Early morning musing.
Date: Mar 11th, 2008 6:27:57 am - Subscribe
I've been sleeping all day and staying up all night.
I'm beginning to feel like a vampire, though as hard as I try to get myself back on a normal sleeping schedule, the more I fail at it.
I've also become increasingly paranoid about.. well, everything. Mostly about trusting B., but that's nothing new.
What is new, however, is the constant fear of getting in a wreck while driving me car. Every time I go through a light or make a turn, even though I'm overly cautious, I envision a car or truck of some sort screaming towards me from the side.
It's gotten to the point where I can see the other vehicle in detail in my head, and physically feel the impact of when in hits. I can't see the driver though; the front windsheild is always blacked out. At one point when I had one of these.. visions, I guess, I actually stomped on the brakes and nearly got rear-ended.
In some of my lower moments, I've fantasized of driving my car head first into a tree, or purposefuly going into a skid and fishingtailing so I'll hit the tree from the side. Again, I can see the tree in detail and feel the impact of when I "hit".
I have some theories as to why I've started doing these things, but they all boil down to the same point.
There is something wrong with me, and I need help.
I hate my father.
Date: Mar 2nd, 2008 12:28:55 am - Subscribe
He took away my car.
No big deal, I guess.
But he also, while screaming and cursing at me, told me I'm a selfish fucking bitch who either needs to shape the fuck up, or pack my shit and leave.
Basically, he thinks I'm a horrible daughter.
He then continued on downstairs and started screaming at my mother. I won't type out what he said to her. One, because it upset me a hell of a lot more than what he had just said to me. And, two, because it's much to painful to think about.
I hate my father. I don't want to live here anymore.
All hail the heartbreaker.
Date: Mar 1st, 2008 12:38:49 am - Subscribe
Thoughts: Be safe. Love, Edward.
Murmured words, whispered sleepily in the middle of the night have resulted in this.
B. and I are back together.
It may not be right.
My friends and family are going to hate me.
And I know I'm just setting myself up for more heartbreak...
But for the past 24 hours, I have been completely and unquestionablely happy.
And that, my friends, speaks for itself.
Though for how long, I cannot begin to imagine...
Like a needle in a haystack.
Date: Feb 27th, 2008 12:15:11 am - Subscribe
Thoughts: tunnel vision
A. is gone. I'd praise god if I believed in him.
Things have been a bit better. Now I only hurt from the past. For the most part.
I'm convinced B. will mess up again. And when he does, I don't know how I can ask myself to do this all over again.
Of course, I've been saying that from the first time. I can't believe anything I say anymore.
I find something amusing. A. called me a whore. That made me laugh. Hard. I'm sorry, but I haven't been with 16 different guys. And at least I didn't have to rape B. to get him to sleep with me.
Something else I have found amusing.
A multitude of boys have been IMing me, saying they found my Myspace and got my screen name from there.
Apparently, I'm beautiful. ...please.
I'm not niave enough to believe that they want anything more than to meet up for a quick fuck, and I have way more self respect than to do something like that.
Besides, despite how shitty it is right now, I like my life and I would like to continue to live, not be one of those poor girls you hear about on teevee. The ones who go to meet up with an internet boyfriend... and never come back.
That is all. You may move on with your lives.
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