer.
andrea (ahhn-drey-ah) is from delft in holland (where i've been (ohmygod david/jackie chan memories) before) and it was cool being the person who knows the most about london (enough to not get lost easily) to show her around.
i'm funking envious of the models. funkit!
and pizza express was funny, '£25?!' ololz.
monday- the eye, again. second time's not as thrilling.
it's cool to get to know new people though.
harrods, palace, windsor and the tower.
we went to a cozy little cafe too. it was awesome.
and i couldn't resist a funking cappucino. i've had too many of them lately.
tuesday- hung out, went around harrow and northolt.
i was going to ask sarah what she was up to but then i remembered; she'd be at school. hah
and that is BASICALLY it.
because,
now,
i need rest.
kthnx.
and ow. :(
Comments: (0)
and in a short space of time..
Date: Sep 15th, 2008 10:26:21 pm - Subscribe
Mood: glimmered and glazed (just stick up the heat.. LOLzz)
i caught up with becky.. who found herself a job at cooltrader whilst i was away, jen who's still very much in love with ben (and paige is doing great after her 2nd birthday.. which reminds me, it's jayden's 2nd near the end of next month ;)
this also occured:
Richard says:
how cynical are you.
.sex on fire. says:
not that cynical anymore, really.
.sex on fire. says:
bailey's fucking rocks.
Richard says:
it does inded.
Richard says:
so you're being optimistic now ?
.sex on fire. says:
yeah, maybe.
guess i'll find out soon enough.
Richard says:
Yeah, if it is all just jaded.
.sex on fire. says:
how was the pub quiz then?
Richard says:
won.
Richard says:
awesomely as well.
.sex on fire. says:
thought you would have done.
Richard says:
why's that/
.sex on fire. says:
just because.
had a feeling it wouldn't have been any other way.
Richard says:
won beer.
.sex on fire. says:
cool.
Richard says:
always cool.
Richard says:
you'll have a yellow card soon.
.sex on fire. says:
hm, what? lol
Richard says:
you'll find out.
.sex on fire. says:
'kays.
Richard says:
cynicism ftw though.
.sex on fire. says:
i don't think i'll be any less cynical.
nothing really changes.
Richard says:
exactly.
.sex on fire. says:
and it's there already, so.
Richard says:
well then.
.sex on fire. says:
need sleep since i've been up since 6 for no reason.
.sex on fire. says:
night. x
Richard says:
mmm sleep.
Richard says:
night.
Richard says:
will tie you up later.
.sex on fire. says:
if you want ;) lol.
Richard sent 15/09/2008 23:20:
gag you.
Richard sent 15/09/2008 23:20:
just tease you for hours ?
.sex on fire. says:
don't like where this is going...
Richard says:
good.
.sex on fire. says:
night. x
Richard says:
night.
Richard says:
x
and, um.. andy; the next entry is the one you're supposed to read ;) heh.
and i'm sorry i didn't tell you that rich was talking to me again, this morning. :/
<3
Comments: (0)
what i've been trying to say
Date: Sep 15th, 2008 7:58:10 pm - Subscribe
Mood: sick :(
Music: if everyone cared - nickelback
'kay, i've been avoiding writing stuff for long enough. i'm at least going to attempt something proper.
i'm selfish, i'm not taking care of myself like i probably should anymore. It took me a few minutes to swallow some pills 'cause i've got a funking cold, too.
i really shouldn't be here, and i know i should give it at least one last shot to make it all stop, to end it all.
he always says i've got more chances later; to try it out for a while and then decide. but i don't think he fully gets it.
i don't want to have a glimpse of what it could be like, of all the things.. and people and places.
it all sounds a lot better than it really is. and i've never known better, i've only dreamed of better.
i probably have too high hopes, it's all probably going to fall through, and even if it doesn't; i know i don't want any of it. i never did, not for the past so many years anyway.
it's a lot like sex, really. once you've done it, you always want more... always come back for just that one night (which is conveniently spaced over several years..)
and what about not being sucked in to the way they choose to be? i've always said i'm not going to be like that.
i need the strength to fight it, but i don't have anything left anymore at all. i lost it all and i know it. the people around here won't be as significant soon enough, and it's like the perfect chance. right?
cuba was a last minute thing, really. australia would have been so much more...
yesterday he told me he's going to australia for a year from next march.
