kayjay's Aeonity Blog Friend Page

My Friends: magicsaid, emorimmed, xpritykity, xstarx, perfect110, duckie_x0, daatreyu, emogirlie, xhardcorex, lana
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perfect110 Over two years ago... - Subscribe

It has almost been two years since I have written in here. Amazing how much has changed. I doubt there is hardly anyone left that remembers me.

In the past two years I have found freedom (if that exists) from my eating disorder. Am a lot more happy and content with life. I also moved out of my house (twice), first to go a treatment type center and secondly to move out for good into an apartment. I have gotten back into church. Been dumped by two boyfriends. Made a bunch of amazing friends and then lost them all.

I suppose that is why I am writing in here now. I am so incredibly lonely. My heart longs for human interaction. I want to be accepted and liked and loved for who I am. I want people to leave comments on my facebook and e-mail me! I want people to call me. I want to matter. I want... to be noticed.

Right now I am fighting not to run back to what was my coping mechanism for six years. I know why I want to do it but that doesn't help. I want to do it because I am stressed about finals next week, I am lonely, I am depressed, and I am angry but I don't know what to do about it except run and eat everything I can and then vomit into the toilet for an hour. I am feeling out of control. I am feeling rejected. I am feeling like the life I have serves no purpose at all. I could easily be replaced.

I have not had these feelings for over a year, and yet here they all come- rushing back in. Will I ever truly be over this? Am I just going to use my whole life fighting with food and my emotions? I want to a be a photographer but so what- there are thousands of amazing photographers.

Maybe I am just having a depressed week.
perfect~

3 Comments
Mood: agitated

emogirlie My Dreams Are Coming True. Oct 4th, 2008 12:26:56 am - Subscribe

So... I used to blog on here all the time... a long time ago. Some of you may remember me. I was pretty depressing... complaining a lot and such. Telling disgusting and dirty secrets...

I got rid of all my blogs because I'm over that part of my life. Anyway, I did blog about how I was going to publish a book one day. Well, I'm doing it. A publishing company accepted me. The book's going to be out in ebook, audiobook, paperback, and maybe hardcover by next summer. I'm psyched. But... I knew it would happen. If you want something THAT bad... eventually it'll happen.

Things have been going so well for me. I'm just radiating light and love and joy.

Read The Power of Now. It helped me A LOT... with life in general. It'll help you too... even if you "don't need help..."

That's all. Just randomly felt like coming back here. Every once and a while it is nice to return to the past.

1 Comments
Mood: A little buzzed. :O

emogirlie The Bitch Posse May 27th, 2008 2:29:21 pm - Subscribe

Hey! I just read The Bitch Posse. It was the best read I've had in a long time!! Go out and read it today! SOOO GOOD! Here's the synopsis:

These are the confessions of the Bitch Posse. Cherry, Rennie, and Amy were outcasts, rebels, and dreamers. And their friendship was so all-encompassing that some would call it dangerous. This is the story of three women — as seniors in high school and as women in their mid-thirties — who formed a bond in order to survive the pitfalls and perils of their lives.
In the present day, one of them is a wife and mother-to-be, trying to live a "normal" life. One of them is a writer who engages in a number of self-destructive relationships. And one of them is in a mental hospital — and has been ever since that one fateful night fifteen years ago, when a heart-wrenching betrayal and the unraveling of relationships led them to a point of no return, where their actions triggered unimaginable consequences. These secrets have torn them apart while inextricably binding them to one another. What happened to them? And can they survive their shared history, even today?

The Bitch Posse is an anthem for friendships that defy society's approval or disapproval. It's a novel of secrets, courage, sacrifice, and hope against the odds. It is both a journey back to being a girl on the verge of adulthood, and a journey forward, showing how the events of our past can unearth the best in us today.

Dare to jump in.

