FEAR
Date: Jan 19th, 2007 1:40:27 pm - Subscribe
Mood: stressed


I try not to cry I try to be strong
I try to not let things get to me
That doesn't last long
Im sick of this feeling
That paralyzes me with fear
I feel like bad things will soon be here
I cant move or think
My face feels warm
My stomach hurts
I forever wait for the calm after the storm
Im sick of this panic
Im sick of this worry
Im sick of doing it alone
Im sick of the fury
I cant afford food
I cant afford rent
I cant afford daycare
All my money is spent
My hours get cut
My daycare shuts down
THings out of my control
No way to get around
I get this knot in my stomach
when I think of such things
I want the best for my son
Not providing that stings
The clouds cover my light
Hide me from the heat
I run as fast as I can
on the cold hard concrete
I wish the lightening would stike and kill
So the breath from my lungs is no longer still...



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Its been so long
Date: Jan 9th, 2007 10:50:12 am - Subscribe
Mood: zoned


It has been a long time since I have written. Between holidays and everything else going on, things have been very crazy. I also moved which sucks. I only moved because my mother kicked me and my son out...because I didn't clean enough. Even though I was the only one to clean. And take care of my son. She had the house all torn apart, but thats my fault too. Everything was my fault. She also said I am an alcoholic and a slut. That's funny since the last time I had sex was with my ex about a year ago, and I rarely drink. Oh well. I think what made me angry was that she locked me in the garage for about 20 minutes, and I didn't have a coat on. It was cold. She held my son hostage and wouldn't let me in. Pyscho.

I moved to Hayden though, and I have a nice roommate and cheap rent. When I get my tax returns I am buying another car and getting a place of my very own. YAY.

Work has been going really well. I didn't have daycare for two weeks so my hours were not so great, and neither was my pay. I have been struggeling with that, gr. But things are going better now, and I am getting happy. I actually think I have panic disorder now, so i have to get that checked out. wish me luck.....

And I am sick. crap. I feel like crap.
Comments: (1)


How did my life turn out this way!?
Date: Dec 20th, 2006 11:09:22 am - Subscribe
Mood: working


How did my life get so hectic!!!!! So I have had one thing after another happen the last few weeks. My son got sick, my daycares son got sick, then my daycare is unavailable for two weeks because she is going on vacation. So after all this is settled, I get sick this morning. Throwing up and dizzy. I had a bad reaction to an antibiotic! My mom gave me some random magic pill that made me feel better tounge.gif it was nice! I still have a headache, but I feel much better!
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Spokane baby in desperate need of bone marrow transplant
Date: Dec 18th, 2006 1:35:59 pm - Subscribe
Mood: healthy


SPOKANE, Wash. - A Spokane couple is hoping for a Christmas miracle. Their four-month old baby, Caden Atchley, is in critical need of a bone marrow transplant.



The baby is kept in a spotless hospital room in Seattle because any germ could put his life in danger. He suffers from Severe Immune Deficiency Syndrome. His mother said his immune system is so weak he wouldn't even be able to fight off a diaper rash let alone a cold.

Students at MEAD Alternative High School where Caden's father, Josh went to school are helping out - one penny at a time.

"Knowing a child is in need just touched my heart," said MEAD student Angel Wills. "It's a sad story, and Josh is such a great guy, so I wanted to help him and his family."

Josh works as a General Manager at Arby's. There, employees sell bracelets for $2, hoping they too can help Caden overcome the disease. Leanne Dechand has worked for the Atchley's for more than ten years.

"They have hope. They're going to find the right match, and if they can find a match, this child has a very good chance of having a normal life," said Dechand.

http://www.caringbridge.org/cb/inputSiteName.do?method=search&siteName=cadenatchley


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These last two weeks....
Date: Dec 18th, 2006 1:34:46 pm - Subscribe
Mood: frightened


So I have been absent from work for about two weeks and today is my first day back. It's odd. My son was sick and so I was staying home to take care of him. He kept getting worse so I kept taking him to he dr, but no one could tell me anything. Finally they said he had an ear infection. But he was still getting worse with symptoms that have nothing to do with an ear infection. I took him back for the third time and they finally found whats called RSV. Its a horrid respitory virus that was so bad he had to be hospitalized for four days. It was horrible seeing my little boy with tubes and oxygen sticking everywhere. They had to do breathing treatments in the hospital, which I also have to do at home every 4 hours. Although he is better now, and can finally go back to daycare, it is still traumatic for me. Every little cough or runny nose scares me. It was very lethel and I am officially a paranoid parent.

