Please, please, please
Date: Apr 26th, 2008 11:03:42 am - Subscribe
Mood: indescribable
Music: Coldplay - Speed of Sound
This is probably the most important entry to date.
I want nothing more to be selfless, to help others, to be there for them. I remember asking richard if life is worth living if it's not for yourself, only ever for others. His reply 'i live like that everyday, i don't know what i'd do if it was for me. X'
Maybe i'll turn to feeling exactly like that, i'm already over three-quarters there. My one and only chance of breaking the way things are is getting into university, having hope for the future. If this gets ruined, I don't know what to do but find ways of killing myself. Killing myself until i succeed.
I know i need the help, i need the help more than (anyone) many people needs help. Every minute of every day wasted on this feeling, a feeling that never ends, a cycle i cannot break. And if i break it, it always finds a way of returning.
Living to be selfless isn't working. It always comes back to this, this very horrid and tragic tale. This truth that no one else chooses to defy, chooses to help with the change.
Restoration in my living for others just isn't enough anymore. It's gone way, far too far past that stage now. Yet I cannot help wanting to help others, wanting to do this for others.
My life isn't for me, and several people have told me this is very noble of me, thinking and being like this. If i can't get into university this year, i won't be able to deal with the consequences of that in my life. I won't be able to help others, and ultimately I see no point in living.
Yes, 'there's always something worth fighting for.' All's well when said, but when you see, there is no fight left in me.
There's only superficial fight.
The fighting feeling only ever gets properly fired by Richard, and he's not around anymore.
For at least the past two months I have been going over and over the thought that I just do not know what to do anymore.
How many forms of help do i have to try and seek before i see at least a slight improvement?
How many times do I have to be unable to see past the feeling that I feel at any given moment? Only to screw evertything else up in the process.
Self-destruct to the point of almost no return, to only superfically find a cure. A temporary cure. Not that these are healthy cures, some are pure evil; they're rotting me to the core.
I'm being cut inside, unable to breathe, unable to eat or function properly at all. I'm being rotted and corrupted, i'm being slowly made to suffer. All the people who are doing it are fully aware.
I cannot live my life because of my past, it continuously and infinitely disrupts me trying to move on, move forwards.
it's really not me 'letting it.' Hell no. Ihave tried time and time again to fight it, to stop it, to put an end to it once and for all.
It is not how I think about life. In everything that's happened, i have learnt to think of the priniciples of finding a happy place. I have learnt to not take the crap feeling at that moment forwards. I've learnt to let it pass, to think better of the value of my own life.
Except, there is no further reinforcement, it never gets further than that. Nothing gets any further.
I've tried all my life, this is no exaggeration.
In the end, all people want is for me to give, give and give. I wouldn't actually mind that, but the point is, i need to get something; something for me to be able to keep giving.
People are aware of the damage they are doing to me, yet they offer no atonement for their actions, show no remorse, do nothing at all.
I've been told that there are nice people out there, yet all the people i've come across in my life have not been nice. All the people that i haven't helped, that is.
Maybe it was my fault that i had to grow up too quickly and find these kinds of people. (Apparently, i'm not to take blame for the things that shouldn't have happened. But how can i not when i'm here, right now?)
Love.
Hate.
Strength.
Pain.
Demise.
Destruction.
Restoration.
Anguish.
Superficial smiles.
Selfless acts.
Altruism.
Masks.
Fights.
Screams.
Silent screams.
Fear.
Safety.
Pleas.
Deals.
Superifical help.
Torment/Suffering.
Change (for the worse.)
Deprivation.
Privation.
Suppression/repression.
Mental health.
Physical health.
Depression.
Manic depression (bi-polarity.)
Increased environmental triggers.
Increased biological chances.
Hope (a glimmer.)
Dreams.
Hope and dreams shattered.
Searching.
Trying and trying to find peace. Any kind of peace.
Continuous cycles.
Unhealthy obsessions.
Personal care.
Care (period.)
HELP ME.
help.
help.
help.
I've tried everything. Possibly absolutely everything.
If i can't get through now, what am i supposed to do?
:(
I need something,
something for myself.
Warnings given to people aren't taken seriously.
What in the serious hell am i supposed to do?
I've never been able to trust anyone; how can i trust when i couldn't even trust the people i was supposed to?
The importance of family, it may suck but it's still vital for someone's existence.
I want to trust someone, but every crap person i meet is another person who proves me right.
I want someone to prove me wrong.
I've been saying this since at least the age of fifteen; that i don't want to have to want or need.
I know, for fact, that i wrote that in my lovexhate aeonity when i first got it.
I miss back then, I had a feeling that the future was going to happen. I loved the earth for what it was, providing me stars and scenery and hope and wishes.
That all dissolved quickly.
I need someone.
Something.
At least when i was younger, it was a cycle full of ways out.
Now it's just a cycle of continuous and impending doom.
I've said a lot.
Maybe too much for people to read.
I need to stop, i guess.
I've been listening to Coldplay - Speed Of Sound non-stop all morning.
I've been picking up the Coldplay vibe since yesterday.
Please.
How long before I get in?
Before it starts, before I begin?
How long before you decide?
Before YOU know what it feels like?
Where To, where do I go?
If you never try, then you'll never know.
How long do I have to climb,
Up on the side of this mountain of mine?
Look up, I look up at night,
Planets are moving at the speed of light.
Climb up, up in the trees,
every chance that you get,
is a chance you seize.
How long am I gonna stand,
with my head stuck under the sand?
I'll start before I can stop,
before I see things the right way up.
All that noise, and all that sound,
All those places I got found.
And birds go flying at the speed of sound,
to show you how it all began.
Birds came flying from the underground,
if you could see it then you'd understand?
Ideas that you'll never find,
All the inventors could never design.
The buildings that you put up,
Japan and China all lit up.
The sign that I couldn't read,
or a light that I couldn't see,
some things you have to believe,
but others are puzzles, puzzling me.
All that noise, and all that sound,
All those places I got found.
And birds go flying at the speed of sound,
to show you how it all began.
Birds came flying from the underground,
if you could see it then you'd understand,
ah when you see it then you'll understand?
All those signs, I knew what they meant.
Some things you can invent.
Some get made, and some get sent,
Ooh?
Birds go flying at the speed of sound,
to show you how it all began.
Birds came flying from the underground,
if you could see it then you'd understand,
ah, when you see it then you'll understand?
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