1 Comments
Mood: whatever

daatreyu Omg. I HATE my family! Mar 8th, 2007 4:25:08 pm - Subscribe

Okay, so a long long while ago, my dad baught some cuccumbers at the market. They were bad cuccumbers. I said something about it. I said dad needed to inspect the veggies before he buys them. My mom got pissed off at me and said I wasn't thankful for anything my dad does for me, and I'm all like, "What the fuck?! I'm very thankful for everything dad does for me!" And we had this big fight.

Anyway. Xenimus, and online game, worked fine on my mom's computer.
My dad messed with my mom's computer to try to make it work faster.
Suddenly Xen doesn't work right, the screen is completely black. I say I think it's Dad's fault because HE messed with the computer.
Makes sense, doesn't it?! Well, Daniel get's pissed off because I'm blaming Dad. He says I'm not thankful for anything Dad does for me. I said something about if anything's blamed on dad everyone has a heart attack, and Daniel comes running at me. I thought he was going to hit me. He stopped right above me and yelled at me. Daniel hits me all the time, not with his full strength, and it hurts. I was afraid that he was going to hit me with his full strength, and that scared me.

I am thankful, and I say thankyou every time dad does something for me. Why the fuck they think I'm not thankful is beyond me.

Maybe me blaming Dad for things that -are- his fault means I'm not thankful?

Bullshit.

If I say anything's Dad's fault, everyone gets pissed off. Yeah, Dad has high blood pressure and his hard of hearing. Yeah, he's not the healthiest person, but that doesn't mean everything he does is perfect. My family needs to learn that just because dad has health problems doesn't mean nothing's to be blamed on him.

Okay. What do I blame Xen not working right on?

Oh! How about this! Let's blame my dog. Yeah. Or lets just blame me. I'm the only one that stuff is allowed to be blamed on anyway.

4 Comments
Mood: Fuck you, and your damn dog!
: ....-.-

daatreyu OMG! I'm posting! Can you believe it! Mar 1st, 2007 2:54:27 am - Subscribe

Haha! It's been 2 years! since I've posted.

My life is good now.

I see a therapist once a week, in fact I'm going to be seeing her during lunch tomorrow... er... today. oO; Thursday~ March 1st.

8] My brother left for college, and my other brother came back from college, cause he failed out. x] Now he's going to a community college instead.

Erm... yeah!

Maybe... I'll post more later... 8D

1 Comments
Mood: ignorant
: o.O

xstarx quiz May 23rd, 2006 5:00:20 pm - Subscribe

TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey
Name: heidi
Birthday: 31 march
Birthplace: Leicester
Current Location: Leicester
Eye Color: Blue (amazing blue)
Hair Color: blonde (au naturele(
Height: 5"1
Right Handed or Left Handed: Right
Your Heritage: english/irish
The Shoes You Wore Today: black converse... the old uns!
Your Weakness: wayne
Your Fears: fish and fire
Your Perfect Pizza: hmm... tough one
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year: to stay as happy as i can!
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger: hehe :p
Thoughts First Waking Up: wheres my wayney?
Your Best Physical Feature: N/A
Your Bedtime: when wayne stops txtn me...
Your Most Missed Memory: daddy
Pepsi or Coke: cherry coke
MacDonalds or Burger King: Macydees
Single or Group Dates: singles (sorry baby... i prefer just you and i)
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Nestea all the way
Chocolate or Vanilla: Chocolate
Cappuccino or Coffee: Cappuccino
Do you Smoke: nope!
Do you Swear: way too much
Do you Sing: way too much...
Do you Shower Daily: Of course
Have you Been in Love: right now
Do you want to go to College: Yup
Do you want to get Married: Yup
Do you belive in yourself: nope
Do you get Motion Sickness: sometimes
Do you think you are Attractive:nope
Are you a Health Freak: nope
Do you get along with your Parents: HA you having a laugh...?
Do you like Thunderstorms: depends what mood im in
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol: guilty
In the past month have you been on Drugs: No way
In the past month have you gone on a Date: what constitutes as a date...
In the past month have you gone to a Mall: Is that a shopping centre? If so yes
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos: nope, what about an oreo cookie surprise? still no...
In the past month have you eaten Sushi: yuck
In the past month have you been on Stage: dunno
In the past month have you been Dumped: no
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping: in the shower... and bath... with prying eyes...
In the past month have you Stolen Anything: no
Ever been Drunk:yes...
Ever been called a Tease: i guess..