i didn't ask a lot more.. the kiss was back.. the words were sincere..
maybe he was in the place, the last time..
i always know he does care, no matter what.
i didn't dare touch on the subject of 'i don't give a fuck anymore,' though.
he was going on about the kings of leon, and nottingham (and how he had to be fished out of the fountain) and travelling and cars... it felt normal. a comforting kind of normal. i know he wants me to know he's around.
raffa and him went to a pub quiz last night, hah.
and it wasn't him... i know that he wasn't a part of that sick joke. jonny's the one who's the idiot. a melodramatic idiot.
love is the most stupid thing ever.
it's funny how i don't feel it anymore, how i have this massive barrier preventing it. i know exactly; i could even pin point that feeling whenever it came around me. I don't think i can love anymore, but maybe it's the talk of practically a whole summer away from.. activity. i know what i mean by that. not what it exactly says... or sounds like.
i kind of have a general feeling that it's being directed.. something like an aura. ololzzzz, now i sound like a funking medium or somethin'.
but, if i go along with it.. then there are chances.. and pain.. and all of it. do i really want to?
sometimes i do wish i could feel it all.. :/
anyway, cuba was supposed to be good. a proper chance to recover and stuffs. yet, i ended up crying a lot of the nights. i even got compliments off cuban guys out there (which for a few minutes made me smile and glow with confidence - until it settled in that they thought i was actually interested, which made them complete desperate idiots that thought i could be 'easy' - which, btw in itself made me quietly laugh to myself.) until my parents got in the way..
i mean, i spent some time with them .. but i prefered to be alone enjoying it all by myself.
i still cry... i cried so hard last night. woke up at 6 am and discovered the startings of the funking cold. my mum caught it off someone off the plane, and now i have it. :/
it's amazing what difference an ocean makes. i wish the world was all one again, and people could walk over lands just like that. or that, at least i could travel by folding a map; afraid of falling off the edge of the world. it must have been more exciting to live in those times.
i hate being back.. i remember 6 am on saturday morning when we arrived at the airport. there was fresh rain on the ground, no surprises there..
the time zones shifting, everything shaking me up made me really hungry. i got cookies out of the vending machine (which, i got a cool deal of 2 for the price of one, ololz - and i still have one pack left! xD) and we were waiting outside for tim to come pick us up and mum and i shared a pasty. goddd, it was cool outside, getting colder by the second - and that funking gorgeous pasty warmed me right up.
today's got me bad..
i really want to need to get out of this place. i want to travel with him next year.. (not particularly to start anything up or anything..)
i miss the blue skies - proper blue, the way sky blue is supposed to be. i miss the ocean, the beach, the sound of the waves crashing.. the calmness..
the colours; the green and blue and yellows, and orange when the sun was setting.
it's like a pain hitting me, not being able to be where i want to be.. where i want to see..
i envy people who live in the warmth, who have the sun and the beaches and the sea. air conditioning works just good for me.
i used to love being out at night just looking at the stars - on a VERY rare occassion, you can make out a few stars in the skies here.
But this, this was perfectly clear, perfectly amazing, breathtaking. i used to sit out there on my own for ages. it was my 'peace time' away from my parents in the evenings.
ololz, all of that probably made me sound proper gay..
and hah, i have to speak of john, the canadian manwhore at some point.. xP
people don't care, except for a few. i've noticed their actions...
i have so much more that i want to say, that i should say; that i want to elaborate on..
but i think i should leave this for now.. get some sleep or somethin'.
Comments: (0)
putting pen to paper is a chore sometimes
Date: Sep 14th, 2008 6:54:08 pm - Subscribe
Mood: missing the sun and warmth, and sea
i swear i'm gonna update soon.
ololz.
Comments: (0)
i've been dying to say..
Date: Aug 23rd, 2008 4:33:58 pm - Subscribe
Mood: horrible
that i love you.
pw changed to this, don't know who got on here and posted the oldddddd youtube vid. don't know how many outsiders have seen it now :/
anyway..
i just wanted to know you had changed, i wanted to believe you really want this; but now, i can see that you don't and that maybe you'll never change.
there are no more chances for me to believe in love,
so basically now, i live for nothing at all.
i just wanted to....
i thought that if i could..
or maybe if i did that..
i just wish i had someone to talk to about these things..
