|it has been such a while since I have posted here. i am now in college and have a boyfriend and wishing i had more money than what my job gives me. seriously. this is my complaining booth, so you guys have to take it. i don't have time to complain anymore. my life's over. first sex: aug 17. first kiss? who knows? first date: may 8. the day before my old best friends birthday. not anymore tho. bie!|
|i've been so busy, i'm getting all my college stuff done, but i've not had time for my boyfriend, not that we'd be able to do anything together if i did, but yeah. his mom's a total bitch, and i could so lay the smackdown on her if i like wrestling in the tiniest little bit, but i don't. not wwe anyways, high school, i like that wrestling just fine. very fine, in fact. oh yeah. jk. anyways, i guess i'll get back later, idk ireally just don't know right now. i'm not gonna sleep tonight, either. didn't sleep last night, won't be sleepin tonight. no reason to, i've got things to do that i'm not going to do, cause i'm too tired to do them, cause i can't sleep. bie.|
I am going to beg for Master to take this belt away. It has begun to impede my serving. Masters have grumbled and others turned me away or such because I wear it.
I was told tonight to kneel in tower because I had it on and the Master seemed miffed at me the rest of the serve, sending me away afterwards and saying not to speak to him again that evening.
So I will beg for it to be off, that is if I can get him to be still long enough to ask him.
I had thought when moving into the house that everyone would see each other more but nothing has changed, if anything it is slightly worse because we are more spread out than at the Inn.
I will try to track him down tomorrow, maybe kamya will know his schedule. Of course assuming I get her to be still long enough to tell me.
Tonight I saw the Mistress for a brief ihn. She asked me if I knew how to dance. I told her my training had been about to begin before we moved and that maybe now we were settled Master would allow it to begin again.
He did mention something along those lines the other night but I do not want to assume. It has gotten me into trouble in the past.
The Mistress said something about having the lack of willingness to strive. She also said it was terrible to have spirit lost and sounded as if someone had perished.
I am not sure what she means but obviously she has never had the kiss of the kurt when assuming to know what Master wants or wishes.
It does bring up the question again on how you can be spirited yet obedient? My spirit that Master claims is missing was derived from my need to escape. Does he wish me to continue wanting to escape? I have accepted I am here to stay, the collar is my place and yet he does not like this?
It is so confusing. How does kamya and runner just flit about glad to accept such as if there is nothing to it?
Am I the only one with such questions? The only one that feels lost?
Tonight kamya and I actually had a few minutes of civil conversation. We were unpacking in the kitchen and she asked me about my running.
She asked what I thought about which I answered honestly...nothing.
She asked why nothing to which I answered because it cleared my mind.
The conversation did get me thinking though about why I run. I have gotten to the point where I run two or three times a day given the chore load.
It has become an escape.
The only nuisance is the belt I wear. It is not horribly uncomfortable when running but not wonderful either. I hate taking it off because I feel like I am doing something wrong when I do. I feel bad enough when I have to take it off to handle mother nature, or to take a bath. I always make sure my handler can see me at all times, except for the two ihns to go, so that not one word can be uttered about me taking it off for any other reason.
He challenged kamya and I to get compliments at the Inn. I have been avoiding it abit merely because all seem to have their own slave now so I am rarely called to serve.
I dunno, I just feel abit...lost. Maybe I will go run again after putting my journal on his desk.
I was caught reading a book about dances...
He wants me to give an example.
I came upon a group when I was running tonight. I stayed and served. I actually enjoyed it for the most part. It does hurt sometimes to watch tiva with her owner but I will get used to it.
The one Master did not remember me until I mentioned the nickname lightweight from when he threw me in the thassa a hand or so ago. He laughed and said "Ohh now I remember you!" and offered me a shrimp. That killed the mood. I had to apologetically refuse telling about his command with food.
Why is he punishing me with this? Kamya and Runner get to bebop around like nothing and everything is fine but I get punished for naught!!
It was easier to be hungry on the streets because you could get away from the smell of food but here food is everywhere! I have become soft in my need for a consistent meal pattern and so I am hungry again.
And has he been here today? No! Trust me, he says. Hmmph!
I spoke with him today and he did not punish me more for my question mistake. I told him I have learned the lesson.
I got fed as well. I hope it is enough to last awhile the new baby seems to add more to his busy schedule.
