jessiebell's Blog

that cold whistling wind brushing against my cheek, making me shiver.
Date: Feb 8th, 2007 6:43:04 pm - Subscribe
Mood: tearful
Music: Army Of Freshmen - Juliet

just when i start to feel like i'm getting better, it always seems to get worse.
ten times worse.

i'd like to kill someone right now.
i'm shaking, no kidding.

i actually feel like i could die. disappear, drop off the earth & no one would notice. no one would be affected.
that's not true, i know.
parents/family.

but that's it.

i don't touch anyone's heart, no one admires me, no one else loves me or even cares.
i'll never make an impact, never be heard. there's no chance i can be the person i want to be.
i should just give up, stop fighting.

it's easier said than done.

i've fought for 15 years of my life.
i've gotten through so much, been through so much. it's scarred me, true. it's bruised every inch of me, true.

& i let it go. it took a while to let go of all the things that have happened to me.
but i got there in the end. couldn't have done it without rich. whom i miss terribly right now.

but, however much i've let go of the past. it always seems to come back, haunt me & bite me on the ass.
& that's what gets my veins all pumped up.
i can't stand it, that after everything i've ever been through.
it always comes back.

no one can help either. i know, i've always tried everything that i possibly can to make it better.
but it's always going to be like this.
rich is living proof of that.

i don't know why i have to keep fighting against it, why i can't just accept that i'll be a pathetic loser for the rest of my life.
it's too late for it to change now.

i've got a really bad feeling.
something is going to go horribly wrong.
meh.

i have been avoiding writing.
i couldn't write, actually.

i need to get out of this.
but there's no way.
i mean, maybe being with rach this weekend would have helped.
but no, i have to cancel that for a stupid wedding.

i wanna stop feeling crap.

<3
Comments: (2)

gdc - February 09th, 2007 So!!! How's it? (consciously ignoring all depressing statements previously made...) (Not to be mean, but I make reference to previous field yelling posts ) Sorry I haven't posted in a while. While you're at it, download "Loser" by Beck. Yeah!?!? So Johnathan and I went out for dinner... tee-hee. Wen t really well, the usual, we'll see about the rest.. So what else is new? How's class? There's this guy in my history class who agrees with EVERYTHING. so if the instructor is like: "And during the ruling of Alexander..." he's just like even before she finishes, "Oh yeah. Agreed." and nods his head... wtf? So now I just disagree with everything. He's beginning to pick up on it . haha. Oh and on aeonity we've been slapping eachother with fat trouts, so *GDC slaps Jessie with fat trout* there. pass it on. "Dilly-dally shilly-shally." "There is plenty of time in this life for 'supposed to' and 'what will be'. For each star in the sky there is a possibility and new opportunity for life. Why should you be burdened by all the stars especially when they are not your guiding light, but rather something else is? There is a time and a season for everything." *winks* Cheers* GDC

anonymous - February 09th, 2007 Oh Did I mention you watch "office space"? (download it!)

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