Ever been Beaten up: yea...
Ever Shoplifted: i already said twice i don't steal!
How do you want to Die: quietly, if not, making as much noise possible
What do you want to be when you Grow Up: an artist
What country would you most like to Visit: iceland
In a Boy/Girl..
Favourite Eye Color: blue
Favourite Hair Color: blonde/fair or really dark
Short or Long Hair: whatever really
Height: tall
Weight: something to hold on to please
Best Clothing Style: whatever, not uber chav... comfortable with themself
Number of Drugs I have taken: None
Number of CDs I own: too many
Number of Tattoos: nah
Number of things in my Past I Regret: don't start

0 Comments
Mood: indecisive

xstarx i guess that went well... May 23rd, 2006 12:16:54 pm - Subscribe

so today i had my first AS exam! it was english!
we had 3 exams, one on the poems we studied, on on the texts we studied and one on the two novels we studied.
the poem one was bollocks... couldn't do that one, really not confident about that! then the second one went better, i just wrote about aptonyms and use of words... i hope it was okay...
then the novel one seemed to go well i guess! i had plenty to write about which is always a good thing, i did the plan, spent about 20 mins on that, and i needed the extra 10 mins i gained from only spending 20 on the plan lol!
but i think it was okay

i hope...

psychology is on thursday and im dreading that, tmra i will just cram big time! get as much done as i can lol

hehe i miss wayne...

and its that cheeky little feeling too... the blushing one... not the needy, moany one

hehe how i love him

0 Comments
Mood: overstimulated
: something corporate

xstarx MRS FUCKING TIT HEAD May 22nd, 2006 6:24:47 am - Subscribe

its lisa here... wtf!!! to me you are mrs chatterson
i hate that whore

come into school to NUMBER PIECES OF PAPER! just incase the examiner is a dumb shit... IF HE IS AN EXAMINER... HE ISN'T GOING TO BE STUPID IS HE?

i am in such a state now!

why does she have to be so idiotic

i think i want to kill her!

0 Comments
Mood: pissed off to high heaven
: dance dance - fall out boy

xstarx reflection... May 21st, 2006 4:34:53 pm - Subscribe

well im just home from waynes house! was cool!
last night we ordered an indian in, because elaine and rob were over, that was really nice.

wayne was really good to me last night, he snuggled up to me, kissed me in loads of places, he was really making an effort. i hope he knows i do appreciate it

then we stayed up talking for ages, and his mommy told us off hehe. that hasn't happened in ages! lol!

then that night, i had some really bad dreams, except i only remember 1 of 3. i know i had three but i don't know what they were about... it was weird. but in the morning i was in such a mess... i was all jittery, but wayne looked after me, kissed and cuddled me, stroked my hair. he really helped me.

then before i went, we had an argument, i know he is right, and i told him, which was really hard... it felt horrible

well, i hope things are okay now...? i really want to make things work, but he has to help me and be patient and work WITH me...
i don't think he understands what it feels like to be constantly criticised... about everything...
but enough about that, i know what i have to try and do, and i will try hard! lol

my head is POUNDING, i felt like i had an awesome nights sleep last night, turns out i hadn't because of these dreams

so im pretty tired

night all x

0 Comments
Mood: wounded
: blink 182... strange :S

xstarx weather sucks... May 20th, 2006 5:49:08 am - Subscribe

*yawn* just gotten up, come downstairs to see if trouble was online, he wasn't, but his brother was... lol
blimey its cold down here! id go back and snuggle up in bed if mr would only tell me the plan for today!

lol i don't know if im seeing him or not, it would be really strange not to... i would like to see him!