Comments: (0)
What Jess was really like
Date: Aug 7th, 2008 2:29:00 pm - Subscribe
Comments: (0)
I hate blood, but at least I'm not pregnant
Date: Jun 26th, 2008 3:21:06 pm - Subscribe
Mood: moody
Music: The Five 'O Clock Heroes Ft. Agyness Deyn - Who
Am I just ms-next-girl?
Am I just the convienent rebound girl?
Am I there because he doesn't want to be lonely/alone?
He's just going to hurt me again. And am I really prepared for more lies and possible cheating?
I may just be 'the one who's there,' but what about when i'm not? There could be a quick someone else, or an even bigger mess. Anytime.
Anyways, stupid blood, stupid rain, stupid weekend; although, i'm not pregnant, which is a good thing. I have this weird feeling, partial tiredness mixed with something else I can't really explain. It just sucks, although; I got a tiny amount of motivation back today. I'm thankful for it. I just hope it doesn't fade.
My parents started all these silly arguments with me yesterday evening, and I just couldn't be bothered; and all I want to do is move forwards, but it's so hard when they keep going on.
It feels like all their anger or whatever is just building up, and it'll eventually cause a massive explosion. Not looking forward to that. :/
-----------
I've got a headache, I'm tired, my stomach cramps are stupid. I just don't feel right, and I'm fxcking moody and emotional.
Idiot.
I feel like bitching. Or being a bitch. Or kicking something. Punching someone.
Maybe he's another annoying picture freak. I feel sick.
Everything annoys me. I'm simply annoyed. I simply suck.
theend.
Comments: (0)
I desire nothing more than I get, cause nothing I have is truly mine
Date: Jun 25th, 2008 3:11:07 pm - Subscribe
Mood: worried
Music: Life for rent - Dido
I'm ridiculously honest.
I close up to not get hurt.
I cry at stupid things and I want to find so much good. I love more than I should love. I want to discover that it's all worth it.
I want that hot chocolate we found in Canada, the one with pre-packed marshmallows that tasted oh-so gorgeous.
I want poptarts or Kahlua coffee. Not alcoholic; just the flavouring.
When we went to Canada when I was nine, I remember we brought back home a massive tin of the stuff. It was sad when we ran out :(
Root beer would be cool too.
Or entering one of those 14634636 % fattening Dairy Queen's.
Sounds as if I'm missing Canada.
But then again, I'd love some apple tea. It's annoying that we can't have that stuff over here. I think you can buy poptarts somewhere in Camden Market, although since it had a massive fire there last summer; I doubt most of the stall owners will be back.
It's all down South anyway. Somewhere where I will be going soon enough, hopefully. But you know, I'll be a poverty ridden student. Practically anyway.
I don't want to need or want.
It's stupid. That's why solving and changing the way we think is something I should do before I leave here. Because i'm going to hate all I have to do otherwise. Get the help, that's what I need to do.
And I don't even know why I'm turned on. I feel fat and annoyed and know I suck. I wish something was good; 'it takes 5 good things to cancel out a bad thing,' or something like that anyway. And the good things are never abundant enough. I have no reason to be alright, I deserve what I get; it's all my fault really. Just wish something was alright.
I'm annoyed with myself; believing that something could be okay. I can't help thinking about what it could be like, but I doubt it'll ever happen.
Click
I can at least attempt all of those, but I definitely struggle with point 6 a lot.
Hmm. I don't even know what I'm writing anymore. Went to bed at four this morning, got up at 9; haven't really felt tired all day.
My stomach hurts. Why am I still alive?
Anyway, I have a plan. Reading this book called 'Bird' tonight. Warmth, torchlight and computer conversations. It's a new thing. Until I pass out.
kthenbai. <3
Comments: (0)
To be honest;
Date: Jun 24th, 2008 10:11:57 pm - Subscribe
Mood: jumbled
Music: death cab
I've been avoiding writing much, or just avoiding issues by sticking someone else's words in here in quotes, or hardly writing anything at all.
To be honest, I'm cold, turned on and kind of tired. Tired; although for most of the day I did almost nothing of greatness. Watched Juno again, listened to soundtracks, ate and.. oh, I actually started a book. Well technically, I started reading one last night; Richard Pelzer's, the one that always makes me cry reading nearly every paragraph of the first chapter. No wonder I don't get very far before I call it a night, the tears draining me so much; and I feel as if the book is too much to take.
