Do I love him?
I must ask myself this question one hundred million times a day. Morning, noon, and night he is in and out of my thoughts. Mostly they cause me pain; a deep, dull ache in my left chest where my heart should be. Can hearts shrivel up and die from a lack of love? If so I believe mine will be the first, because the one I fell in love with has turned his heart into a brick wall. He has turned himself off to the world, letting nothing in and nothing out. All my waves of love for him go crashing into the cold stone that has become his heart, flows around the sides and escapes into nothingness. I feel that I am getting nowhere and losing everything.
Is it worth it?
Another question I ask myself every day. True we have a rough relationship; he has a lot to deal with because his home life is shit. My being emotionally unsound does not help matters. I tend to over-react and make things worse than they really are. Make mountains out of mole hills, if you would. But we have lasted over two years despite all of this. Despite other things too. My failing trust in him. He has messed up in the past; cheated, lied, left me for another girl (Undesirable #1, more on her later), lied again, and broke a very big promise. That's not to say that I haven't messed up too; I have. Still I took him back with the high hopes that things would go back, hopefully, to the way they were. When we were happy and in love with each other.
But I'm beginning to feel the ball roll in a downward direction again, and apparently it's my fault. I try to fix whatever it is that I'm doing wrong, but he only becomes more angry and reclusive. I am about ready to throw my hands up; it's out of my grasp. I want to help him, but I don't know how. And I'll be damned if I'm going to lose him again. So I ask myself, is it all worth it? Should I give up? Is all the pain and anger and helplessness worth the few, fleeting moments of happiness?
God I hope so.
"Nothing you say matters anymore."
What do I say to that? I was struck dumb. My brain stopped working. I couldn't speak. I was hurt. But most of all, I was scared.
He's never said anything like that to me before. It was almost like he had said "Alright, I'm done trying. I don't care anymore."
This was last night, and I know he's still angry with me. He didn't sleep. He stayed up all night playing video games and trash talking me to my brother and his friend and his ex-girlfriend. And god knows who else.
I keep telling myself things will get better. I have the sinking feeling that they won't. They just will not.
I keep trying to do things to make him happy. I'm trying to fix the things I do wrong. Because I'm the one fucking up to the max. The Relationship Ruiner, that's me.
I don't defend myself to him anymore. There's no point. Whatever I say he makes wrong anyway. I let him scream and name-call and point out all of my flaws and tell me that I'm fucked up and not even a good person anymore.
I didn't even say anything when he told me I have no right to still be scared of men. That my fear is bullshit, because I didn't actually get raped. In fact, I apologized and said I would try harder next time.
I still didn't defend myself when he threw in my face that my friend committed suicide and said it was my fault. I cried silently in front of him, not uttering a thing.
I really don't know what to do anymore. I love him to death, but I feel like the more I try to make him happy, the more I mess up. I have this nagging feeling that he won't be pleased with me until I'm back to how I was when we first started dating.
Scared to death of making him angry and jumping to do everything he told me to, no questions asked. Having sex with him as many times as he wanted in one day. Spending every spare moment of every day that I could with him, pushing my other friends away.
I don't have a social life anymore, and I did it for him. Because he couldn't take it. He's too paranoid for me to be out with other people, because he doesn't know what I'm doing, and his mind runs wild. So I stopped going out with friends. And on the rare occassion that I do, he wants to go.
I "went out" last night. To the barn. To ride my horse. Which would have been fine, except I was also going down to hang out with one of my riding instructors children. Who happens to be male.
I don't think he trusts me very much, if at all. He says he does. I'm not sure that I believe him. I want to.
Honestly, all-in-all, I'm just getting plain tired of not feeling good enough for him. He plainly thinks I'm an idiot, and yet he sticks around. I can't do anything without feeling like I'm on a timer. He makes me feel guilty for wanting to do things away from him. Or that don't involve him. Or that don't revolve around him, for that matter.
I love him so much, but I'm starting to lose faith that our relationship can be salvaged. I've stayed with him this long against some of my better judement.
Maybe it's time to let go.
Apparently, I'm skinny as all hell.
I've never seen it, except perhaps in my 7th grade year, when I could fit into a size 0 jeans without even trying. But back then I tried not to look at myself in the mirror, so that image is really just a blur in my mind.