I had a ehn of excitement snatched out from under me tonight. The Master who owns candi gave me the wood carving he dropped on the beach. Of course I must ask him, if I can keep it but just the idea of a gift was fun.
At least it was fun until he asked me if I knew how to dance. I answered no. I guess now that I truly think on it that is a lie. I was being taught to dance before we left Port Kar but I haven't turned or twirled since then so I am sure I have forgotten everything taught.
Kamya is the dancer, not me. I have no reason to dance. No music to hear.
I am hungry.
I thought these days were over. I have been obeying and not picking fights but still I am hungry.
I even was pleasing to the Master with whom I got in trouble with the other night. It filled me with joy to "redeem" myself.
I still haven't been punished for getting in trouble but I haven't seen Him in a day either, and I am hungry.
I had to serve to platters of food and now am watching akina eat her breakfast, ugh!
Oh I got called to serve...hold on.
Babies...this down is almost "infested" with babies. The Mistress I just served had one. It must be something in the water.
No matter though...I am still hungry.
I almost forgot to mention the one bit of interesting that happened in the midst of my trouble.
The Master who's joining I was privileged to see, came to the beach and sat among the group. That is not interesting no but when he left he dropped a wooden carving near me.
It is beautiful, round with the lar torvis carved in it. I am almost sad to take it back to him but I know I must return what he lost.
He and his companion have been nice to me so far so I must remember to not ask any questions in the future to keep him so.
We have been in Schendi for quite some time now.
For the most part I have enjoyed it. It is a new experience from Kar. The people, free and slave have all been nice...well most so far.
I have even been swimming in the Thassa with help from one Master throwing me in a few times. That night was great...I laughed! Something I have not done in while.
I do not see much of Him. He is busy as usual I guess and he has a new companion who just had a baby. He got the girl he wanted. I find it strange a slaver would want a girl for a child. Will he not start seeing her as a possible coin maker when she is older? Is that not ingrained in him?
He once again confuses me. I do not fight and obey yet this does not please him. I do not get to see him much and wanted to better understand this so I made the mistake of asking another Master.
I will never ask another question again when it comes to such things! I vow it here and now! Asking questions has only ever gotten me in trouble. It does not get me answers, it only serves me riddles. So they are useless and trouble.
I have to tell him about what happened per the Master's orders. So here comes more trouble...
|For now. For now I activate, seemingly captivated in the newness of my own being. Good night.|
|I broke up with Curtis. We kind of just decided we weren't happy, mostly his fault, if you catch my drift, so it ended like it began, as a "mutual agreement."|
|So I have eight pennies on my desk. Got it saving up for....stuff.|
|So my boyfriend's being a jerk. He loves me, he says, he just doesn't want to be around me, because he doesn't like to be around anyone, and he doesn't kiss or hold me or anything because he said it's pointless, and I asked him if sex was pointless, too. He said, no, because that's pleasurable, and I said, well, kissing's pleasureable for me, it makes me happy, and if you do nothing that make me happy, why should I do anything that makes you happy? And he said, so, I've got other places to go for that, I know which parties to go to. So we're fighting right now, and I don't know I guess I'm not really going to break up with him because I'm just going to tell him that he needs to start acting like my boyfriend, or he's not gonna be my boyfriend. He needs to be my friend and take care of me, and all he does is sit at home, never comes over, never does anything with me when I go over there, finally, because he won't come and see me, so I've gotta go. Bie! :0/|
I thought I could spend two hours with my boyfriend before he left for a week, but he blew me off last night. I asked him to come over again, the last day before he left, I get a movie both nights rented, and paid for, by me, and he blew me off again. He said he'd be there for sure the second day. Now it's 2 in the morning, and I stopped waiting too late. Not now, a long time ago. He's done this before. It's a good way to lose someone.
I haven't been this angry since he was caught drinking in school. I might have to kill him. It's a joke.
|My radio is going off with one of those eeeeeeeeeeeeeh. This has been a test of the emergency alert system. Yeah. Bie! :0D|
|I shopeed my hair up, got ahold of some scissors and did away with over half of it. I've gotten it cut 3 times in the past month, one by my mom, and the other two were me. It looks a lot better, though, trust me. Bie! :0D|
|I want to start cutting again. My mom's impossible. I started seeing a psychiatrist, and now everything's screwed.|
|My boyfriend and I were going to spend the evening together tonight. He promised to come. He never came.|