What is wrong?
Date: Jan 25th, 2007 10:52:13 pm - Subscribe
Mood: insignificant


 Second entry in a day.
Yes, something must be wrong.

I'm ready to die, i am back to unfeeling in a short space of time.
It's cool really, i can let go; just, other people should let go of me too.

I don't know why the future freaks me out, or why I feel sick to my stomach at the thought of being alone forever.
I don't know why i can't just deal with stuff, or let go of things easily.
Meh, and Richard ignoring me isn't doing me any good.
I want to be with him, now. So much that i just wanna cry, my head hurts & i wanna close my eyes.

I am nothing. I'll always be nothing. It happened many years ago and there's no way it can be fixed.
There's nothing anymore, not even fake happiness. & i should really just stop trying.
Or, i'll keep regretting. Like I regret the fact i never died when i could have last year.

And my head hurts so much. And it's so cold.
I want this all to be over. Because, the truth is; no matter how nicely you say things are going to get better. they never will.
All that is, when people say it; is a false hope. Fakeness, an illusion.

Just like love. It's a conformity of our minds.
Who decided that procreation was the way to go?
that there are different types of love?
that love needs to exist?

it doesn't really. we could live without love.
if the world had never had love, then i'm sure it would be a less complex place.
one less thing to worry about, i'd say.

i'm making myself feel sick, but i don't care.
i just want to die. more than anything, just get me out of here.

and i know no one can hear my voice.
my voice is tiny in the sea of a mass illusion.
it's a speck, if that.
I'll never be able to help anyone.

anyways, i think i should stop.
not that anyone's going to read this.

<3
Comments: (1)

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gdc - January 26th, 2007
Hah! Someone did read it!! *cue Batman music*

Just be sure, do you really feel like dieing or are you just suicidal in the morning? *winks* wink.gif Or perhaps when it comes down to it you just feel like walking off the face of the earth. Which is understandable.

I can guarantee you things will get better. Why? Because it is much like sunny days. Have you ever noticed how clear the sky gets before a storm? It's as though God is warning us that good things never last. Sometimes the storm lasts days and in our own lives the storm will last years even decades at a time but only until the worst has happened can the sun creep back onto the hills and help us to rebuild and reclaim the land that was taken from us.

In the most terrible terms: Sometimes we wish for stormy days to go away for the wrong reasons. Instead of hoping that it will "just get out of the way of our lives" we should perhaps hope it will "just bring a new day" and it most certainly will. No matter how cold it is and how starved your soul feels. And as for those emotions that are no longer attached, maybe they would be best saved in waiting for something to attach to. Not all love is for sharing. And as for the world that wants to be "loving" I think they have the terms "loving" confused with "good boundaries" and "being civil to one another".

Just remember that love makes the heart. People escape the very grasp of death because of love, our very survival depends on love. Love is something you can only share with selected people. If you didn't have love, why even begin relationships of any sort to begin with? But only real love can do this, not just "being in love" and "puppy love".

And by the way, I heard your voice. Even if when you wrote this you were whispering, it spoke to me. It was quite loud. And very clear.

You have my empathy that such a burden is weighing on you.

Enough of the rambling... *batman music cue out*
I sincerely hope things get better for you...
Cheers,

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