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I had a blog on blog-city.com but I have grown tired of having that although it has become massively important to me. The blog was mostly about this guy that I have feelings for and how he would never develop those types of feelings for me. Rejection can kick your ass. Nevertheless I am in the process of deleting that but I just haven't had the time or the focus. I am officially in debt again. My checking account is overdrawn. I don't have a job but supposedly I am starting one tomorrow. No one calls my cell phone unless they want something and guys just aren't interested. My life is fucked up. |
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My mother is disappointed in me again. Doesn't take much. I do something, she inquires about it, I get defensive, and she gets upset. Basically I inherited my father's and mother's worst traits. I am self loathing and cold like my mother. And I'm a foul-mouthed, selfish fuck-up like my father. I thought that if I came home tonight everything would make sense and I wouldn't feel like such a loser. However, tonight did not go as planned. In fact, I feel worse than when I left GMU to come here. My mother is never happy with anything that I do and neither am I. But I can ignore my mess ups. It just dawns on me that I don't belong anywhere and no one really loves me, faults and all. I am just the girl that can't get it together. I wish I belonged somewhere. I thought that Dusty was the one person I could love and accept and he would do the same. But I am nothing to him. Just a way to pass the time till something better comes along. I thought I had found my close to center and was wrong so I thought I could always go home when I got confused but that isn't the case either. I have nothing left to keep me sane. So now what?! |
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I'm prepping myself for bed because I have work at 8:30 in the morning and then I have a presentation to give in my Comm303 class. Last night I went to the MSI concert with Dusty and Mike. It was a lot of fun and I woke up sore as hell this morning but it was worth it. I also woke up lightheaded but that had nothing to do with last night's debacle. I haven't feeling well for awhile especially emotionally. I hung out with Teresa today and caught up on some work for my classes. Then I went to Warrenton to visit my mother. She keeps asking what I'm going to do to make myself happy but I don't know the answer. All I know is that what I am doing now isn't satisfying at all...even my friendships lack something. A large part of me wants to go into hiding but I know what that will lead to. I just don't think anyone would care either way. oh well.. I better get to bed. I have this weekend off and I am looking forward to the rest and relaxation. I must admit it would be nice to be someone's girl. I miss that a lot.
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