its 11:30, hes gotta be awake... hmm

well i think my best bet is to go hop in the shower, get myself all pretty (if i can) and just sit and wait for the monster to txt me or call me! silly moo if he doesn't txt back by 12:15 i shall have to call him, which i don't want to do!

i hate asking him to do somehting then having to do it myself! meh
nevermind

weather is shit today, its cold, merky looking, dull, ooh and as i speak it has just pelted it down with rain! yipee...

moms out all day, till late, i was hoping that might pursuade wayne to come over... i know how much he hates her...
i like how he sticks up for me though, yesterday she practically trashed my room, i told him and it seemed like he flipped... :s

That is one of the things i like in men though, someone who will be on my side, someone who looks after me, strong. wayne is all of those things, he makes me feel so safe, i love him

i had the weirdest dream last night...
it was like a music festival, but it was footballl... there was music playing throughout and it was all the world cup teams, and arsenal, oh and leicester. i remember seeing england, france and the ukraine. I met Theirry Henry (ABSOLUTE GOD) and some of the england squad too..
then when the ukraine played... it was a circus act... with a football... :s but Shevchenko, he gave me a load of leaflets, and i fainted, i treasured them. then after, he ccame out and started talking to me, and he kissed me (just a little peck) and i was just like... wow... wayne was really happy for me though, which was cool. Shevchenko is possibly THE most gorgeous footballer in the world! ooh and the ukrane had loads of pyrotechnics everywhere, and some of them were breathing fire... :s it was really weird... ooh and i met steven gerrard, he was playing for england in his liverpool strip... it was odd

1 Comments
Mood: insane
: incubus, all their albums on shuffle

xstarx tee hee May 19th, 2006 1:35:29 pm - Subscribe

ahh im so sickly aren't i! fuck it, i don't care! im in love and i don't care who knows it! infact, i want everyone to know it! aaah!

0 Comments
Mood: dandy
: annoying sales reps who are treating me like a 3 year old

xstarx IM BACK! :P May 19th, 2006 1:23:04 pm - Subscribe

hey folks! xstarx is back! hehe! its been a while! wonder who still blogs round here now?

well i can safely say how much i have grown since the last time i blogged on here, must have been just before christmas, i remember blogging about wayne inviting me over on christmas day. that didn't turn out but christmas was awesome anyway. he got me a nano for christmas, amazing huh! and for my birthday, he bought me the most beautiful ring hehe. lol how random... what else has been going on in the life of star?

well ive finished year 12! its gone so fast! things with wayne are back to normal, it seems we have gotten over our storm cloud which is awesome! im back in the butterfly stage, i love it! hehe! i love him! hehe well in a week, we will have been together for 8 months! amazing huh! its been awesome!

i have my first AS exam on tuesday, its english, meh i can't be arsed anymore! nevermind, i have to do it if i want to achieve anything lol!

Well, im back, hopefully for good, i think i will have some time on my hands now hehe

well im off to do some editing to this baby! hehe

star x

0 Comments
Mood: snazzy
: bloc party - so here we are

perfect110 Friendss Mar 12th, 2006 9:44:02 pm - Subscribe

Friends get to read special thoughts
They get to understand the person more than anyone else
They get an insiders view

Don'tchya wanna be my friend.
If you understand this you can read my posts.

26 Comments
Mood: lovely

duckie_x0 for a moment, she isnt scared... Dec 27th, 2005 9:14:10 pm - Subscribe

so its been a while. nothing too new. i broke up with seth about 2 weeks ago. hes cool and everything, i just didnt really feel a connection. and that kenney guy is cool, but i just really wanna be single for awhile so i can get to know guys better before i go out with them. i think thats wat my problem has been with alot of them.

so yeah, christmas wasnt as crappy this year as it normally is. i wasnt into it at all though. it like it was just a normal day with nothing to do as usual. i got a broken ipod. that was nice. i took it back though and got another one. so its cool now.

i dont have much to say, but i havent been on in so long, and i kinda missed writing blogs. it was really good for gettin all my stuff out.