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WANTED
Date: Nov 29th, 2006 11:59:02 am - Subscribe
Mood: unsatisfied


Wanted::: A VERY good looking male around the age of 25. MUST have a reliable clean car, good job, not living with or off of any relative. Kids and pets are ok. Cannot be a smoker, heavy drinker, abuser, cheater, or illiterate. Should like to cuddle occasionaly and is physically active. On the subject of sex, he should be ok with wanting to wait until the time is right for ME.

I know what I just described does not exist...but this is what I want for christmas!
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You did what!?
Date: Nov 29th, 2006 11:26:25 am - Subscribe
Mood: blah


So Chris was supposed to take me to work this morning. I told him to be at my house at 730 am. at 733 he calls me to let me know that his truck overheated while it was warming up.....another lie from good ole' reliable Christopher. You can rely on him to be unreliable. Oh well, at least I made it to work, right?

I have a killer headache, and I cant get rid of it...bazaar.

Other than that, my day is going great. I slept in an hour more than usual, and I feel so much more rested than usual.

Last night I went on a cruise around the lake with Chris and Ryley. Chris had a fre ticket because he works at the resort, but my ticket was 13.75!!! And then I had a 4 dollar buttered rum. The cruise lasted a HALF HOUR!!!! And the lights weren't worth that kinda money. Hell, for 17 dollars I could have gone to walmart and bought my own lights and made my own house look pretty, and I could have seen that every day lol. Oh well. I met a cool person through Chris. He works with him and is so adorable!!! He is a marine and his GF of 2 years stood him up last night!! Horrible! We invited him to come over to Chris's afterwards because we knew had to be upset. Well in any case, I should probably go and do this thing called work hehe......

Signing out..
Jocelyn
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I hate mean people
Date: Nov 28th, 2006 11:18:25 am - Subscribe
Mood: frustrated


Why do people feel the need to put other people down and make themselves out to be the greatest thing ever???? Why do they feel the need to be hypocrites and snobs? I am currently describing my mother. She thinks she is so perfect and I am some horrible mother because I text message on my phone. She said I put him down to play on my phone (which i not the case) and that makes me a careless mom. GRRR I am so frustrated right now I cant even type...Ill be back in a bit
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SNOW SNOW SNOW
Date: Nov 27th, 2006 10:05:51 am - Subscribe
Mood: irritable


So if I hear one more person singing "let it snow let it snow let it snow" Im going to let my shoe slip up there rear! I hate snow. I want nice warm weather all the time, and I do NOT want to go to california to get it. GR. This morning I almost fell on my tush trying to get in the car. My hands were full and that would have hurt.

Today is a 0 star day (10 is a REALLY GOOD DAY....so I'll let you figure out where 0 stands).......
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The last three days
Date: Nov 26th, 2006 1:00:28 pm - Subscribe
Mood: jaded


So I have had three days off from work (thats why I have no blogs for those days grin.gif )and I must say, it made me very upset. I lost two friends in one day. One because we used to be roommates, and I still have some things there that i can't get a truck to get, and the second because I supposedly said some things that I never said. She sent me a text message saying that "shit got back to her and to not text or call her anymore". The second loss was more hurtful than the first. The first and I had mostly parted ways anyways.

I got a new phone though! Its a phone I swore I would never own because EVERYONE has one and I didn't like them that much. Its the light pink Razr from Verizon. I have actually grown to like it though. Has cool features and works way better than my last piece of junk.

As for Thanksgiving....it was actually a good day. Chris came over and spent the day with me and my mother, which went really well. Not as much tension as I thought there would be. After my mom's house, we went to his grandparents and had more pie. I love pie. His sister in law also had her baby and his dad was in the ER (at the same time, same hospital) for an almost heart attack. Cooky family, but can't help but love them....

That's all for now....
Jocelyn
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