My friends tell me all the time that I need to eat more, they're worried for me. I hate food. It sticks in my throat and makes me ill when I swallow it. I weigh about 118 lbs, and I'm disgusted by myself. Back in the beginning of July I weighed 110 lbs. At the end of that month I left for Australia for three weeks, and came back at 116.5 lbs. I nearly cried.
After that I went up to 120 lbs. I've never weighed that much in my life and it made me severly depressed. To me, for my own body, anything over 115 is fat. So weighing in at 118 lbs is unacceptable.
My friends tell me I'm wrong. That I look like a stick. I don't feel like a stick. Everywhere I look on my body I see fat that needs to go. Neck, arms, belly, thighs, butt. Gross, jiggling masses of flab.
My friend Kitty is the closest match to me in weight. And she weighs 120-something. Most of my friends can't even get my jeans up over their thighs; in fact, some have tried and gotten stuck.
I only eat because I have to, unfortunately, to live. That and I'm watched like a hawk everytime I enter the kitchen.
This morning my father plunked a yogurt container down infront of me and gave me "the look". The one that means I'm eating whether I like it or not. And believe me, I really don't like it.
I barely even drink anything either, because anything I put in my stomach makes me feel heavy, and heavyness registers and fat in my brain.
Buying clothes has become a chore. If it's too tight, I must be too fat to fit into it. Too big, and the baggy fabric makes me feel enormous.
And when I do eat, it can never be Ramen noodles. Which is my fault entirely. I was eating Ramen on day and watching some show on the Discovery Channel. It was about parasites, and at the moment they narrator was describing tapeworms. Nasty little vermin, tapeworms.
Anyway, I had just swallowed a bite of noodles when I made the casual observation to myself that Ramen noodles look an aweful lot like tapeworms if you squit your eyes a bit.
My stomach flip-flopped. I ran into the bathroom and retched into the toilet. I felt gross. I stared at all the little tapeworm noodles now floating in my toilet. There was a lot. Maybe half a bowls worth.
I started to feel queezy at the thought of having eaten that much. I was losing my self control, and I didn't like it.
I don't think I've eaten more that half a meal at one time since, unless I was with someone. In which case I have to, otherwise they get suspicious.
Thinking about my weight for this long has mad me depressed. I just came back from lunch with my father and three co-workers and I feel disgusting.
Hopefully none of them noticed that I did little more than pick at my food and move it around on my plate so it looks like I ate something.
110 lbs is my goal weight for now. I'll get there eventually.
He's kind, thoughtful, fun, quirky, gentle, easy-going, cute, and a really fabulous kisser.
He is also most definately not my boyfriend.
Yes, I cheated. Don't go off on me about how I'm a terrible person, and how could I?
I know already. I've known for a while and I don't need you to tell me, thanks.
Maybe I wouldn't have done it if I wasn't so unhappy. That's an awful excuse, but I'm not trying to make excuses for myself. I'm fucked and I openly admit it.
But you have to understand. I love my boyfriend. I love him with all of my heart. But for the past three months everything I do, everything I say, I utterly and completely wrong.
I offer to take him somewhere, he gets angry because he doesn't want to go there. I tell him I'll listen if he needs someone to talk to, he gets pissed and tells me I'm no help.
"Sure, I can give you a ride. Could you please not take too long getting ready though? I still need to drive to the mall."
"Whatever. Just forget it then. You're being selfish."
I think you get the point.
I can't even apologize for making him angry. He gets more angry and accuses me of not meaning it.
So before you start thinking of how much of a bitch I am, you try being constantly wrong and feeling not good enough and like a totally worthless piece of shit for months on end. And to have it caused by the one person who is suposed to love you unconditionally.
Maybe then you'll understand why I would reach out for the person who can make me give a genuine smile for once. That can make me laugh without also insulting me.
And that can tell me I'm beautiful (something he knows I think I'm far from, but tells me anyway) without also telling me that I need to lose some weight.
He takes me for who I am and doesn't try to improve upon it. I'm grateful for it; I haven't felt good enough for anybody in a long time.
When he holds me I can tell his thoughts are with me, in that moment. It's a pleasant feeling. I've grown so used to embraces feeling cold and distant that at times I don't know how to act.
His kisses leave me breathless.
I'm not niave, I know that right now it's mere infatuation that's making me feel so strongly for him.
I don't know what his feelings are on all of this, but for right now we're both willing to just let it ride.
And pray that our significant others don't become the wiser.
Because he has a girlfriend, too.