oh well. i guess i can just get used to this again.

ohh i have pictures!

only a few... but oh well.

ok so yeah... thats all.

bye love. <3

1 Comments
Mood: argumentative

duckie_x0 shes beautiful, as usual, with bruises on her ego... Dec 11th, 2005 12:35:44 am - Subscribe

i hate christmas. its the worst holiday of all holidays! its stupid and pointless. i know alot of people are like freakin out here now just cuz its like jesus's bday or w/e... but i dont really care. i mean its not like i dont care about jesus... i just dont like christmas. bad things always happen around christmas. i dont think ive had a "good" christmas in years. ever since i can remember, ive had sucky christmas's.

2004: parents almost split up.
2003: grandfather (the most important person in the world to me) died.
2002: brother (2nd most important) tried to kill himself.
2001: other grandfather died.
2000: huge family fight over drugs in the family.
1999: uncle died of cancer.
1998: grandmother died.

yeah so thats why im always depressed and mad around christmas. so anyone thats reading this that ive cussed out or yelled at lately, im really sorry! most of u, i really dont mean it. like kevin, i went off on u a few weeks ago for no reason, and im incredibly sorry about that! and parker, even though u did cheat on me, im sorry for cussin u out... 3 times. and tanner, im sorry for goin off on u yesterday. and anyone else i really cant think of at the moment.

anyways to change the subject. seth and i are dewin pretty good. hes really cool. hes not really my type, and i like him and everything, but u know when u like someone alot, but u just dont know if u really wanna go out with them? or u think someone is cool... but u just dont like them enough to have a relationship with them? yeah so thats how i am with seth. i think i might break up with him.

i met this new guy. well hes not really new. turns out we went to the same elementary skool. i never knew him i dont think. but anyways his name is kenney. hes really cool. he was supposed to meet me and some friends at the parade earlier tonight but he said he couldnt. so yeah. im not gonna do anything with him until me and seth break up. i dont like cheaters and i dont like cheating. (hint hint someone!!!) lol but yeah so kenneys cool. i wanna get to know him better.

so yeah thats all on my update on life for now. i may be back soon. ill try to start updating soon. later loves. <3

0 Comments
Mood: warm

duckie_x0 shes the one that makes it feel like home... Dec 3rd, 2005 11:05:27 pm - Subscribe

wow so its been a long while. alot has changed in me. ive become... i guess u could say... a bitch to some people. like kevin. i totally told him off last week. it felt really good too. then i felt bad afterwards. he imed me tonight and we talked through everything. were ok now... i guess. so yeah ive been though some boys. i went out with this guy parker. he was alright i guess. he was alot more of my type then alot of other boys i go out with. he was pretty like punkish and stuff. he was goin out with this girl for like 9 months then he told me he broke up with her. well basically i wentout with him for about a week until i found out he never broke up with nicole! he thought it was ok since me and nicole went to different skools... well he was wrong! my good friend ernie and nicole are friends. anyways now im with this guy seth. hes really cool. ive known him for awhile but i never thought about him like in a bf kinda way. i started to like him when i was with parker... then when me and parker broke up... seth asked me out. i said yeah and i got to know him alot better and i found out that hes soooo funny and soooo cool! anyways yeah so were together and have been for about 2 weeks. wow so yeah my mom dyed my hair last night. its BLACK! i dont want it to be black! when i was all gothic and stuff i wanted black hair... but not now! the only good thing about it is that it makes my eyes look bright green. anyways yeah so i think thats about all for now. i might start updating more... but im not sure. im super busy these days. <3

0 Comments
Mood: pure
: \"so peter, you\'ve...\" by the scene asthetic

duckie_x0 boys and boys should be together... girls and girls could rule the world... Nov 7th, 2005 7:24:51 pm - Subscribe

yeah so... i pretty much broke my foot.

