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...how life can take a turn? i'm dating Benny, finally after months...almost a year. i feel like a horrible person though. its just wrong, and sad at the same time. i just feel like i'm stretched to my limits right now. i'm getting a cold, and i don't know how to act around Ben. its sad and strange and weird. J. |
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so saturday i went out to dinner with Benny and his dad, and his dad's girlfriend, and her daughter, Annie. that was traumatic in itself, but apparently his dad think "i'm gold" sunday i worked all fricken day in grill, and it sucked ass so hard core. then i went home and watched the vikings almost win, but then they got an interception and we missed our slim chance to win the first game of the season...buggering tampa bay defense... my mom and i are in a funk again. oh well, somethings never change. and its so fricken hot in duluth...seriously, its fall....for me at least...lets have some fall weather. then i decided that i needed a change, albeit a small one it is but still...i changed my purse. its smaller and fits better in my backpack and i love it because my aunt got it for me in guatemala. and it has a tortuga on it. i don't care if i used spanish. i love spanish. so there. lol anyway, love you guys, and i miss you too! Jes. |
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things have got to change. but they seem to be constant. constant in sorrow, in tears, in anger, in not belonging. i'm not sure what to do anymore, or who to turn to. the person who i talk to the most wants something that i can't give them, and it saddens me that i don't have the courage to tell them. i have to drive to through the cities by myself on friday or thursday night, either way, its scary and no one will be there to help me through it. because i'm alone. i'm an island. |
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the news just keeps on coming. the drowning feeling is back, something i can't control...the feeling that the world is collapsing on you, pressing down on your chest, slowly sucking the life out of you. i was told that it wasn't working out between us, and she told me i needed to leave. she wasn't kicking me out, but apparently i have issues...it makes me sound insane. i'm not insane, just hurt, and scared, and overwhelmed, and well, overworked. out of touch. i've been listening to old favorites. damien rice, sondre lerche, badly drawn boy, all artists from across the pond...maybe its a sign, i should just go, pick up all of my roots and transplant...there's nothing for me here anymore, everythings changed. i sit and cry everyday wondering what went wrong, then i get up and dry my tears and move on to class, and i put on my front, to let the world know i'm ok, but i'm not. do you see past the veil i hide behind? i feel myself opening up and being more receptive, but will it make a difference for where i want to go? i'm a lost sheep. |