I remember thinking last night about the power of words. It's funny how you can have the same subject thoughts over again and never come to any plausible conclusion on what you were thinking about. Words are strong, words are beautiful and overflowing and sometimes can be baffling; energetic or depressing, loving or hating. Words can defuse terrible situations, words can save lives and can be open and allow your imagination to run away with you. No doubt, words can be hurtful and negative, and in some situations; just plain wrong.
I've been thinking a lot about words. Words have been a core component of my survival.
So you may be thinking, 'this girl's a little crazy droning on about "the power of words" and she should shut up and move on to something more interesting.'
I do often ramble, but it's because I have all these words at my mind's disposal that I don't want to stop. Words can say little or a lot. Nothing or everything. I used to read a lot growing up; from as far back as the age of 2 or 3. I used to be read to, I used to learn of stories through picture books; I used to read and practice my letters of the alphabet. I remember having lots of books as a child. Many may have called me a 'bookworm' or the startings of an introvert.
I remember reading all sorts. From fairytales to long poems; those 'press the buttons as you go along reading' books and the series of Goosebumps or the Wondercrump Poetry. I still have some of my old books; I started reading proper novels, aimed for more younger adults than anyone else, when I was just 9.
We went to the York Dungeons in York one long weekend, I remember scoring 3 books from then. So much excitement amongst sucking on aniseeds and all those smiles. Anyway, from Dahl to Gaiman; words have inspired me, taken me away, led my imagination astray. They have helped me think of future escapes, what it can be like, what i can achieve. they've given me hope and witty one-liners and an extensive vocab amongst a lot more. And it's not only fiction, sometimes non-fiction; true tales are really nice.
At one point I wanted to become a writer; my former friend Emily Heizler (who left to move to Soho... aka Solihull when we were 10) had previously published a short story book about a cat, with the guidance of her grandfather. I wanted so badly to get something of mine published but knew my ideas were far too big; and my stories were too good to really share with the world. Later on, my talent was indirectly crushed; by my parents of course. 'Writers sit around and do nothing for months until they finally get all the inspiration they need to finish a book... then, only the lucky ones get paid; because it depends on how many copies an author sells.. and you wouldn't want to take a job chancing like that.'
It is true, but I've been thinking that writing could be my career. Wouldn't pay tons, unless I was well renowned like J.K. Rowling or someone. But, you know, I could try.
Of course all my inspiration and constant writer's block/avoidance at this stage isn't a good sign.
Nonetheless, I think if I got that help, I could do whatever I wanted. Right now it feels like the scale only has two options; seek real good help or plunge for the depths of death. I am passionate about helping others, but maybe a book is a good starting place? Psychologists are always writing self-help, parenting books, articles and others.
If I could live by an ocean, or in a warm and quiet-ish little town where there were lizards and cool creatures. If I could have a guy with me, there to take in all the beauty of everything; really appreciating it. Money not being an obstacle or something we desperately need. We could grow our own food and occassionally order take out. I would love to be pregnant, have children screaming and playing about the masses of land around us. It was be awesome, inspiring; and.. this is strangely reminding me of Canada and all the sights, scenes and smells about The Rockies.
Gosh, If I could; I would.
P.S. (although I don't know why I am doing so on this entry..) Haven't had my period in a good close to seven weeks. :/
May have to go see a dr if nothing happens next week.
Pregnancy wishes come true? Ahah.
Comments: (0)
weird how similar this is to my life
Date: Jun 21st, 2008 2:27:32 pm - Subscribe
Mood: deflated
Music: tiny vessels - death cab
'You know what? I think you're too stable for both your dad and your mom. I think they are pulling you down.
Like your parents are not bad people, don't think I am saying that.
But I think you have your own .. self, and they are trying to pull you in opposite directions.
And it's fucking confusing you emotionally
Tiffany and Ramsay says:
If they left you alone to sort shit out, I so think you'd be happy
<3'
Comments: (0)
Gauge out my eyes and sing me hateful lullabies
Date: Jun 13th, 2008 4:04:38 pm - Subscribe
Mood: screwed
This is so very typical.
No one's around when I need to talk to someone.
:(
Oh, and I forgot to mention... Friday the 13th.
In many recent years gone by, I thought all the hype was for nothing. Guess my luck's changed.