when i was at emilys yesterday, i tripped and fell in a hole when we were playing hide and seek. well it was all blue and swollen and then i went to skool today. bad idea. i triped goin up the east building steps and i hurt my foot even more. i finally got home and propped my foot up and my mom took me to the doctor. i fractured my foot just enough to not get a cast. it sucks. i dont really want a cast but i dont want a gay brace either. so yeah i have a stupid boot brace thingy. at least its black so it wont like look too bad.

on the bright side of all this, kenny said that if my parents wouldnt take me to the doctor today, he would come get me and take me. he wants me to go to the movies with him thursday night or friday. i think maybe were gonna hang out all day friday since its a cool holiday. its gonna rock. but yeah so today he helped me get to 4th period since i couldnt go downstairs easily. he was so late to his 4th period class but he said he didnt care. i kissed him on the cheek when he was about to leave and he was about to kiss me but the stupid vp mr. hawkins came up and was like "KIDS! WAT ARE U DEWIN IN THE HALL AFTER THE BELL RANG?!" but yeah so kenny had to go to class and so did i. oh well. maybe somethin cool will happen this weekend. well yeah so i guess that about it. ya know... its gonna be really hard to go to play rehearsals for "Arsenic and Old Lace" with only one good foot! this sucks majorly! <3

0 Comments
Mood: \"lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking off her pants\" by Panic! at the Disco

duckie_x0 insert depressing song quote here Nov 6th, 2005 9:35:47 pm - Subscribe

yeah so the past few days have been different. im still single and it sucks. i miss having a bf, having the comfort that knowing someone was there for u at all times. i really like kenny. i think he likes me too but he hasnt really done anything. he asked me out for last sunday to go play paintball with him cuz i said i wanted to play paintball. stuff came up so i couldnt go. i really wanted to though! but anyways he asked me to go with him to the movies thiss weekend but i was like super busy all weekend again so i couldnt. i think we might go next weekend though. not really anything else has happened. friday i went to see johns play at AHS and he was sooooo good! it was funny as crap! me, emily, brit, and john hung out afterwards. he took us to starbucks at like 11 and stayed there untl 1 when they closed then we just drove around. he got pulled over for curfew violation... but luckily the cop was my neighbor so we got off. so he took us all back to my house and fell asleep in my room. my parents came in yellin yesterday morning cuz he was asleep in my room. he was on the floor and me, em, and brit were on the bed. but yeah so he left and i went and got a dress for moonlight that night. talk about last minute. so i went to moonlight with matt, emily, and cam. it was a pretty fun night. we went midnight bowling afterwards and had a blast. then i had to wake up super early this morning to go to a walk the thespians were doing for somethin. i was there for a few hours until we could leave and me, emily, hunter, and erin went to Hunans Palace for lunch. it was sooooo good. but yeah so after that we went to ems and hung out for awhile and played a bunch of old stupid games like simon says and follow the leader with her brother. so then i came home and got in trouble again for not putting my glass in the dishwasher when i put it in the sink. geez i swear i get in trouble for the stupidest things here! its crazy! <3

0 Comments
Mood: mixed
: \"screaming infedelities\" by dashboard confessional

xhardcorex Confused Nov 5th, 2005 9:51:22 pm - Subscribe

i need advice, and i dont know if anyone can give me advice, but it would be much appreciated... you see.. i like this guy, and i first met him on a field trip with band, and we sat next to each other and were flirty and all over each other the whole trip. after that, i got his sn and i talk to him sometimes online. I really like him but i dont know how to "approach" him now or talk to him since trip, b/c i dont think he likes me. I keep saying the wrong things instead of the right things and just messing it all up in general.How do you think i can change that? And does anyone know a way for him to possibly really start to like me? If so, let me know.. i am just really confused about the whole situation. thanks

A*M

0 Comments
Mood: confused

xhardcorex Thank you Nov 4th, 2005 7:31:38 am - Subscribe

Thank you to all who have sent me comments in the last blog, I appreciate your concern. I really dont have to say much in this blog, but i just wanted to thank everyone. You definantly made me feel better about that.

A*M

0 Comments
Mood: hardcore