I keep doing it.
Over and over.
I keep doing it.
I keep frightening myself.
I keep letting myself become frightened.
I want to be fine today.
But I'm not.
I'm scared to death.
I'm ashamed, and subconsciously alone. Does that make sense?..
It's not out in the open. I feel secretive about it. But then again, I feel like everyone knows. Everyone's scoffing at me as they walk by.
I know it's just my imagination, though. For now, at least.
Please, God, help me. Just this once, and I'll have not another favor to ask of you. But I'm begging you, now. Just let me slide, this one time..
I can't even begin to handle this one.
For the past five days or so, I've been in the worst mood I've experinced in six months. But this morning is different.
I woke up at four, and reflected for a while.
I needed that.
I've been so scared lately. It's effected my work, and home life as well. I mope. I cry. I keep inconversable.
Since last night, and my new discovery, I feel worlds better, though. And I've reached a point of undying adoration for the one I let in for that short period of time. He was there with me, every step of the way, even when I truely expected him to leave.
With every possible bit of sentiment, I love him.
I told him I was afraid today. And I know it hurt him. But I was only trying to be open and honest. I haven't felt good lately.
The way he's been talking.. Acting. I don't want to be like the others. I don't want to have to say goodbye so soon. So simply. I tell myself that this means more to him than the others. But a part of me can't help but wonder what he wants out of this. I feel so horrible about thinking such things.. But again, I'm only being honest. These thoughts flood my mind today.
Today as I sat on the floor and cried, he was typing away on whatever game it was that he chose this time, from the selection on my desktop. I wondered if he heard me. For the longest time, he sat without a glace, or a word in my direction. Clicking. Typing.
I miss when everything was okay.. I miss when he would smile everyday. I miss when I could make him smile everyday. I miss when we didn't fight. I miss when we would spend all day just talking together. I miss how timid we were. I miss how much we wanted to make each other smile. I miss how he wouldn't take his eyes off of me for three seconds, when we were together.
I miss missing him.
We fought for a little while, and then made up. He fell asleep, and I laid beside him for the longest time. His cheek smooshed into the pillow, I touched my lips to his. He opened his eyes and smiled at me. And then everything felt right again. I missed him. I made him smile. He was watching me ever so intently.
Hope, once again.
I think we can fix this.