Comments: (1)
Not mine, but i can so relate
Date: Jun 12th, 2008 3:28:22 pm - Subscribe
Mood: meh
Music: Coldplay - Viva La Vida
'Do you know what it's like to lose a part of your life? Unwillingly at that. When you've fought so hard... just to get it all ripped away.
Now I am drinking away my problems with a friend who I havn't talked to since sophomore year and we are sitting on the train tracks over the river.
Watching the water run beneath us it's not moving fast but it's moving.. the same with my life lately.
I lost him... I hope not forever. We were meant to be. He was the one. He still loves me "More than a friend but not as much as I used to".
It's all my fault, I let him go the first time.
I've cried for over twenty four hours straight my eyes are swollen and I don't want to live anymore. I don't want to cry or think about him either.
It shouldn't be this hard ever. I want to go back in time I love him so much. I get so frustrated.
Okay so I am drunk and this is why I am telling you all this but I don't think anyone knows what it's like to be me lately. Nothing in my life is what I thought it was.
Everything is falling apart and I can't put it back together. I am trying so hard. I just need a little help.
While we were sitting on that bridge we were talking while drinking down beer and sipping cheap vodka, you know the kind you buy for about ten dollars and you just mix it with gatorade like it's high school all over again.
We were just sitting there on the tracks taking rocks and seeing how far we could throw them... not as far as our softball days. We were talking about life, boys, school, and the past. And then we both got really quiet not an awkward quiet but a peaceful quiet. And then I found myself thinking how I wouldn't really mind all that much if a train came right now... I would do one of two things.
I would either sit there with my head down and drink my bud light or I would step aside and jump on it and go where ever it takes me. Far away hopefully.
I would love to disappear for a while and show up a whole new person, learning from different experiences. I want to work on a farm and fall in love with someone random just to leave a few days later. I want to kiss a boy from every state, and meet a cute stranger in the train station and have him buy me dinner... I want to make someone fall in love with me and ruin them the way you did me. Ruin them for anyone else so that they can never love fully again, you stole my heart and not in the cute sense of the phrase.
But you stole apart of me and I want it back.'
Comments: (1)
Found this on one of my olddd xanga's
Date: May 21st, 2008 8:32:18 pm - Subscribe
Mood: unloved
Music: Paramore
echoes, silence, patience and grace
i don't understand why people would choose power and money over love. this world is built on love. love is the hope of tomorrow. love doesn't destroy the lives of thousands. it doesn't corrupt lives. power does. money can. i don't understand how we can let such unintelligent people make decisions for us. i don't understand their plans. how necessary is it for a world government? how important can that be, when our world is dying. why do we need possessions, trivial things, land, money, power? we have love. we have everything we need. we shouldn't change a thing.
we should be trying to save the world, its beauty and nature and origin. we shouldn't be trying to take it over, to rule it. we shouldn't exploit it and destroy it. we're bringing the world to its end before its time is even done. we're destroying ourselves and what we should be standing for. we should take care. of the world, of ourselves and of each other.
these people don't need more land to rule. they need functioning hearts. they need sense. they need to be straightened out. and if we're going to let these people take over our world just to feel powerful and earn money, then we're the ones in need of sense. we're in a horrible situation, and no one's doing anything about it. love is the only thing that can save us. have heart, be brave. stand your ground, stand for something good. we're losing our grace.
music is the only thing that ever really makes sense to me anymore.
Comments: (0)
A jumble of things
Date: May 16th, 2008 10:52:13 pm - Subscribe
Mood: abandoned
Music: TGMT - Time to Pretend
'Blank and I have been broken up since Septemberish... it was my fault.
I have regretted it for a while. But we were like in one of those "It's complicated" type of relationships.
It seems when one person is ready for a relationship the other isn't.
It's funny how things work out like that.
Today we were at his house just hanging out and we started talking about us. What is going to happen why is it weird? Can we fix it?
His idea was to break up for good and see if we can fix it that way but I told him the truth, if you break this up for good I won't be able to talk to you for a while. I mean a while. He didn't like that idea.
He said "I love you, I want this to be better, and I need you in my life but I am not ready for this relationship to be real again because we both have to figure ourselves out".
I agree.
I cried, a lot. He did too. We realized breaking up wouldn't fix us. We had to let down our walls. What happened to us over this past year. We spent three years happily together. We never even fought.
