It's quiet tonight. So much so, that the normal sounds of motorists and frequent dog-walkers has been replaced simply by the faint sounds of the fountain draining into the resevoir around the corner. It's a habitual occurance that I find myself walking past this inland sea, observing the artificial coloring of the water, itself, to better hide the litter that rests beneath. Yet, the creatures that inhabit this area seem to have no dispute over it, so I'm compelled to have a slight feeling of relief.
These past few months have been a complete rollercoaster of sentiment. Afflictive events have occured, and not so negative ones have, as well. And then I've reached points of unbroken bliss. I'm not sure if it's healthy, though.
In different aspects of my life, different things are materializing. But I'm unsure of how to attend to this. Is cessation of negativity such a wretched thing?.. Or is it more beneficial to actually face it?
I believe that everyone needs an escape sometimes. But is it possible to go too far? I can only imagine one turning their temporary retreat into a full reality. It seems believable enough that a distraction can last a lifetime. But then what? What good is truely living a lie? What contribution has that person made to society? What difference will they make to the future?
A scarcely detectable amount of my release still lingers in the glass on the desk here. Not to mention the clutter that will eventually remove itself, only to re-accumulate over the future weeks. Stray coins, a mess of papers..
One last swig.
Perhaps the most pondered thought in the human psyche is 'Why are we here?' or 'What is my purpose?'. It's obvious that the multitude before us were here to set examples, as we are to the future generations. But sometimes it seems impotent that we base our entire exsistance on tomorrow's world.
If we all die in the end anyway, why bother?
As time progresses, advancements are made in technology, business tactics, war tactics, medicine, and so on.. But also in basic human skills. We learn how to better treat our fellow bystanders, to achieve equality. While this is gratifying, again, the question comes up. For what?
How do you define a fulfilled life? One that will forever be remembered? Or could it be just one that made another's day, once? If you didn't strive to better the world before your life came to an end, does that mean it was a waste of time?
Though outside chance, I hope to know one day..
Though time is passing, and what used to be morning is now evening once again, my room seems oddly bright. Almost increasingly, as the minutes remaining in this day dwindle. Or perhaps it's my imagination.
Nevertheless, I'm overwhelmed today with a sense of fullness. Remarkably for the first time in a long time. And I'm valuing every second of it.
I've allowed someone new to enter my life, and I think it is good for me. It's good for me to rid myself of fear. I have not the energy to fight anymore. But he doesn't want that from me. Yet foreign, I can comfortably breathe a sigh of relief.