'sleep and find sanity'
Date: Feb 23rd, 2008 5:42:22 pm - Subscribe
Mood: impatient
i feel like a burden on people again. :(
i need to write, but i can't because i'm distancing myself.
didn't i write just yesterday? i'm writing too much again which means it's bad.
i want to write but i can't.
i guess i should start with what happened.
what happened was;
i've been continuing to kill myself.
i kept doing it yesterday too.
i was so close to getting out of going to my mum's friend's place.
i admit, it was weird for her to be calling us over (the whole family) for dinner.
sigh.
why did i give in?
why.
why.
why?
dad said we were only going for dinner and coming back pretty much straight after.
i contested, i felt he'd go back on his word like he ALWAYS does.
and so, i felt tons sick. i got in the car, was half zombie-like on the way there.
Fake smiles.
Fake fitting in.
It was clearly apparent i didn't belong there.
There wasn't just us.
There was their family too.
So,
talking with maria; found out she did that character based on me for her drama thing.
my god.
and she has her drama teacher at uni called Paris who's 42 & makes them do 10 hours of training a week, and she just kept going on
and on
and on.
:|
and so,
by the end of it all.
the men ate dinner first, which was odd; i thought.
then us.
and there were strange women.
and they kept talking about ghosts and spiritual experiences. they're all religious.
and hm. attitudes of different people.
and i was half falling asleep.
maria's mum kept shoving food in everyone's plates.
it was tortorous, it was coming up to 9:30
we were supposed to be home already,
i was getting a build up of anger inside.
anger because i was sick & all i wanted to do was to get into bed and go to sleep,
anger because my dad HAD once again gone back on his word.
I KNEW IT
i knew it,
i did.
*breathes*
so then, eventually (at about 10:30)
we get forced to eat cake.
so THAT WAS IT.
the reason.
the whole effing bloody point to being there.
and we were only just discovering it when the night was large.
i did text rich,
flung all my emotions onto him.
i know, i suck.
i was pushing him away.
i think i pissed him off a little.
he wanted to call me; we were waiting to do what was supposed to happen for a couple of weeks or so now.
last week got interrupted by family, of course.
at one point, i even told him to leave me alone.
he knew i didn't mean it though, thank god.
or i don't know what i'd do.
and he was like, ''If i was there, i'd give you a hug and stay up too x''
because yeah, i was punishing myself again & trying to stay up late even though i was sick.
he also said i was in a ''silly, self pitying mood'' & i shouldn't ''let family shit get to me. i should rise above it.''
and i'm like, well that's what i've been doing for months, and i'm sick of it. i can't do it anymore.
i can't do it anymore, can i?
so anyways, i went to sleep until about 4.
couldn't go back to sleep,
wanted to feel.
i ended up listening to depressing songs and crying a lot.
and today's no better.
today i feel like i need to die.
i'm pushing people away
and i don't like it.
i don't like anything.
anything at all.
... :(
Comments: (1)
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marlene - February 23rd, 2008 |