We were perfect. I still think we can be.'
I remember feeling like that with Richard. I miss those days... terribly.
Need I say I love you
Need I say I care
Need I say the emotions,
Something we dont share
I dont want to be sitting here
Trying to deceive you
Cos you know I know baby
That I dont wanna go.
We cannot live together
We cannot live apart
Thats the situation
Ive known it from the start
Every time that I look at you
I can see the future
Cos you know I know babe
That I dont wanna go.
Throwing it all away
Throwing it all away
Is there nothing that I can say
To make you change your mind
I watch the world go round and round
And see mine turning upside down
Youre throwing it all away.
Now who will light up the darkness
Who will hold your hand
Who will find you the answers
When you dont understand
Why should I have to be the one
Who has to convince you
Cos you know I know baby
That I dont wanna go.
Someday youll be sorry
Someday when youre free
Memories will remind you
That our love was meant to be
Late at night when you call my name
The only sound youll hear
Is the sound of your voice calling
Calling after me.
Just throwing it all away
Throwing it all away
Theres nothing I can say
Were throwing it all away
Yes were throwing it all away...
That's how i feel about a lot of people in my life.
I don't see why petty differences have to spoil the bigger, more important stuff. Like keeping me alive.
Terrible thoughts. I love him so stupidly much, but...
I want things.
Things I can't have, in the here and now, with him...
Like travel,
like move out quickly,
like rely on when he'll be done work.
It seems so selfish, to take something so perfect, and question it based on my own petty selfish needs.
I wish I were lonesomely wandering the world, shacked up in a shanty in some obscure part of the globe, far from the mundaneness of the digital world of the west.
I hate this valuation system that us westerners have, who's to say that a writer is less important than an accountant, and a teacher makes less than an electrician?
I want common sense, and to be taken seriously as a human being... to escape these false hopes and dreams and aspirations, that in all actuality only belong to my parents, my grandparents, my tormentors...
I want to have my perfect world, without the pain of building it myself.
I've felt like that before, I have some of those feelings about the world.
http://www.aeonity.com/aya
And that's a link to feelings i have felt.
I know, i'm not exactly sharing my own.
It's scary.
Sometimes it feels like a punch in my stomach, the one's that can knock you into the next week.
Sometimes it's the sick feeling in my throat that I can't get rid of for hours.
Sometimes it's when I can't concentrate or be productive. I wanted to write, proper writing. Like how I used to.
I was in the kitchen earlier, pouring myself some smoothie when I glanced at the window and saw spidey; spidey with a message.
I willed him to whisper what it was, but I knew he thought it was too dangerous to.
We're all living our risky lives at the minute, and he knew it was another risk he didn't want me to take, not now.
Spidey was the only creature left to want to protect me.
I'm closing all the high-security walls down further and further.
They'd already reached the bottom depths of Hell, but they're really far rooted now.
This is it now; the end.
It's funny how earlier, I was thinking about the Carmine Evangelic writings, I wanted to write some more.
Right now, it's the one where Carmine's on the edge of the cliff.
Plox pleh em.
No one hears me.
this is how it should be.
i want to lose myself in the music. disappear from this world.
i want to forget the moment. escape the now. be free.
i want to be in the big moving crowd, a part of the mass.
swinging my head back and forth, my body made of sweat,
of dance, of freedom, of love. my heart singing with joy.
this is how it is.
i'll curl up in bed, the window wide-open, even if it lets
the spiders in, 'cause i need the air, i can't breathe.
i'll read. i'll read. the clock will turn one. two. three.
i'll fall into a light feverish sleep, tossing back and forth.
and then i'll wake up. sweaty, and warm, and i'll have
to hang out of the wide-open window to calm down.
i'll get back into bed, clutching my stomach, tears rolling
down my cheeks in desperation, anxiety and longing.
where are you when i need you?
"At this moment there are 6,470,818,671 people in the world. Some are running scared. Some are coming home. Some tell lies to make it through the day. Others are just now facing the truth. Some are evil men, at war with good. And some are good, struggling with evil. Six billion people in the world. Six billion souls. And sometimes -- all you need is one."
theend.
Comments: (0)
ehlpe
Date: May 12th, 2008 9:31:46 am - Subscribe
Mood: isolated
humidity.
tears.
not being arsed.
pushing people further and futher away.
Comments: (0)