Arch Nemesis: Santa
Date: Nov 28th, 2006 7:33:57 pm - Subscribe
Mood: I love compound bows...
Christmas time is here again. For most of you it is the reminder of laughing and eating with family and friends, sharing gifts and singing merrily along with dusty Nat King Cole albums. But for me, Maximilion, Christmas means the ideal time of year to set up arms against my arch nemesis: Santa Clause.
Every year I put up with this seasonal stalker as he judges and condemns the children around the world. Handing out coal, rewarding toys to brat kids, Santa resides on quite the high reindeer. If he’s so powerful, why is he working at ‘Macey’s’? So this year I have taken the liberty of over stalking my shelves with a unique assortment of novelties for the obese turkey who dares to be smoked right out of my chimney.
The first novelty is a must, a compound brick launcher to which this season I will be replacing with snowballs. I have purchased several of these to ensure the safety of my property. The second is squirrel pudding for those mangy donkeys that can fly. Hopefully this will distract them while I ambush their fat frenzied friend. (Of course he’ll be frenzied when he’s blasted in the arse with snowballs). The third is peanut butter. Why?-you may ask. Mr. Clause happens to have an allergy to Peanuts. That’s why kids usually don’t find Peanut Butter snacks, Oh Henry’s and Reece’s Piece’s in their stockings. See, Hershey’s and Purdy’s chocolates feel the same way about Santa as I do. So I am going to simonize the smoke chamber with peanut butter- extra chunky. The next step is to have a camera on standby that is hooked up with trigger wire to catch this menacing creep in the act. I also purchased a copy of ‘The Sound of Music’ as Santa seems to fear that movie. (Hence no one ever finding that in their stocking). And then from there most of the plan involves duct tape, Vaseline, a katana, a black knight (that only comes to life at a full moon or Christmas), my mighty mouse costume and every food that has ever been converted to low fat/no fat (that’ll give him nightmares till next year). I’m sure there are some other things, but so far this I have intricately planned. I also have decided that I will watch all this from my underground secret lair from the security monitor with all the food that isn’t low fat/no fat and make loud crunching, slobbering sounds over the speakers placed carefully in the house. You do the math.
Stay tuned for further updates there’s plenty more to come.
Max-
also- I'll post my letter to Santa as well for liability reasons...
check out the 'to do list' for details
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